“That’s what’s up, Shame, that’s good to know. But just as you are missing me, you are missing your hoes too, so kick rocks with that shit. That shit is not working this time.” I know that I am lying to myself. Although our official break up was only a few days ago,, so I can’t just get over him just like that. It’s not that easy. I am wondering why I can’t let go and move on. He was the one wrong, not me. If only he would stop calling.
“Baby, just come see me. I just want to see you. I just want to talk. We don’t have to have sex,” Shame say anxiously into the phone.
“Who said that we were going to have sex, Shame?” I say as I climb out of bed.
“I didn’t say we were. Now you are taking things out of context. I just said it don’t have to be about sex. I just want to see you.”
Although I am upset and heartbroken over him cheating, I want to see him too. I want to question him on the Jennifer girl and his baby mama. Especially, after all that we have been through together. We rarely argued or ever fought. I really have love for him. He was the first person I actually had a sexual relationship with whom I have ultimately built feelings for. In spite of him having a son on the way that is due any day now, I look passed that. Only to find out that he is still fucking the bitch, and fucking this Jennifer girl, and who knows who else. And I am the victim who is feeling sorry for him and our relationship by wanting to mend things and get on with our lives. But just like Tyrese said in Chingy’s song, “Every time I try to leave something keeps pulling me back, me back telling me that I need you in my life. Every time I try to go something keeps telling me that, me that every things gone be all right.”
I check the time was again; it’s now 3:45 a.m.; he knows I am off tomorrow, therefore he knew what he was doing when he called me at three in the morning with that “I miss you” shit. Clinging on to my thoughts, I hold the phone up to my ear, blocking out Shame’s voice.
The thought of Shame wanting to see me made me realize that I haven’t had sex in a few days and it was weighing on my mind. As much as I am fed up with Shame’s shit, I still was in need of some dick. I’m not the type of girl who would just lay up with any nigga. So with Shame being my ex,. I still want to give him the business. The devil on the left side of my shoulder is saying, “Fuck that shit, girl, use that nigga. He wants you, you are supposed to be the H.B.I.C (Head Bitch In Charge)! Use that title to its full advantage!”
All the while, the angel on my right side is saying, “Let go and let God, let go and Let God.” Of course, with me being the person that I am, I agree with the devil.
“So what you gone do? You gone come see me?” Shame asks with pity in his voice.
I sigh saying that I will be there in about thirty minutes. After hanging up the phone, I ask myself what I have gotten myself into. I brush my shoulder-length hair into a ponytail then turn off my bedroom light. I walk down the hallway near my front door taking a quick glance at myself in the mirror while grabbing my phone, my keys, and then stepping out the door into the night, making sure the door was secured and locked.
As I drove to Shame’s grandmother’s home out in Brainerd, I think about turning around. Foolish enough, I don’t. As I near the Germantown exit, I feel my heart race even more. I can’t believe I am going to see him after what I have been through the past few days of arguing, breaking up, making up through sex--- it’s all a cycle… .
22
“Sometimes you have to step back into reality to realize why you made the decision that you have made . It takes observing your situation” Sade Collins
“Girl, Shame is cheatin’ on you.”
I hold the phone to my ear as I hear my girl tell me the news. I feel some shit was going down, but who am I to say that it’s true or not? Females in Chatt always knocking each other; there was no official real bitch in this city that I have come across. Hell, I wouldn’t even consider myself real either. Truth be told.
“You know dis chick name Jennifer Cane who went to my school. Well, rumor has it dat Shame been fuckin’ her, his baby mama, and some otha hoes.”
“So how did you find this shit out?” I ask Shay as I switch the phone to my left ear to put on my earring.
“You know hoes can’t keep their mouths or their damn legs closed round here. Once they get some otha bitch dick, then it’s a wrap. Gums go poppin’.”
I know Shay from around the way. We used to work together down at Steak and Shake. Although Shay is gay and at times bi, I’ve grown to respect her and that was when we grew a sisterly bond.
