by Blue Saffire
I took my phone out of my pocket and called her. I didn’t want to look at the time. I didn’t want to think about how late it was to be calling her and about her questions. She would have been discreet—she was always discreet, never asking as many questions as she wanted to ask me. But I could hear it just from the tone of her voice, from the way she spoke a little more slowly than before. I needed a friendly voice, though, after what had happened. Even if she was angry that I woke her up in the middle of the night.
She answered after the second ring, her voice groggy with sleep. “Hello?”
“Hey,” I said. “I got kicked out. Any chance you could get me a reservation somewhere else?”
“Shit,” she said. She sounded more awake instantly, but not happier at all. “What happened?”
“I’ll tell you when I get back to the office, which might be sooner than we thought,” I said. “I don’t know if I can face doing this training thing after the night I’ve had. Especially if I have to sleep at the airport.”
“I’ll try to find something,” she said. “But boss, I don’t want you to get your hopes up. I looked earlier and everything seemed to be booked. Things didn’t—”
“I need to conserve my battery. I have to go.”
I hung up in the middle of her next sentence, unsure of what she was saying to me. I could practically hear the panic in her voice, but I didn’t have it in me to worry about that. Every time I closed my eyes, I could see Logan’s face, I could hear his wounded voice. It made me feel sick to my stomach.
I made my way to the bar, my stomach dropping when I realized how dark it was. There was no way it was open. I looked around to try and find a place to hunker down for the night, far from the reception desk. I knew that the receptionist might kick me out, since I had still not checked in.
I found a little sofa near a poorly lit area which seemed to be closed to the pool. With this kind of weather, I didn’t think anyone was going to be going near the pool. I didn’t think it was going to be a particularly comfortable night, but I could just get up in the morning when everyone was checking out. I could blend in, maybe even get my bags. I just didn’t know how I was supposed to speak to Logan to get them back.
Fuck, I couldn’t even think about that. I couldn’t think about Logan at all without feeling queasy.
I sat down on the chair, my body sinking into it. I didn’t know how the fuck I was going to be able to sleep through the night. I was thirsty and upset and I knew I couldn’t exactly go up to the reception area. I couldn’t even use my phone to distract myself because I didn’t have any way to charge it and it wasn’t as if I could just walk to a store and get a charger myself.
Maybe the storm would let up soon, I thought as I looked out the window. Maybe it would calm down soon and I could just buy new clothes when I got home. It would be a waste of money, of course. The idea of spending money so frivolously would have upset me any other time, but it was clearly the price I needed to pay in order to never speak to Logan again.
I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to explain everything, why I hadn’t said a thing, why I had gone through with everything without saying a word about his identity. There was nothing I could do, nothing I could say. Nothing that could make it better.
I put my head in my hands and waited for the time to pass.
7
I was woken up by a hand on my shoulder. It took me a few seconds to orient myself. It was still dark outside and I’d never slept in a chair in a lobby before, not for the night, so I was confused at the strange scenery surrounding me, at how dark it was. I rubbed my eyes as I craned my neck. The same receptionist was touching me, but she didn’t have the customer service smile anymore. There was a darkened look in her eyes. I straightened up, trying to ignore the drool on my chin.
“Sir,” she said. “You can’t sleep here.”
“I didn’t mean to fall asleep,” I said. “I was waiting for my assistant to call me back with a reservation and I—”
She stared at me with such hardness in her eyes, I immediately quieted down.
“You can’t be here,” she said.
I looked back at her, narrowing my eyes. I had tried to book a room and, considering how well my night had gone, I had been exceedingly polite. “Where am I supposed to be?” I asked. “I tried to book a room. You said that there were no vacancies.”
“There are no vacancies,” she said.
“And where am I supposed to go?” I said, pointing at the window. The storm was still going on, though it didn’t look like it was raging anymore. There was snow on the ground and very little visibility. I could hear the wind whistling outside, hitting the window and making it rattle.
She crossed her arms over her chest as she straightened up. “To be honest, sir—”
“Stop,” I said as I got to my feet. “You can have me forcibly removed if you want, but I’m just going to walk back inside, and this time, I’ll be making a scene.”
“That seems rather unnecessary.”
“It would, if you had given me a room,” I said. “But fine, you don’t have one. So call me a cab. Get me in somewhere else. Except you can’t, because there are probably no cars on the road and I don’t think one of them wants to come get me. The ground is covered in snow, I am not braving the walk to the airport just so I can sleep there while I freeze my ass off.”
“There’s no need to speak to me like this.”
I cleared my throat and looked away from him. “I’m not bothering anyone,” I said. “I’ll pay you for a room rate if you just let me stick around for the night. Please.”
“I can’t allow you to do that.”
I rolled my eyes. “What are you going to do? Call the police?” I asked, then looked out the window. “Like they don’t have better things to worry about tonight.”
