“Mommy, how many more hours until the fireworks start?” Natie asked again, for the fourth time since lunch.
“Not until dark.” Mia looked from her Kindle to her watch. “So, about six more hours.”
“That’s a long time away.” He looked crestfallen.
“C’mere.” Reaching out her arm, she plucked a piece of seaweed from his loose curls. “You’re wearing the ocean.”
“I wish it was night time already.” The frustration in his voice was clear. Today was the day he had been looking forward to all week. Starting in the morning with the parade through Ocean Beach’s small downtown, they stayed in town to enjoy hot dogs and cotton candy served by the town’s volunteer fire department, before coming back for an afternoon on the beach.
Looking up from his Kindle, Schooner asked, “You up for building a sand fort, buddy?”
“Yeah.” Nathaniel ran over to his father, his smile appearing as easily as if someone had flipped a switch.
“C’mon, let’s go do it.” He ruffled his young son’s hair as they walked toward the wetter sand closer to the shoreline.
“He really is the best dad ever. We are all so lucky.” Holly raised her sunglasses as she watched Schooner and Nathaniel find the right spot for their fort.
Mia smiled as she looked on from her beach chair. His focus and patience with both Nathaniel and Portia was something she truly admired, whether it was helping them with math homework, teaching them tennis, or helping them spend an afternoon engaged in designing and building incredible sand structures, Schooner was right there. When she looked around, she saw too many fathers more interested in what they were reading on their phones than in paying attention to their children. Those fathers may have been physically there, but that was the extent of it. And then there was Schooner Moore, who possessed the uncanny ability to shut out the world and not let it interfere with his family time. The way he engaged his children, and the lessons they learned through his interaction were peerless.
Nodding, Mia looked at Holly. “We are more than lucky. He is one very special man. And this is perfect, because they won’t be done until it’s time to head into the house to shower before getting the barbeque started.”
“They will be there for hours.” Smiling at her dad with her little brother, Holly recalled a memory and began to laugh. “I remember this one time when I was little, still in elementary school, and was upset about something. Some friends had been mean, and I was the only one in the group not invited to a birthday party, and I was so hurt by it. He took me down to the beach and we sat there for hours building a Rapunzel castle and talking. It’s one of my favorite childhood memories.”
Slipping her Kindle into her beach bag, Mia grabbed her sunglasses and stretched in her chair. Portia was with Gaby, Charles, and Paola, Schooner was keeping Nathaniel engaged. “I think it’s time for a beach nap.”
“Grab it while you can.” Holly laughed and glanced back down at her own eReader.
“We couldn’t have asked for better weather this weekend.” Billy walked over to them a few minutes later.
“I know, this is so perfect,” Holly agreed. “You’re not working?” she asked the Castaway bartender.
“I’m on all night, so I’ve got a few hours off this afternoon and the surf was calling my name.” He looked out at the ocean, smiling, before looking back down at Holly. “That was quite a little meeting you had with Aiden and Janine the other day.”
Holly just shook her head.
“You handled it really well. I don’t know many women who wouldn’t have gotten into it with her right there in the street.”
“Definitely not my style,” Holly confessed.
“Yeah, and that is what was so evident. You two are like night and day. She was looking for a fight and you weren’t going to give her the satisfaction.” Billy appeared to be proud of Holly.
“Damn right, I wasn’t. Do you know if they are still here?” Holly had been wondering if they had been on the island only for the day or if they were here for the entire holiday.
“I saw them a couple of hours ago, they were going into Castaway for lunch,” he confirmed. “Holly, I know he’s with her now. But I just don’t see it. I was standing right there during the whole thing the other day and when he reached over to wipe your tears, that look on his face, man, that was the first time I saw the old Aiden. He was back, just for that second, and he wasn’t looking at you like he was over you. You know what I mean?”
“He’s here with her.” Holly sounded resigned to the fact that the man she loved had moved on.