“You know those bitches be talkin’ shit, Mya. They told me not to tell you, but you my mothafuckin’ sista; they have me fucked up. I don’t know who they think I am, but you know me. To hell with the shit, if dat nigga cheatin’ on you then you have the right to fuckin’ know. Fuck dat bullshit dat they talking.”
I can picture Shay on the other end of the phone, with her hands on her hips, rolling her eyes, popping her lips, while digging in her quick weave. I am in dismay about Shame cheating on me. Even though I feel the shit coming, but damn why like this? How could he? I knew he was up to no good, I feel that from a mile away. Instead, I want to ignore that woman intuition and give him the benefit of the doubt. Now here I am, on the phone with my home girl in my ear, telling me about Shame and his shit.
“You know what?” I say as I put on my shoes. “I remember him mentioning the Jennifer girl because I asked him about her. And he said that she was his best friend.”
“Best friend, Yemya?” Shay asked. “I know you can’t have believed that shit.”
I feel foolish. How could I have been so dumb to the fact that Shame has been cheating on me? How could I be so damn blind? I think about the times that I have let him use my car. I remembered hearing about him buying his baby mama roses and a bear for Valentine’s Day, having the roses trailed from the sidewalk to her door. The phone calls, the text messages, the hearing from him every so often … how could I have been so careless?
After the phone call from Shay, my life with Shame started to unravel. Jennifer instant messaged me on Facebook. She introduced herself and how she knew Shame. Jennifer told me that she and Shame did sleep together but only once. How she knew he was in a relationship but he told her that he wanted to be with her and didn’t want to hurt my feelings. Come to find out Shame would tell Jennifer one thing but did the total opposite with me. He told Jennifer he loved her and that he wasn’t with me. As the conversation continued to unfold, Shame began to call me, telling me not listen to Jennifer, all the while telling Jennifer not to listen to me. I was furious.
Hearing the horn blowing behind me, I snap back into reality from being in a daze, I then sped through the green light heading down Germantown Road.. Contemplating on if I should go through with seeing Shame, I pass the Walgreens, turned a right on Gillespie, pull into the gravel in front of a row of duplexes. I inhaled slowly, pulling out my phone. I send a text letting him know that I am outside. After pressing send, I exhale slowly, lean back in my seat, closing my eyes …
I think about the first time that I met Shame; my best friend hooked us up. The moment we met I was attracted to him. From his swag and the way that he wore his dreads. I would even joke to him about him reminding me of Tupac with hair. After a couple nights of talking on the phone, we decided to go on a date for us to get to know each other. Shame, Andreyia, Kenny, and I went on a double date to a scary house not far from the city. Upon arriving, I noticed the silliness in Shame’s behavior to the way that he touched me sent currents of sensations throughout body. From the way he said, “Come fly with a real nigga” and “Lay on my cloud and make it your pillow.” There was something about Shame that just piqued my interest. He was different.
The first time we had sex, we were chilling in the Brainerd Recreation Center parking lot in my car. Shame started kissing me on my neck. Rubbing my thigh, slowly inching toward my pussy; I was getting heated by the moment. Never have I been touched in the way that Shame was touch
ing me. Neither have I been in a real relationship. Feeling a man’s hand touching and kissing me in places that I have never experienced before, and yet he was just only touching me through my clothes.
Slowly Shame slid his hands through my shorts, caressing my clitoris with his fingers. Not leaving a trace of his lips off my neck. I started to shutter in his hands. Not once have I ever felt this effect from someone. Not once has someone tenderly touched me in places I forgot that I even had.
I felt Shame insert one finger inside me, slowly feeling around for my g-spot, maneuvering his finger in and out of me as he massaged my clit, opening it up enough for him to glide another finger inside of me. I didn’t know what to do. Should I moan? The shit was feeling so good I couldn’t do anything but to open my legs wider. His touches ignited my body, bringing my soul to life, and I wanted him more. I wanted to know what it felt like to have a man glide his dick inside of me. Sucking on my neck and breast, caressing my ass as he thrust his long, hard dick inside of my swollen pussy. I have never experienced that feeling. And tonight, tonight was the night that I wanted to know what it felt like to be fucked by someone you love.
