He hated me. I hated him but he hated me first. He resented me. That’s what Annie says. She says he didn’t hate me he resented me but I looked up the word resent and it basically means that he hated me. I knew what resent meant already by the way. I’m not stupid, I just like to check. I have a dictionary, Annie got it for me, and I like to check what words mean cos sometimes they mean something different from what you think they mean, not a lot always but enough to change what you’re saying when you don’t want it to. Do you know what I mean?
I’m glad cos not everyone does. Some people use words without even caring what they really mean. They just say em and think about what they’re saying after they’ve finished saying it.
My dad was good at words. He’s dead now. He drowned. I was ten. But he used to have these books, they were full of puzzles: crosswords and wordsearches and what are those ones where the letters are all mixed up and you have to put em back in the right order? Like on Countdown, at the end, the ones I can never get.
Right. Anagrams. So my dad would sit there every night with one of them books and sometimes he’d let me sit with him, if I was quiet and I didn’t wriggle, and I’d help him or I’d try to. I could do the wordsearches, I was good at em, but I don’t like crosswords, I never liked crosswords. Sam could do crosswords. Sometimes if Dad got stuck he would ask Sam and Sam would say it’s this or it’s that or sometimes he would just shrug but most of the time he would know. Sam went to university in the end. Dad said he would and he did. He shouldn’t of though, that’s what Annie says. He should of stayed with me, that’s what Annie says. Annie says that if Sam had stayed it would of been better for everyone: me, she says, Sam, she says, her, she says, them kids. But I’d rather have Annie than him. I’d of run away if they’d of made me live with him.
Annie? Annie’s like my mum. She’s not my mum but she looks out for me. Ever since they moved me here, Annie stops by and checks up on me. They give her the bus fare, that’s what Annie says. For stopping by. Sometimes she comes to the supermarket too. That’s where I work. If Annie comes I get an extra break but she doesn’t come all that often.
Do you wanna know how my real mum died?
It’s okay, I don’t mind saying. My brother killed her. Not Sam. My other brother. But he’s dead too, he died at the same time. He didn’t mean to kill her but he did. He killed her with complications. I was eight.
Do you wanna know what Sam did when she died? He burnt her clothes. Her dresses and her trousers and her jumpers and her skirts. He took em out of her wardrobe and he made a big pile in the garden and he burnt em. My dad and me, we found him. My dad did really but when he started shouting I found the both of em too. When I found em, though, my dad had stopped shouting and he was hugging Sam instead. Sam was crying. I could see he was crying but he was hitting too. He was hitting my dad, on his back and on his arms, but my dad was just hugging him. I watched. The fire went out after a while and Sam stopped hitting but he didn’t stop crying. Him and my dad, they just stood there. There was smoke. There was lots of smoke.
After Dad died, we got taken away. They took us from our house and I thought we were coming back but when we left that was it. I had this necklace, it was my mum’s, I left it there and they said they’d fetch it but they never did. I cried about that necklace. I cried about that necklace almost as much as I cried about my mum, which is a silly thing to do, I think, that’s what Annie would say if I ever told her. Now when I cry I cry about Mum or about Dad, not about the necklace. I don’t cry as much as I used to though. I have Annie and she’s like a mum. I have necklaces too, other necklaces, although not one of em is as pretty as my mum’s was.
Sam and me, we were in the same place but we slept in different rooms. He slept with the boys and I slept with the girls. So we were in the same place but it didn’t feel like we were. We didn’t talk to each other hardly ever. I don’t reckon Sam talked to anyone hardly at all, not if he could help it. That’s what got him in trouble. That’s why they moved us. It was Sam they wanted to move, for his sake, they said, but cos he was my brother they moved us both. I didn’t want to go. I told em, move Sam, don’t move me. Just cos he’s my brother. Just cos he can’t stand up for himself. But they moved us both.
