by Jacki Kelly
“Carl is Tracy’s father.”
She expelled a heavy sigh and didn’t disguise it. “Walter, I’m sorry about Tracy’s father. I really am. But you know…it always seems to be one thing or another. Does this mean you haven’t told her about me yet?”
“When was I supposed to tell her that, Sasha? Before or after I told her that her father was dead?”
“I’m pregnant, Walter. What about that? Where does that fall on your priority list?”
“Sasha, I’m doing everything I can. Her father’s dead, dammit. I’m not some heartless bastard.”
She didn’t reply.
“Sasha!” She’d hung up. Maybe pregnancy hormones were jerking her around. I contemplated stopping by her house, but I couldn’t handle two hysterical women.
By the time I got back to Philadelphia the house was full of relatives. Most of them were already in town for the wedding, but there were new faces I didn’t know. Frances sat in the corner, comatose. Not bothering to stem the flow of tears streaming down her face leaving dark spots on her black blouse.
“Hey man, you must be Tracy’s husband.” A tall man in faded blue jeans and a wrinkled t-shirt shook my hand and gave me a head to toe glance. I threw on clothes so fast this morning I had to look down in order to remember what I was wearing. I had on black pants and a royal blue polo shirt. I was thankful I was better dressed than him, since he thought it was important to give me the eyeball.
“Yes and you’re…” His exuberance made me suspicious.
“I’m Mitch. I’m married to Tracy’s first cousin, Dee. We talked yesterday at the wedding.”
“Man, I talked to so many people yesterday, forgive me. What can I do for you?”
He lowered his voice and glanced over his shoulders. “Dee and I are worried about Tracy and Frances, they both look like they’re…” He searched for a word.
“Yeah, I know.”
“In shock or something,” he added. “How did Uncle Carl die? What happened? He looked fine last night.”
The rest of the morning I saw people gathered around the food-laden tables, trading stories about how they thought Carl died, some people said he died in his sleep. One group had him dead at the wedding. It’s a morbid habit, wanting to know the details of death. No matter how it happened, Carl was lying on a slab in some mortuary and nothing was going to change that.
I shifted my bags and took a deep breath. “Last night Frances went to the kitchen to get him some water. When she came out he wouldn’t move.” It saddened me to sum up the demise of my father-in-law in one tidy sentence. He deserved a much more eloquent pronouncement.
“Oh man, bummer.”
I wanted to punch Mitch in the gut. Instead I excused myself to find Tracy. I left Mitch standing in the middle of the dining room with his hands shoved into his torn jean pockets.
I found Tracy sitting at a table near the back door. I kissed her on the cheek and sat at the table with her.
“Did you get everything?”
“Yeah, I put your clothes in the bedroom and the groceries are in the kitchen.”
“Thanks.” She nodded towards her mother, who was still seated in the same position from earlier. “I’m worried about Mom. Look at her, she hasn’t moved in hours. She can’t live in this house alone. It’s too big. Do you know she still buys cookies and puts them in the cookie drawer?”
I nodded and didn’t try to make sense of her comment. She was still seated at the table too—I doubted if she had moved much. Her eyes were vacant even though she was looking at me.
“The funeral will be later in the week. The mortuary called and they’ve made the arrangements with the church. Crystal won’t be back.” She said this last statement with so much longing.
“Do you want me to call her? Have you changed your mind?”
“No. This is the best this way. She needs to enjoy her honeymoon. She’ll understand. My father would too. I’m sure.”
“Are you trying to convince me, or yourself?”
She gave me a weary smile. “Both,” she whispered.
There was softness about her, a vulnerability that opened her up and made her available to me. She wore a skirt I couldn’t remember seeing before, but the vibrant yellow color reminded me of sunshine and summer, her shoes were an exact match to the skirt. How did she manage to look so attractive under these circumstances? She never let her guard down, as if doing so signaled failure. I put my arms around her and held her tight. She went weak against my chest. I smelled her cologne in the softness of her neck.
