by Unknown
And as a gust of cold wind whipped through her hair, she was back again.
“Oh my god, honey. You won’t believe what just happened. Did you see that? I just had to get some air. I can’t believe I almost let your sister see me naked. It felt so weird. I kept telling myself to calm down, but I couldn’t.”
He laughed. “Amelia, it’s fine. You’re just really high. You’ll be fine soon.”
She laughed. They laughed. “Yeah, I’m real high and real drunk. I think we know my limit now.”
Benson led Amelia back inside, through the house. She couldn’t bear to look at his sister, so she just watched her feet as she walked, trying to look like she had it together. I don’t.
They laid down on the bed, snuggled up, and turned on Family Guy. Family Guy fixes everything. She felt herself start to forget. But then all the events of the evening played through her head on warp speed. And she just had to tell Benson about it.
“Oh my god, honey. You won’t believe what just happened. Did you see it? First, I couldn’t stop drooling. And then, I tried to run through your house naked. And then, I stood in the street and almost got hit by a car. It felt so weird. I kept telling myself to calm down, but I couldn’t.”
“Yeah, babe. I was there. That all just happened.”
She closed her eyes, nuzzled her face into his neck, and took slow, deep breaths. But then all the events of the evening played through her head on warp speed. And she just had to tell Benson about it.
“Oh my god, honey. You won’t believe what just happened. Did you see it? First, I couldn’t stop drooling. And then, I tried to run through your house naked. And then, I stood in the street and almost got hit by a car. It felt so weird. I kept telling myself to calm down, but I couldn’t. Did I already tell you all about this?”
Benson was starting to get worried. She went on like this every five minutes for an entire hour. He thought maybe she kept blacking out and coming to. Something in her brain was clearly misfiring, but he didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know how to help her. She finally stopped and fell asleep next to Benson. He stayed still as long as possible, but Amelia always had a gift for bad timing, and he has to piss.
He slowly pulled his arm out from under her head and crept out of the room. When he came back, Benson knew something was very wrong. Amelia’s head was at an awkward angle, and she wasn’t moving. She was barely breathing.
“Amelia? Baby?” Nothing. “Amelia? Wake up.” Nothing. “Wake up!” He pulled her arm. Nothing. “Please wake up.”
He’s pacing the room now. My eyes are closed, but I can still see him. I’m dying. He should be calling someone. He should be saving me. Why isn’t he calling someone? He’s just going to let me die? He’s just going to let me die so he won’t get in trouble for smoking pot? I can’t believe this. Why is he pulling my arm? I’m dying. He should be calling someone!
Amelia’s eyes burst wide open. She sat straight up and let out a blood-curdling scream. So that’s what a death rattle sounds like. And then she fell back, and her eyes rolled closed. Benson never did call anyone that night. And Amelia didn’t actually die. But she would have been better off if she had.
When she woke up the next morning, Benson was hanging off the bed next to her, snoring loudly. It all felt like a bad dream. Had it really happened? What had really happened? Her throat was sore, her voice hoarse, her eyes heavy, and her muscles aching. Whatever had happened, it was a rough night, there was no denying that.
She let Benson sleep; it had probably been a rough night for him as well. But as Amelia lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling, she had a nagging feeling in the pit of her stomach telling her that she was still high, still sleeping, still dreaming. Or maybe it was just the hangover upsetting her stomach. She needed toast or pancakes or something to soak it all up.
She felt light-headed and dizzy when she finally crawled out of bed to get dressed. Her head felt like a balloon, about to float away if someone just cut the string. If only it would snap on its own. She tried to be quiet when getting dressed, but her clumsy nature combined with her throbbing head made that nearly impossible. Her foot caught in her shorts as she tried to step into them, and Amelia went crashing to the floor. Benson groggily rolled over and looked at her in a heap on the floor.
Seeing her there, just a pile of limbs and clothes, he jumped right up and helped her to her feet. He sat her on the edge of the bed and helped her put each leg through the leg holes in her shorts. And then he rested Amelia’s hands on his shoulders and stood her up, pulling her shorts up around her waist. He was so delicate with her. He helped clasp her bra behind her back, and then pulled her T-shirt over her head. She felt like a child being dressed by someone else. This is nice.
