Witch Glitch

by Sibéal Pounder

  Peggy took the box and peered down at the Kake. She studied it for a moment before closing the box. ‘This is a great idea,’ Peggy said, beaming. ‘Of course I will help you. You’ve made the right choice.’

  Jelly-Horse Karen stared blankly at Peggy. ‘So … you’re taking the Kake?’

  ‘Of course,’ Peggy said kindly.

  ‘Would you rather only eat a tub of Flappy Flora’s Floral Foot Cream for ever or eat cheese water once?’ Lucy Tatty asked, as she skipped around Peggy.

  Tiga joined them and patted the cake box. ‘What’s this?’

  ‘Just something for Cakes, Pies and That’s About It Really,’ Peggy said, as Felicity Bat shouted over to them.

  ‘CAN WE PLEASE LEAVE NOW?’

  Up high in the tallest jelly tower, Senior Karen watched eagerly as the little witches made their way across the wobbling jelly bridge and off into the distance, the Kake box firmly tucked under Peggy’s arm.

  The entire journey home was a mash-up of Felicity Bat making fun of Tiga for always getting them into these messes, Tiga trying to change the subject, and Fran singing ‘Fran, Fran, For Ever’.

  They caught the Sinkville Express from the deserted Badlands station, which was made of jelly and peppered with signs saying WISHES THIS WAY.

  ‘Well, at least everything can go back to normal now,’ Peggy said with a sigh as the train trundled into the Ritzy City station.

  ‘We should destroy this,’ Tiga said, holding up the book. ‘So no one finds it.’

  ‘Agreed,’ Peggy said. She nodded at Felicity Bat.

  Felicity Bat wiggled. ‘ACHOO!’ she screamed in the direction of the book.

  It promptly wilted and vanished.

  ‘What?’ Felicity Bat said, staring at their amazed faces. ‘The achoo spell is easy – even someone from above the pipes could do it.’

  Tiga smiled. ‘We’re the only ones who have seen the Karens’ book, and now it’s gone. The Karens won’t be able to lure any more witches to the Jelly Castle to do any more of their weird twist wishes.’

  ‘What about Fluffanora?’ Felicity Bat said. ‘She’s seen it.’

  ‘Fluffanora would never trek all the way here to get something. And anyway,’ Tiga said, ‘she has pretty much everything she wants.’

  Tiga smiled at the thought of seeing Fluffanora. She could feel Dennis wriggling about in her pocket.

  ‘Wait,’ she said. ‘Why didn’t Fluffanora come with you?’

  Felicity Bat shrugged. ‘We forgot to mention it.’

  Tiga winced. ‘She’s not going to like that …’

  42

  Fluffanora is Offended

  Fluffanora sat on the Linden House sofa, her hands neatly clasped in her lap.

  ‘I can’t believe you went to a weird jelly castle and nearly got trapped for ever without me. Let the record show, I am OFFENDED.’

  Tiga laughed, relieved to be reunited with her friend.

  ‘It’s not funny, Tiga!’ Fluffanora said, throwing a cushion at her. ‘I’m glad you’re safe, though. I can’t believe the Karens are real.’

  ‘They have changed their ways and are making cakes now. Kakes by Karen,’ Peggy explained.

  ‘I would love to see one,’ Fluffanora joked.

  ‘Well, you can,’ Peggy said. ‘There’s one in the window of Cakes, Pies and That’s About It Really. I’m not sure if you’ll be able to see it though. There’s a giant cake shaped like Zarkle taking up almost all the space in the window display.’

  ‘And where’s witch-sized Fran? Is she back to her normal size yet?’

  ‘No,’ Tiga said. ‘She wanted to see what it was like to have her jelly hair done at a witch-sized hairdresser. Felicity Bat’s going to do a shrink spell on her later.’

  ‘Hmm,’ Fluffanora said. ‘And the book?’

  ‘Felicity achooed it,’ Peggy explained. ‘And I’ve banned any witch from travelling over the Badlands on the train. Everyone must get off at Silver City.’

  Fluffanora shifted in her seat. ‘Wait a frog, what was the twist on Fran’s wish, then?’

  But no one was listening.

  ‘It’s so strange my gran said she didn’t write the book,’ Lucy Tatty said, trying to touch the lace edging on Fluffanora’s dress.

  ‘Wait,’ Fluffanora said, brushing Lucy’s hand away. ‘Gloria Tatty said she didn’t write it? And you don’t think that’s odd?’