“I don’t see it. I just don’t see him with her, you know. And I think now that he’s seen you, he knows it, too. I think he’s known it all along on some level, but seeing you, Holly, that look on his face.” Billy was getting emotional. “I could see he was in there, and I want my friend back.”
Holly nodded, her face solemn. “Unfortunately, it doesn’t matter what I want, Billy. If Aiden and I don’t want the same things, there’s not a damn thing I can do about it, except live with it.”
“The fat lady hasn’t sung on this one. I know it in my gut.”
As she watched her friend wade into the ocean, all she could think was that Aiden was still here. She knew if he was on the beach, he would avoid the stretch right outside her family’s home, knowing she and the rest of the Moore crew would be there. He wouldn’t do that to her and he wouldn’t do that to himself.
Besides not wanting to see her, Schooner and Mia were probably the last two people he wanted to run into. Her dad could be quite intimidating, and Mia was not someone whose wrong side you ever wanted to be on.
I love my family. Holly smiled to herself, and with a last glance toward her dad and Nathaniel’s latest masterpiece, she went back to the juicy tale on her Kindle.
“Nathaniel, come here right now.” Mia meant business.
“I don’t need it,” he whined.
“Natie, listen to your mother,” Schooner wasn’t kidding, and his young son knew not to defy him.
Begrudgingly, shuffling over to Mia, Nathaniel stood still for a moment while Mia sprayed him with bug spray.
“Portia, Paola, you two are next,” she called out to the girls.
It was twilight and they had finished their barbeque, now it was time for the mosquitoes to begin their feast. Her children already looked like they had the chicken pox from all the mosquito and sand fly bites covering their little arms and legs.
“Mommy, are the fireworks going to start soon?” Nathaniel’s body was high-wired with excitement.
“Just a few more minutes,” Mia assured him, noticing how crowded the beach in front of their house had become. With the fireworks being shot from barges out on the water, their deck overlooking the ocean was prime viewing space.
Billy’s bombshell that Aiden was still there had haunted Holly from the moment the words were out of her friend’s mouth. Why was he still here? she had asked herself. But even she knew the answer to that. He’d been a Fire Island regular long before the Moores bought their beachfront retreat. Initially working summers while in school, and then moving to the island full time, managing restaurants and bars in town, this was his home, much more than it ever was hers.
As dusk turned into darkness, singles and families packed the beach, some set up on their blankets and towels, others in beach chairs, and toward the back of the sand, farthest away from the ocean, it was five or so deep, people standing shoulder to shoulder.
Scanning the crowd, Holly didn’t see Aiden or Janine. In past summers, when they could get off from work, they would watch the July 4th display with her family from the Moore’s deck. She couldn’t help but wonder how far away from them he had situated himself tonight.
“I’m going to go take a walk. Check out the crowd,” she told Mia.
“Are you sure you want to do that?” She knew exactly what Holly was doing.
Nodding. “I just can’t stand here. I’m jumping out of my skin.�
�� She felt like Nathaniel had acted all day, energy bursting in anticipation of the fireworks. The waiting…
Rubbing her stepdaughter’s arm, “Be careful.” Mia knew Holly had to go look. If it had been her during the years when she and Schooner were apart, and she’d known he was nearby, she would have done the exact same thing.
“I will,” Holly promised, knowing it was her heart that was causing Mia concern and not her physical safety walking alone on the island.
As the first fireworks went up, the static crackles and little light bursts overhead filled the sky, followed by a deafening boom and silver, red, and blue cascades raining down into the ocean. A series of collective ooo’s and ahh’s filled the night at the appearance of each colorful blast.
Walking quickly, she searched the crowd, weaving her way through the bodies, and trying not to get in anyone’s way or block their view, as she passed.
“Hi, Holly,” a friend from Maguire’s yelled, waving at her.
“Hi, Drea,” she called back waving and kept on her way, wondering if she should have stopped and asked her if she had seen Aiden, then decided that probably was not the best idea.
