by K. D. Kinney
28
Sunday
The last day of performances. The last day with my friends. The last day of fun. I wasn’t feeling the relief I usually felt on the last day.
My friends came to watch the first show. When it was over, I took them on a full tour of the Caravan, which took about five minutes. Mom fed us all lunch. Noah and Josh were total opposites. Noah hovered. Josh kept his distance, but I kept catching him watching me. Bree and Rachel talked non-stop about everything they liked about the Caravan, remembering things they didn’t do in their competitions, teased the boys about their snoring. I appreciated their endless chatter. They were taking the edge off the tension with the boys.
They were gone the rest of the day while the gypsy shows went on. They said they had some clean-up to do in the small animal buildings. Of course I was busy too. We were starting to pack up between shows and taking inventory.
I had to bring Cessie when I met them all for the last night of fair rides. Cessie drifted to the girls. They took her on all the rides she wanted to go on. Which left me alone with the boys.
Josh had pulled away so much. I fought hard to bring him back by flirting with him. I crossed my foot under his. Brushed my fingers against his, sat closer to him whenever I had an opportunity to be with him alone.
With Noah, I was close but careful not to encourage too much closeness. However, I still loved being near him. He was so easy to be around and always warm even while I was creating more space between us, which was heartbreaking for me as each hour passed.
Josh laughed easily with me by the time the three of us squeezed on the bench seat on the smaller Ferris wheel. The thrill of sitting between both boys rushed through me. The ride paused at the top to let more people on. Josh leaned over the edge and the seat rocked. I gasped, grabbing his arm.
“Don’t do that.” I pushed his chest back.
A wicked smile spread across his face. “But it’s fun.” He leaned back and forth, swinging the seat.
“Josh, that’s not funny.” Noah flicked his ear.
“What the hell, Noah.” Josh reached behind me and flicked Noah back.
“Guys, stop please.” I gripped the handle when Josh’s elbow bumped against my back pushing me forward. The swinging brought on a panic attack. The ground looked far away but felt as if it was about to greet me as everything started to spin.
Josh covered my hand with his and slid an arm around my shoulders. “I’m so sorry.” He squeezed me closer. That didn’t help.
Noah tilted my chin to look at him.“Breathe slow.”
Their concern escalated my panic.
“Josh, let her go, let’s sit really still for a minute, and just hold her hand on the bar,” Noah said.
When I calmed down, the boys started singing a Hunter Hayes song in unison. I couldn’t help smiling at them. They were singing extremely well without any music.
Crowds were building all over the fairgrounds for the finale fireworks show when we all met up again.
“I’m starving. I have enough money to buy a whole pizza for all of us,” Noah said.
“Let’s take it to the Caravan and eat on the roof. We should be able to see the fireworks easily from there without the crowds,” I said and everyone eagerly agreed.
Noah went to order pizza and the girls went to buy Icees. I gave Cessie money to go with them. I was alone with Josh.
“I’m sorry I panicked earlier on the Ferris wheel. That was embarrassing.” I tugged on Josh’s shirt as an excuse to touch him.
“No, I’m sorry. I let Noah get to me and I was a jerk when I lashed out at you.”
“Did you notice I’ve been trying to patch things up between you and me all night?” I tilted my head to catch Josh’s eye.
“I noticed.” Josh briefly rested his hand on my hip. “Our time is almost up. I wish I still had a shot with you and I know that’s not happening.” He hung his head, avoiding eye contact as he folded his arms.
“You gonna be like this until we say goodbye tomorrow?” I wanted to be annoyed, but he was right, the time I had left with him was ticking away. The longing to be closer to Josh hadn’t waned a bit. In fact, it was building. I guess playing hard to get works. Who knew? I wasn’t going to tell Josh that.
“Probably.” He stuffed his hands in his pockets and studied the ground.
I slid my arms around his waist and hugged him.
Josh held me tight. “What will I do without you, Gypsy Girl?” he whispered.