Benson dressed himself quickly, and then started rambling about all the fun things they were going to do that day. He wanted to go out for breakfast, go see a movie, go to the mall so he could get a new cell phone. And then he wanted to cook her dinner. But Amelia couldn’t handle his excitement, his energy. She thought she had died last night. Still not convinced I didn’t. She didn’t want to just go about the day like nothing had happened.
When Benson left the room to brush his teeth, Amelia quickly packed her stuff, just shoving everything into her bag with no regard for folding or care. He was alarmed when he returned to the room to find her with shoes on and bag in hand.
“I’m going home. I think I’m getting sick. I don’t want you to get sick too. I’ll call you later.” And before he could even blink or comprehend, she brushed passed him and was out the door. She sprinted to her car, tossed her bag in the backseat, and jumped into the driver’s seat. Benson just made it out of the house as she turned onto the street. In her rear view mirror, she saw him standing there, still in dismay, as she sped away. That house, his bed, are forever tainted now.
Amelia made it to the highway before she even felt herself driving. Auto-pilot. But everything felt fuzzy, blurry, like a lucid dream. Maybe she was still dreaming, nestled next to Benson, her head on his chest. Or maybe she was still on Benson’s bed, waiting for the life to leave her body as he paced around the room. If she was dreaming, she could crash her car and the jolt would wake her up. That’s how it worked in the movies, right? Die in your dream, wake up in real life? And if she was dying, then she would just die. And if I’m alive? Well, would ending it really be all that bad?
She placed her hands at 10 and 2, gripping the wheel firmly. All it would take was one quick jerk to the wheel, and it would all be over. She unbuckled her seat belt. No need for safeguards here. It would be so easy. Just one just twitch of the wrist. She’d moved her wrist that way so many times. There was nothing stopping her from making that same movement again now, gripping the wheel. Do it. Do it! Just do it now!
Her mother’s face kept flashing before her. And her father’s. And Benson’s. He would never forgive himself. They would never understand. So, she just kept driving. She didn’t want to go home. She didn’t want to face her parents. They would know something was wrong just by looking at her. She couldn’t tell them what the real problem was.
But Amelia couldn’t go back to Benson’s either. She couldn’t face him right now. Maybe not ever again. He was with her through what was the worst night of her life. He helped her through. But while she thought she was dying, he was pacing the room trying to save his own ass. Did he love himself more?
Christmas was over, and Amelia was supposed to be staying at Benson’s until the New Year. And then they were going to head back to campus together. They really weren’t supposed to be back on campus at all over the winter break without permission. But Amelia had nowhere else to go. She’d park on the street next to campus and walk to her apartment. None of her roommates would be around. She’d have solitude, peace and quiet. Time to think.
Now that she knew her destination, Amelia got her bearings and turned the car toward campus. In a few short hours, she’d be snuggled up in her bed, nuzzled into her pillow, watching
the snowfall outside. It looked so peaceful, so relaxing. Exactly what she needed.
After hours on the highway, she made the slow turn off the ramp and onto the country road that lead into town. She drove slowly. The snow was starting to accumulate, and this road was known for sneaky deer with a knack for poor timing. When she reached the first stoplight leading into town, a wave of relief washed over her. Almost there.
She drove past campus to make a quick stop at the grocery store. They’d eaten all the food before break started. In and out. Just the essentials. Milk, bread, cereal, frozen pizza, wine, and sleeping pills. Oh! And maybe some Christmas cookies if they are on clearance.
Amelia really did manage to just get in and out. No one even acknowledged her. She wondered if they even saw her. Maybe they can’t see me. Maybe I’m a ghost. Or maybe this is a dream. If this is a dream, I can do whatever I want.
She rang up her purchases at the self-checkout. There was no one at the station to answer questions, but the age verification for her wine went through before she even pulled out her ID. This must be a dream. Service is never that prompt. On her way out, she dropped three candy bars into her bag and just walked through the door. No one stopped her. Nothing beeped. She just got in her car and drove away. I must be dreaming. I should have been stopped. This isn’t real life.
