“Yeah, but it never made me forget about my friends,” she says with a bit of sadness in her tone.
“What do you mean by that?” I ask, feeling defensive.
“Girl, you know how you get . When you in love, we don’t hear from you. But when the shit hits the fan that’s when you call your ‘girls.’ Other than that, we don’t exist in your fairytale land. Is that why you are calling now?”
Not sure if I should feel angry at her accusations or guilty of the truth. Regardless, she’s supposed to be my girl regardless of my relationship. Why the fuck is my relationship with Shame a factor? “Andreiya …” I say, but I don’t know what else to say. I mean, what else is there to say to your longtime friend who points out things that you care less to even notice.
“You shouldn’t be like that. How can you put my relationship with Shame in the equation?”
‘It’s true, Yemya, everyone knows it. Not just me. JE, Brooke, even Kenya. It’s fuck the one’s who give a damn. But fuck that. I’m not mad at you. It’s the simple fact that you don’t even take the time out of your love life to be concerned about your girls. But when all hell breaks loose, it’s us who you call on. We leave our men to come rub your back, to keep packing Shame’s shit, every single time. We drop everything, Yemya, for you.”
“How you gone put me on some guilt trip, Andreyia? How are you going to make me choose? How are you going to use my relationship, my love for Shame, against me? That’s not cool,” I say, getting defensive. “That’s not cool at all.”
“I’m just telling you how we feel; I am just bold enough to confront you about. We’ve been down this road before, Mya, but you letting this shit get to your head. We all know Shame isn’t worth it. You deserve better.”
“You don’t know nothing, Andreyia!” I exclaim. I am upset. I am hurt. “You don’t know a damn a thing about what I’ve been through with Shame. For y’all to discuss me and my life? You know nothing about being in love. You know nothing about having a man in your life. When you find out what love is like, holla at me. I’m done talking!” I say, as I hang up.
The conversation ended so badly that I didn’t even get the chance to tell her that it was over between Shame and I. Hell, let her tell it, I keep going back to him. The fucked-up part about it is that everything that she says has led me to believe that my actions were all true. Loving Shame held me back from continuing and building my love with my friends. I shut them out of my life. And now I don’t have Shame or Andreyia to call on.
13
“Genuine friendships are unbreakable, don’t ever let the love for a man pull you away from the love of a friend” Sade Collins
Weeks after Andreyia and my confrontation, I find myself logging onto Facebook only to browse until I have received a notification in my inbox. Wondering who could it be, I click on the message icon only to discover the message is from my ex-best friend, Andreyia. So much has transpired between the two of us that I feel like I am losing my world. Our friendship was tarnished the day I chose my love for Shame over the love that I have for her as my best friend. Unsure if I want to open it, my heart feels guilty and pain. The one who has been by my side through whatever, my best friend, my sister, our relationship is now ruined due to love. Though she was the one who hooked us up, she was also the one who tried to stop me from falling in love, from being hurt. Yet, I am that bitch! At least in my mind I think I am. Thinking back on the day that we fell out, the painful part is that the feeling of our bond will never be the same. Clicking on the message that Andreyia sent, I prepare myself for the worst. Our friendship has never ended the way that it did. Part of me understands why, and I’m surprised she even wants to speak to me again after the way I reacted. I slowly read Andreyia’s Facebook message.
Yemya, you don’t have to be sorry that you love Shame. That’s good that you are happy. If anything, I want you to be happy. And for two, I am not jealous of you, not to be downing you or whatnot, but I don’t have nothing to be jealous of. And I am glad you are backing your man up one-hundred percent … that’s what you are supposed to do, but damn, just because this nigga done whispered sweet words in your ear and dicked you down don’t forget about the ones that’s been there before him! But like you said… you are a grown woman. So get your grown woman on! :^)
I guess all most women need in this world is a man anyway, well, at least in your case! And for you to say I’ll understand when I find the right one. Well trust me boo. I did. I just took it for granted, and not once did I put him before you, my sis, or any other loved one. And that’s the same way it was with me and M.M.P. He’ll do for his boys before he would do for me. And I understand that shit ’cause that’s how I am about you. Until I start to peep game. But I can’t even blame you though ’cause you been boy crazy and always did for men since I have known you. So I should have expected this.