“What will I do without you? I really, really like you.” I ran my fingers over the short hairs on the back of his neck until I spotted Cessie and the girls heading towards us.
I brought them all to the roof of the Caravan. We told stories, ate pizza, watched the sunset and the rides light up.
“I can’t believe you get to do this everywhere you go, just hang out on the roof. The fair rides are fun to watch up here.” Rachel took in the view all around the Caravan.
“It’s funny how after a while the screaming from the rides always sounds the same no matter where we go. I like the first day we show up the best, before the fair opens, and it’s silent, not full of a mishmash of good and gross smells. They turn on the lights and run the rides to test them. It’s like watching flashing colored lights on a Christmas tree and that never gets old for me.” I leaned back on my hands.
Josh and Noah sat on each side of me but gave me space this time. Noah slid his finger over mine. Josh tapped my foot with his when Noah wasn’t looking. I kept an eye on Rachel as she kept glancing over at Josh. A little heat burned in my chest. I’d been unsuccessfully fighting my feelings for the boys for the past twenty-four hours so saying goodbye the next morning wouldn’t be so hard. There I was, jealous that Rachel was eyeing Josh. I inhaled deeply and smiled at him. Josh still had a goofy wilt or melt thing he did sometimes when I looked at him. However, what was worse and more endearing was how his eyes welled up more and more as the day was nearing its end. Seeing him do that made me feel it too. When I glanced at Noah, he gave me the same kind, slightly smitten expression he had since the first day we met.
Bree and Rachel told stories about Noah and Josh at school.
“Can you remember a time when Noah and Josh weren’t together?” Bree asked Rachel.
“No, I can’t. It’s almost as if just this week we figured out they weren’t like a pair of socks. You know, you have to have two in order for them to be useful. Now I know that’s not true.” Rachel scrunched up her face when she realized what she said.
“Is that why girls never want to date me? Because I’m the stinky sock? Or they date Noah and then they think it’s over with both of us?” Josh’s eyes widened at Rachel’s revelation.
“I don’t know.” Rachel looked away. “I didn’t think you had that sort of problem with girls.”
“You know so much about me, how many girls have I been with?” Josh leaned forward to challenge Rachel.
“Well, I don’t know if you can count Sera,” Bree looked up at the sky and squinted. “I can’t think of any, can you Rachel?”
She shook her head, not making eye contact with him.
“Yeah, because there have been maybe two others that liked me for a minute until they spent time with Noah too and then it was over.”
“That makes the girls at our school sound so shallow,” Bree said.
“All twenty of them. That would include you two.” Noah pointed at them and his mouth turned up at the side.
“Whatever, Noah. I think we see you guys like brothers.” Bree threw a piece of crust at him.
I overheard Rachel whisper, “Speak for yourself.” So Josh might have a shot with someone else after all.
I enjoyed sitting among the long time friends, listening to them talk as if I had been part of their group for as long as they had been friends.
It was finally time for the fireworks when Cessie crawled back out to the roof to join us. I leaned back on my pillows. Cessie used me as her pillow. Josh settle
d in closer beside me. Noah stayed put, hugging his knees. Bree and Rachel leaned against the captain’s wheel.
We “ooooed” and “awwwed” over the colorful explosions overhead. I covered Cessie’s ears when the loud exploding flashes went off. I couldn’t help it when I jumped from the ones that resonated in my chest.
“You’re jumpy,” Josh said.
I squinted when I thought the next one would explode. “Loud noises aren’t my favorite.”
Josh turned closer to my ear. His hand brushed against my arm. “What is your favorite?” He gave me a playful look.
“Rainbows, quirky shoes, crazy socks, pizza,” I said, flinching again. I turned quickly and whispered, “You.” His face lit up. I made a mistake saying it like that. “And him,” I motioned my head towards Noah. Josh’s face fell a little. “This week with all of you.” I ran my hand down his arm and smiled. “The good parts. All the good parts.” I quickly brushed my thumb over his bottom lip. I flushed, remembering when I kissed him.
His head scrunched a little lower and a smile spread across his face as he watched the fireworks instead of me.
