by Sandie Jones
I coughed to clear the lump in my throat and started counting down from ten in my head, to give me time to put my face on before I turned around. Just pretend everything’s normal, I said to myself. You can do this.
‘Good to see you, Pamela,’ I said, spinning round, already on full offensive. ‘You look—’
I sucked the word ‘well’ back in. What I was greeted with stopped me in my tracks, rendering me speechless. Pammie was completely bald, her eyebrows were missing, and her face was bloated. I was paralysed with shock. I needed to say something, anything, as the three of them stood there waiting, but I just couldn’t put the words together.
‘Hi, Em,’ said James, leaning in to kiss me. ‘It’s been a while. You okay?’ It wasn’t a question that warranted answering.
‘Em,’ Kate cried. ‘You look gorgeous, and Poppy – wow!’
I stuttered a response. Pammie and I stood there for a split second, sizing each other up, neither of us sure how to react. We somehow met in the middle, our limbs colliding awkwardly. She pulled me towards her and held me. ‘It’s lovely to see you,’ she whispered hoarsely. ‘You look beautiful.’
My breath caught in my throat and tears welled up in my eyes. I don’t know what it was. I was just struck by her words, not what she said, but the way she said it. For the first time, I could almost hear a sincerity in her voice, as if she really meant it. But perhaps I was allowing her appearance to play with my mind. I fixed a smile on and searched desperately for Adam. I needed him with me.
‘If you’ll excuse me,’ I said, extricating myself and Poppy. I headed in Adam’s direction, but Mum caught my hand as I passed by.
‘Is that Pammie?’ she asked, confused.
I nodded numbly.
‘But how . . .’
I shook my head. ‘I really don’t know,’ was the best I could offer. ‘Can you just take Poppy for a minute?’
‘Of course,’ she said, her concerned face instantly breaking into a wide grin as her granddaughter gurgled happily at her.
I caught Pippa’s eye as I reached Adam. She looked as shocked as I felt. I could do nothing but shrug my shoulders at her.
I willed my brain to focus, but the wires literally felt like they were crossing over and sparking off as they made the wrong connections. I needed to see Pammie again, just to make sure, but I daren’t turn around, as I was sure I could feel three pairs of eyes on my back. Would she really have gone that far to convince people she was telling the truth? I pictured her face, with its puffy cheeks and sunken eyes. Was that even possible?
I needed to think of the right words before I reached Adam, knowing that the wrong ones would set us back for months. ‘You didn’t tell me your mum was . . .’ I didn’t know how to finish the sentence.
‘Ill?’ he said.
I nodded.
‘You didn’t ask,’ he said tightly. ‘Because you didn’t care.’
I thought back to the times he’d tried to talk to me, and every time I’d shut him down. I felt a wave of nauseous guilt wash over me.
Every time I looked over at Pammie, she was watching me. Every time I sensed her coming towards me, I invented a reason to move. I don’t know if I was more frightened to talk to her in case she told me she was really ill, or because of the very real possibility that she’d gone to such lengths to keep up the pretence. I didn’t know how to respond in either case.
James caught me just as I was heading towards the ladies’.
‘That was a lovely service, Em. I’ve not had a chance to thank you for asking Kate and I to be Poppy’s godparents.’
‘It wasn’t my choice,’ I replied without stopping.
‘How are things?’ he asked.
I turned to look at him, searching his eyes for recognition of what he’d done to me and why. But they were the same as they’d always been. Warm and kind.
‘Fine,’ I said tartly.
‘Are you okay?’ he asked. ‘After the wedding and everything?’
‘We’re working on it,’ I said abruptly.
‘What have I done to upset you?’
‘Your mother told me everything,’ I said. ‘I thought you were on my side. I naively believed that what we had was—’
‘It was,’ he said, cutting across me.
I gave a hollow laugh.
‘I am on your side . . .’ he said. ‘And I’ll always be, but you made your feelings quite clear, remember?’
I narrowed my eyes at him. ‘So, whilst I’m confiding in you, you’re running straight back to Pammie and telling her everything?’
