But Jamie deserved to win. Please be Jamie. Of all the people who deserved it and worked their ass off to earn it, it was him. Especially now. I didn’t deserve it. Not after this last semester.
“Hey. How’d it go?” I felt Jamie slide down the wall to sit next to me, keeping my eyes closed to wallow in my panic for a few seconds more. The moment I felt his fingers gently glide on the back of my hand, my body began to relax. I still didn’t have a clue what the hell I’d done in Chef B’s office, but it was over and there was no way of taking it back now.
I opened my eyes and turned to look at him, then smiled and wrapped my hand over his. “About how I expected it to. I’m just glad it’s finally over and we can go home. I’m beat.”
He paused for a moment, nodding toward Boulanger’s office after we’d gotten up from the floor. “You sure everything went okay with Chef B and the other judges?”
No, everything was a complete clusterfuck. But I wasn’t even sure if I understood what had happened in Chef B’s office, and I wasn’t about to bring any of it up with Jamie. Instead I nodded toward the exit and started walking.
“Positive. It’s been a busy day. Why don’t we head back to my apartment and get a bite to eat and relax for a bit?”
“Sure. Sounds good.” He tilted his face to look at me a few times, but I wasn’t in the mood to talk yet.
When we got into the car, he shot me a worried glance. “Ethan, are you sure—”
“Everything’s fine. I’m just all talked out after the interview. Can we drop it already?” I snapped.
He tried to hide his hurt, but I still saw it before he schooled his expression. “Okay.”
I sighed and scrubbed my hand down my face as he started the car and pulled away from the curb. I was making everything worse but I didn’t know how to fix it.
Three months ago I would have fought tooth and nail to win the scholarship. But today I’d fucked it up and I wasn’t even sure it was going to Jamie. Funny how one’s priorities could change in such a short span of time. I hoped my decision didn’t come back to bite me in the ass later on.
Chapter Forty
Jamie
I snuck a glance at Ethan as I drove. At this rate he’d be turning the car into a Flintstones vehicle. The tempo of his shoe tapping against the rubber floor mat grew steadily faster.
Something had happened during his interview. The playful, almost giddy Ethan from minutes before I had walked through Chef Boulanger’s door for my scholarship interview had disappeared. In his place was jittery Ethan who wouldn’t say much, hadn’t touched me since we’d left, and whose blatant avoidance of my questions had hurt.
Whatever we were doing, I’d mistakenly thought it was together. When he’d dismissed my concerns I knew he was holding something back. However, the emotional roller coaster of this past week had left me too drained to push the issue.
I was also pissed at myself for caring what Ethan thought since he obviously didn’t care enough to share with me whatever had happened. Then again, why would he? I had nothing left to give him. I couldn’t stay with him and Claire forever. I had no job, rapidly diminishing funds, no car and parents who didn’t give a shit about anything but their name and reputation. In a nutshell? I had nothing. And I had no doubt the reality of how the scholarship could change his life and how much he needed it drove home all those points in spectacular fashion. The high of being finally free had worn off and the reality of what I faced left my chest feeling empty and hollow.
When I down-shifted the car to exit the freeway with still no response from Ethan, I sighed. It was time to get my stuff together and start looking for a place in earnest. Why wait when I knew the inevitable “look, it was fun” conversation was probably coming soon? It had been over two weeks and I didn’t want to wear out my welcome.
I pulled into a parking space and shut off the car as Ethan slid out and shut his door. He waited for me, hands shoved in his pockets and head down. No words. No glance my way. Nothing. The ride in the elevator was quiet except for the grinding of the old gears as they turned. Ethan unlocked the door to the apartment and I took a deep breath and headed for his room to grab my stuff. It was painfully obvious I had overstayed my welcome and I needed to get out before things turned ugly. Ten minutes later I had all my worldly belongings jammed into my overnight bag. It was vaguely pathetic how everything I called mine could be stuffed into such a small bag.