“Yeah, the good parts.” He nodded.
Noah leaned back on the other side of me. “I think this fireworks show is a long one.” He placed a hand behind his head.
Cessie moved off me to sit beside Bree. The girls were her new best friends. Bree showed her the pics on the phone after each shot she took.
Noah scooted closer. A little panic filled my chest. They weren’t done letting it be known they liked me even more. But there was only one of me. What Rachel said flashed in my mind. They were like a pair of socks. No wonder they were my favorite. Kelly said they were like the pieces of a two- piece puzzle. It was more than that. The whole Yin Yang thing. Left and Right, East and West, that was Noah and Josh. Each boy filled a different niche. No wonder I couldn’t pick one. It was like having cake or frosting but a party was better with both. You couldn’t just have one or the other and have it taste nearly as good. However, they were boys, not dessert. I should only pick one. I was at the point where picking one was over. Saying goodbye was fast approaching. I desperately wanted a little alone time with each boy, but even that time was gone.
The girls were ready to leave once the fireworks finished. I was still lost in thought.
“We said we’d be back to the RV when the fireworks were over. Will we see you tomorrow so we can say goodbye?” Bree asked me.
“Yes. I’m sure I’ll be fine at the horse barn now so I’ll come find you both.” I waved as they climbed over the edge down the rope ladder.
“Should we go too?” Noah asked.
“Not unless you have to.” I really wanted them to stay longer even though there was a mix of feelings going on inside me with just the two boys left. Cessie almost didn’t count. At least her presence would make sure the hard stuff was left unsaid.
“I have to go to the bathroom.” Cessie pushed Josh and the pillows out of the way to climb through the window.
Then it was just me, Josh, and Noah. My heart raced and I rubbed my sweaty palms on my legs. No people around us from the fair to keep us company and no crisis to act as buffer. Mom and Cessie were leaving the Caravan. Hopefully we wouldn’t have a repeat of the Ferris wheel incident. They had been flirting with me discreetly all night while everyone was there. I pressed my palms against my eyes and exhaled slowly.
“Are you all right?” Noah asked.
“Yeah, oh man. I’m scared this might get ugly.” I sighed again. Might as well get it over with. I sat on my knees, facing them. “You guys, I like you both so much. Noah has helped me with my fear of horses and has been kind, gentle, and so understanding when I screwed up. Josh, you’ve helped take care of all the problems that showed up this week, you make me laugh, and you’re so sincere. How can I sit here and like one of you over the other? I can’t. The girls totally get you guys. You aren’t a side-kick, Josh. You two are like heads and tails of a coin or salt and pepper. Together you make a complete being. That doesn’t sound right. Kelly said you are like pieces of a two-piece puzzle. You just fit together. That’s what I see.” I rubbed my thighs. Their faces fell. I turned around and sat between them. Taking both of their hands, I pulled them closer to me. “I don’t know how I would fit in with you guys. Maybe I’m the filling in the middle of an Oreo.” My elbows rested on the ground as I held their hands up on each side of me. “Every time I’ve held your hands at the same time has been the best. Each time you boys gave me courage to face what I feared most, whether it was horses or Kelly. Together you both made me feel much better. I’ve actually been on the back of a horse and Kelly is not a problem anymore.”
I squeezed their hands. Noah’s long fingers wrapped around my hand and Josh’s hand was wider but matched the size of mine. I squeezed my eyelids shut so I wouldn’t cry as emotion overwhelmed me.
“This week went by too fast.” Josh’s voice cracked. He eased his body closer beside mine and rested his head on my shoulder.
Noah held my hand in front of his face, running a finger over mine and rubbed lightly over each of my fingernails. The sensations were too much. I needed to break the tension. I climbed over Josh to reach in the window for my tablet. I turned on the camera and settled in between the boys again.
“How much fun can we have with selfies?” I tugged on Josh’s shirt to squeeze closer. Noah didn’t need any prompting. We laughed at every silly picture we took. My favorite was when both boys kissed my cheeks and I was genuinely shocked. My heart fluttered in overdrive.
