by Ranae Rose
James answered, looking surprised at first, then suspicious. “What happened?”
She stepped inside. “Dylan had to leave for Newark again. Another family emergency.”
His frown didn’t fade. “Is that the truth? He didn’t do anything to you, did he?”
“Of course not.” She frowned right back at him.
Arianna appeared, looking cute in a form-fitting blue maternity t-shirt. Her pregnancy was finally showing. “Is he all right?”
Crystal bit her inner lip. She had no idea how much Dylan planned to share with everyone at Hot Ink, and she didn’t want to blab anything he might want to keep private. But at the same time, she didn’t want James and Arianna to think he’d skipped town irresponsibly and that she was covering for him.
“No,” she said, and clamped her mouth shut.
“Emily’s asleep,” Arianna said. “We can talk, if you want.”
“It’s not my news to share, but Dylan’s brother is in the hospital. Dylan’s really upset.”
They didn’t pry for more information.
“Do you want to hang out here for a while?” James asked. “Emily’s asleep. You don’t have to leave right away.”
“No, it’s getting late. I’ll just take her home now.”
She knew company wouldn’t ease the worry that kept cycling through her head, making her wish she could be with Dylan.
No matter how hard she wished, she had other responsibilities that kept her home. She didn’t resent that, but she still wished she could be there for him.
Remembering how he’d been there for her from a distance when she’d been sick, she wracked her mind for some way she could help, even from Pittsburgh.
No matter how hard she thought, she couldn’t come up with anything.
* * * * *
Ben was asleep when Dylan got to the hospital, so there was no telling how severe the damage was just by looking at him.
Carbon monoxide poisoning could be bad. Really bad. Thoughts of brain damage and disability had haunted Dylan during his drive to New Jersey. He found a nurse immediately and identified himself as Ben’s brother and emergency contact, demanding information on how he was doing.
When the nurse said it could’ve been worse, it took a while for her words to settle in.
“It’s not a severe case of poisoning,” she said. “His boss found him quickly and got him out of the garage.”
For the first time, Dylan fully realized that Griff had risked his ass to save Ben. “What about him – is he all right?”
“He’s been discharged already.”
Dylan took that as a yes and resolved to call Griff as soon as would be reasonable and thank him. Right now, it was just past three am.
“So Ben’s not going to have any long-term disability?” Dylan asked.
“You can talk to the doctor when he evaluates your brother again in the morning. But like I said, it’s not a severe case.”
Dylan spent the rest of the night in Ben’s hospital room, drowning in a mixture of relief and guilt.
* * * * *
Ben was discharged from the hospital after just two days and advised to see a psychiatrist during regular office hours. It was no surprise – mental health was at the very bottom of the list of things most people gave half a fuck about, and the healthcare system reflected that.
It was up to Dylan to support Ben. He called his doctor, who agreed to see Ben immediately. At the appointment, the doctor said that the medications he’d prescribed Ben had been known to sometimes cause suicidal thoughts, especially in people under twenty-five. He wrote him new prescriptions, and they stopped to fill them on the way home.
They hadn’t spoken much in the hospital. At Ben’s apartment, Dylan struggled with what to say as they sat there with food he’d picked up from a drive-through.
Ben didn’t eat. Dylan didn’t feel like eating, but did anyway, not caring that the food was junk.
“I’m sorry,” he finally said, “for leaving you alone. I should’ve stuck around.”
“Not your job to babysit me,” Ben said.
“If I’d been around, I might’ve noticed something was off. This might not have happened.” He could practically sense the shame radiating off of Ben, and wanted to let him know he didn’t need to feel that way.
“Nah. It’s not like I planned it for days. I just – I don’t know, got really fed up with everything that day, and decided I’d rather check out than deal with this huge pain in the ass. It was stupid.”
“Hey, you heard what the doctor said about that medication. You weren’t thinking straight. Not your fault.”
“Am I ever thinking straight? If the chemicals in your brain can make you want to kill yourself, what can’t they do?” Ben shook his head. “If we’re all just the chemical balance in our brains, then I guess I’m a defective person.”
Dylan recognized the ideas – it was like having his own thoughts from six years ago played back to him. He’d struggled to avoid confusing bipolar disorder with his identity too.
“It doesn’t work like that. You’re more than the chemicals rushing around in your head – we all are.”
“Bullshit. Taking those meds was like having the wool pulled away from my eyes – we’re all just fucking chemistry. You either luck out with the way your brain is wired, or you don’t.”
“I thought that too, for a while. Then I realized it was bullshit.”
“How is it bullshit?”
“Look at my art – my tattoos, my drawings. I created those, not some pill or some imbalance. Medications can’t create anything. Neither can disorders. It takes a human being to create. Every time I draw a new design or tattoo someone, that’s proof that I’m not just some chemical accident.”
“Well, I can’t draw worth a shit.”
“You paint. You have things you care about and are good at, and you know it. Griff told me you’re his best employee.”
“Yeah, until I tried to off myself in his garage, with a client’s car.” Ben looked miserable.