“Hey, I hope you don’t mind I put pickles on yours. I know I’m not super hungry myself, but—” Ethan’s voice trailed off when he saw me sitting on his bed, my packed bag next to me.
His eyes darted from the bag to me and he set the two plates he carried down on the messy surface he called a desk. He leaned against the door frame. “What are you doing?”
I couldn’t meet his eyes so I stared at the floor. “Getting ready to go. I need to find a place of my own.”
“Why? Did someone say something to you? Did you talk to your parents again while I was in the interview?”
“No, of course not. I’m sure I’m all but dead to them after my conversation with them on Tuesday. But I need to find a place sometime. I know I’ve invaded your space enough already.”
“What are you talking about? You know you can stay here as long as you want. Claire and I don’t mind.”
I sighed and finally made eye contact. “Thanks, but I’m sure neither of you planned on having a third roommate who can’t help out with the bills.” I cleared my throat. “The financial aid office mentioned something about reduced student housing. I’ll look into it until I can find a stable job that’ll allow me to pay rent somewhere else. Regardless, it’s time for me to leave. I can’t keep putting a drain on your already tight budget.”
He pushed away from the door and sat down on the bed next to me. “Shit, Jamie. You don’t have to leave. Save your money for school.” He paused as if he was about to say something. “Just...don’t leave. We’ll figure all the other shit out.” His eyes searched my face and I looked away.
I stood and grabbed my bag. Maybe I was overreacting but I couldn’t take his pity anymore and didn’t want to stick around when he couldn’t even share what was bothering him with his supposed boyfriend. “Tell Claire thank you for me.” I had barely taken a step toward the door when his hand reached out and grabbed my arm, tugging me back.
“Stay here for a few days until you get your paperwork turned in. At least stay until after the scholarship banquet. I mean, shit, where would you even go, anyway? I’m kind of lost here about why you have to go right this minute.”
I turned and faced him, forcing a smile on my face. “I’ll figure it out. I have to at some point, right? I know things have changed. You told me once you weren’t a charity case. Well, you know what? I’m not, either.”
“Do you think that’s how I see you? You think I see you as a fucking charity case?” His voice rose in disbelief.
I swallowed hard as his eyes blazed with emotion. “I don’t have a dime to my name anymore and I have more baggage right now than I know what to do with. All I’m saying is you don’t have to put up with me living with you anymore.”
He didn’t answer as he pulled me close and wrapped his arms around me. When I tried to pull away, he pulled me closer to him, his lips trailing a path of heat along my jaw. “Do you have any idea how much I want you? I don’t give a rat’s ass how much money you have in the bank. I never have. You’re the bravest person I know.”
When I kept silent he brushed his lips against mine again and murmured, “Whatever you used to have? It doesn’t mean shit. I want you. For you. I wanted you before. I want you now, however I can have you.”
I closed my eyes, savoring his words. He wouldn’t say anything after his interview with Boulanger and the other judges, but he’d say this? We’d have to talk soon, but for now, my heart won o
ut over my head. Overwhelmed with emotion, I sighed against his lips. “You say things like that and I fall even more in love with you, Ethan.”
His body tensed against mine. I opened my eyes and my heart pounded. I felt light-headed when I realized what I’d said. Shit. His fingers tightened over mine but he remained silent. Well, I’d had enough silence for one day.
“You don’t have to say anything. But I can’t pretend not to feel this way.” I stared over his shoulder, unable to hold his penetrating look any longer.
His free hand reached up to cup my chin until my eyes were back on his. We stood that way until a smile slowly began to spread across Ethan’s face. The knot of tension I’d felt since we’d gotten in the car at school began to loosen. He slid his fingers up from my chin to my cheek and around to cup the back of my head. His smile grew more radiant as he pulled me closer. My breath caught before his lips crushed mine in a deep kiss, his tongue stroking mine as his hand fisted in my hair.