She pursed her lips. “I came here personally because I didn’t want to get security to deal with you,” she said. “I could see that you were just down on your luck, but—”
“Get security to deal with me!” I heard myself say. I had never made a scene before, but I was ready to start screaming at her. I definitely didn’t want to threaten her, but I felt myself close to losing control.
I thought, a little absent-mindedly, that this might be the night I hit rock bottom as I looked down at the woman.
It was enough to snap me out of it. I rubbed my temple and looked at her, then down at her nametag. “I’m sorry,” I’ve said. “I’ve had a terrible now but I’m sure yours hasn’t been much better. I really do have nowhere to go. I’ve never even be to Cleveland before. I promise I’ll get out of your hair before you know it and I’ll owe you a massive favor, Deidre.”
She sighed, but her expression softened slightly. “Okay,” she said. “Just… stay out of the way, okay?”
I nodded. “Of course,” I said. “You won’t even know that I’m here. I promise.”
She raised her eyebrows, then waved me off. “Okay,” she said. “Fine. But you really do need to stay out of the way. I’m not supposed to do this at all, I could get fired and…”
I nodded. “Don’t worry,” I said. “I promise, I’ll be practically invisible.”
She nodded again, then she turned around and began to walk away. I watched as she turned the corner and went back to the reception desk and sighed. I threw myself back on the chair and sighed again, this time swearing under my breath, absolutely sure I wasn’t going to be able to get a wink of sleep.
I heard the storm slowly begin to wind down. I could also hear people slowly begin to make their way downstairs. It was early in the morning, I thought. I couldn’t be sure. I took my phone out of my pocket, wondering if I had missed a call from Valerie, but it was dead. It had probably been dead for a while.
Nobody had bothered me for the rest of the night, but I had been right. I hadn’t managed to get a wink of sleep and my head was pounding. All I had managed to do all night was think about Logan. I had wanted to go up to his door and knock,
ask him if he wanted to talk, but there was nothing I could possibly say. I had thought about it for so long, ran a bunch of scenarios through my head, and Logan ended up forgiving me in none of them.
I didn’t even know if I needed his forgiveness. I just wanted him to know that I never meant to hurt him or lie to him. I’d had fun and I definitely hadn’t been using him, which was what I thought he’d felt. I had wanted it. I had wanted him.
And he had, too, when he didn’t know who I was. It was unfair, I supposed, and it made me feel sick to my stomach.
I got to my feet and decided that it was time to face him. I needed to get my bags, get back to the airport and get in touch with Valerie for my new itinerary. It all seemed relatively simple, except for the fact that I would have to face Logan again. It was also going to give me an excuse to apologize to him. I had to do it.
I walked toward the elevator and waited with a bunch of other people. I tried to look straight at the elevator as I attempted to talk myself into this. There was a part of me that just wanted to turn around and forget about my bags. Forget about Logan Summers and forget all about fuckin’ Cleveland and about this fucking thundersnow storm.
The elevator beeped as it arrived and a few people got out. I waited until several filed in, then slowly made my way in and stood at the front. I was going to have to get out of the lift soon and confront this person. My childhood neighbor from across the street. The guy I had slept with the night before.
I walked over to his room, then looked at the door. “Do it,” I told myself under my breath. “Don’t be a coward.”
I moved my hand up and knocked softly on the door. I held my breath as I waited for footsteps coming closer to the door, but there were no footsteps. I couldn’t hear anything. I pinched the bridge of my nose and rapped on the door again.
I could hear footsteps coming toward the door this time. I closed my eyes for a second as I tried to brace myself for the confrontation that was about to happen. The door cracked open and I expected to see Logan there, looking furious. But the person I was looking at wasn’t Logan.
It was some guy I thought I had seen before, but I wasn’t sure where. He looked at me for a second, his brow furrowed. “Yes?”
I cleared my throat. I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to say. I took a step forward and looked into the room. “Is Logan here?”
“You want to see Logan?”
I nodded, my mouth dry. I knew I had no right to be angry or jealous, but my head was swimming and I felt dizzy. “Yeah.”
“Logan, some guy is here to see you,” the man said into the room.
I looked away from him. I heard Logan say something in the room, but I couldn’t make out what he was saying.
“I dunno,” the man in front of me said, then turned back to me. “What’s your name?”
“Devon.”
“Devon!” the man shouted into the room.
I heard Logan swear, then I heard his footsteps approaching us. I could feel my breath catch in my throat as I saw his face. He looked tired, like he hadn’t slept at all. There were bags under his eyes, which were bloodshot, and his hair was sticking to his forehead.
“Aaron,” he said, turning to look at the man who had opened the door. “Can you give us a minute?”
Aaron shrugged, then slowly walked out of the room. I watched him as he walked toward the elevator.
“Who is that?” I heard myself say.
“Aaron,” Logan replied. He sounded annoyed. “How is that your business?”
I swallowed as I turned back to look at him. “I came back because—”
“You wanted your bags?”
I nodded. “Yeah,” I said. “But that wasn’t the only reason I wanted to talk to you.”