‘What? No,’ he said sharply. ‘I never repeated anything that you said, apart from when you told me that nothing could come of us.’
‘So, she didn’t tell you to come on to me? You weren’t doing it under orders?’
‘What?’ he said, screwing his face up, as if he was unable to comprehend what I was saying. ‘No. What do you take me for? I’d never do that. I told her I had feelings for you, and how guilty I felt about it . . . I confided in her because she’s my mother.’
I rolled my eyes and shook my head.
‘You have to believe me,’ he said.
‘Hey, little brother,’ called out Adam as he sidled up to him. ‘What’s she got to believe?’
James’s face coloured. ‘Nothing. It was nothing.’
‘No, come on, I’m all ears,’ went on Adam, his speech a little slurred. ‘Why is my lovely lady here calling you a liar?’
‘We were just joking around,’ offered James unconvincingly.
‘Nah, I’m not having that, fella,’ said Adam. Both James and I knew him well enough to know that he was getting bolshie, fuelled by alcohol and paranoia.
I put my hands on his chest and looked up at him, trying to engage him.
‘We’re just having a joke,’ I said. ‘James is trying to wind me up. And he’s doing a good job of it too.’ I gave him a playful slap on the arm.
I tried to guide Adam away, but he wouldn’t let it drop. ‘So, what didn’t you believe?’ he asked again.
I gave a big sigh. ‘For God’s sake, we were just fooling around. It was nothing.’
‘It didn’t look like nothing,’ he said petulantly.
I stopped him in his tracks and put my arms around his waist as he turned to face me. ‘I love you,’ I said, reaching up and kissing him on the lips. ‘Now go be with your mates. Enjoy yourself, and I’ll see you later.’
He kissed me back. ‘I love you too.’
As I walked back in, Pammie was at the doorway, practically ready to pounce. ‘Emily?’ she said, almost in surprise, even though she’d clearly been standing there waiting for me. I ignored her, but when she called out a second time, loud enough for others to hear, I had to acknowledge her for fear of causing a scene.
She stood in front of me, as if waiting, and I honestly didn’t know what to say. There was so much rage bubbling up within me, but as I looked at her, really looked at her, the anger gave way to confusion. The whites of her eyes were yellowed and her swollen skin, smooth and shiny, was pulled tight over her cheekbones. There was nothing I wouldn’t put past her, but this?
‘Pamela,’ was all I could muster.
‘Please don’t call me that,’ she said quietly. ‘You know I don’t much care for it.’
‘Look, if you’re going to start, I’m really not—’
‘I’m not. There’s just something I need to say to you.’
‘Whatever it is, I’m not remotely interested. There is nothing that you can say or do that will surprise me anymore. You are here because you have to be, as Adam’s mother, but don’t for a second think that there’s anything more to it than that. You can see Poppy whenever Adam sees fit to bring her down, but honestly, that’s where you and I end.’
She ran a hand over her hairless scalp and offered a small smile. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘Truly sorry.’
I don’t know what I was expecting her to say, but ‘sorry’ wasn’t on the list, espec
ially given that there was no one else in earshot. She looked down, as if ashamed, but I’d seen that a thousand times before. She’d used it whenever she was backed into a corner and was on the verge of being found out. I’d been hoodwinked into falling for the Little Miss Naive act myself, but that was a long time ago. She was never going to fool me again.
‘I really don’t have time for this,’ I said. ‘This is my daughter’s christening and I have a room full of people, more deserving than you, whom I’d like to talk to and be with. I’m not going to stand here and waste my time on you.’
I tried not to look at her as I said it because her appearance was throwing me off track, making me feel guilty.
‘I understand that,’ she said. ‘And I don’t blame you, but I just want you to know that I’m truly sorry. I never meant to do what I did to you, and I know that you’ll never forgive me, but I haven’t got much longer, and I wanted to at least try and make amends before it’s too late. Please.’
She reached a hand out to me, and I backed away, but she kept coming forward, falling towards me.