It only took a few minutes to get to the far edge of town, where the size of the crowd watching the fireworks was only a fraction of what it had been several blocks back. Looking out over the last groups of people and not seeing a single familiar face, Holly realized she was looking for a needle in a haystack and the question occurred to her, what was she going to do if she saw him? Really. Suddenly she felt like a dog chasing a car. What does the dog do if it ever catches up to the vehicle? And in that moment, there was nothing else to do but turn around, and go enjoy what was left of July 4th with her family.
She hadn’t noticed most of the fireworks on her outbound walk, as she had been focusing on the crowd lining the beach. But now, as she leisurely strolled back toward the house, the sparkling lights in the sky brought back childhood memories of sitting on her father’s shoulders, high above the crowd, watching the display over Newport Beach. I should be watching Natie and Po enjoy this, she thought, hastening her speed.
It was during the next sonic-like boom that something at the back of the crowd caught her eye and she stopped. Standing very still, she waited for the next blast, again seeing what caught her eye the first time, and realizing her own body had jumped and stiffened. She wasn’t sure if her reaction was from the sound or from what she was witnessing. Assuming the latter, her suspicions were confirmed with the next explosion.
Watching him was painful, even though all she could see was his back, jolting with every blast. It looked like his hands were clenched in fists at his sides, tightening with each shoulder rise, right before the spasm hit. This was killing him.
Not being able to help him was killing her.
She could see Janine standing slightly in front of him and she appeared to be oblivious to his reaction. How could she not know what this would do to him and why isn’t she paying attention to what is going on with him? Each firework that went up made Holly cringe, followed by another jagged tear in her heart, every time he jumped.
Should I go up to him? Or will I cause him more problems? Her anxiety was reaching a fevered pitch as she internalized his fear. I need to do something.
But the something she needed to do quickly vanished the moment his girlfriend flung her arm around his waist.
Don’t stand here and watch this. Don’t do that to yourself.
Janine’s arm dropped a moment later when she pointed to the sparkling gold waterfall gently floating down from the sky. Don’t you see what’s going on? Holly silently screamed in her head at the oblivious woman.
Leave, Holly, she then ordered herself and turned on Ocean Breeze Walk heading away from beach. The pain she felt watching his anxiety had been overwhelming. It was something she hadn’t been prepared to see and never could have anticipated how deeply she would feel his pain. Leaning against a large driftwood sculpture, she hung her head for a moment, allowing the sadness and the gravity of the situation to roll over her. Aiden was in trouble, deep trouble, and all she could do was hope that Janine was aware enough, and supportive enough, to make sure he got the help he needed to cope and adjust, or he was going to go under. Of that, Holly was sure. Just the thought tore another shred in what she already knew was a badly frayed heart.
Pushing her hair from her face, she watched Aiden’s back move away from her rapidly down Ocean Breeze Walk. Realizing he must have passed her when she had her head down, she watched him recede into the night, surprised that he was leaving the beach alone. Half running, she followed him north of Midway Walk, where it looked like he turned into an alley. The fireworks display was still in full gear, and she assumed he had hit the threshold where he couldn’t keep it together anymore and needed to get away from the crowd.
Reaching the alleyway, she peered down the narrow passage. His back was to her, his right shoulder leaning up against the weathered cedar-shingle of the building. As she watched the heaving of his hunched shoulders, it looked as if he was imploding with each firework that exploded.
Slowly walking down the alley toward him, she spoke when she was still a few arm’s lengths away, so as not to spook him. “I’m here now. I’m here with you.” Seeing him react to the sound of her voice with what appeared to be sobs, she approached, sliding her arms around him and lying her head against his back, tightening her grasp with each blast. It only took a moment for Aiden to surrender, his weight fully leaning into Holly for comfort and protection.
They both knew what was coming, and as the grand finale began, Holly tightened her hold even more and whispered in his ear, “I’m hugging you whether you want me to or not.”
