by Jacki Kelly
“Not a chance. Don’t worry about her. But the rest of us could tell something was wrong. Not only were you quiet but, you looked sad; like you lost your best friend. And you know I would never leave you.”
“Ha. Ha,” I said. “Will Carla be able to make it?” I turned off the television.
“I don’t know. She’s in her Sunday morning spinning class. I’ll try her later. If you don’t hear from me, then that means we’re on.”
“Same place as always?”
“Yes.” She paused for a moment. “Were you and Walter getting busy?”
“I was, but not with him.” My tone turned serious.
“Then don’t let me disturb you. Go ahead and take care of yourself.”
I hung up and climbed out of bed. My desire had faded.
Before going into the bathroom, I stood in the master alcove overlooking the garden. With my head pressed against the cool windowpane, I contemplated going to the country club and spending time with Walter. We used to golf together every weekend, but that was years ago. All the good stuff seemed so long ago.
I glimpsed my suitcases nestled in the corner of my closet. Packing was the first step, leaving was the second, and the hardest. I rubbed the rough fabric on the largest bag.
Walking away was something other people did, not me.
I closed the closet door and entered the bathroom.
The warm water from the shower pelted my shoulders, loosening the tightness. It didn’t feel as good as what I’d planned for myself in bed, but it had to do for now.
Perhaps I could talk Walter into finishing what he’d started at the bar. We had been there before, stuck in a troubled placed with no intimacy. He always snapped out of it. But this was different. This spell was rough to ignore. I felt like he wanted to be somewhere else, with someone else, doing something else.
I dried off and caught a glimpse of my body in the wide bathroom mirror. I froze at my image. My hips and thighs looked huge. I pivoted on my toes and looked over my shoulder at my backside. This view snarled at me. For ten minutes, I looked at my body from different angles. I sucked my stomach in, making it concave. I wrapped the towel over my breasts before turning away from the mirror.
I stepped on the scale and waited for the chime to tell me my weight was visible. After a deep breath I looked down, one hundred fifty three pounds, up two pounds from yesterday.
It had to be the alcohol and the excess salt from dinner, and the loaf of bread, and the gummy bears, and the fear living in my stomach.
My heady feeling vanished as depression showed up. My skin couldn’t possibly stretch another inch.
I stepped off the scale, waited until the numbers cleared, then carefully positioned my feet back on the glass plate again. Making sure to place them in just the right places. Again, one hundred fifty-three pounds.
I plopped into the vanity chair, combed my short hair and applied makeup. After sorting through my closet, I found the Eileen Fisher pants that did an excellent job of hiding my pudginess. The slacks hung loose on my round butt, and my top fell over my hips. On a good day I could have passed for pretty. Too bad I didn’t have enough good days.
In the bedroom, I reached for the phone and did what I always do whenever I’m bummed. I called my mother.
“Hi, Sweetie. What’s the matter?” Mom asked.
“I’m fine.”
“You don’t sound fine. What’s wrong? Is it Walter? What did he do this time?”
“Why do you think Walter did something?”
“I’m smart enough to know something was going on between you two yesterday. And last week he left us sitting in the restaurant without a call.”
“I told you he had to work, Mom.”
“He couldn’t call and let us know?” Her voice held the same accusatory tone it held when I told her I was pregnant. “We waited almost an hour for him. I don’t know how you put up with it.”
“We’re fine, Mom,” I hoped she didn’t hear my desperation.
“It don’t look fine to me.”
“He’s under a lot of pressure at work. Anyway, you wanted to talk to me about Dad?”
“Well.” She hesitated. “He hasn’t been feeling good lately. I’m worried.”
“What’s wrong? Is he sick?” I sat on the bed to absorb the information. “What’s he complaining about?” Her tone made me worry.
“You know your father doesn’t complain. But he sleeps all the time, and during our morning walks, he sits on the bench and waits for me to make the circle around the track. He sweats a lot too, even when it’s not hot.”
“What does the doctor say?”