“We can talk to Griff. Explain about the medications. You’re having a rough time adjusting, but you’re getting treatment. Things will get better.”
Ben shook his head. “I blew it. He gave me a second chance and I used it to fuck him over. You know he got sick dragging me out of the Shelby. They had to give him oxygen at the hospital.”
“So you think he’d poison himself to help you, but he won’t want you to come back to work?”
“Pretty much. I don’t feel like going to work anyway. I don’t feel like doing anything – that’s the really shitty thing. I just don’t give a fuck.”
“It’ll pass.”
“I don’t know. I don’t know if I can deal with this – if I want to deal with it. I did some research and being medicated seems like a minefield – you never know when something’s going to blow up on you.” He raised his arms, as if indicating himself. “Case in point.”
“I’m sorry the medication sucked. There’s no such thing as medicine that works for everyone. You should’ve seen me when some asshat doctor put me on lithium without trying anything else first – I was a mess. Couldn’t work. Could barely get myself a glass of fucking water. Went around shaking like a little old lady and more or less flipped out.
“I didn’t want to talk to a doctor ever again, let alone take any medication. I thought I’d made a huge mistake by admitting to anyone that there was anything wrong with my mental health.”
Ben didn’t say anything.
“I used to think that I just had to make it until I was dead,” Dylan continued. “Keep my crazy boxed in long enough not to do any major damage, and eventually it’d all be over and I’d finally be able to breathe. Or not. I didn’t care – I just needed to think that there’d be an end to everything, eventually. Some people might not be capable of understanding how that was comforting, but I think you are.”
Ben’s gaze finally shifted to Dylan.
“That was yea
rs ago. I don’t feel that way now. In fact, my life is pretty damn good.” Except for the bottomless chasm of guilt that gaped inside him. Fuck, he’d never forgive himself for almost letting Ben die.
“Well, as far as my life goes, I’ve dug myself into a pretty shitty hole. Work was my life.”
Dylan could see that that was true. During the weeks he’d spent with Ben, he’d never witnessed anyone else coming over to hang out, or Ben going out with anyone. And no one had come to check in on him at the hospital. It looked like Ben didn’t have any friends, and that was enough to drag anyone down, bipolar or not.
“I have an idea,” Dylan said.
“What?”
“How about you come back to Pittsburgh with me for a while? We can get your health figured out there, and when you’re ready, you can go back to work.”
“Griff probably won’t want me back. Not that I blame him.”
“Won’t hurt to ask. And if he says no, maybe you can look for work in Pittsburgh.”
He wouldn’t have suggested it if Ben had had strong ties in Newark, but it looked like Griff and the garage were it. And if Griff didn’t want him back, he might as well start over somewhere new.
If Ben refused to come to Pittsburgh, Dylan would have no choice but to stay in Newark.
CHAPTER 21
“Hey.” Crystal tried not to sound as breathlessly relieved as she actually was when Dylan called her on the third day of his absence.
They’d exchanged a few texts over the past couple days, but that was it. She’d spent a lot of time worrying about him and his brother.
“Hey. Not bothering you at work, am I?” There was a hollow quality to his voice that made her heart sink.
“No, I started early today. I’m home now. How is everything?”
“Ben’s okay, physically. A little nauseous still, but there shouldn’t be any long-term damage.”
“That’s fantastic.” Dylan had told her about the suicide attempt and the carbon monoxide poisoning.
“It’s a relief,” he agreed. “But I fucked up, Crystal. The fact that someone else saved his ass doesn’t change that.”
“Dylan … none of this is your fault.”
“I shouldn’t have left him so soon. Realizing for the first time that you’re sick – it’s like having a bomb dropped on you. I should’ve stuck around longer to make sure he adjusted okay. Obviously, he didn’t.”
She bit her lip, desperate to assure him that he was blameless, but unsure of how to convince him.
“I wanted to start over in Pittsburgh. I wanted to be with you. I’m a selfish ass.”
“No, you’re not. You’ve dropped everything to help your brother, not once, but twice. You’re more caring than ninety-nine percent of the people on the face of this planet.”
“No, I’m not.”
There was a long silence that slowly cracked Crystal’s heart, fraction by painful fraction.
“I’m trying to make up for what I did,” he finally continued. “Trying to help Ben get on the right track. He’s got new medication, but it’s too soon to tell how it’s going to work out. I think he needs more than just a pill – professional counseling probably wouldn’t hurt. And support from someone who knows what he’s going through – he definitely needs that.”
“He’s lucky to have you.”
“I’m trying to convince him to come to Pittsburgh with me. To stay there until we get things figured out for him, or maybe even for good. He hasn’t given me an answer yet though, and if he won’t come, I’ll have to stay in Newark.”
The hairline fracture in Crystal’s heart became a rift. She bit down on her lower lip and sat frozen on her living room couch. “Oh.”
“I’m sorry. You have a little bit of an idea what it can be like dealing with someone like me now, though. I wouldn’t blame you at all if you thought you were better off without me.”