Then just as quickly she pulled away and scribbled more notes on pieces of paper. Notes for the mortician. Notes for the church. Notes for herself. I sat by her side through the next wave of mourners that descended with their own brand of grieving.
Chapter Twenty-Two - Walter
I was held prisoner in my mother-in-law’s house. Two full days of running errands and circling the small house was maddening. Going to work was unthinkable, but the small confines of the house with all the sad looks and crying was rubbing my nerves raw. Tracy was so distraught, but I hardly seemed needed with all the loud mouths buzzing around her like mother hens.
I wanted to get away from the house for a few hours. That only required a good excuse.
Tracy wasn’t asleep. I could tell by her irregular breathing and by the way she kept shifting her position in the small bed that we shared.
I pulled her close and used my arms to hold her still. “I’ve got to go to the house today. You know, to get the mail, pick up the newspapers, and pay some bills. I need to make sure I cancel our trip, too,” I whispered in her ear.
“Uh-huh. Okay.” She snuggled closer. My penis throbbed against her soft flesh. She moaned.
“I can’t, Walter. I just can’t.”
“I know, baby. I understand, but that doesn’t stop a brother from wanting.” I slipped out of bed, dressed quickly, and left the house before another emergency came up, or before another slip of paper was pushed into my hand.
I dialed Sasha from the car, hoping to catch her at home. She picked up the phone and without giving her an opportunity to say anything, I said, “Can you stay home this morning? I’m on my way right now.”
“I-I…well.”
“I’m on my way now, Sasha. I’ll be there in a few minutes.”
“I need to get to the store.”
“Sasha,” I nearly yelled.
“Okay, okay.”
Sasha was seated in a straight back chair reading a magazine when I walked in the door. The house was so quiet I could hear the kitchen clock ticking. She didn’t move. I knelt at her feet and laid my head in her lap. Her legs were cool against my face.
“I haven’t seen you since… How could you leave me for so long?” she whined.
There wasn’t anything to say that I hadn’t already said, so I didn’t respond. I ran my hand along her thigh.
“Walter.” She sounded weak, the resistance gone. I placed the palm of my hand on the swell of her stomach. It was too soon to feel a kick, but a kick would have made this real for me. A kick would have set my life on some sensible track and helped me understand where my allegiance needed to be.
I pulled her face closer and kissed her hard on the mouth. It was easier than trying to talk about what was running through my head. I didn’t want to argue with her.
Her large eyes darted across my face. “What’s going on, Walter? Are you sick? Did something happen?”
“No, baby. I’m fine. Nothing is wrong. I just missed you so much.” I ran my hand under her dress. Tracy may not have been in the mood, but Sasha was always ready. “You’re wearing panties?”
“I was going to work,” she giggled.
“But, you knew I was on my way over here.” I pulled her panties down and stroked between her legs. She sighed so soft I almost didn’t hear her pleasure. When she didn’t resist my efforts, I pulled her on the floor next to me.
We lay there in a tangle of arms and legs
and listened to the quiet of the house. Sasha was on her back, staring up at me. Something was different between us. Again I placed my hand on her stomach. Tears gathered in her eyes.
“What’s wrong?”
Her lips trembled as tears rolled into her hairline. “Don’t leave me, Walter. I want you to stay,” she murmured.
“I have to go to the funeral. You know that.” I spoke louder than I needed, but this conversation was becoming an irritant, as if she didn’t have the capability to understand my reasoning.
“I’m not talking about the funeral, I’m talking about...” She spoke between jagged sobs. “Leaving Tracy. Are you going to?”
“Nothing has changed, darling. Nothing.” My hollow words echoed in the quiet house. She continued to cry and I pulled a fleece throw off the couch and covered her legs, then placed a pillow under her head to make her comfortable. Leaving Tracy wasn’t something I was ready to do. I didn’t know if I would ever be ready to walk out on her. Tracy wasn’t the kind of woman you walked out on. She was the woman you grew old with. My problem was I wasn’t ready to grow old yet.