  ‘We’ve been trapped in a jelly castle, with actual jelly horses, talking to expired fairies and playing Caravan Conundrum,’ Tiga said defensively. ‘So I’d say, no, actually, it’s a tiny odd thing in a universe of much odder things.’

  ‘I wonder why they don’t leave the jelly castle,’ Felicity Bat muttered, more to herself than to the others. ‘That would be a much easier way of enticing witches to make wishes … face to face.’

  ‘Um, Tiga …’ Fluffanora said.

  ‘I think it’s safe to say we made a mistake, but we’ve kept it under control!’ Tiga said, lamely punching the air with her fist.

  The chandelier shook. The ground rumbled.

  ‘Tiga!’ Fluffanora said, pointing out of the window. ‘Is that Fran?’

  A fairy almost as tall as the tallest Ritzy Avenue building stomped past just as a letter floated through the window and landed in Tiga’s lap.

  WISH YOUR FRIEND WOULD STOP GROWING BEFORE SHE BURSTS?

  WISH SHE WAS BACK TO HER NORMAL FAIRY SIZE?

  You saw our book – you know that

  WE CAN MAKE YOUR WISHES COME TRUE

  (not like a genie, we’re better than

  that rubbish).

  VISIT THE KARENS! You’ll find us in:

  The Jelly Castle,

  Boulder Boulevard,

  The Badlands,

  Sinkville.

  Don’t bring a hot bath, or else.

  ‘Those monsters!’ Tiga cried. ‘That was the twist on Fran’s wish. She wished to get bigger, so she’s going to get bigger … until she bursts!’

  RITZY CITY POST

  * * *

  * * *

  ZARKLE MALFUNCTIONS

  * * *

  * * *

  Gretal Green’s latest invention, a perfect fairy made in under five minutes, shrivelled up this morning into a small, singed thing that looks not unlike an above-the-pipes fly.

  Gretal Green believes the fairy malfunctioned due to excessive, constant smiling.

  ‘I once saw her sleeping,’ said Mavis of Jam (And Sometimes Cats) Stall 9. ‘She was doing her mad, toothy smile and snoring at the same time. It was weird.’

  Gretal Green said she did explain to Zarkle that she could take a break from smiling, but Zarkle didn’t know what she was talking about.

  It is not known whether Zarkle will continue to present Cooking for Tiny People, but Gretal Green is said to be trying to find a job better suited to Zarkle – something that fits with her love of teeth …

  In other news, Top Witch Peggy Pigwiggle has banned anyone from riding the Sinkville Express past Silver City into the Badlands, not that any witch would do that anyway. And a reminder that there is to be no riding in the carriage smeared with jam, because it falls off the tracks sometimes.

  43

  By the Fountain

  Tiga leapt off the Sinkville Express and clattered down the steps.

  ‘Tiga!’ Gretal Green cried from where she was perched on the fountain.

  Tiga raced over.

  ‘Oh, Tiga, Peggy told me you’d gone to the Badlands. I sent the slugs to look for you – thank goodness you’re all right.’

  Tiga nestled under her mum’s arm. The fountain drizzled behind them, the silver stilts of the city shining. There was nowhere in the world Tiga would’ve rather been. She sneakily dropped Dennis the tights out of her pocket and he scurried off through the fountain.

  ‘What is that splashing?’ Gretal Green said, turning to look.

  ‘Lalalalala nothing!’ Tiga shouted, awkwardly grabbing her mum and pulling her into a
hug.

  She told her mum all about the Karens, and about the spell they had put on Fran. The one that would end in her bursting.

  Every so often, witches would stroll past, completely unaware of the mother and daughter sitting on the fountain, their hearts heavy, their brains scrambling for solutions.

  ‘We’ll find a way to save her, Tiga, I promise. It’s the least I can do for causing so much trouble with Zarkle. She malfunctioned, anyway.’

  Tiga heard the echo of Fran’s voice from the first time she landed in Sinkville, on top of Mavis’s jam stall.

  NO BROKEN BONES OR DEATH! WELL DONE.

  ‘She saved me,’ Tiga said sadly. ‘She’s infuriating, and loud, and completely self-absorbed … and glittery, but without her –’

  Tiga couldn’t finish.

  ‘I know,’ Gretal Green said, hugging her tighter. ‘We won’t let her burst. You should tell her about it, though. It’s only fair she knows what’s happening to her. She’ll get an awful fright if she keeps getting bigger.’

