by Ella Harper
‘Let’s get you dressed, Mum.’
Layla checked her watch. She had a client due in two hours, but that was fine. Enough time to get some lunch sorted and get her mum settled with a film, if she was lucky. She dressed her and made sure there wasn’t any other mess in the bedroom (there had been a few horrible moments of squishing something terrible underfoot now and again, so Layla was extra vigilant these days).
She organised some lunch and as they ate together, Evelyn became rather chatty.
‘What shall we do tomorrow?’ she asked, as if she and Layla often went out together and had a high time.
Layla sighed. Sometimes, in answer to these questions, she would simply snap that they would do the same as they did every day; get through it without too many toilet incidents and without her mum interrupting her client sessions. Her mum would react with either hurt or indifference – but it would be forgotten in minutes, it seemed, so it hardly mattered really.
Sometimes, Layla played along and outlined a lovely day she would enjoy spending with her mum if things were different. Occasionally it bit her on the bum if her mum remembered what she’d said and threw it back in her face, but those moments were few and far between. Layla decided to play nicely today.
‘Well. I thought we would go out for a walk in the park in the morning. It’s supposed to be sunny, so I thought we could take a picnic with us and put the blanket out. Maybe have a glass of something naughty.’
‘Ooh!’ Evelyn looked delighted. ‘And in the afternoon?’
‘In the afternoon, I thought we’d go and get our nails done. Maybe have a facial. How does that sound?’
‘Lovely!’ Evelyn exclaimed. ‘I’ll look forward to that. Tomorrow, you say?’
Layla instantly felt guilty. What if she remembered tomorrow and they didn’t do it? She wished she’d been honest now. Her phone rang. It was Jonas. Layla frowned. Jonas had been phoning her quite a bit recently and she had been holding him at arm’s length. She wasn’t sure she wanted to see him or speak to him now that she knew what he was doing to Connie. And as for getting fired and the arrogant way he was acting about Connie going back to work…
Layla answered her phone, hoping to get rid of Jonas quickly. No such luck.
‘Do you have a minute?’ Jonas asked. ‘I’m outside.’
‘Outside where?’
‘Outside your house,’ he told her impatiently. ‘Can I come in?’
Layla put her hand over the phone and thought for a minute. She couldn’t very well turn him away, but seeing Jonas was the last thing she needed.
‘I have a client coming soon,’ she lied. ‘But you can come up for a cuppa. I’ll buzz the door open for you.’ She put the phone down and cursed inwardly, realising she’d forgotten to mention the stairgate.
‘Who’s that?’ Evelyn asked, starting to clear the plates away.
Layla went to stop her, then resisted. Sometimes she got it right. Sometimes, the plates ended up in the washing machine.
‘It’s Jonas. He’s coming up for a cup of tea.’
‘Jonas.’ Evelyn pulled a face. ‘Connie’s Jonas.’
‘Connie’s Jonas, yes.’
‘The one who isn’t JJ,’ Evelyn said slyly, as she carefully put the dirty plates back in the cupboard. Putting her teacup in the bin, she wiped her hands on her clean trousers. ‘Shall I go and watch a film?’
Layla bit her lip. ‘Yes, Mum. Let me know if you can’t get the TV to work.’
‘I can work the TV, Layla. I’m not a child.’ Evelyn huffed and left the room.
Layla huffed and left the room.
‘What’s this doing here?’ Jonas asked, opening the stairgate. ‘Your mum isn’t that bad, is she?’
‘Er, yes. She is.’ Layla glanced over her shoulder, but her mum was safely in her bedroom. ‘Come into the kitchen; I need to get all the dirty dishes out of the cupboard.’
Jonas looked nonplussed, but he followed her into the kitchen.
‘There’s a teacup in the bin as well,’ Layla said as she put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher and gave the cupboard a wipe. ‘Would you mind fishing it out for me?’
‘OK…’ Jonas took the teacup out and handed it to Layla. ‘I had no idea you were dealing with this, Layla. Sorry.’
Layla glanced at Jonas. He seemed sincere. ‘I have kind of said I’m struggling a bit,’ she said. ‘Maybe not to you, actually.’
‘Are you avoiding me?’