It was the same at the next place. It was the same at every place. Sam sat and Sam read and Sam always got into trouble. He ruined it. He ruined things. I made friends but cos of Sam we were always leaving. I told him once, I said, why do you keep wrecking things, why can’t you be normal, and he called me simple, he said I was retarded, he said I was the one who wasn’t normal. I hit him and he hit me back. He hit me harder. He had a temper. Most of the time he didn’t show it but he showed it in front of me. They gave us these dolls at one place. They were rubber and you could bend em and twist em and try to snap em but you couldn’t break em. They told us, use em when you’re angry, use em when you’re stressed. But Sam didn’t use his. Sam used me.
Do you wanna know what he did once? He cracked my head against a wall, against a corner. This was in the third place we were at. We were in my room, I can’t remember why but I remember we were arguing. He’s calling me simple again, saying he can’t understand why I like it here, in this place. I say to him, what’s wrong with here, at least it’s somewhere, at least it’s where we are, not some place where we’re going. And he says, what are you talking about, stop talking nonsense, you shouldn’t talk at all if all you can talk is nonsense. I say, it’s not nonsense, it’s sense. I say, I just like being where I am and I don’t like moving and I wish just for once he wouldn’t ruin things. Cos he was already having trouble and we were already thinking we’d be moved again, which now I come to think of it is the reason we were arguing in my room. And I was only talking, that’s all I was doing, but Sam, he decides to hit me. So course I hit him back and then he hits me again and then we’re fighting and grabbing each other and falling over and wrestling like they do on TV and the next thing I know I don’t know nothing. When I wake up I’m on a bed and one of the wardens is looking down on me. He’s putting something on my head and it hurts. Also, I know then that we’re definitely gonna be leaving again and that hurts almost as much.
It left a scar. I needed stitches so it left a scar. You can see it if I move my hair. Here. No, wait, it’s this side. Here. See? Sam did that.
When he went away I was glad. He was sixteen and he wanted to go to college and they said they’d pay but he’d have to move again, to another place, where there wouldn’t be space for me. That suited him and it suited me. He said goodbye but only by accident, only cos he ran into me on his way out the door. I say to him, you going somewhere, and he says, yes. I say, see you then, and he says, see you. That was it. Summers he came back but two years later he was leaving again, this time to university. I didn’t care. I did better without him there.
When I turned eighteen they moved me to another place. It was like all the other places really cept they gave me my own room. There was a lock on the door and I had the key. At first I didn’t like it there, I couldn’t sleep being on my own. But I got used to it. I stayed there a while and then they moved me here cos it’s closer to the Tesco where I work. Now I only have to get one bus and in the mornings I can usually get a seat. And I have Annie.
I don’t know. I suppose about six weeks ago. He visited, just as though visiting’s what he always did. He’s at the door and he says, hello Nancy, and I say, it’s you. I say, what do you want? He says, nothing, I don’t want anything, I just wanted to say hello, and he’s smiling and I’ve never liked his smile. I let him in though. He follows me in here and he sits where you’re sat. We’re quiet for a while and then he says, do you have any tea, and I say, no. He says, oh. He says, never mind, I’m not actually thirsty. He says, how have you been? I shrug. He says, this is a nice place. I shrug. I nod. He says, do you have any help? I shrug. I say, I have Annie. He says, Annie is it, that’s good, is she nice? I shrug. I nod.
What do you want? I say.
Why? I say.
Why? Why do you think? Because you’re my sister.
No I ain’t, I say. And I’m thinking of Annie and how she’s like my mum even though she’s a different colour from me and how Sam and me are the same colour and the same blood and the same second name but the truth of it is we’re barely brother and sister at all.
Of course you are, says Sam. What do you mean?
You left, I tell him. You left and you didn’t call and you acted like I didn’t exist.
You could have called. They would have told you where I was.
You left, I say. You’re the one who left.
And he just shakes his head. He sits there and he shakes his head. Then he says, you’re okay though. Right? You’re okay. And I nod and he says, good. Good.