As I sit here and look back on what everybody used to say, I gotta give them their props. They were right! I don’t have any best friends but Frankie and Taylor. They are the only ones I can really say that I know who won’t turn her back on me no matter what the situation is. For the record, Mekia always says, “You and Yemya ain’t gone last.” Now you can say that I didn’t listen. My aunt always said that “You don’t have friends; you only have your family and associates.” Once again, I didn’t listen.
I have to find out the hardest way ever! When I was up all night crying for six nights in a row over a guy, you, best friend, was nowhere to be found. When I did call you, you either didn’t answer or was just too busy to answer. But I was there for you. Every time you fell in love and gotten hurt. But Frankie and Taylor got me through it. Frankie would even wake up at like four in the morning just to try to get me to sleep on a school night! But fuck that ’cause it’s old and done with now. She tried to tell me that all I have is her and my sister, but I thought I had you too until I read your letter.
Even though I knew your man came first, I was still willing to be second just ’cause you were my girl. Man, in my eyes, you were my sister. I’m like, it’s just a phase; you haven’t been in love for a couple of months, so I’m sure it feels good to have that feeling again. But I mean damn, I can only take so much before I realize that I’m the ass here and that I am the only one being a best friend ’cause you sure as hell wasn’t! I don’t give a damn how in love you are or even if you think that y’all are going to last forever. Mya, I’m not doubting your relationship and trust me, I do wish the best for y’all. But when this nigga is going to do you wrong or when you get your head out of the damn clouds, you will realize that putting that nigga first ain’t right.
But like everybody is telling me, “She gone need you one day.” And like I tell them, I may be crazy but I will always be there. Why? That shit I don’t even know myself. I’m not saying we should completely stop talking, but Shame can play the “best friend” role, and I’ll pass. I can just be your girl or something …
Love ya,
Andreyia
After reading over Andreyia’s letter, I don’t even know if shedding a tear will be worth it. I valued our friendship and really hated the fact that it was losing its connection over a relationship. Like any other person, I have my flaws, and one of those flaws is not being able to balance the people I love. Being in love with a man in a way has become my downfall. Although I always have my friends, I am losing them over my relationship. Or were my friends losing me over my relationship? More importantly, I am losing something that was a part of me and have yet to realize it. I just didn’t know that a relationship can affect everyone around you, including me. I am in love, and love was my mindset. Without it, I feel useless, whether it was from my family, my friends, or my man. I need to feel loved and losing one love just keeps me bottled in. Andreyia is my best friend. How can I satisfy a friendship and please my man with them understanding? It’s all a learning process for me. It all became a lover’s mentality.
Contemplating on if I want to reply to her message, the prid
e of me wants to control that emotion; this is my best friend for God’s sake. If she doesn’t want shit else to do with me, she wouldn’t have written me a message. Knowing that she was in fact trying to reach out to me in a way of expressing herself, I can’t help but to respond.
Dreyia,
I am so, so, so sorry for my reaction a few weeks ago. I miss you. I miss our friendship. I am at fault and feel guilty that you went through nights with tears over a guy and I wasn’t there to comfort you like you are with me. My relationship with Shame has caused a lot of havoc and heartache in my life beyond measures, and I am sure that you are aware of that. I am speechless as to how you feel in your message and what way can I not understand why. You are my sister, Andreiya. If that don’t make our relationship any thicker then what can? Though there are things that you must know that you never know. I don’t want you to feel sorry for me because it’s not an excuse on how I’ve been toward y’all. Needless to say, nothing can be excused from that. I just feel defensive as if you were judging me. I fell in love with Shame just as well as you fell in love with Ray. You are just stronger than I am when it comes to loving someone. I hope you understand that we are not one in the same. With that being said, I hope that we can get together soon, go out to eat or something to patch things up and to start anew. I don’t want to lose my best friend.