Unlike my brothers, I didn’t need a drug to help me get an erection. My sex drive was still as strong as it was when I was twenty-one. Sasha made me feel as close to utopia as being twenty-one. She was supposed to remain free and available to me, not weigh our relationship down with children, mortgages and demands.
We didn’t move for over an hour.
“What time is it?”
I shrugged. My limbs were numb; I was too old to lie on the hard floor for long. “I need to get up.”
She looked at me without saying anything. Resignation registered on her face. Was I taking more than I gave?
She kissed the palm of my hand and led me upstairs. She slipped off her dress, turned back the sheets on the bed and crawled in on her hand and knees. With her arms extended, I climbed in the bed, too.
“Isn’t this why you came here today?”
“Is that what you think?” I asked, as my erection grew.
“Do you love me, Walter?”
I nodded. I didn’t trust myself to speak.
“Walter.” She started to say more then changed her mind. I stripped off my clothes and climbed on top of her, without putting my weight on her stomach. I ran my tongue down her neck, between her swollen breasts. She arched her body off the bed.
“Oh baby,” she moaned.
I found her soft wet core and drove my tongue inside. I continued to stroke her nub until she shuddered uncontrollably and held me tight. For now everything was okay. I climbed on top of her and pushed into her warm wet center. Her muscles contracted around me, making it hard to hold out. She slammed her hips against me, demanding more and within minutes I answered her call.
I’d slipped away from Tracy every day to spend long, erotic afternoons with Sasha. She was so fanatical about me leaving Tracy I thought more frequent visits would appease her enough to buy me a little time to settle my life.
Her stomach grew bigger almost overnight. Already Sasha had to adjust her walk to accommodate her fullness. The pregnancy made her radiate a golden glow that was worth looking at all day.
Sasha came into the living room and plopped next to me on the sofa. She rested her head on my shoulder. “You’ve been here three days in a row.” Her voice sounded dreamy and filled with the longing that made me nervous.
“Tracy is so distraught over her father’s death, she doesn’t miss me. With all the people coming and going, she doesn’t know who’s in her mother’s house. This has been one of the most relaxing weeks I’ve had in a long time. Like I’m on holiday.”
“It’s going to be like this all the time. In just a few more days. ” She took my hand and placed it over her navel. “I think the baby has started to move. Feel that?”
“When did it start?” Against the palm of my hand I felt the faint push of the baby.
***
The jet stream shifted just enough on the day of the funeral to release us from the grip of humidity that had hung in the air. The temperature was bearable enough to allow us to stand at the gravesite without sweat soaking through our clothes.
Tracy and her mother sat in small white folding chairs facing the coffin-size hole in the ground. From my vantage point behind Tracy, I watched her twist the lace handkerchief around her index finger. She drew the delicate fabric so tight the tip of her finger grew red. She slowly released the pressure, then began the process all over again. Frances continued to cry. The soft sobs never stopped. It had become white noise to me. Tracy didn’t shed a tear.
The blanket of white roses that covered the bronze casket scented the air. Carl would have been impressed with the dignity of the ceremony. The freeloading relatives who kept dropping by the house to gobble up the food would have angered him. While Tracy looked thinner, a couple of relatives looked like they had gained a few pounds.
I tightened my grip on Tracy’s shoulder, signaling her to release her finger from the handkerchief tourniquet. She set her finger free and reached up to pat my hand.
I shifted my weight from foot to foot. My week of peace and freedom was coming to an end. Sasha’s words sounded more like a threat than a statement. I was getting closer to the gallows.
Tracy had dropped hints that her mother needed to come live with us now. As much as I cared for Frances, I didn’t want to live in the same house with her. Instead of one pair of eyes scrutinizing my activities, there would be two.