After that he’s quiet for a bit. I’m quiet too. I’m just watching him. He’s looking at his hands. He says, Nancy, and I say, what? He looks at me. I wanted to say something, he says.
I wait.
I wanted to say something, he says again, about before. About when we were younger.
I wait some more.
About the way I acted sometimes. About how you and me, the way we used to fight . . .
What? I say and he looks at me. He looks at me and then he’s looking back down at his hands.
What? I say again cos I’m getting annoyed. He used to do this. He always used to do this. Start saying something and get you interested and then stop before he’s said what he was gonna.
Never mind, he says. It doesn’t matter. Maybe it doesn’t actually matter. Not any more.
And I’m thinking, fine. Whatever. Cos I’ve fallen for it before and gotten all irritated with him but not this time. That’s what I tell myself.
I don’t know. It can’t of been important though, can it, or otherwise he would have said it. But he didn’t. Whatever it was he didn’t say it and he didn’t really say much else.
He left soon after. I did have tea and I could of made him some but he wouldn’t of stayed long enough to finish it even if I had of done.
Oh my gosh. Do you want some tea? I should of offered you, shouldn’t I? You’d of finished it by now if I had offered you right away so we could pretend I was offering you another cup. Do you want another cup of tea?
Are you sure? It’s no bother. I don’t need no help or nothing.
Next time then. I’ll make you tea next time. Cross my heart.
So Sam gets up and I get up. He says, maybe I should go, I think it’s best that I go. I don’t argue. I watch him. I stand apart from him. He walks over to the door and I watch him some more and I follow him. He says, well, goodbye then. He has his hand on the latch. I cross my arms. He says bye again and he opens the door and he leaves. I shut the door behind him and that’s the last time I see him till I see his picture on TV.
Lucia parked in a different space. She did not have to; her usual spot was empty. But she parked nearer the entrance, in the only section of the car park that was not covered by the building. She parked and she got out and she made it as far as the stairwell before she turned around and unlocked the car and restarted the engine. She reversed and straightened up and then pressed the accelerator too hard so that as she shot forwards the tyres slipped on the tarmac and yelped. There was no one around but Lucia flushed, feeling foolish, and eased off so much that the car almost stalled. She passed the line of police units and then swung the Volkswagen out wide. With her left arm wrapped around the passenger seat, she backed into the space the entire station thought of as hers.
Fuck it, she told herself. Fuck him.
The stairwell was dark and Lucia hesitated. But only for a moment. She climbed the stairs and she climbed slowly, daring her fears to manifest themselves and God help them if they did. In the lobby she swiped in and nodded at the blokes on the desk. They nodded back. Ahead of her were the double doors that opened into the part of the station that only policemen and prisoners and kids on school visits ever saw. She tapped a code into the keypad below the handle and pulled when the buzzer buzzed. She passed through. There was only one lift in the station. Today it was working and it was waiting for Lucia so she took it.
She was the first of the day shift to arrive. She had planned it that way without admitting to herself that she had. But as she passed Walter’s desk, she saw there was a mug next to the keyboard, a coat on the back of the chair. She paused, glanced around, until she realised the mug was one the cleaner had missed, the coat part of the department’s soft furnishings. She walked on, wary in spite of herself. She poured herself coffee from the pot left over by the night shift. At her desk she clutched her mug in both palms. She sipped. The coffee was burnt but she was not drinking it for the taste. She took another sip and waited for the day to descend.
Cole arrived next, then Charlie, then Rob. Cole said a gruff good morning; Charlie and Rob just nodded at Lucia when they noticed her. At one minute to nine Walter arrived reading the back page of the Mirror. He held up a palm without looking at anyone, set the polystyrene cup he had been holding on his desk, tucked his newspaper under his arm and disappeared into the men’s room. Harry was late. He said, sorry I’m late, and was still panting and wiping at his forehead several minutes after he had taken his seat. When he saw Lucia he said, hey Lucia, and she said, hey Harry, how’s it going? Harry said, what happened to you yesterday, and Lucia said, stomach bug. Then the phones began to ring and the board began to fill up and, for all the possibilities that Lucia had imagined for it, the day looked like turning into any other.