Jumping, I heard a knock on my window. Startled from being shaken out of my thoughts, I look around realizing that I am in front of Shame’s grandmother house. I turn my head and see Shame peering through my passenger side window smiling. Seeing him after the confrontation makes my heart skip a beat. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. Part of me wants to curse him out and knock the shit out of him. The other half wants to break down and cry. After being together for six months, I’m emotionally attached to Shame. I am hurt and even though my expression doesn’t show it at all, my thoughts trigger my emotions a mile a minute.
I unlock the door to let Shame in. He opens the door and slowly gets in. He has the biggest smile on his face.
I look at him and that stupid grin on his face; I wonder what the hell he is smiling about. I can’t believe the cheating Shame has done and bullshit that he has put me through. The mothafucka wants to smile. I am flabbergasted at what I am seeing.
“What’s up, baby? I miss you,” Shame says with a sincere voice.
“You miss me, Shame? Do you even realize what has been going on these past days? Do you? Obviously you don’t! Are you fucking some girl named Jennifer? The same fucking girl that you said was your best friend? The shit that you have been going back and forth between us Shame. Really? And you want to smile and say that you fucking miss me?” I am beyond pissed and about to light it up on some shit. I haven’t seen him since Shay told me about Jennifer. And he was confronted about the shit. Hell, I didn’t want to see him then but something told me to see him now. Yet and still I don’t know why I am here.
“Yemya, you gone believe that dumb shit over me?” Shame asks.
“I got the damn messages you sent the girl, Shame, when you was sending me messages at the same damn time. Who is foolish ’cause it sho’ in the hell ain’t me.” My alter ego is revealing herself and isn’t about to play no games. My body is rising with anger as my vocabulary changes; I am officially 38 hot.
“Baby, just hear me out,” Shame pleads as he reaches for my hand.
“There is really nothing to say, Shame. What more can you say other than what’s been said?” My voice is calm, and as he holds my hand, I look at him. I want to erase the past few days. As much as I want to, my mind can’t. Not just yet.
Shame leans in close kissing me on my lips. As quick as the thought came to pushing him away and leaving, it faded. I melt under his embrace as we kiss each other as if our lives depended on it. Every angry thought, every angry feeling became numb to my body as everything that I thought that I hated about Shame seemed to dissolve.
Until flashbacks invade my mind, voices becoming attuned in my head. I open my eyes and saw myself falling hard all over again for Shame. I found myself in this world called “Bitch, wake up and smell the damn coffee!” As much as I want to imagine myself having that feeling back that I once have with Shame, I can’t do it. I can’t put myself through it anymore. Easing myself away from Shame and our lip-locking moment, I think to myself, what the hell am I doing?
“Shame, look I need to go. I can’t do this.” I push him away.
“What you mean, Mya? I love you, girl. We have a chemistry that’s so strong that I can feel it! I know you just feel those currents and your pussy was getting wet too!” Shame laughs as he reached over the armrest to caress my thigh.
Pushing his hand away, my focus turns from looking out the front window to Shame’s grin. “What tha’ fuck?” I say as I feel myself getting angry over again. “You think this shit is cute, Shame? You think you can run game on me just because we were together? I’m done, Shame. Don’t try to be slick and slide your way back in like everything is cool!”
“What? See, that’s that shit I be talking about. Why you come here, Yemya? If you ain’t tryin’ to fuck wit a nigga, den why are we sitting in your car hugged up, kissing and shit? I thought we left that bullshit in the past.”
“I just wanted to see if you was what I wanted, Shame. I can’t put myself through this love rollercoaster with you anymore. I just can’t do it. It was a mistake that I came out here any damn way. I don’t know what the hell I was thinkin’!”
“You was thinking ’bout us, Mya.”
“Shame I need to go, so could you please just get out?” I plea as I start my ignition, indicating that I am serious.
