by Sue Watson
Once we’re both in the car, I put the keys in the ignition and hear the sound no driver ever wants to hear, a sinister click.
‘Oh shit.’ I sigh. I had it serviced last week, so this doesn’t make sense – shouldn’t the garage have spotted this?
We both look at each other and Jas clicks her tongue, but there’s a smile on her face.
‘Looks like you’re drinking with me after all, babes!’
The sensible thing would be to call the breakdown people, but, as Jas points out, it’s freezing and it will mean us standing around for at least a couple of hours and this is our night out.
‘Let’s go now, get the drinks in. You can stay over at mine tonight and I can drive you in tomorrow. We can call the breakdown then and get them to fix it while we sit in a warm office.’
She seems hell-bent on me drinking with her, and staying over at hers, which she wanted me to do last Friday when we went out. I’m also trying really hard to push away Alex’s weird suggestion that she might have spiked my drinks then too. But I remind myself that I’ve known Jas for several years and she’s only ever been a good friend to me, so who is Alex to tell me to be careful of her? Christ knows what he’s up to. The truth is I’m feeling very unsure and starting to drive myself mad.
‘It’s safe here in the car park, it’s locked at night, and it’s probably only the alternator,’ Jas is saying.
‘Since when did you get to know words like alternator?’ I smile, warming slightly to the idea of a dimly lit bar and a few cold drinks.
‘That guy I went out with – Carl? Craig?’ She genuinely can’t remember, which makes me smile. ‘Anyway, he was a mechanic, he showed me how to do things in cars.’
‘I bet he did,’ I say as we start walking towards the high street.
We’re just walking onto the main road when a car whips past, splashing us both, which makes us squeal, and then laugh. Then the car pulls up, almost causing the car behind to hit it.
‘Look,’ Jas says loudly, ‘that’s Harry’s car, is he okay?’
We both run over and Harry pulls the window down.
‘Do you have whiplash?’ I ask.
‘No. That dickhead was right up my arse.’ He laughs. ‘Where are you two off to? I thought you were driving to the wine bar, Hannah?’
We explain the situation and within seconds Jas and I are sat in the back of Harry’s car as he drives us the short distance to The Orange Tree.
‘One of you could have sat in the front with me,’ he says. ‘I feel like a bloody taxi driver.’
Jas giggles. ‘That’s because you are.’
He drops us off outside, and we’re so grateful, we invite him to join us for a drink, but he says with a twinkle, ‘Gemma’s waiting at home with something hot.’
Jas sighs. ‘Stop bragging.’
He rolls his eyes. ‘Will you two crazies be okay getting home later?’
‘We’ll be quite safe, thank you,’ Jas says, ‘we’ll get a taxi to mine.’
‘Well, if you’re stuck, no problem picking you up.’
‘Ahh, that’s sweet of you, Harry,’ I say, ‘but we’ll be fine.’
‘Hey, and Hannah?’ he says, as I climb out of the car.
‘Yes?’
‘Don’t worry about Chloe Thomson, she’ll be fine.’
I’m touched at this. Harry always seems like such a lad on the surface, smirking, making fun of everything, but his concern moves me. Chloe may not be his client any more, but because he’s good at his job he still has a connection, and most importantly he still cares.
‘I hope she’ll be okay,’ I say, ‘but she’s in a bad way.’
‘Miracles can happen.’ He smiles, and I think how mature and caring he is for a guy in his twenties.
‘If I were ten years younger,’ I murmur to Jas as we walk into the bar.
‘He’s such a boy,’ she says, ‘you need a man.’
I smile. ‘I thought I had one. And talking of which, you know you said to Harry that we’d get a taxi back to yours later? Well, I still think I need to go to Alex’s.’
‘Oh don’t, Hannah. Honestly, you don’t want to go bowling in there and find him with her – imagine! Forget about all that, stay at mine. We can go to that new nightclub, have a dance and a laugh – go on it’ll be fun. You need to let your hair down, you’ve had so much shit recently. Don’t ruin a good night out for a man, he’s not worth it, babe,’ she says.