Love,
Yemya
Looking over the message I typed, I think about what Andreyia’s response will be. After pressing send, I wait, hoping that she will reply back. Glancing at the clock, it’s now 1:25 a.m., and there’s still no response. Sighing, I shut down my computer with a heavy heart. I have no one to talk to at this moment, I feel like everyone would tell me, “I told you so.” Shutting of the lamp on my nightstand, I slowly peel back my comforter and sheets, then climb into bed. Praying that tomorrow never comes, I feel myself falling into a state of sadness. I lie in bed, drifting off into a deep sleep, with the feeling of having no man or friends weighing down on my shoulders.
14
“We live and we learn. If you haven’t lived, then how can you say you learned anything without experience? Once, you’ve learned how to live, you’ll learn that it’s worth living” Sade Collins
So much has happened within the past few weeks and I am starting to get sick of the on-and-off shit with Shame. We were invited to go on double date with my cousin tonight in which I have totally forgotten about. My mind has been so concerned with Shame that everything else that really mattered was out the door. As much as I want to, I can’t agree to go. For the simple fact that I don’t have a date, and asking Shame is out of the question. My pride won’t let me sweat him any longer. Part of me was officially over Shame. Over his excuses, over us. Yet the other half wants to reach out for him. When I look at what’s on the other end to pick me up if I fall, I can never picture Shame being that person.
“You know you need to break up with Shame, Mya,” Tammy says as if she is reading my thoughts. “If you don’t realize that now, then when are you going to ever realize it?” Tammy states as we walk inside of her apartment out in Hixon.
“Um, where’s the kids?” I inquire, looking around Tammy’s humble home, attempting to avoid the discussion.
“Girl, I had to get rid of them for a while. Taking care of two kids is like another job.” she states as she sits her groceries on the nearby counter. “So,” she says, turning attention toward me. “Is he the reason why you don’t want to go out on the town with us anymore?”
Walking out of her kitchen, I sit down on the nearby chocolate-brown leather loveseat in her living room, slipping off my shoes to make myself more comfortable. I exhale deeply. “Tammy, I just don’t know what to do about Shame. I mean, what I mean by that is that I do. But at the same time I don’t.”
“Well, I’m going to put it like this, as clean as possible,” I hear her say from the kitchen while she removes the groceries from the bag and puts them away. At the same time, I am thinking, Here we go again.
“Shame is still sleeping with my friend, his baby mama, Mya. She tells me all about it and you have the right to know. Not because you are my cousin, but because I don’t want you to get so deep in love over Shame when he don’t deserve an ounce of love from you!”
“So is that what you believe?” I ask.
“I don’t put anything past Shame. I believe that he be over there, and I believe that he be telling her that he wants to be back with her. I mean, that’s that baby daddy love—all of a sudden the nigga wants to be a family.”
Honestly, I don’t have much to say about Shame’s affair with his baby mama. As far as I am concerned, I have already figured that out. Tammy went on saying what her friend Kiara tells her. I am done hearing the gossip and about Shame being over Kiara’s house all times of the night when he should be with me.
While Tammy talks about Shame’s affair with Kiara, I tune out her voice, allowing my mind to race back to my thoughts. Should I be mad? As much as I want to approach Shame about the shit, I don’t have the vitality to even try confronting him and then listening to his dishonesties.
“When I see him, I am going to curse him out, Mya. He has you fucked up.”
“Tammy, as many times as I have cursed Shame out, what good has it done for me?” I ask, feeling a bit annoyed.
Noticing my mood and the change in the vibe, Tammy walks into the living room with her hands covered in flour. “Look, love. I’m just looking out for you. If you want Kiara’s number, then you are more than welcome to have it just so you can ask her.”
“Nah, I’m good. I’m not the type to harass or call up the next bitch about my nigga. Besides, as far as I’m concerned, Kiara don’t even like me because of Shame. Ain’t shit popping off but over some dick? On top of that, how do you know the chick ain’t lying?”