  ‘How big do you think she’ll grow?’ Tiga asked, but not even Gretal Green could’ve predicted that.

  44

  Massive

  Two Weeks Later …

  Tiga flicked her finger and poured herself a cup of Trilly’s tea. She was alone in Linden House with Peggy. It was nice to have some time with her, just the two of them; she so rarely got to see her best friend now she was so important.

  Tiga had mentioned the growing and bursting to Fran. She’d taken it surprisingly well, screaming for only ninety-seven hours.

  ‘We destroyed the book, the Sinkville Express is under control, now all I have to do is figure out how to stop an oversized fairy from bursting and catch a pair of criminal tights.’

  Tiga smiled. ‘Being the Top Witch isn’t easy … Wait, criminal tights? You’re still after them? How far have you got?’

  Fran knocked on the window; a huge fist covered in glitter was all they could see. Tiga poured an extra cup and placed it gently between her mammoth fingers.

  ‘THANK YOU KINDLY, MY DEAREST TIGA!’ Fran’s voice bellowed, making everything shake.

  ‘This is out of control,’ Peggy whispered, steadying a lamp that looked ready to topple off the table.

  ‘I’M GOING FOR A QUICK DIP BY THE COVES, DEARS!’

  Witches screamed as Fran bounded off down the road, crushing a couple of lamp posts as she went.

  ‘We need to fix this,’ Peggy said, joining Tiga at the window.

  ‘OOPS, SORRY, PARDON ME,’ Fran apologised, as witches scattered to avoid her gargantuan sparkly shoes.

  Julie Jumbo Wings flew past her. ‘Ha! Who’s got the JUMBO WINGS now!’

  Fran swatted her away, sending her straight down someone’s chimney.

  ‘I’m glad Fran’s given up trying to fly,’ Peggy said. ‘That’s at least something.’

  Tiga thought back to the day before, when Fran had tried to fly and got the Pearl Peak mountain stuck up her nose. She gripped the window frame tighter and watched her fairy friend skip off into the distance. ‘There must be something to make her small again. There’s got to be something …’

  45

  No One Can See

  the Kake

  Meanwhile, back in the Jelly Castle …

  ‘THAT PEGGY PIGWIGGLE DIDN’T PUT OUR KAKE IN THE WINDOW OF THE BAKER’S OR IF SHE DID SOMETHING IS WRONG BECAUSE THE WITCHES OF RITZY CITY CLEARLY CAN’T SEE IT, DARLING. CAN THEY?’

  ‘I wonder what it is,’ Cheese-Grater Karen said cheerily.

  ‘SILENCE!’ Senior Karen roared. ‘Only one witch has seen the Kake apart from Tiga and her friends, and that’s the baker at Cakes, Pies and That’s About It Really! Are you sure you’re sending the wish slips to her at the right address, darling?’

  Trifle Karen nodded frantically. ‘Oh yes, I am. The Cakes, Pies and That’s About It Really baker lives at The EXTREMELY Hot Oven in Cakes, Pies and That’s About It Really, 87 Ritzy Avenue, Ritzy City, Sinkville.’

  ‘THE BAKER IS CLEARLY NOT GETTING THE WISH SLIPS, DARLINGS!’ Senior Karen said, her face turning fuchsia. ‘AND NO ONE ELSE IN RITZY CITY HAS SEEN THE KAKE!’

  ‘Well, I’m baffled,’ Trifle Karen said. ‘Baffled, darling.’

  RITZY CITY POST

  * * *

  * * *

  FRAN STILL HUMONGOUS. GREAT TROUBLE ON THE SET OF COOKING FOR TINY PEOPLE

  * * *

  * * *

  Fran is still massive, and growing by the day. This has caused a number of problems for Sinkville, mainly that we seem to be existing in a permanent storm of glitter. There are fears Fran could combust at any moment.

  Cooking for Tiny People has also suffered a blow. Fran, with her gigantic hands, is unable to use any of the kitchen equipment without crushing it. So far she has destroyed:

  11 tiny ovens

  8 tiny fridges

  95,000 tiny spoons

  Some witches think she should be replaced, but no one has the guts to say it in case she glitters them. Our reporter interviewed Fran yesterday and made the suggestion.

  Reporter: You should quit Cooking for Tiny People, I think.

  Fran: EXCUUUUUSE ME?!