I think again of something Alex said about her not having my best interests at heart. I feel like she’s trying to push the evening in the way she wants it to go, not considering my feelings. ‘Let’s just enjoy the night,’ I say, ‘and whatever happens, happens.’
The Orange Tree is warm and festive, the walls are smothered in fairly lights, and a trendy twig tree sits in a corner, spiky and white, with fake snow and silver baubles. I feel a rush and think about the weekend and mine and Alex’s plans to do final Christmas shopping, then watch Christmas films. But I remember with a jolt that I may not be with Alex by the weekend.
Meanwhile, Jas orders four Porn Star Martinis – two each, they’re two for one, she’s in for a big night – and this terrible wave hits me. I’m lonely. I miss Alex. It’s like homesickness – something I lived with as a child. I’m being really bloody stupid not asking him outright about the phone call. I’ve been trying to spare myself the pain, hoping desperately that if I left it long enough, he’d say something about it, but he hasn’t, and I’ve realised the real pain is in not knowing.
‘I’m going to just call Alex,’ I say to Jas.
‘For God’s sake, Hannah, can’t we just have an evening together without him being all we talk about?’ Then she softens slightly. ‘I’m only thinking of you, love.’
‘Okay, I’ll call him later,’ I say, because she has a point, it’s not fair to make our girls’ night about him.
By 11.30, we’ve both drunk a lot of Porn Star Martinis and Jas is making eyes at the barman, which is making us both laugh, because after so many cocktails, everything is funny. Then, suddenly, in a blur of fairy lights and Porn Stars (the martinis!), my phone vibrates. It’s Alex.
‘Hey, are you having a good time?’ he asks when I answer.
‘Yeah… kind of. I just – I just… Alex,’ I start, moving slightly away from Jas, who’s now trying to look sober while talking to the barman. I can barely hear him with all the noise, and ‘I Wish it Could be Christmas Every Day’ has just started playing, very loudly. I cover my free ear, but it doesn’t help.
‘Sounds like you’re having a great time,’ he says.
‘Yeah, I needed cheering up,’ I say and tell him about Chloe.
‘Oh, darling, you’ve worked so hard to keep her safe.’
‘A hazard of the job sadly – you win some, you lose some.’ I sigh, trying to sound casual, but Chloe’s situation has been whirring through me tonight.
‘I’m so sorry. Don’t beat yourself up, you couldn’t have done any more.’
‘Thanks for saying that.’ There’s a silence, and I’m compelled to speak. ‘Alex… there’s something else worrying me.’
‘Okay, what is it?’
‘Did you… Did Helen come round to your house today?’
‘No.’
‘I heard you, on the phone yesterday. You were telling someone to come over after I left for work.’
‘Oh?’
‘You were saying they should come over at eight in the morning.’ My head is slightly fuzzy, but I’ve gone over this so many times in the past twenty-four hours, certain words and phrases are imprinted on my brain.
‘I’m not sure what you’re talking about?’ he says.
I tap Jas on the shoulder to say I’m moving to the doorway, to get away from the music and the chatter. She nods, and goes back to flirting with the barman. I end up having to go outside because of all the noise and I’m now standing in the cold and rain, and I’m freezing, but at least I can hear Alex.
‘Yesterday,
I heard you,’ I repeat anxiously. ‘You were telling someone what time I’d be leaving for work, and inviting them over… you said’ – I feel tearful now – ‘you said, the coast would be clear.’
‘Oh… oh that.’ I hear him laugh slightly. Then silence on the other end of the phone. All I can hear is lashing rain and the faint echoes of ‘I Wish it Could be Christmas’ thumping from inside. I’m trying to shelter in the doorway, and someone suddenly whips open the door almost knocking me over. I turn to see a young guy in his twenties, staggering out, followed by a more sober friend.
‘Hello, gorgeous,’ the drunk one says and almost falls into me.
The sober one rolls his eyes and pulls him away. ‘Sorry, love.’