The silence in the limousine was broken when Frances released a loud sob, turning up the volume on the white noise. Tracy pressed her nose against the window. Her shoulders tensed, but she ignored her mother.
I slid across the seat. “Frances, we’re here for you. You’re not going to be alone.” I cradled her in my arms and gave her a reassuring pat.
“I can’t believe Carl won’t come in the house and call my name anymore. Or turn over in bed and rub my back late at night,” she managed between sobs. “What am I supposed to do? I’m all alone.”
“It might not be easy, Frances, but it can be done. Carl would want you to go on,” I tried to reassure her.
After the limousine deposited us in front of the house and disappeared around the corner, I stood between Tracy and her mother. It was time for me to return to my regular life and figure some stuff out.
“I’m going into the office, Tray. I’ll come back tonight to pick you up if you want to come home tonight.”
She nodded and helped her mother up the stairs.
A neat stack of messages sat on the middle of my desk, and 183 new e-mails demanded my attention when I walked in the office. I threw my briefcase on the corner of my desk and pulled out my chair. It was a huge risk being out of the office for five days during a major restructuring. But being there for Tracy and spending afternoons with Sasha gave me the rest the doctor had prescribed.
Beverly strolled in my office with a stack of folders in her arms. “How is Tracy doing?” Unlike some of the other people who had cornered me on my way inside Beverly was sincere. She could have been the fourth person in Tracy’s loudmouth pack and fit in quite well.
“She’s taking it pretty hard. Her mother is a wreck.”
“What can I do?”
“Can you clear my e-mail messages?”
“I meant for Tracy.” She dropped the folders on top of the other piles of papers on my desk.
“Yeah, that’s what I thought. Fill me in on the week.”
“It was pretty quiet around here. All the bigwigs were behind closed doors all week. You have a meeting with Joe this afternoon at two. In his office.” She spun around and left without saying anything else.
“A meeting with Joe, great,” I muttered. The moisture collecting in my armpits accompanied the heavy pressure in my chest. I inhaled a deep breath, trying to remember the relaxed feeling I’d enjoyed before. I pushed away from the desk and placed my arms over my head. After several minutes of standing at my window watching the cars whiz a
long Trooper Avenue, I picked up the phone and returned calls.
The lunch hour passed and I remained at my desk. I called Tracy at her mother’s but after several rings it went to the answering machine. I disconnected without leaving a message, and then dialed Sasha’s number.
“How’s your wife?” The sarcastic tone said she was trying to pick a fight.
“She’s doing fine. She’s at her mother’s and thinking about going back to work soon.”
“Now you can tell her, right? We can be together like we were last week?”
“I have a meeting with Joe in a few minutes,” I blurted.
“What about?” I heard her shuffle paper. “Isn’t that your boss?”
“Yes. I guess he wants to talk about the office restructuring. I’ve been out of the office. He needs to fill me in on everything.”
“Now that everything is back to normal, you can—”
“Look, you have to trust me. I have every intention of telling her. But, even you can see why I had to wait. Please get off my back, Sasha. It won’t be long.”
“Fine, Walter. But things are different now. I’m different.” Her voice softened. “I know. I know. See you tonight?”
“Yeah, tonight.”
“I love you so much Walter,” she said.
Her lighter tone eased the tension in my neck. One glance over my shoulder revealed the same messy desk from this morning. I only managed to shuffle papers from one pile to another. With a deep sigh I picked up a pad and headed for Joe’s office. I rubbed my palms against my slacks, ignoring the rumble in my stomach.
“Joe, good afternoon.” I stepped in with a fake smile plastered on my face.
“Walter, thank you for coming.” He moved away from his desk and sat with me at the conference table. “Sorry to hear about your father-in-law. How is Tracy?”
“She’s doing better.” I crossed my foot over my knee.
Joe adjusted his tie. “That’s good. That’s good. I know how hard it is to lose a parent. When my father passed away I was devastated. I kept wishing I could spend a few more days with him.”