Layla was taken aback at the direct question. ‘Erm… not exactly. Well, maybe a little if I’m honest. But I have an awful lot on at the moment and I’m…’
‘Connie told you what’s been happening.’ Jonas’s tone was flat, but his jaw was tight.
Layla nodded. She couldn’t work out if Jonas felt ashamed at this or if he was angry.
‘You must hate me,’ Jonas said. He searched her face for an answer.
‘Of course I don’t hate you,’ Layla said honestly. ‘But if you want me to condone what you’re doing, that won’t be happening. Not from a therapist’s point of view and certainly not from the point of view of being friends with you both.’
Jonas’s shoulders slumped. ‘Fair enough. Connie’s told you about my job?’
‘Getting fired? Yes.’
‘And about me being the one staying at home now?’
Layla gestured for Jonas to sit down. ‘Yes.’
‘Tell me what you think,’ Jonas said. ‘I really want to know. As a friend. Hell, as a therapist, if you like.’
Layla regarded him. When people asked for her opinion – her real, honest opinion – they sometimes didn’t like what they heard. And Layla wasn’t sure Jonas was ready to hear what she had to say. But he had asked and he was a friend and she thought he needed to hear a few home truths.
‘All right, then. I think you are being incredibly selfish,’ she said in as gentle a tone as she could muster. ‘I think you have lost control of yourself over the past few years and I think you have taken out your work stress on Connie. I think you have a horrible shit of a boss from what I’ve heard – maybe you’re projecting your anger towards him onto her? Only you know the answer to that.’
Jonas sat, spellbound.
‘I think you have forgotten what an amazing woman she is. What an amazing mum. I think you are treating her like dirt, when she is the thing you should cherish most in the world.’
Layla was beginning to feel emotional. And angry. If she had a relationship like Jonas had and a person like Connie in her life (albeit the male equivalent), there was no way she would disrespect them this way. But she pulled herself back. This wasn’t her situation and it didn’t matter what she would or wouldn’t do. She had to think of Jonas as a client rather than a friend – had to detach.
‘I think your resentment towards her over not working is misplaced,’ Layla continued calmly. ‘I think you are devastated that you can’t go back to the legal industry. I think being fired for you has been the single most horrendous thing that has happened to you, because that job gave you a sense of pride. You’re pretending you feel great about it and that you welcome it because you’re searching for justification for a shocking thing that has pulled the rug out from under you. And because you just want a further reason to resent Connie when she actually gave up a career she enjoyed to be a good mum to the girls and a good wife to you.’
Jonas gaped. ‘Bloody hell, Layla.’
‘Sorry,’ she said. ‘You did ask.’
Jonas nodded slowly. ‘I did. And thank God I did. So much of that is spot on.’ He wrung his hands. ‘I’ve been such a prick, Layla. I really have. I’ve just been feeling so angry and put upon for the past few years.’
‘I hear that. But it’s not Connie who made you feel that way. It’s work, or your boss. Maybe the financial responsibilities – again, only you would know that.’
‘My boss,’ Jonas confessed. He slumped down in his chair. ‘I figured this out the other day, actually. And I feel so stupid. Of course it w
asn’t Connie’s fault that I was that stressed out. I didn’t want her to work. I wanted her to be at home with the kids. Writing her blog. It has still paid for a few holidays here and there,’ he admitted. ‘I’ve always played that down and made out that I pay for everything, but Connie does graft and she’s helped out with quite a few things.’
‘Well, it’s great to hear you saying that.’
Jonas nodded. ‘And actually, it’s pretty tough, Lay. Being at home with the kids and all that. They’re not babies. I’m not changing nappies or anything like that. Sterilising bottles and what have you. I’m just making dinner… badly. Washing – the wrong things together, mostly.’ He pulled a face. ‘Ordering stupid stuff in the shopping. It’s not that any of the stuff Connie used to take care of is beyond my capabilities, but it can be tough doing it all at the right times and keeping everything running smoothly.’
‘Especially when kids are involved,’ Layla agreed. ‘Even when they’re older ones.’
‘God, yes. They chop and change their minds all the time and they hate my cooking. Connie is a really, really good cook.’ Jonas met Layla’s eyes. ‘I think I ended up taking it for granted, you know? She just put these amazing dinners on the table and made it look easy, so I assumed it was.’