When I pulled back to gasp for air, he murmured, “This. This right here is why I can never get enough of you. You’re sticking around even though you know what a temperamental dick I can be. You make me want to reach for the impossible and believe I actually deserve it.”
Even though he didn’t say the words back yet, I knew Ethan cared about me, even when he was too stubborn to talk or rambled nervously about everything and nothing. More than anyone else, he cared enough to worry, to want me. With him, I didn’t have to be perfect and I could let go.
“I know your life has mostly been about pleasing everyone else. For once, just this once, let me show you how much you deserve to be put first.”
He watched my face as his fingers slowly unbuttoned my shirt and pushed it off my shoulders, the fabric falling to the floor in a heap. He leaned into my body, looping his arms around my waist as he nuzzled my neck, the scratch from his scruffy chin sending goose bumps over my skin. Very slowly, he ran his hands up and down my back and sides as he pressed wet kisses down my neck and over my collarbones. When I reached for his shirt he pushed my hands away. The way he watched me was heady, a mixture of lust and affection and something deeper.
“Not yet. I haven’t savored you nearly enough yet.” At his low words my eyes slipped closed and my body hummed at the simple act of being touched. Ethan always knew how to touch me, his callused fingertips gliding over my ribs and up to rub his thumbs over my nipples. With a wet kiss over my heart his tongue traced downward to tug at a nipple as my head lolled back and a groan rumbled out of my chest.
Ethan framed my hips with his hands, thumbs rubbing over my hip bones. He watched my face and lazily kissed his way down my body, tracing my abs with his tongue. “You are beyond beautiful. If it takes me weeks, months, to show you how much you’re worth? I’m more than willing to take the time. I’m sorry I don’t always say everything I’m thinking, but trust me, I always want you.” His husky voice rumbled against my skin as he dipped his tongue into my navel, then downward to trail along the waistband of my jeans.
His hands slid from my hips to tug and pull open the buttons of my jeans, thumbs brushing over my aching dick through the fabric of my boxers. Slowly and carefully he pulled my jeans down my legs and tossed them on the floor, rubbing his hands up my legs. The sight of a still fully clothed Ethan on his knees in front of me was beyond arousing.
When his hands slid up the back of my legs to cup my ass, fingers kneading muscles, I moaned, the ragged sound echoing in the room. Ethan reached up and moved my hands to his head, squeezing my fingers as he stared up at me. I slid my hands into his hair and tried to pull him up, the simmering arousal low in my stomach flaring higher when he nuzzled my cock through the fabric. I groaned and pulled harder, his echoing groan rumbling against my skin. His fingers slid my boxers over my hips, and helped me step out of them. My eyes slammed shut as he kissed my inner thigh and nipped the sensitive skin.
“From the moment you showed up in my kitchen and gave my shit right back to me, you’ve owned me. Did you know that?”
I shuddered at his words. “Oh, Ethan.” With impatient fingers I tugged at his shirt, pulling at it roughly as he raised his arms to help me. He squeezed my hips again, hands sliding around to cup my ass as he walked us to his bed, nudging me to sit down. I leaned back on my elbows and watched him, dick throbbing painfully as he pushed off his jeans and socks, movements unhurried. If he didn’t hurry my brain would explode.
I licked my lips, watching his inked skin and muscles ripple as he ducked down to rifle under the end of the bed to find the lube and condoms we’d knocked off the bed last night. Finally finding both, he stood up and stared down at me like he wanted to devour me. No one else had looked at me like this. I closed my eyes with a groan.
“God, Ethan. You’re killing me here. Seriously.”
He slowly climbed up the bed, kissing my legs and pushing them open to kneel between my thighs, his thumbs tracing the muscles.
“No killing. But you might see God soon. That’s my plan, at least.” His look was one of pure lust as he popped open the lube and squirted some on his fingers. He leaned down to kiss me, hungry lips and tongue plundering my mouth as his fingers slipped between my thighs and upward to trace my balls, cupping and squeezing gently. My body arched off the bed when he dragged his fingers from my balls to the cleft of my ass. He hovered over me when I groaned into his mouth and pushed back against his fingers. Slowly, he slid one inside me as I rolled my hips up to give him better access. God. Had anything ever felt so good?
