by D. C. Gomez
I wasn’t sure how long we were on the boat or when I fell asleep, but a loud scream woke me. More came right after, piercing my head. I looked around and we were underground somewhere, the air so thick with smoke it was hard to draw in a breath. The boat had stopped at a pier and the souls were departing. I couldn’t see where they were heading, but they just marched along. I started gagging when the smell of burning hair and flesh caught my attention. It was the worse smell I had ever experienced. It was rottener than the chicken plant in Hope where Eugene’s lab was hidden.
“Here. Put this over your nose and mouth until we reach the hotel. It will diminish the stench,” the Boatman said as he passed me a bandana. I noticed Katrina already had one on.
“Where are we?” I wasn’t sure why I asked, but I needed to know.
“The torture chambers where the damned come to pay for their deeds.” The Boatman stared at the souls. I shivered, wanting nothing more than to get out of there as soon as possible. “Here put this on. You must keep track of time from now on.” The Boatman gave me the oldest looking watch I had ever seen. “Time moves differently here. We need to get going.”
“Works for me,” I told him as I put the watch on my right wrist. I figured there was no need to take mine off. “I guess it would be too much to ask for us to get a signal in here,” I told Katrina as I looked at my phone on roaming status.
“Sorry Isis, I don’t think Sprint’s long-distance plan covers hell,” Katrina replied with a grin.
The Boatman made a quick left down a long river. The currents were calm, and the air was actually breathable. I took my bandana off and the Boatman went back to blasting his music. This time he had Nelly’s It’s getting hot in here.
Constantine must have made the CD for the Boatman, which meant he had way more jokes than I’d guessed.
“Play it loud, Boatman,” a voice screamed. Katrina and I both jumped up to find the sound.
A young man was riding down the river in an inner tube with a drink. I wondered if I was imagining it because his drink even had a paper umbrella in it.
“Hold it down, my man,” Boatman screamed back to the young man floating away.
“Who was that?” I asked, my voice a little shaky.
“Jose,” Boatman replied. “He used to be the Intern in Europe. It was a rough death for him. Glad he is back to his normal self again,” he told us.
“Wait, this is Death’s Intern’s afterlife?” Katrina asked the Boatman and then looked at me. Did she really think I had a clue what was going on here?
“Welcome to the River Styx, little cousin,” the Boatman told her, his voice much too happy.
“I definitely chose the wrong Horseman,” Katrina told me. “I get to spend my afterlife frozen in ice waiting for the end of times and you get to chill in an inner tube drinking frozen drinks. How is that fair?”
“Our life span is a lot shorter,” I told her.
What I didn’t tell her, though, was of all places to spend my afterlife waiting for judgment day, no part of hell would be my first choice.
“Isis, you are nuts,” Katrina replied. She tried to glare at me, but we both just ended up laughing.
“Ladies get ready. We are almost at your stop,” Boatman announced.
No turning back now. Katrina and I did a quick inventory check. Just because we were in hell didn’t mean we were planning to stay there.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Boatman slowed down and maneuvered his ancient boat up to a rickety old pier.
“What is that thing?” Katrina asked Boatman.
“That offense to the world of architecture is Hotel California,” Boatman told us.
“Of course it is,” I told them. Who said demons didn’t have a sense of humor.
Boatman was right. That thing was truly hideous. It looked like a castle, a fort, and a horrible misshapen mansion had a child and that thing came out.
“I know we are in hell, but we have standards.” The Boatman turned his back on the hotel as he spoke. “Somebody should put that thing out of its misery and burn it down.” He was seriously disgusted by it. “Okay ladies, off you go. You got thirty minutes, hurry back.”
“Thirty?” I asked the Boatman. “What happened to three hours?” That was not enough time to do anything.
“We need time to recon the area and sneak in,” Katrina added.