  Reporter: I have glittery dust IN MY EYES.

  End of interview.

  * * *

  * * *

  A WARNING MESSAGE: it has been brought to our attention that our sister paper, the Silver Times, is running a campaign encouraging witches to return the SORRY-WE-THOUGHT-YOU-WERE-EVIL-AND-LEFT-DURING-THE-BIG-EXIT-WHEN-REALLY-YOU-WERE-JUST-SUCKED-INTO-A-HAT gift baskets from Cakes, Pies and That’s About It Really. A bunch of them with RETURN TO SENDER tags have been raining down on the city, knocking people over, shattering chimneys, breaking windows, splatting on statues and confusing cats. Please be careful.

  46

  Return to Sender

  The gift basket came careering through the air. ‘Whoa, look how fast that one’s going!’ a witch shouted as it hurtled through the window of Cakes, Pies and That’s About It Really, shattering the glass and the giant cake shaped like Zarkle.

  Witches crowded around the window.

  ‘Will you look at that one,’ a witch said, pointing like she was in a trance at the strange-looking cake. ‘Kakes by Karen,’ she said. ‘Kakes by Karen.’

  Senior Karen skipped around the Jelly Castle, making it wobble uncontrollably.

  The rest of the coven charged into her tower, keen to know what was going on.

  ‘We’ve had an influx of potential witch wishers, darlings!’ Senior Karen croaked with glee. ‘Hundreds of them! Our Kake seems to be working again …’

  47

  Australia?

  Felicity Bat arrived back at Linden House, closely followed by Fluffanora and Aggie Hoof, who were arguing about how big is too big for a hat.

  ‘The size of a building,’ Aggie Hoof said, ‘is about as big as a hat should be.’

  ‘Sometimes I wonder if you’re real,’ Fluffanora mused.

  ‘I’ve got it, I’ve got it,’ Felicity Bat said grandly, sweeping into the Linden House sitting room, a crinkled old map tucked up under her arm. ‘Australia.’

  ‘Is that a spell to make Fran small again?’ Peggy asked.

  ‘No,’ Felicity Bat said, unrolling the map. ‘It is Australia.’

  ‘Australia,’ Tiga said, her head in her hands.

  ‘It’s a place and it has a lot of land, lots of large, unpopulated land. It would be safe to send Fran there,’ Felicity Bat said. ‘You know … so she doesn’t burst on us.’

  ‘Are you serious?’ Peggy said.

  ‘It’s above the pipes and it’s big,’ Felicity Bat said with a nod.

  Tiga scowled. ‘We are not going to banish Fran above the pipes to Australia to burst!’

  Felicity Bat levitated around the room, picking at her nails. ‘Why not? We’ve tried everything. Shrink spells, potions, lotions, squash machines … There’s nothing left to do.’

  Peggy shot he
r a look.

  ‘So you think we should just GIVE UP?!’ Tiga cried, clenching her fists. Sometimes she hated Felicity Bat.

  A gigantic hand reached in the window of Linden House and placed a pinky on Tiga’s shoulder. ‘If I must go, then I must go … to Austrapalina.’

  ‘Australia,’ Tiga corrected her.

  ‘Astrangalatopilanta,’ Fran tried again.

  ‘Australia,’ Tiga said.

  ‘Austraplatinapappa.’

  ‘She can’t even say it!’ Tiga said, throwing her hands in the air.

  Fran’s humongous eye peered in at them.

  ‘There must be something we’re missing,’ Tiga said desperately. She just couldn’t understand. They had to be able to fix her somehow.

  ‘Fine, I’ll keep looking into it,’ Felicity Bat said, levitating around the room. ‘But you have to appreciate that even I might not be able to solve this one.’

  Tiga picked up Lucinda Bunch’s notebook and began to pace the room. ‘Perhaps we’ve been looking at this all wrong. Everything we’ve done so far has been focused on trying to fix Fran. Maybe what we need to do is fix the Karens. Finish what Lucinda Bunch started all those years ago once and for all.’

  Felicity Bat stroked her chin. ‘You know what, Tiga? For once, you might be right.’

  ‘Really? You think so?’ Tiga asked, although she didn’t want to believe it. She wanted Felicity Bat to shout, ‘Nonsense! We don’t ever need to go back to that jelly castle!’ But Tiga knew that wouldn’t happen, because there was only one really good reason none of their spells were working on Fran. The Karens were still going strong.