“So incredible. Everything about you.”
I tried to shake my head, but he pushed his fingers up until I was writhing under him.
“I shouldn’t want you. You deserve more than I can give you. But I can’t walk away. I did once, and I never want to feel the pain it caused me ever again.”
My eyes slammed shut and a garbled noise was torn from my throat when he thrust in another finger, twisting and curling his fingers. My hips bucked and I rode his hand, mindless with pleasure as I began to shake. My whole body arched when he lowered his lips over the head of my cock, heat shooting through my groin. My cry of pleasure spurred him on, as he took my throbbing dick in his hot mouth. He pulled me deeper until I could feel my dick bump the back of his throat, my fingers scrabbling across his shoulders.
“Shit, shit, shit...” I chanted as Ethan groaned around my cock. The heat, the feel of his mouth, his tongue all drove me closer to the edge, my ragged breathing echoing in my ears.
He curled his fingers and all conscious thought left my brain as my body jerked against his. My fingers twisted in his hair and my body writhed and bucked under his mouth and fingers, tensing as I shuddered with pleasure. Spent, sweaty and boneless, my legs fell open and body went limp as Ethan splayed his free hand over my hip to hold me down. His fingers slowed their movements as my body trembled against his and I panted hard for breath.
He slowly pulled his mouth off my dick and slid his fingers free from my body. With a single-minded need, he crawled up my body and crashed his lips onto mine, his tongue stroking mine hungrily.
Ethan echoed the same desperate sound and I reached up to fist my hand in his sweaty hair. Still rock hard and no doubt aching, he pulled my leg around his thigh and ground against me, his damp skin creating delicious friction against mine.
Needing to feel more of him, I released his hair and wrapped my other leg around his waist. He groaned when I dug my heels into his ass. “If I don’t get inside you I’m gonna lose it,” he hissed as he pulled back only long enough to roll a condom on with one hand.
As soon as he was protected, I slid my hands down his spine, urging him forward. I grabbed his hips as Ethan pushed inside me with a slow, deep thrust. He hovered over me, braced on his hands as he let me adjust to the stretching and fullness. “You okay?”
The concern and tenderness in his eyes made words im
possible, so I simply locked my eyes on his and nodded. Yes. It’s more than okay. And I’d never get enough of you. Of this.
I pulled him down for a languid kiss and my body relaxed. He slowly rolled his hips against me. Sweat rolled down his temple and dripped onto my chest as he moved. His hooded eyes watched me as I arched under him, the green gone black with desire. I ran my hands up and down his sweat-slicked back as we moved together slow and steady until I was hard again and shivering from the feeling of him inside me. Ethan bit down on his lip, his thrusts growing harder as I rocked up to meet him. Pleasure hummed through my body and my eyes slammed shut. He pulled almost all the way out only to snap his hips, thrusting deeper. When I opened my eyes again, I shuddered at the fierce concentration on his face.
He watched me as we moved together faster, skin slapping against skin. Mindless with pleasure, I writhed underneath Ethan as he lifted my leg over his arm, his needy groan loud. I cried out when the change in angle sent his cock deeper, pounding into the spot that made me shiver and shake underneath him. He leaned closer, our stomachs trapping my cock between us with every thrust, the friction making me shake as tension coiled tighter. “Ethan, I’m going to come again...”
Ethan pulled back, reaching between our bodies to stroke me roughly. At his touch, my eyes slammed shut and back arched as his hand tightened around the crown between each deep thrust. Unable to hold back any longer, my body clenched around him and tensed, shuddering as I spasmed in his hand. His guttural cry immediately followed mine as he shook through his own orgasm. No one could ever make me mindless like Ethan, and I knew this was more than sex. We were in uncharted territory for both of us, but there was no going back now.
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