“Little sister, thirty minutes is plenty.” Boatman was staring down at me. I forgot the man was technically a skeleton. I had never been intimidated by glowing socket balls before. He turned his glare towards Katrina and I was grateful. “Your three hours includes transportation. There is no need to sneak around. This is hell. The living radiate like an atomic bomb. Everyone knows you two are here. Besides, I got things to do. I’m the DJ for the pre-Halloween party for the Interns. I can’t be hanging out with you all day. I got music to prep.” I wasn’t sure how, but Boatman snapped his fingers and kicked us off.
“I’m glad he has his priorities straight,” Katrina whispered to me as we were getting out.
“Tell me about it,” I replied back.
We moved towards the hotel following a yellow path. Like Dorothy, we were not in Kansas anymore, but this was a yellow brick road. I had a horrible feeling this design was not a coincidence. Unfortunately, when I looked down, the yellow brick road turned into a road made of human skulls.
“Holy crap!” I screamed as I jumped off the trail. Katrina looked down and followed suit.
“I’m confused. How is this supposed to get humans to give up their souls to demons or the devil?” Katrina asked me as we started walking parallel of the path.
“If you make it this far down, I have a feeling your soul is already theirs,” I told her.
“Remind me to shoot the devil when we see him again,” Katrina told me with an evil smile.
“Will do.” I was not arguing with her. This place was awful.
We decided to jog the short path from the pier to the hotel’s entrance. The sooner we got this done, the sooner I could take a bath with bleach and disinfect myself. We crossed a small bridge at the entrance to the property that was over a moat. They had a moat? Did they think somebody was actually planning to storm their castle? This was ridiculous. I looked over the edge of the bridge, probably because I was a sucker for punishment. I almost puked and Katrina had to pull me back.
“You have to be kidding me! Boiling blood?” I looked at Katrina, and I knew my eyes were wide and my face was pale. I had to look horrified, but who could blame me? The place was right out of a horror film.
“Come on. Let’s get this done,” Katrina said as she pulled me further up the path.
We made it to the front door in one piece. I half expected gargoyles to open the door. Instead, a very handsome bellboy opened the door for us. He didn’t speak, just smiled and waved us in.
“Should we be worried? That was too easy,” Katrina asked me.
“I haven’t stopped being worried,” I replied. I had Don Henley’s song playing in my head and it was on constant replay.
“If Boatman is right, and I’m sure he is, they are expecting us. This is a horrible trap,” Katrina finished, and her voice was almost giddy. “Let’s not make them wait.”
Katrina was way too excited to face evil. I didn’t feel the same, but I still followed her inside. The place was even gaudier on the inside than the outside. All the walls were red and weird pictures hung in the most random places. Gold chandeliers were scattered in the large lobby. At least there was a reception area to the left of the place. To the right, a huge collection of leather couches was strategically organized. I was expecting demons with tails and horns everywhere. Instead, it looked like a Victoria Secret runway show was going on in this place, if Victoria Secret allowed men to model. Half-naked young girls and boys were everywhere, with older, but gorgeous, men and women in suits. I had no words.
“Remember, we are on their turf. They can change their appearance to look like anything,�
�� Katrina told me in my ear. “Don’t be fooled by it.”
“Hi. We are looking for Ralph,” Katrina said to a young man behind the reception desk.
“Hi. He is over there,” the young man with perfect teeth and amazing jet-black hair replied. “He has been expecting you.”
“I am sure he has been. Thank you,” Katrina told him. She turned to me and said, “Are you ready for this?”
I thought for a minute. There was no need to pretend I wanted to be here, so I told the truth. “Nope, but we don’t have a choice.”
We walked towards the center of the leather couches. I was wondering where the hotel did their shopping because those couches were great quality. As we got nearer, the crowd parted for us, leaving a path directly to a blond man sitting on the largest seat I had ever seen. I had a feeling this was how Moses felt when he parted the Red Sea. In awe, but totally terrified.
I stopped and stared at the man at the end of the path. If that was Ralph, he didn’t look like one. He looked more like Ryan Reynolds with blond hair and black eyes. A weird look, especially since I had a huge crush on Ryan. Ralph looked menacing, so he was ruining it for me.