Until the call came in.
Lucia answered so it was Lucia’s case. That was how it worked. Unless there was some obvious reason to defer to Cole, that was how it had always worked.
‘Charlie can take it. I’m giving it to Charlie.’
‘Charlie’s busy. Charlie’s got two missing kids.’
Cole looked at Charlie. Charlie shrugged.
‘What about you, Walter? You look like you’ve got a few calories you could do with expending.’
‘Love to, Guv, mainly because Lulu here seems to want it so bad. But I’ve got court again, remember? This fucking thing’s gonna drag on all week.’
Cole exhaled. He looked around him. ‘Where the fuck is Harry? And Rob. Where the fuck is Rob?’
‘I saw them twenty minutes ago,’ Walter said, grinning now. ‘They were holding hands and heading for trap three in the men’s room. Harry had a hard-on.’
Charlie laughed. Cole swore. He flicked a hand towards Walter. ‘Get your goddamn feet off that desk.’
Lucia was moving and Cole spotted her. ‘You. Where are you going?’
Lucia picked up her phone, her keys, her notepad. She reached for her mouse and shut down her email. ‘There’s no one else, Guv. Who else is there?’
Cole held up a finger. ‘I’m warning you, Lucia.’
‘What?’
‘You know what. Don’t pretend you don’t know what.’
‘What?’ Lucia said again. ‘It could be anyone. How do you know it’s not just anyone?’
‘What’s the address?’
Lucia flicked through her notepad.
‘What’s the address, Lucia?’
Lucia shut the pad. ‘Sycamore Drive. It’s Sycamore Drive.’
‘That’s right around the corner from the school. It’s not just anyone. I mean it Lucia, I don’t want you—’
‘Gotta go, Guv. Taxi’s waiting.’
She rode to Sycamore Drive in the back of a squad car. There was no air conditioning in the rear and the windows did not open either, which meant there was no respite from the heat or from the stench of simulated pine. Lucia allowed her lips to part and did her best to breathe in through her mouth. One of the two uniforms up front, the passenger, was talking to her across his shoulder. His voice was overwhelmed by the siren so Lucia just nodded occasionally, raised and dropped her eyebrows. She stared at the city passing
by, at the abundance of people on the streets even after nine o’clock on a work day, all rushing it seemed, drained of patience by the heat and the crowds and the sheer effort involved in completing a simple task, a trip, a transaction.
A dead body. A surname. That was all but it was enough.
They drove past the school. There were children in the playground, shouting, screeching, standing in groups around mobile phones, sitting on steps and sharing headphones, others playing video games by the look of them, with friends craning over their shoulders for a glimpse of animated pixels. One group, at one end of the yard, was kicking a ball. They still do that then, Lucia thought and immediately recoiled from her sourness. She was thirty-two. Just thirty-two and yet she felt obsolete, alienated from the generation to which, until recently, she had assumed she still belonged. She had an iPod but she could not use it. She was aware of Facebook but she had heard about it first on Radio 4. Children, when she came into contact with them, referred to her as a woman, as in, why’s that woman dressed like a policeman, Mummy? Parents, what was worse, called her a lady: mind the lady, darling, be careful. She had laughed, the first time. The second time she had panicked. When had that happened? When had the world decided - decided and not informed her - that the girl she thought she was had been displaced, disabused, disinvented? When had her peers handed the future to these children who could so readily shrug off violence, who were so inured to hate and brutality that they could laugh and joke and play on ground still stained by blood? And all while a boy of their age, whom they knew and had sat with and had spoken to and had laughed with, some of them, suffered and wept and bled himself.
Simon Lelic Page 13