She ran every light, sped around every corner, and screeched to a stop on the street next to campus. There was literally not a single soul in sight. It took two trips from her car to get her luggage and groceries into the apartment. Hopefully, it would snow enough to cover her tracks before campus safety made their rounds and spotted them. She thought she was safe though, it was snowing very heavily. Giant white, fluffy flakes. The best kind.
Amelia put the groceries away. One bottle of wine went into the freezer; it needed to chill quickly. I want it now. The rest went into the fridge. She dumped all the clothes from her suitcase directly into the washing machine. Everything that went to Benson’s house had to be washed when she got home, even if it had never left her bag. It all reeked of cigarette smoke and cat piss. She texted Benson to tell him she was home in bed, sleeping. She said it might be the flu, and she was just going to keep sleeping. He replied, “Feel better” with a kissy face. He does love that damn kissy face.
Then, she took a quick shower, washing the smoke and piss smell off herself as well. Then, it was two sleeping pills and a large glass of wine before bed. Her flannel sheets felt so good on her clean, naked skin as she slid under the covers. She opened her blinds just a hair and fell asleep watching the snowfall in front of the warm orange glow of the streetlight. This must be heaven.
ZZZ…
Amelia opened her mouth before her eyes. It felt dry, cottony, and tasted like ass. The sun was streaming across her face. The birds were chirping. What is this shit? She finally opened her eyes and lifted her head. Her face was stuck to the plastic logo printed on the front of Benson’s T-shirt. How embarrassing? He looked so peaceful lying there sleeping, a slight wheeze in his nose as he inhaled. She just loved him so much. I want to spend my life with this man. I want eternity with him.
She leaned down and softy kissed his cheek. He woke and turned his head, brushing his lips against hers. His breath smelled like peppermint. She pushed back against his lips, opening her mouth slightly and forcing her tongue into his mouth. He was warm. He brought warmth to her in every way possible. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him on top of her.
Amelia’s head didn’t hurt. She actually felt the best she had in weeks. She loved this man, and wanted to make sure that in this moment, he truly knew it. She pulled his shirt over his head as he crawled down her body, brushing her shirt up to expose her breasts. His breath was hot and sticky against her cold skin, but when he took her nipple into his mouth, everything felt right. Thank god I found him.
Sex with Benson was the best Amelia had ever had. He wasn’t the biggest, and he didn’t even have the best moves. But they had a comfort with each other that she’d never had before. It’s liberating.
So, when he accidentally aimed for the wrong hole, they usually just laughed it off. But today, she didn’t. It was something new to share with him. She winced and inhaled deeply when he started to push. This was usually his cue that he’d hit the wrong target. But when he went to pull back, Amelia wrapped her arms around his back, stopping him. “Go slowly,” she whispered into his ear.
It was a feeling like she’d never experienced before. He filled her in a new way, and she had never felt so full before. The stretching and the pulling, Amelia swore she could feel every movement Benson made. Each breath that filled his lungs filled her body. Once he pushed far enough to finally be in, a Zen state overcame Amelia. She was trying to relax, to really enjoy the experience. But, she was also so scared she was going to shit herself that she felt her muscles contracting for safety. Please don’t ruin this. Just enjoy this. He is.
It probably only took a few moments, but Amelia felt frozen in time. Caught between pain and pleasure, sleeping and waking, living and dying, she tried to just breathe. When they finished, they crashed to the bed in a heap. She rolled over, rested her head on Benson’s chest, took a few deep breaths, and fell asleep.
ZZZ…
When Amelia woke, it was dark outside and still snowing. She had cocooned herself in her flannel sheets, and now she was sweating. She stretched out and loosened the sheets, but she was still too hot. Can you sweat in a dream? The room felt too small, too hot. She needed fresh air.
She slipped on sweatpants and a sweatshirt without bothering to put on panties or a bra. She pulled her boots on and tucked her pants into them, and then went outside. She didn’t bother locking the door or taking or phone with her. No one would be calling.