“Ladies, so nice of you to join us,” Ralph announced with a booming voice. “We have been expecting you.” He waved his hand at the crowd and slowly got up from his throne. It looked like he might just make a whole production out of this.
“Sorry we are late,” Katrina said. “We were admiring the place.” I had no idea what she was talking about.
“Oh yes. Isn’t it magnificent?” Ralph told us. “Don’t you agree?” The rest of the pretty people became bobble-head-dolls and started nodding up and down non-stop.
“I don’t know. It’s a bit gaudy,” I told him, toning it down a bit. I actually thought I’d never seen something so overdone in my life.
“Let me guess. You must be Isis,” Ralph told me. I was pretty sure he knew exactly who I was. “The boss said you would be the one with the mouth and the pretty blonde would be the muscle.” He eyed Katrina and I like we were lunch. It was interesting Ralph called Jake boss and not his highness. I would ponder that later.
“In that case, introductions are not needed,” I told Ralph as I made plans in my head to choke Jake to death. “Obviously, you know why we are here, so where is Noah?” No need to play games. I wanted to leave as soon as possible.
“No foreplay? That’s a shame,” Ralph answered, licking his lips. I was starting to feel sick to my stomach again. “My pet is gone. Sent him to Haven yesterday.”
“What?” I screamed. I felt like I was having an out of body experience. “Are you kidding me? Why didn’t Jake just tell us that?” Jake was definitely going to die a horrible death when I got ahold of him.
“Oh, come on now.” Ralph answered in a very condescending manner. “Do you bore your boss with all the dreary details of the job?” Ralph glanced between Katrina and me.
“I guess you haven’t met Constantine or you would know the answer to that.” I took a deep breath to calm down. “Let’s go Katrina, this trip was a waste,” I told her as I grabbed her arm.
“Don’t you want to know if the princess was with him?” Ralph asked sweetly as the rest of the crowd snickered.
“Are you planning to tell us?” Katrina asked as she looked around the room, assessing the crowd.
“Of course, sweetie. I’m here to help.” Ralph walked around his throne like a model strolling a cat-walk.
“Okay, I’ll play.” I wrapped an arm around the front of Katrina to hold her back. I had a feeling she might kill Ralph if she got her hands on him. “Was Noah here with the princess and is the princess okay?” I glared at Ralph but made my voice sound as bored as possible.
“Much better,” Ralph answered. “Yes, the princess was here. She is in great health, for her condition that is. A bit on the sleepy side.”
Katrina and I exchanged glances.
“What condition and what have you given her to keep her sleepy?” Katrina asked Ralph this time.
“Ladies, if you don’t know, I shouldn’t be the one to ruin the surprise,” Ralph told us in a mocking tone.
“Spill it, pretty boy. You know you want to,” Katrina replied.
“She is pregnant. Exciting.” Ralph clapped his hands.
My mouth dropped open, and so did Katrina’s.
“Is that even possible?” I asked Katrina.
“It is now. The power of elven blood,” Ralph answered for her.
“Why are you so helpful?” I finally asked him.
“I have nothing to lose. You are never leaving here,” Ralph said, his voice filled with confidence. I felt like I was in an Austin Power’s movie and the villain just revealed his big plans. That never ended well for the villain.
“I’m sorry. I thought we had three hours?” I asked Ralph.
“Oh, you do.” His voice was so charming, I almost believed him. “You see, the boss said to be helpful and sociable with his guests. He never said anything about us not trying to keep you. It’s up to you to find a way out.” Ralph rubbed his hands together like an excited child. “If you can, that is.”
“Constantine said not to trust anyone in hell,” I told Katrina.
“There is a reason they are in hell to begin with,” Katrina told me. “Sorry, sweetie, we can’t stay. Got a date with Boatman,” she told Ralph, doing an awesome Southern accent. I didn’t know she could pull that off. Katrina grabbed a 9mm from her back and pointed it at Ralph.
“Are you serious, little girl?” Ralph raised his brows. “Do you honestly think a gun can hurt us?”