“That’s just it, he won’t go to the doctor. So, I want you to talk to him. He might listen to you.”
“Mom, have you tried to talk to him?”
“I’ve talked till I’m blue in the face. He thinks I’m nagging.”
“Will he listen to me? You know how Dad gets when you try to make him do something he doesn’t want to do.”
“Well, give it a try. Maybe if you volunteer to go with him. Maybe if Walter talked to him, you know, man to man. If he’s not too busy.” She sighed as if coming up with ideas drained her energy. “I don’t know, but try something.”
“Let’s not get Walter involved, yet. Let me try. Should I talk to him now?”
“No, I don’t want him to know I asked you to do this.”
“I’ll come by one night this week.” I paused. “Or should I come today?”
“Not today, we’re going out later. During the week is better.” Her mood grew lighter. “Are you getting excited about the wedding?”
“Not yet. There’s so much to do. I think we’ve taken care of everything, so I don’t expect any surprises.”
“Honey, life always gives you surprises.” Her comment struck me the way she knew it would.
After hanging up I went downstairs and peeked in Walter’s office for a note. Papers littered his desk. I sat in his soft leather chair and glanced at his neat handwriting scribbled on some of the pages. He spent so much time in here it smelled like his cologne.
Curiosity pushed me to open the top desk drawer and shuffle through the contents. I didn’t know what I expected to find but if I found something of significance, I’d know.
The second drawer was full of pens and ink refills, all shapes and sizes. The bottom drawer contained junk; keys, scraps of paper with phone numbers, and several old wireless phone statements. Why would he save old phone bills? I leafed through the statements; one phone number showed up repeatedly each day. Some sales rep must have been causing Walter trouble.
I lost interest and shut the drawers. I tried to leave everything the way I found it, and padded into the kitchen. Snooping in his office wasn’t one of my normal activities. He guarded his privacy like a centurion. But my mother’s comment about surprises rattled me. Walter had had affairs before. I didn’t want another surprise like that, ever.
I counted the number of secrets I kept from him. How much I weighed, but that didn’t matter. Half the women I knew kept their weight a secret.
The packed bags in my closet ready as soon as I got the courage.
And Marco.
Walter had no idea how many times I daydreamed about that tall, handsome, hunk. Walter probably thought I was incapable of thinking about anyone but him. He was my first real boyfriend and my only lover. The guy who stood me up for my high school prom didn’t count.
Marco was only a fantasy. I wouldn’t cheat. Just thinking about making love to Marco made me feel guilty. I would never do that to Walter, no matter how unhappy I was. I could imagine the shame in my father’s eye if he found out his only child not only got pregnant out of wedlock, but was an adulteress, too.
I dialed Walter’s cell phone. It kicked to voice mail without ringing. “Hey, I’m trying to catch up with you. I’m going to lunch with the girls this afternoon. See you this evening.”
Next I tried his office phone. It went immediately to th
e company recorder.
I pulled a box of cereal from the pantry. Time to drop the two new pounds before they set up permanent residence on my hips. The box pictured a beautiful bowl of flakes loaded with blueberries. My boring bowl barely had enough milk to cover the dull flakes. The crunch filled my ears, but did nothing to satisfy my stomach.
I grabbed my keys and headed out of the house. I needed to run some errands before meeting Carla and Ursula.
By the time I browsed Macy’s shoe department and picked up my prescription to control my funky moods it was almost one o’clock. Ursula and Carla were already seated by the window overlooking the Brandywine River when I walked in. I zigzagged my way to their table.
“Ciao, Tracy.” I recognized the sultry voice even before I turned around to see Marco seated in the corner. His thick curly hair was the first thing I noticed about him. In my dreams I was always running my fingers through his mane while he planted warm, wet kisses on my neck.
He broke into a broad smile. “Buon pomeriggio. Come stai?”
“I’m fine, Marco. How are you?” I stumbled over my feet as I made my way to his table. His eyebrows almost met between his eyes in an attractive way. He obviously lifted weights because his muscles bulged through his shirtsleeves and his waist narrowed above his hips.