Logan raised his eyebrows. “I don’t want to talk to you.”
“I’ll only take a second,” I said.
He looked down at me, his eyes narrow, and waited. I felt shaky. I should have practiced what I was going to say to him, but even if I had, in that moment, my mind felt like it had gone completely blank.
“You just wasted your second,” he said, turning around. “I’ll go get your bags.”
“No,” I said, taking a step forward and grabbing him by the wrist. When I saw the way his gaze darted from my hand on his wrist to my eyes, I instantly let go of him. “Please.”
He rolled his eyes. “Fine,” he said. “What?”
“I just… I wanted to apologize,” I said. “I wanted to make sure that you knew I was sorry.”
“You’re sorry. I know.” His expression never changed. He looked at me coldly. With anger, but with sadness too.
“I thought about telling you so many times. I just didn’t know how you would react.”
“That seems like my call to make.”
“It is.” I looked away from him. “I think this is going to seem really stupid to you, but I really did like you, and I didn’t want the past to come between us.”
He shook his head. “I did everything I could to escape that place. Seriously, my life is literally orchestrated so I never have to think about Danville. You didn’t just bring that into my life, you brought into my bedroom. I get it, you’re an experienced, you don’t know what being gay is like. That is way beyond uncool.”
“This was never about home. It was just a coincidence. You turned out to be really nice, I didn’t feel like I could just walk away from you.”
“You never tried.”
“I did. I tried several times. Then I realized that all I wanted to do was spend the night with you.”
“Okay, and they should have been able to decide if I wanted to spend the night with my childhood neighbor. Isn’t that right, Jay?”
I shook my head, tilting it up so that he couldn’t see the tears welling up in it. I understood that I had no right to be upset, but everything felt wrong. “That’s not my name.”
“That’s what I knew you as.”
“I know, but I stopped going by the name a long time ago. I also made my life about getting as far away from home as possible,” I said. “I never thought I would find you. I know were like Facebook friends, but I don’t really know you. And I always wanted to tell you that you were the person he gave me the courage to get out. Without you I would’ve never gone to college or opened my own company.”
He was looking at me, his brow furrowed. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, you were always true to who you wanted to be. Even when it was hard. Even when it was almost impossible. I never had that and I always thought that the fact you did was incredible.”
“Okay…”
He looked confused. I knew I should’ve probably stopped talking, but now that I had gotten started I didn’t know if I could. I needed to tell him everything, absolutely everything, so that he knew that I never meant to hurt him. And then I needed to go home and forget about this. Because there is absolutely nothing else I could.
I took a deep breath before I continued talking. “And then I realized I had a chance with you and everything changed, it felt real, it felt like I could finally be myself with somebody who would get me. So I understand if you are angry with me, or if you are hurt, but I want you to know that I never meant to hurt your feelings.”
“Devon—”
I smiled, but I didn’t want to stop talking. Not yet. Not until I put everything on the table. “I would never tell anyone about what happened. I was afraid you would, and honestly, that’s the reason I didn’t tell you why was. Because I’m a fucking coward.”
He was looking at me, saying nothing.
I closed my eyes and felt the tears slide down my cheek. “But I get it now. I understand that I was the one putting you in danger, that you have no reason to trust me, that you would think I would do something like use you.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize. Not to me. You haven’t done anything wrong. I’m the one he should apologize to you, because I really fucked things up, huh?”
> He smiled, but the smiled didn’t quite reach his eyes. “That’s what I’m sorry about. I wish we hide run into each other under different circumstances.”
“Me too.”
We looked at each other for a second. I’d said everything I needed to say, and while it definitely happened me things fine between us, or even easier, I could see the relief in his posture and in his expression. I was about to ask him for my bags, but she is one, he reached out and gave me a tight hug. I could smell his shampoo. It took me a second to react, but I hugged him back. We held each other for a little while, neither one of us saying anything.
He moved away from me, smiling at me. “I’ll go get your bags. By the way, I’m proud of you.”
“Why?”
She winked at me before he turned around. “You’ll figure it out,” he said, his back turned to me. “I’m sure you will.”
8
“You’re not just going to abandon me with him, are you?” I asked Valerie. She was in the driver seat, driving me to a charter flight class I didn’t want to go to.
“I’m not. I do have to work, though,” she said. “And I’m definitely not getting on a plane with you at the pilot.”
“Rude,” I said. “I thought I gave you the day off.”
“You did, and there’s nothing I want to do in the world more than watch you squirm as you get on a tiny plane, but I still need to sort out the scholarship for that receptionist. You still want to pay all her tuition?”
I nodded. “Yeah,” I said. “She was nice to me when she didn’t have to be.”
Valerie smiled at me as she turned a corner. “You know, you’re not so bad,” she said.
“Thanks.”
“Well, I mean, you have your moments,” she said. “Like making us come all the way to Austin for this. That’s pretty extra.”
“I didn’t make us do this,” I said. “You told me it was the perfect excuse. I didn’t know he was based in Texas.”