‘A common mistake,’ Layla commented. She was impressed that Jonas had reached some of these conclusions himself, but it didn’t mean he was out of the woods yet. ‘You need help for your anger issues, in my opinion,’ she told him. ‘Not from me, as I can’t be your therapist. But if you want help, I can recommend someone.’
Jonas looked uneasy. ‘I don’t know about that. Not yet. I will do something, I’m sure. For now, I’m just pleased to have worked some of this out.’
‘It’s not OK to hit your wife,’ Layla stated firmly. ‘You have to know this, Jonas. It’s not acceptable and it’s not enough to say sorry. You have to address the root of the problem. And your anger is the root of the problem. Your issues with your boss who clearly belittled you, put pressure on you and made you feel out of control.’
Jonas rubbed his forehead. ‘I guess so.’
Layla sensed that Jonas was suffering from something her clients did on and off. He had mental overload – he was dealing with too many things at once and he felt overwhelmed.
‘Does Connie have a job yet?’ Layla asked. The last time she spoke to Connie, she was sending out her CV by the truckload, but nothing had turned up.
‘Not yet.’ Jonas looked defensive.
‘And are you still sticking to that?’ Layla asked.
‘Yes. I suppose you disagree?’
Layla cocked an ear. Her mum was on the walkabout. Her ear was so well tuned these days, she could hear every soft step outside of the bedroom. She turned her attention back to Jonas for a second.
‘I don’t necessarily disagree with it, actually. I think you need a break and I think Connie might feel empowered from taking on more responsibility.’
‘Right.’ Jonas smiled and looked pleased.
‘What I don’t agree with is how you went about it,’ Layla finished. ‘I think you have bullied her into this situation, when you should have sat down as a couple and worked this out together. I think this should have been a mutual decision, not something you dictated to her without her having a say in it.’
Jonas looked crestfallen. ‘Right. I did sell some shares to give her… us a window of time to sort everything out.’
‘I know you did. And that’s great. Because Connie must feel pretty overwhelmed herself at having to take on all that responsibility out of the blue. I’m sure she’ll be fine, but it must be a shock.’ Layla felt as though she had been too hard on Jonas. ‘But hey, hindsight is an amazing thing, right?’
‘Yes.’ Jonas looked rueful. ‘I mean, even Bella and Hannah are difficult in their own ways. Different things for each of them for school. Totally different tastes in food and preferences over everything. It takes a long time to keep the house clean and tidy. There’s quite a bit to do.’
Layla wanted to say something sarcastic, but she refrained and reminded herself to think of Jonas as a client. He had treated Connie appallingly, but Layla felt that she had said enough. At least Jonas was having some revelations about himself and about what he had done. Layla wasn’t entirely sure it might not be too late for Connie, but she might be wrong about that.
Evelyn suddenly appeared in the doorway. ‘Hello, Jonas.’
Jonas looked up. ‘Hello, Evelyn. How are you feeling?’
Evelyn smiled benignly. ‘I’m very well, thank you.’
Layla eyed her with some suspicion. Sometimes when her mum seemed normal, she came out with something outlandish and shocking. Was she going to start going on about JJ in front of Jonas? Bloody hell. Layla started to feel nervous.
‘And how is Connie?’ Evelyn asked politely.
‘She’s… OK,’ Jonas said. He got to his feet. ‘I should leave you ladies to it. I have shopping to do.’
‘OK.’ Layla checked her watch. She still needed to get her mum settled again before her client arrived.
‘Are you Bella’s father?’ Evelyn piped up.
Jonas looked puzzled. ‘Yes. Yes, I am.’
‘But are you, though?’
‘Yes.’ Jonas stared at Evelyn. Then turned to Layla.
‘You know he is, Mum,’ Layla said soothingly. ‘There’s Bella and there’s Hannah.’
‘I know.’ Evelyn nodded. ‘I’m asking about Bella.’
Jonas looked uneasy for a moment.
‘Never mind,’ Evelyn said, waving a hand.
Jonas shrugged and made for the door. ‘OK, well, it was lovely to see you again, Evelyn. And thanks, Layla. I appreciate you talking to me like this.’