He stood as I approached his table. If he’d stop flirting with me maybe I’d stop having wet dreams about him. I figured he was doing it for fun. My intentions were a lot more sinister. He reached for my hands and kissed each one. His Italian charm made my insides flutter.
“Are you lunching alone?” He looked down at his table. “You can join me.”
Ditching Carla and Ursula ran through my mind, but I knew better than to cross that line. As much as I’d love to have a long leisurely romp in bed with him, running from my problems wouldn’t solve them.
“I’m meeting some friends. You know Ursula.” I pointed to her across the room.
Disappointment slipped into his eyes. “You always have an excuse. I’m beginning to think you’re avoiding me. Maybe some other time.”
“For sure.” My knees trembled. If he had any idea how many erotic dreams I had about him, he’d blush. “Maybe we can have lunch one day next week.” The words tumbled from my mouth before I could censor them. I hadn’t meant to say that.
“For sure.” He held my gaze for what seemed like forever.
I walked across the room trying to hold my stomach in and hoping my rear end would turn him on a little.
“Well, someone seems to be in a better mood than yesterday.” Ursula smirked.
“Yep, my mood is better now.” I sat and reached for my napkin.
Ursula handed it to me before I could pick it up. “You need to wipe that drool off your lip.” She pretended to dab my chin.
I snatched the napkin away and glanced over my shoulder to make sure Marco wasn’t watching. He looked up and winked. My heart stumbled and for several seconds I felt like I was back in high school enjoying my first crush.
“You might as well go ahead and jump his bones, and get it out of your system.” Carla’s tone held a hint of I-dare-you, which mimicked the way she lived her life.
“If I wasn’t married...” I shook the thought away. “I’m a married woman and I don’t cheat. Besides he’s… You know, I’m only into black guys.”
“He’s Italian, and you know lusting after him is just as bad as actually doing the deed. When you get to heaven you won’t get any brownie points for only dreaming of making love to him.” Carla sat back, looking satisfied with having planted the warning.
“Everyone is entitled to their fantasy. Marco’s mine,” I said.
“Mine too,” Ursula chimed in.
“If Javier ever acts up, I’m getting on that boat, too.” Carla glanced in his direction and used her napkin as a fan. “Anyway, how are you and Walter doing? Any better?”
“Well…” I didn’t know where to begin. “Today has been a good day so far.” It wasn’t until I spoke those words that I realized I hadn’t talked with my husband since last night. “I found a cute pair of kitten heels at Macy’s, so I’m happy. Sorry I’m late.”
“Don’t worry about it. We haven’t been here long and we’re still waiting on our drinks,” Carla said. “Let’s enjoy lunch because I’ve got some news to share with you guys.”
“What?” Ursula and I said in unison.
Carla’s face lit up. She clapped her hands and sat on the edge of her seat. “Well…” She looked from Ursula back to me. “Javier and I are going to start a family. I want to have a baby.” She almost sang the words. Her eyes bored the raw hunger of longing.
“Get outta here. You want a baby? You and Javier want a child?” I asked.
“Ah, I guess it was only a matter of time,” Ursula said. “But what took you guys so long to decide? You’re at the end of your baby-making years.”
Carla hunched her shoulders. “I know, but we both really want a child.”
“Wow.” I reached for her hand and squeezed it.
“I know! It’s unbelievable, isn’t it? But we’ve been talking about it for a while and now it seems right. Maybe we’ll have two.”
“You’re willing to stretch your tight stomach out of shape?” Ursula asked.
“I’m not worried about my body. I’ll get back in shape.” She ran her manicured tips through her long hair. “I’m so excited.” She bounced in her seat like she couldn’t sit still.
“Good for you.” I patted her hand again then released it.
“I’ll believe it when I see your stomach sticking out like a balloon,” Ursula replied.
“We’ve already been trying for a few months. I’m surprised it hasn’t happened yet.”