‘It’s okay.’ I smile.
‘Who’s that?’ Alex’s voice is tense on the phone.
‘No one, it’s no one.’
‘You’re beautiful!’ the drunk guy says, and his friend smiles at me.
‘Ignore him, he always gets like this after a Babycham.’
‘I drink pints, me,’ he’s saying in mock bravado, banging his fists on his chest.
I can’t help but smile, I deal with teenagers every day, and these guys aren’t much older.
‘Shall we walk you home? Shall we walk her home?’ he says to his friend.
‘I’m good thanks.’ I smile. ‘Night night.’
‘Yeah, she’s fine, Josh, you need to walk yourself home.’ His friend laughs. ‘Night, love.’
‘Christmas kiss?’ the one called Josh is saying as they walk past me to set off home, but his friend is dragging him away, laughing. I turn away from them and shelter more in the doorway, and all of a sudden, there’s frantic movement, and it looks like the boys are fighting each other. It all happens so quickly and before I can see what’s happening, the drunk guy slumps to the floor, making the noise of a wounded animal.
‘What the f—?’ the more sober guy says.
I scream, and someone grabs me, holding me too tight. ‘Get off!’ I’m yelling and kicking, my face is now in his chest, and it’s then I recognise the warm, smoky scent on his jumper. It’s Alex.
‘Darling, it’s okay – it’s okay. It’s me!’ He’s shouting into my face, his hands holding my upper arms too tightly.
‘What… what happened?’ I’m confused, in shock.
‘Mate, what have you done?’ The sober guy is on the floor, trying to wake up the other one who’s flat out.
‘He was about to assault you, there were two of them,’ Alex is saying.
And then I realise – Alex was the one who hit him.
I look down. The lights from the pub are shining into the rain and lighting up the scene. The guy’s lying on the floor, and mixing with the rain rippling along the ground, and into the gutter, something red is ribboning its way through. Blood.
Chapter Thirty-Three
‘Is he… is he okay?’ I’m shaking, probably from shock.
‘He’s fine, I only pushed him,’ Alex says.
‘You punched him, in the head!’ the other guy’s screaming.
‘Alex, what the hell!’ I’m now yelling, hysterical.
‘But… he was assaulting you…’
I slam Alex out of the way with both hands and bend down to see if I can do anything. Close up, it doesn’t look good, and his friend’s in tears, shouting, ‘Get an ambulance, somebody get an ambulance.’
‘He looks… he looks…’ I’m about to say dead, but I can’t get the word out.
‘Let’s get out of here,’ Alex is urging, pulling me by the hand.
‘No, we can’t leave him, we have to get help.’
‘No, Hannah! He’s okay, he’s breathing, he’s just knocked out, that’s all.’
‘NO, Alex.’
The boy – Josh – is stirring and groaning now, to my great relief.
‘Look, he’s coming round.’ Alex is trying to pull me away.
A couple emerge from the wine bar and ask what’s going on.
‘Shit,’ I hear Alex mutter at my side, as the friend tells them his mate’s been thumped. The woman gets out her phone to call for help.
‘It was him there,’ the guy yells, pointing at Alex, who has his head down and is trying to drag me away with some force.
‘Alex, NO!’ I yell again.
More people arrive and sit Josh up, propping him with their coats. He’s still groaning, now holding his head – and all I can think is thank God he isn’t dead.
‘I can’t be here, I CAN’T!’ Alex is saying as he pulls me off the pavement and out into the road. I’m now in tears. I have no idea where we’re going, or why he’s here. Then suddenly, I see his car parked across the road and he’s pulling me towards it, cars beeping as he drags us blindly into the oncoming traffic. He opens the passenger door, and almost pushes me in, then runs around to the driver’s side. Within seconds, he’s started the car and we’re driving too fast down the road.
‘Alex, we can’t just drive off.’ I’m still slightly drunk, and can’t get my head round what just happened.
‘We have to.’
‘Alex, what the hell is going on? Why did you do that? Why were you even there?’