Then they fought over who would get the first pic alone with me. I took a pic of the boys together instead. Cessie returned and wanted to join in. We distorted our faces in the pictures. Misshapen heads, enormous bug eyes. We laughed until we cried and our stomachs hurt. Josh took the tablet from me and started posting his favorites on Instagram and Snapchat.
Noah tickled the skin on my side where my shirt rode up a little and it gave me chills. I smiled but didn’t look at him. He rested his chin on my shoulder and watched Josh.
“You need to post that one for me,” Noah said.
“Yeah, sure.” Josh was engrossed with the tablet. Cessie hovered over his other shoulder to see them all.
Noah blew a little on my neck giving me the shivers. He stifled a laugh. I elbowed him gently in the rib before grabbing his hand so I could hold it.
The fair quieted down. Cessie settled on my stomach and quickly fell asleep. We whispered to each other while we watched the stars.
29
I woke up sometime later completely disoriented. I didn’t realize I’d fallen asleep and I couldn’t move from my side to my back. Cessie held onto my waist with her head on my stomach. Noah’s forehead pressed against my back gently where he lay behind me. Josh faced me, asleep on his side. At the other end of the roof, Mom fanned the air where she slept. I pulled a blanket up a little higher on my shoulder so the mosquitoes couldn’t eat me anymore than they probably already had.
I watched Josh sleep. Without his glasses or his hat, he looked so different, so young, and way too cute. My growing feelings for Josh consumed my mind, but I was still aware of Noah, his hand resting on my side. The more I thought of Josh, the more I was drawn to him. He did so much for my family, giving up his final competition to go help Kelly. He gave up pursuing me because I felt guilty leading them both on, even when he wanted me so badly.
His hand rested on the blanket near his face. I covered some of his fingers with mine. I wanted to run my hand through his hair and feel the short hairs on the back of his neck prickle my fingers. Trailing my fingers down his soft cheek would be nice too. I closed my eyes and swallowed hard.
Kissing Noah was heart melting, life-altering, and made me weak in the knees. Kissing Josh was sweeter. Probably because I was his first and he really wanted it. Remembering how I took charge that night flooded me with a thrill as if I kissed him all over again. I really wanted to forget everything that was holding me ba
ck and wake him up with a kiss.
When I inched closer, Noah’s hand squeezed my side as he stirred. He kissed my back, lightly moving my hair out of the way before he kissed the skin on the back of my neck. I gasped. Yes, he was life-altering. Now it was all too much. I gripped a fistful of blanket.
“You awake?” Noah whispered.
“Sort of.” I turned so he could hear me. “My mom is over there.”
“I saw. That’s good I guess in case the girls give us grief when we head back.” Noah leaned closer to my ear. “Umm … I’m really going to miss you.” He played with my hair. “I really love your rainbow hair.”
“You love my hair? At least you don’t love me. That would be heartbreaking.” I rolled onto my back.
Noah’s finger traced the line of my jaw. “Of course that’s not true. I’m already heartbroken.” He looked me in the eye. “Especially when you won’t say you like me more than him.” The lamppost light reflected off his bright, yet sad, blue eyes. His dark skin made them look like beacons, calling me to stare into his eyes to be hypnotized by his gaze forever.
“You guys make this hard. It would be easier if one of you could have given me a reason to not like you.” I pressed my hand against his chest. I could feel his heartbeat race from my touch. My heart raced, answering back. Could I be more confused? What a terrible person I was. I wanted them both. “It’s a good thing I can’t be with either one of you. No one can get hurt now.”
“Saying goodbye isn’t going to hurt you?” We gazed at each other and I could feel his warm breath whenever he exhaled.
I gently pushed him and gave him a pained smile. “Of course it will hurt. It already does.” I brushed my thumb against his chin. “Yeah, it already does.” I looked up at the stars and sighed.
He kissed my shoulder. “Will you remember this week fondly or will it be the nightmare that you were afraid would never end?”