Campus was so beautiful at night, and more beautiful in the snow. She wanted to walk through the heart of campus and really take in all in. Even late at night, it was rare to find campus so silent. Silent night, holy night. But since she wasn’t supposed to be there, it would be too risky. She walked in the street so she wouldn’t leave footprints. Amelia decided to walk to the stop sign and back, a brief walk. Get some fresh air, and then go back to bed.
She made it to the stop sign and turned to head back. It felt colder now. She held her handsover her ears to try to warm them. Head down watching her feet, ears covered, Amelia had no warning when the campus patrol car pulled up next to her and rolled down its window. Shit.
“Honey, what are you doing wandering campus at this time of night when you aren’t even supposed to be here? Did you get approval to be here?”
Honey? Really? Could he be any more condescending? This must be Officer Todd, the new guy. Amelia wanted to put up a tough front and tell him off for calling her honey. But the tears immediately welled to her eyes, and she took the easier route.
“My boyfriend broke up with me, and I was staying with him over break. I had nowhere else to go. I just needed to get some air to clear my head. Can I just stay in my apartment tonight, and I’ll leave in the morning?”
Todd got out of the car and looked Amelia up and down. “Aw, I’m sorry, sweetie. You can stay. I’ll just pretend I didn’t see you. Break is almost over anyway. But I’m at least going to make sure you get back to your apartment safely. The snow is starting to get bad, and you don’t even have a coat on.” He walked around and opened the passenger door and gestured for her to get in. Amelia complied. It was so warm inside the car. It’s making me sleepy.
Amelia told Todd her apartment number. It was a short drive, and they didn’t talk. He parked the car, turned off the engine, and got out of the car as Amelia climbed out of the low bucket seat. She walked up to her front door, turned the handle, and walked into her dark living room. “Wait a second, you didn’t lock the door? Someone could have seen you leave and gone in. I’m going to need to look inside before I can feel safe leaving you here alone.”
Amelia flipped on the light and then stepped aside, allowing him in.
She flopped down on the couch, kicked off her boots, and closed her eyes. Todd walked through the apartment and checked the back bedrooms. On his way through the kitchen, he noticed the wine bottle and sleeping pills on the counter. When he finished his search and went back to the living room, Amelia had her head propped up by her arm, but she was barely conscious. My eyes feel so heavy. I’m just going to close them for a second.
Amelia wasn’t sure how long she had her eyes closed, but they snapped open when she heard the sound of a zipper. Todd was pulling his cock out of his pants. It was rock hard in his hand. He licked his lips as he approached the couch. Amelia screamed, but he rushed her and placed his hand over her mouth. Her muzzled shrieks continued against the back of his hand. He used his free hand to slide her sweatpants down.
“No panties? You’re such a bad girl.” He reached down and slid his hand up her thigh. “Shaved too. Very nice.” He plunged two fingers deep inside her. This can’t be happening. This can’t be happening to me. This is a nightmare.
Amelia closed her eyes hard, but when she opened them, she was still on the couch. He was still on top of her. In her. She began thrashing in any and all ways she could. Arms flailing, legs kicking, pelvis thrusting. She wasn’t sure if it was one or a series of movements that finally pushed Todd off of her. He fell back and tripped over the coffee table. He went down and hit his head. She ran to the kitchen while he stood up and shook it off. She stumbled on her pants as he reached out and grabbed her arm.
Amelia reached the counter and grabbed the corkscrew. He pulled her arm hard, whipping her around, and she rammed the corkscrew into his neck. Todd stumbled backward, pulled the corkscrew from his neck, and then collapsed. He coughed a few times, blood gargled from his mouth, and then he fell silent. The blood began to pool in the carpet.
What just happened? What have I done? Amelia rushed to the bathroom and made it in time to vomit into the toilet and not all over the floor. There wasn’t much in Amelia’s stomach, and it wasn’t long before the dry heaves started. Then she was just belching, and finally, she was done. Her whole body was covered in a cold sweat. Tears were streaming down her face. She pulled the towel down from the rack, wiped her face, and then wadded it up into a ball to rest her head on. She closed her eyes and tried to take deep breaths. Just keep breathing. If I’m still breathing, I’m still here.