“Well, I don’t.” Her fractured heart was still stubborn. Dylan had his demons, but that didn’t diminish her appreciation of his honesty, his passion or his generous spirit. “I’ve never enjoyed spending time with anyone as much as I enjoy spending it with you.”
“You have plenty to worry about without me adding any complications. Emily, your make-up career, and soon you’ll be an aunt, too. I don’t want to be a burden to you.” His voice was flat.
Her heart beat rapidly, and she could feel it fluttering in her throat. Was he breaking up with her?
“I know what I can handle, Dylan. And we’re taking things slow, aren’t we? We have our separate lives, but we have each other, too… You’ve brought light into my life I didn’t think I’d see for years, if ever.”
“Is that how you feel right now – like your life is full of light? Because I know this is shitty for you too. I keep showing up and fucking you and making promises I don’t keep, then leaving. Meanwhile, you worry about me, and even my brother. This isn’t how dating someone is supposed to go.”
The hollow note in his voice had intensified, leaving him sounding so empty, it hurt to hear. There was none of the emotion in his voice that should’ve filled what was, for Crystal at least, an emotionally-fraught conversation.
“Dylan…” She didn’t know what to say to make him feel better. “What will you do if you stay in Newark? Your job is here. And your new apartment.”
“They’ll take me back at my old studio, and I’ll tattoo there. I’ll have to see if I can beg my way out of the lease. I’ll be fucking Jed over, no question about it, but I have to put my brother first. It’s literally life or death, and I can’t turn my back on that.”
Her heart deflated. It sounded like he had it all figured out.
“Do you really not want to see me anymore?”
“I want it more than I have a right to, but I don’t deserve you.”
“You’re just upset. You have every right to be, after what happened with Ben. Will you do me a favor and not cut me off like this, over the phone? At least promise to call me when Ben gives you his answer.”
He agreed, and then the call was over. She couldn’t help but feel like she’d already lost him.
* * * * *
Days dragged by. Ben still hadn’t given Dylan an answer, and he hadn’t pushed him. Mostly because he’d been too exhausted to summon the energy to do so.
He missed Crystal, and that fed his guilt. What right did he have to miss her? He was cracked down to his core. It might not be his fault, but it was reality. Even if she thought she could handle that, he didn’t want her to have to.
The last phone conversation they’d had played over and over again in his head, and he felt like shit. He hated to disappoint her, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that in the long run, he’d be a bigger disappointment than she could imagine.
He had his own demons to manage, and now Ben’s. How could he do all that and still give Crystal what she deserved?
Maybe, like being bipolar, being alone was just the hand life had dealt him. It would be better to be miserable alone than to drag someone else down with him.
“Out of milk,” Ben said, shuffling into the kitchen and opening the fridge.
“Yeah, you’re out of eggs too.” Dylan sat at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee. It was nine in the morning. “Still having a hard time sleeping?”
Ben shrugged. “Last night wasn’t too bad. Weird dreams, though.”
“I’m calling Griff today. You need to know whether he wants you to continue working at the garage.”
Dylan needed to know, too. Maybe it’d be best if Ben refused to leave Newark. That way, Dylan wouldn’t have to fight the temptation to intrude on Crystal’s life.
“Okay.” Ben sounded less than enthused as he poured himself a cup of black coffee.
“Then we need to figure out what you want to do. I’ll have to go back to work eventually, whether it’s here or in Pittsburgh.”
“Don’t let me hold you back, man. I know you have bills to pay too.” A dark look crossed Ben’s face
– he was probably considering how he was going to pay his own bills.
Dylan shook his head. “Some things are more important.”
He stepped outside to call Griff. When that was done, he’d get an answer out of Ben.
* * * * *
Crystal discovered a voicemail waiting for her when she got out of work. Checking her call history, she saw that she’d missed one from Dylan.
Feeling like someone was crushing her heart in their fist, she drove to the daycare center to pick up Emily, then to her apartment. She wanted to be in the privacy of her own home when she listened to the message.
Mostly because if Dylan had dumped her over voicemail, she’d probably react in an embarrassing way.
Once inside, she fed Emily a snack, then set her up in her play yard with some of her favorite toys.
Her finger slipped when she dialed into her voicemail and she had to enter her password twice.
“Crystal, it’s Dylan. Call me when you get a chance.”
When she realized the short message was over, she couldn’t hold back a sigh of relief.
Still, her stomach was in knots as she called him.
“Hey,” he answered, and she returned the greeting.
“I got an answer out of Ben today.”
“What is it?” Her heart flip-flopped painfully in her chest.
“He’s coming to Pittsburgh with me. Not sure if it’ll be a permanent move or not – he has an open invitation to return to the garage where he’s been working once he gets his health in check.”
Crystal couldn’t hold back a shaky sigh. “When are you returning?”
“Ben’s past the year-long rental requirement on his apartment, so he’s terminating the lease. We’re going to get a U-Haul and pack up his stuff. Should be in Pittsburgh the day after tomorrow.”
“Will I see you then?” She could hear her heart beating as she waited.
“You don’t have to.”
“I want to.”
* * * * *