‘Hannah, stop! I need to think,’ he snaps. I’ve never seen him like this, he’s scared, petrified. Angry.
I glance back up the street and a crowd has now gathered around the poor guy lying on the pavement.
‘Alex, what’s wrong with you? You might have killed him!’ I say through tears.
He doesn’t answer me, but I’m looking at him in the flickering light of traffic and street lamps and see his jaw tense. We keep on driving until the pub has disappeared from his rear mirror and there’s finally no yelling, no screaming, and no ‘MERRY CHRISTMAAAAAS,’ thumping in my head.
When we pull up outside Alex’s house, I’m shaking. Alex turns off the engine, and we sit in the dark silence of the car for a long time.
Eventually I say something. ‘Why, Alex? WHY?’
He just stares ahead for a while and finally turns to me. ‘I told you. I thought he was hurting you.’
‘He wasn’t, they were going home. They were laughing, so was I. You must have seen that.’
He puts his head in his hands. ‘I don’t know what I saw. I sat there, waiting for you in the cold, wondering if you’d ever leave that bar…’
‘What the hell were you doing there? We hadn’t arranged for you to come for me. I told you I didn’t need you to pick me up, I was fine. I thought we’d talked about this?’
‘I know, I know. But I checked my phone and Helen was in the area – and I started to worry. Then I worried that Jas might put something in your drink like before for a laugh, and I… I’m so sorry, I just panicked, and jumped in the car.’
‘You were following me,’ I say, staring straight ahead, unable to even look at him. I remember what Jas said about him using Helen as an excuse to turn up unannounced everywhere – I think she might be right. I can feel an anger bubbling in my head.
‘I totally overreacted,’ he’s saying, ‘but I’m worried Helen might do something, and the way Jas can’t stop calling you and obsessing – and then those guys.’
That reminds me, I left Jas in the bar. I’m such a crap friend! I immediately text her to ask if she’s okay and tell her I’ve gone home, that I had a terrible headache and had jumped in a waiting cab, but would see her tomorrow.
‘Who are you texting?’
‘Jas,’ I say. ‘Once more it seems you’ve whisked me away from an evening out – only this time Alex you went too far,’ I hiss.
‘I was protecting you, Hannah.’
‘I don’t want that kind of protection, Alex. I didn’t even know you were there. I mean, what the hell? And leave Jas out of this. You’re being ridiculous and paranoid about bloody spiked drinks and weirdo ex-wives – I’m beginning to wonder if it isn’t Helen but you who’s the bloody weirdo, following me everywhere, and checking up on me!’
My phone buzzes, it�
�s Jas saying she’s chatting to the barman, he’s cute and she’s fine and will see me tomorrow. ‘Thank goodness Jas isn’t pissed off with me, she’d be quite justified if she was,’ I snap, texting her back, telling her to let me know when she’s home so I don’t worry.
‘Hannah, I’m so sorry.’ He’s trying to grab my hand.
‘Don’t touch me,’ I yell.
‘I’m an idiot, I’ve ruined everything.’
‘Yes, you have, and you ran away from what you’d done back there like a coward, with no thought for that guy, just yourself.’
‘I did. But you and I couldn’t be found there if the police came. I’m a solicitor, you’re a social worker – imagine.’
‘That’s hardly the point. Besides – I didn’t do anything.’
‘No, but you’d be a witness, or… seen as an accomplice.’
‘We both know that isn’t the case. But what if… what if he’s seriously injured? Does that mean anything to you?’ I’m finding it hard to reconcile this cold, selfish guy with the one I thought I loved.
‘Of course it means something to me – shit, I don’t know if I could go on if…’
I have every intention of phoning the police myself tomorrow, but I don’t tell him this because he’s already upset.
‘I’m just so… I’m so wrapped up in you, I can’t do anything,’ he’s saying. ‘I can’t bear not knowing where you are, if you’re okay. I just want to look after you.’
‘But it’s not healthy, Alex. You don’t need to be with me 24/7. Why do you have to be like this? It spoils you, it spoils everything.’