He didn’t answer and when he began shaking in her arms at the torrent of noise, she knew that he couldn’t respond.
“It’s okay, Aiden. I’m with you. I’ve got you. I’m not letting go. This will be over soon. I’ve got you. I’ve got you.”
But the blasts continued, his body nearly convulsing in her arms. “It’s okay,” she repeated over and over again.
When it was finally silent, they heard the cheers from the beach and Holly could feel him go lax in her arms. “You’re okay, Aiden. It’s okay now. It’s over.”
“No, it’s not.” He finally spoke. “I don’t want you to see me this way.”
“Yeah, well, that ferry has sailed, my friend,” she smiled into his back. Loosening her hold, “Aiden, look at me.”
Turning around he faced her, his eyes cast to the ground in a look she could only describe as embarrassment.
“Please look at me.”
“I can’t.”
Reaching out, she placed a hand on each cheek, taking his face in her hands and lifting it until his eyes met hers. Brushing her thumbs softly over his cheeks, she was too overcome to speak and hoped her touch told him she had never stopped loving him.
And he read her, like a beloved book with favorite passages memorized.
“Holly, can’t you see, I’m no good to you or for you.”
Shaking her head, she corrected him, “No Aiden, you are no good without me. That’s all I see.” He didn’t answer, and she went on. “So, what is it? You think you’re broken now and I can’t handle it?”
“No. I know you could probably handle just about anything.” His face crumbled, “I don’t want you to have to handle it.”
Finally, after over a year, the truth.
“So, what are you saying? It’s better that I remain broken, too? You think this is some gallant form of protecting me? Because you are sadly mistaken if that is what you think.”
The anger that spiked in her voice was impossible for him to ignore, and this time it was Aiden reaching out to touch her cheek. “You need to forget me, Angel.”
Angel. A shiver ran up her arms, as her eyes filled. How long had it been since he had called her that? Angel. I love watching you sleep with your hair fanned out on the pillow. It’s like watching an angel. My own
special angel.
“You want me to forget you? Just like you’ve been able forget me?” she called his bluff.
“Holly, I’m…”
“You’re a mess. A fucking mess,” she cut him off. “I get that. You’ve been through Hell and now it’s going to take a boatload of work to get back to you. And you’re worried that you’ll never get back to you. Well, here’s a newsflash, you will never, ever get back to you. Not the same person you were before this tour. He’s gone. We both know that and need to accept it. And yes, I can accept it. You know why?” she didn’t wait for him to answer. “I can accept it because the Aiden McManus who owns my heart would do the work to come out the other end of this a stronger, wiser, more badass guy than he already was. The Aiden McManus I know is one tough, resilient, stubborn-as-hell Irishman who can slay demons, even his own. And you need to find him, because he is in there.” She punctuated her words by poking him hard in the chest with her index finger, “And that’s the Aiden McManus I want back. Do you hear me?” she was practically yelling. “I want him back.”
“It’s not that easy.”
Calming herself down, “I know. I suspect it’s impossibly hard. But you need to fight, Aiden. You need to fight for yourself and don’t back down. Not now. Not ever.”
Looking at his feet, he shook his head.
“Now I know the real reason you don’t want me in your life. It’s not because you don’t want me to have to go through this, is it? You don’t want me around because I would push you too hard. I wouldn’t allow you to drown. So instead, you chose someone you know will let you wallow and not even see that you’ve slipped under the surface.”
“No, that’s not…”
Again, she cut him off. Like her father, it was best not to get Holly Moore mad. “Oh, yes, it is. If that woman was even thinking about you and your needs, you never would have been on that beach tonight, and the minute you reacted to that first blast, she would’ve had you out of there so fast that your head would have been spinning. But she didn’t even notice, Aiden. How could she not notice that you were freaking out? I’ll tell you why, because she’s too absorbed in herself to notice or care about what you need.”
Moore than a Feeling Page 13