There was a split-second hush all around us, and then a sudden rush to catch her before she fell to the floor. If anyone had caught it on a slow-motion camera, they would have seen me, walking backwards, with my arms up in the air. I was the only one who could possibly have cushioned the blow, yet whilst everyone was moving forward in vain, I was moving away.
There was a collective gasp as she hit the unforgiving wooden floor.
‘Mum!’ called out James. ‘Pammie!’ cried everyone else.
‘What the . . .’ shouted Adam, as he ran forwards and fell to his knees. ‘What the hell happened?’ He turned to look at me for an answer, but I just shrugged. ‘Why would I think to ask you?’
I could hear a sharp intake of breath from the crowd that had now gathered.
‘That’s enough,’ said James. ‘Mum . . .’
‘I’m okay,’ she managed, as she was helped up to a sitting position. ‘I just lost my footing. I’m okay.’
She’d done it again.
I weaved away through the throng, trying to find Poppy, who I’d last seen with Mum. ‘I want to go,’ I said as I reached her.
‘What on earth’s going on?’ she asked. ‘She couldn’t fake this, surely?’
I shook my head. I didn’t know what to think anymore.
‘Can you and Dad take me home?’ I asked.
Dad looked at his watch. ‘It’s getting late anyway,’ he said, as if he needed an excuse. ‘I’ll bring the car round.’
I gathered up the presents that had been brought for Poppy, and said discreet goodbyes to Pippa and my Auntie Bet. They were the only people still there whom I cared about; the rest consisted of Adam’s rugby crowd and a few of his work colleagues. None of whom would even be aware that I’d been there, let alone gone.
‘You okay?’ said Pippa, as I hurriedly rounded things up. ‘Do you want me to come with you?’
I shook my head. ‘I just want to go home and put my pyjamas on,’ I said honestly.
She smiled. ‘I know the feeling. I’ll give you a call in the morning.’
I gave her a kiss and ducked out the door.
Mum insisted on coming into the flat with me, to get me settled. ‘I’m twenty-seven,’ I half laughed.
‘You’re never too old for your mum to care about you,’ she said. ‘You sure you’re going to be okay?’
I nodded. ‘I can’t see Adam being much longer. The bar will be shut in an hour or so.’
‘Whatever’s going on, please don’t let it get to you,’ she said, kissing me on the forehead. ‘You’re doing a great job, and we’re very proud of you.’ I had tears in my eyes as I gave her a hug and begrudgingly waved them off.
46
I must have fallen asleep on the sofa, as the next thing I remember was the banging on the front door. For a moment, I was totally disorientated and thought I was still dreaming. I could hear the distant ping of a text on my phone, but I had no concept of time or even what day it was. I didn’t know what I should respond to first, but then I remembered Poppy. Was it time to get her up? Had I even fed her before putting her down?
I stood up too quickly and instantly fell back down again, light-headed and dizzy. I put both hands against the sides of my head, willing it to put the jigsaw pieces together quicker than it seemed to be doing. The banging from downstairs was still going, the text messages still demanding to be read. I peered into Poppy’s room and saw that she was sleeping soundly. Tick. It was just after midnight. Tick. Adam wasn’t home yet. Tick . . . where the hell was he? I’d left him three hours ago. I fumbled for my phone under the cushions of the settee and struggled to focus on the missives that filled the screen. I scrolled down the missed calls, voicemails, and texts. Pammie, Adam, James, Pammie, Adam, James.
‘Jesus,’ I said aloud, wondering what the hell had happened.
Confused, with phone in hand, I headed for the door. I’d just reached the bottom step when it rang again, displaying Pammie’s name across the screen. I was going to ignore it, but then I thought it might be somebody else using her phone. There was obviously something amiss. I just prayed nothing had happened to Adam.
‘Yes,’ I snapped.
‘Emily. It’s me, Pammie. Adam’s on his way to you. Don’t let him in.’
‘What?’ I gasped.
‘Don’t let him in. He’s really mad. He knows, Emily. I’m so sorry. Don’t let him in.’