The room erupted into laughter, which gave me plenty of time to flip my backpack around and pull out my toy.
“A gun? No, probably not. But maybe this,” I told Ralph as I aimed my super soaker at him and fired.
Ralph had no idea what hit him. His laughter stopped and screams filled the air. Smoke billowed out of him as I took aim at the first couple of men rushing towards us. Somebody should have told Ralph never to underestimate his opponent. The guys burst into flames and the smell of burning flesh filled the air.
“What in the hell is this?” screamed one of the guys.
“Holy water,” yelled Ralph, his eyes now wide with terror.
Half of Ralph’s face and body were melting. He had probably been a really strong angel back in the day because his face was starting to heal, unlike his entourage who were falling apart. I was sending silent thanks to Father Francis. It was good we’d had time to run my errand, even though I felt terrible for texting him so late since he had been two hours ahead in Texas. However, he hooked me up with one of his friends in San Diego to make sure we had what we needed for the trip.
“Katrina, we need a door now,” I said, my tone filled with urgency. I had two large containers attached to my water gun, but they were not going to last forever. I was making every shot count.
“Got it,” Katrina said behind me. I couldn’t turn around to see what she was doing. “Time to take cover.” Katrina jerked me to the side in front of a large pillar.
Before I could ask any questions, Katrina blew up an entire wall and the entrance of the hotel exploded. All the boys in front of the blast were thrown at least twenty feet in the air. Even Ralph was tossed aside.
“Katrina, I said door. Not to take the whole place down,” I told her as I looked over her shoulder at the massive damage she had created.
“Sorry. I wasn’t sure how C4 would react in hell, so I added more just to be on the safe side,” Katrina told me, looking at the ground. “Let’s get out of here.” She dragged me to my feet and we started running.
“You will never leave here alive,” Ralph screamed. “Release Fluffy,” he screamed at his flunkies.
Katrina and I scrambled over debris. Pieces of the ceiling started to fall off as the walls on both sides collapsed. I flipped my backpack over again, grabbed the large candy bar, and handed it to Katrina.
“I have no idea what Fluffy is, but we
are going to need this,” I told her as I tried to readjust my bag and water gun. Just as she took it, the ground started trembling. “Oh God. Are we having an earthquake?”
“Not this time, just Fluffy.” Katrina pointed over her shoulder.
“What?” I asked and looked where she was pointing. Fluffy was Cerberus, the three headed hound that guarded Hades. He was huge, angry, and dripping saliva everywhere. “I don’t think we have enough candy there,” I told Katrina. We needed a small dump truck to feed that thing.
“We don’t need to feed him. Just distract him,” Katrina told me as she grabbed my shoulders and held me still.
Not sure why she was holding me. We needed to get out of there.
“Calm down, Isis. When I say go, run like your life depends on it. Just wait for my cue.” Katrina was full of jokes today. Of course our lives depended on it.
“Hey Fluffy. Catch,” Katrina yelled at the massive beast that was the size of an F150. Katrina took aim and I thanked God for her super trooper strength. She launched that bar like a missile. Fluffy didn’t think twice and followed the chocolate. “Isis, go.”
Katrina didn’t have to tell me twice and it was the fastest sprint I had ever done in my life. If somebody would have timed it, I would have beat an Olympic record.
“Boatman, go,” I screamed with the little air I could find.
Fortunately, Boatman didn’t need a lot of instruction. He had the boat moving before we reached the pier. Katrina and I jumped on as soon as the boat was near us. We landed horribly, but I didn’t care.
“Is there any way to make this go any faster?” Katrina asked Boatman as she watched Fluffy heading our way.
“Of course, dear.” Boatman reached underneath his steering wheel and the calm boat reacted like a speed boat.
Katrina and I dropped to the floor and took deep breaths. I was leaning on Katrina when the boat slowed down.
“We are here,” Boatman announced.
Katrina and I looked over the sides of the boat and saw nothing.
“Here, where?” I asked him, confused.