“The way you and Javier go at it, there will be lots of little Valdezes running around in no time at all.” I wanted to sound reassuring, but my voice came out too cheerful, like I was trying to convince her the world was flat and people didn’t fall off the edge and get hurt.
The server returned with their drinks and took my drink order. From the corner of my eye I saw Marco eyeing me. I dropped my head before either of my friends noticed.
“I see you flirting with Marco,” Ursula’s eyes danced with mischief.
“Oh, don’t start, Ursula. He was saying hello.”
“Well, it sure was a friendly hello.”
Every time Ursula saw me talking with Marco, she swore we were getting ready to have sex.
“I’ve told you, he likes you. Every time he looks at you, it likes he’s imaging you with your clothes off.”
“You’re being silly. I’m married and he’s separated. We’re just friends.” I glanced across the room and watched him take a bite of his burger.
“Marco’s divorce is final. I think he may be seeing someone.” Ursula sang the words, baiting me to take the hook.
I felt my cheeks flush. “Divorced doesn’t mean he’s ready to start dating.”
The server set my drink on the table. “Are you ladies ready to place your orders?” she asked with her pencil poised over her pad.
“Give us a few minutes, please.” I faced Ursula. “How do you know he’s seeing someone?”
“Oh…” Ursula smirked. “Now you’re interested. I keep up with the office chatter. If you could get away from your numbers long enough, you would know, too.”
“Ursula, stop giving her such a hard time.” Carla nudged Ursula on the arm. “You know Tracy is so faithful, so committed to her marriage, she can’t even think another man might be interested in her,” Carla teased. They both snickered.
When the waitress returned we all ordered salads.
“Have you ever flirted, Tracy?” Ursula asked.
“Okay you two, stop picking on me. I’ve flirted,” I said. “But it’s been a long time. I think…yes, I’m sure I’ve flirted.”
“Don’t you and Walter flirt?” Carla continued before I could answer. “Girl, Javier and I flirt all the time. Last week he called
me at work, and while I viewed some proofs, we had phone sex.”
Ursula and I burst into laughter.
“I’m not surprised,” Ursula said. “You practically had an orgasm at the restaurant last night.”
“Carla, I love your spontaneity. Walter would never do something like that. I can hardly remember the last time I had sex.” I sipped my diet soda.
“Didn’t you have an orgasm this morning?” Ursula grinned.
“No, I didn’t. I was interrupted. Besides, masturbating doesn’t count anyway,” I shot back at her. “Walter is so busy with work he comes home exhausted. And even if he weren’t exhausted, there’s no emotion in his touch.”
“That’s pitiful.” Ursula shook her head.
Carla took over. “Take control. You gotta step it up. Set the mood.” Her hands were animated. “I’ve never met a man so exhausted he’d rather sleep when you’re in his face. Honey, all you have to do is strut buck-naked in front of him and, he’ll forget about work or whatever is on his mind. Don’t you own something sexy and frilly? Put it on and let it all hang out.” Carla shimmied in her chair to demonstrate.
“Carla, everybody is not as aggressive as you,” said Ursula.
“I’m not aggressive. I just know how to get what I want.”
“Whew, girl you’re too much for me.” I sat back in my chair.
“Now it’s time to pick on you, Miss Ursula.” Carla turned to Ursula. “Are you going to tell us more about the mystery man you’re seeing? The one you’re keeping a secret? We don’t even know his name.”
“I’m not ready to talk about him yet. When it’s right, I’ll tell you guys. You know I tell you both everything!” Ursula blushed.
“Is he married?” Carla asked with her index finger pointed at Ursula. “You know how we feel about messing around with married men.”
“No, he’s not married. I’m not one of those women.”
“I don’t understand the secrecy,” said Carla. “Is something wrong with him? Does he walk with a limp or have a third eye or something?”
“Very funny. No it’s just…” She hesitated and hunched her shoulders. “The relationship is still new. When I know for sure it’s going somewhere I’ll tell you all about him.”