‘Anytime,’ she replied, meaning it. She had actually enjoyed her chat with Jonas. He wasn’t her favourite person at the moment, but he was still her friend.
‘I’ll show myself out,’ Jonas called over his shoulder.
‘Right. I have a client coming soon,’ Layla said briskly. ‘I need to get ready. Let’s get you back to your room, shall we?’
Evelyn hugged her suddenly. ‘Thank you,’ she said in a quiet voice. ‘For everything you’re doing for me.’
Layla squeezed her, tears coming to her eyes. ‘That’s OK, Mum. You’ve done so much for me over the years. I’m just returning the favour.’
It was the first time her mum had ever thanked her for looking after her and it meant a lot.
Evelyn nodded and released her. Then stared at Layla as if she didn’t recognise her. ‘Am I at home?’
Layla felt her stomach plummet again. ‘Yes, Mum. You’re at home.’
‘Mum?’ Evelyn turned to her in confusion. ‘Am I your mum?’
‘Yes. You’re my mum.’ Layla felt her lip trembling again. God, this was hideous.
‘OK.’ Evelyn stroked her trousers. ‘I think I need a wee.’
Layla swallowed. ‘OK, Mum. Let’s get you to the toilet.’ She felt as though her heart was breaking.
As Evelyn left the room, Layla noticed a puddle on the floor. A puddle of wee. Layla leant against the door frame. She couldn’t cope with this, she really couldn’t cope with this. And the thing was, Layla knew the signs. She had seen enough clients with these issues over the years to recognise desperation. And a breakdown happening within herself. So where was all her good advice? What would she say to one of her clients? How would she pull them out of this and prevent them from spiralling?
Layla knew what words she would say. She knew what she was supposed to be doing to stay strong and to stop a breakdown from taking place. The trouble was that right now, even with all her study and experience, she felt powerless to stop it.
JJ
JJ stopped his run and checked his phone. Jonas was calling again. Since Jonas had become the so-called ‘house husband’, he had also become rather needy. He had been calling JJ non-stop, but JJ didn’t want to speak to Jonas right now. He felt bad for ignoring
him, but JJ needed some space from him. Mostly because of the way he was acting about losing his job and expecting Connie to just step up and take all of the financial responsibility on. Not some of it – all of it.
Not only that, but JJ was certain something else was going on between Jonas and Connie. Layla had hinted at it, Jonas had avoided any mention of it. And there had definitely been a change in Connie’s behaviour.
JJ did a few stretches. In fact, the more he thought about it, the more he thought that Connie’s behaviour had changed over the past few years. There was less of a spring in her step. Not as many smiles as before. She seemed… diminished, somehow. Why hadn’t he noticed that before? Because, JJ thought to himself wryly, he had been far too busy avoiding Connie, avoiding his true feelings and pretending he was happy sleeping around and not making a real connection with anyone.
JJ started running again. How could he have been so stupid? He had split up with Connie all those years ago, over what? Feeling scared, that was what. Allowing someone to get so close to him, he had almost spilt out all his demons and revealed the person he really was. With all his flaws and darkness and his hang-ups. And JJ had been petrified that Connie wouldn’t love him anymore. That she would hate the person he really was, wouldn’t be able to live with the life he had led before he met her. With what had happened to him.
JJ stopped and bent over, catching his breath. He had hardly been able to live with it himself; how on earth could he expect someone else to? It hadn’t been fair to Connie to dump that on her and expect her to still love and accept him. So JJ had done what he had thought was best – he had withdrawn and given Connie a chance at a better life, with a better man. He had removed himself from her life and kept his distance from her – and then from every other woman he had met.
What had happened to change things recently? JJ stood up and shook his legs out. Starting a brisk walk to cool down, throwing in a few stretches as he left the park, he remembered the night of the dinner party. When he and Connie had shared a few cigarettes and words. He had held her hand. And at that moment, not that he had realised it, something had changed. Something had shifted. JJ had felt himself open up again and remember what it felt like to feel. To feel that connection again. To feel love again – or at least, the re-awakening of it. He hadn’t acknowledged it at the time because firstly, he wasn’t overly sure he had recognised it, so numb was he inside and secondly… how could he? Connie was married to Jonas, who had always been one of JJ’s best friends – in longevity, if not in terms of shared interests and personality sparks.