“You don’t have to get hostile, Mya. I am just looking out for you…” she states as she walk back into the kitchen so that she can finish preparing supper before her kids arrive home.
“Yeah, and I’m slowly learning that those who think they are looking out for me sometimes are not always right or out for my best interest,” I mumble to myself under my breath.
After leaving my cousin’s house, I walk into my apartment feeling the need to relax. I lie across my bed in deep thought. I’ve been contemplating for a while now about my relationship with Shame. I don’t know what it is—hormones, the abortion? I just don’t feel the desire to be with him anymore. I know that I’ve tried to get through these hard times. But I’m burnt out. The nigga will act right after you threaten him a few times, but how many times does it take for him to act right? For him to change? Why does it have to take you crying, losing your voice, and all the stress and agony. Going back and forth … I’m tired of it all. I’m tired of being patient with Shame. I’m tired of being patient for something that I just only want to be love.
I text Mark, who is Shame’s cousin, asking him to give me call. Mark is like my brother; he and Terry both were my go-to guys when I need to vent about Shame. This time, I want to end things completely. At least I think I do.
Wats up n-law
Not much fam. just have a lot on mind …
Really? It’z about Shame huh?
Yea. I mean, there’s a lot that I have been enduing and holding back. Right, I just can’t deal. Love don’t live here anymore type of shit.
Have you told him?
I want to tell him but I don’t know how.
How about I’ll talk to him, give him a little head’s up and maybe that can lighten the load of you confronting him
:^) THANKS FAM! Don’t flat-out tell him that I want to break up with him though.
I got ya, fam.
Thanks again—]ttyl8r
Ending my texting conversation with Mark, I feel a burden of relief rise up off my shoulders. For some reason I feel at peace. As if breaking up with Shame is going to be a piece of cake. I know I can do this. Well, at least I think I can. As long as he accep
ts it and leave it at that we’re good. With that being said, I’m going to run myself a bubble bath, with some candles relax. Besides, it’s 7:12 p.m. I deserve an early night of relaxation.
15
“I wish I could go back to the day that I met you and just walk away. Honestly. It would’ve saved me so much hurt and pain.”
After bathing, I notice that my phone is flashing due to a missed call. The call was from Shame. He’s left a message. Shame never leaves messages. Clicking on the message icon, I hit play to listen to his message.
“What’s up, bay, I was just thinkin’ ’bout ya … was wonderin’ if I could come through to see you. I saw that you texted Mike, telling him that you needed to talk. Well, I’m your man. So I don’t see the reason to you calling Mike. I’m free. Call me back and we can talk. Love ya.”
I think about calling him back. I think about the conversation I had with Mike about not wanting to be with Shame anymore. But, damn, after that long soak in the tub, my feelings and thoughts of doing just that washed away and went down the drain with every other feeling and thought. For some reason good hot showers and long baths can make you feel so positive and renewed. Right now, after my bubble bath, I want to avoid any argument or negative confrontation. Making the decision on not calling Shame back, I go to the kitchen and make some popcorn, grab a wine cooler out of the fridge, and I’m officially in the mood to watch a movie … by myself. I head to my bedroom and slip in the DVD.
Hours after laughing and crying then falling asleep watching Waiting to Exhale, I groggily roll over to see if I have any messages on my phone. I have a missed call from my mom and Dreyia, and Shame has called me three times. “Ugh, dammit,” I mumble to myself.
I sure wasn’t expecting him to blow up my phone. This was the first in a long time, which makes me wonder what the hell this nigga wants for him to be blowing up my phone. I guess since I didn’t give his ass a call back I feel the need to sweat me. Men are a trip—once a female starts losing her patience and not giving a damn—that’s when his ass wants to act like everything between the two of you is so important. When a guy knows you are fed up and realize he’s losing you … I’m telling you, shit gets real.
A Lover's Mentality Page 7