“What nigga you caught up with? What is it? You fuckin’ some nigga, Mya?. Aiight. I see how it is … when that nigga do you wrong …” Shame says as he continues to make accusations.
“You don’t know shit, Shame!” I say, cutting him off before he can even finish his sentence. “The nigga probably do me wayyy better than you did. I’m sure of that. Like I said, get out of my car!” Hustle and I wasn’t fucking off, but I wanted to add fuel to the fire. Hell, Shame wants to get mad and pop off at the mouth, I’m willing to give him something to think about.
Shame glances at me, shaking his head as he sucks his teeth. “Aight, Yemya,” he says as he opens the car door, then slams it shut without looking back. I sigh, tilting my head back against the headrest saying a silent prayer. Seeing him walk into the duplex, I am thankful that my mind is stronger than my heart.
I’ve come to terms that I can do this. I can leave Shame alone for good. But it has to be my decision. Not my girls, not the crazy books I read about relationships. None of that shit can determine me but me. What hurts the most is having the strength to walk away from someone who hurt so you deeply and yet you love them so much, for whatever reason that may be. As I drive away, I continue to think about my choices with Shame after this hurdle that I find myself barely leaping over. Love is a dangerous game, dammit! As much as I want to turn around and forgive Shame, to hear him speak his game and feel him make love to me, my heart just can’t do it.
23
“The show must go on … with or without you.”
People will come in and out of your life, pushing and pulling you, and constantly your heart will get broken. It’s life. Sometimes you wonder if it will always be this way? As I become to grow, I am consistently learning to put myself first. Hey, that’s what I should have done when it came to making a life or death decision before I aborted my child. Yes, I did put myself first, but it was in a selfish act. I thought about myself and myself only. Although in the end, sometimes people in the world will in fact turn their backs on you and you will only have yourself. Although at those times, you will only have yourself and you’ll would want to block out the world, which isn’t the best thing to do. Reason being there is always going to be something out in the world that it can offer to you. That’s a true life lesson.
Life is about taking risks. You love, you love hard and fuck around, and you get hurt. The world isn’t going to stop just because you had a sour relationship. Hell, it didn’t stop for me when I was going through the motion with Shame. H
e was still fucking off, hoes was still calling my phone, his baby mama was still with the shit … I mean, I’ve learned that it turned out to be a never-ending story unless I did something about it.
Life is too short to hold grudges, to worry about your enemies even to live in the past. I am realizing that it is a waste of time and the happiness that I am missing out on. They say laugh when you can and apologize when you should. Not only that, but to let go of what you can’t change. So far, there is no changing Shame. At the time, I felt like loving him was right, so yeah, I admit that I loved him deeply, forgave him quickly, and took my chances of dealing with the bullshit that I had to go through. In all, I’m sitting here telling myself that I shouldn’t have any regrets. Yet I’m regretting loving him . I’m regretting aborting my unborn. I’m regretting giving in to love.
Life is too short to be unhappy. They say take the good with the bad, and I’m finding a hard time at balancing the two. But I will keep on smiling; I’m going to keep loving what I have. Not only that, but I am damn sure going to learn from these simple-ass mistakes and choices that I choose to make. In life, people do change and things do go wrong—but Yemya LeShay Smith’s life must go on.
I sit across my bed, pulling my journal from underneath my pillow, and begin to write down my thoughts that are flowing through my mind. For some reason, expressing them on paper gives me the feeling of peace. What was imprinted in ink can never be erased from my heart.
Yemya, don’t wake up tomorrow morning with regrets. I need to get myself together and focus on my love for the ones who treat me right and fuck the ones who don’t. They won’t cause shit but problems in my life. In belief, know that things happen for a reason. If it was meant for Shame and I to be together then God would have issued that blessing. But apparently, He has another thing in store for me. Therefore, my patience must be a virtue. Besides, chances change my life for a reason. I just have to learn to trust God and let it.
A Lover's Mentality Page 11