‘What the hell are you talking about?’
‘He knows about James,’ she choked.
The blood rushed to my ears as she kept talking, and I couldn’t hear anything she said.
‘What?’ I cried, my breath catching in my throat.
‘They’ve had a fight,’ she said breathlessly. ‘I’m so sorry.’
My head was too full of panic to think straight.
I moved closer towards the door, my hands shaking as they grappled with the latch, unable to get a grip. I jumped back as a fist struck the other side, the low-grade wood barely withstanding the pounding.
‘Adam?’ I called out shakily.
‘Open the door,’ he yelled, so close now I could hear his breath.
‘No,’ I answered. ‘Not until you calm down.’
‘I swear to God, Emily, open this fucking door right now.’
‘Don’t let him in,’ warned Pammie again.
‘What have you done?’ I hissed down the phone, before throwing it onto the floor. I wouldn’t allow her lies to consume me. Us. I had to talk some sense into Adam.
‘You’re scaring me,’ I called through to him. ‘You’ll scare the baby.’
I heard him inhale and exhale slowly, deliberately.
‘Emily,’ he said, his tone suddenly measured. ‘Will you please open the door?’
I put the chain across. ‘Do you promise you’ll stay calm?’
‘Yes, I promise.’
As soon as I twisted the latch, the door took flight, the sheer force snapping the chain off its hinge. I fell to the floor as it swung towards me, my arms flailing helplessly against the power of Adam on the other side. He was looming over me and I knew then the terrible mistake I had made. I willed myself to get up, but my legs wouldn’t work. I stumbled, half crawling up the stairs, scrambling for the top, yet knowing that by doing so, I was blocking off any means of getting out. But I had to be what stood between Adam and Poppy. I couldn’t let him anywhere near her.
I made a grab for the top step, still on all fours, when he yanked my ankle, pulling me back down. My scalp felt like it was lifting off my skull as he picked me up by my hair. I had one arm up in the air, trying to unfurl his fist that was twisted deep into my hair, and the other reaching down to get some leverage on the stairs. My hip took the brunt, as it slammed against each unforgiving step as Adam dragged me up. I wanted to cry out, but I needed to stay quiet for Poppy. I didn’t know what Adam was capable of.
He hauled me along the landing. I tried
to get to my feet but he was too strong, and the more I struggled, the more force he used.
‘Please,’ I cried out. ‘Please stop.’
He threw me into the living room and looked down on me. It was the first time I’d seen his face, his eyes bulging with fury, his features distorted by rage.
‘Please, will you just listen to me,’ I pleaded.
‘You whore,’ he spat, his breath reeking of alcohol. ‘Do you think you can make a fool out of me?’ Spittle was hanging from his mouth.
‘No, never. I never would.’
His hand flew down and struck me across the face, catching my browbone. My skin stung and I could feel a lump instantly form.
He paced up and down, clenching and unclenching his fists as I cowered in front of him.
‘It’s not what you think,’ I said. ‘Please, you have to believe me.’
‘I know exactly what it is. You’re fucking my brother.’ He threw his head back and gave an exaggerated laugh. ‘My fiancée, mother of my child, has been sneaking around, behind my back, to fuck my brother.’
‘I haven’t,’ I implored. ‘You’re being ridiculous.’
He stopped stock-still and stared straight at me with wild eyes. ‘Is she even my daughter?’ he bellowed. ‘Is Poppy even mine?’
I knelt at his feet. ‘Of course she is. You know she is. I’ve never been unfaithful to you. Please, you must know that.’
He crouched down beside me and clamped hold of my face. ‘So why is he so caught up with you then?’
‘I don’t know what you’re talking about,’ I managed.
‘He’s just dragged me away from the girl I was with, and punched me in the face, because, apparently, I was disrespecting you.’
The tiny part of my heart that wasn’t already broken smashed into a million pieces. ‘You were with another girl?’ I asked, determined to keep my voice calm. ‘At our daughter’s christening?’
