by Carol Thomas
Trying to calm her nervous excitement she considered a few scenarios. Striding in and declaring her love seemed a bit over-the-top under the circumstances. Perhaps she should be more cautious; she didn’t want to imply it was all going to be as simple as ‘I love you and let’s live happily ever after.’ Besides, she didn’t really trust her mind to allow things to happen quite that easily; she knew that even together, they’d still have to work at moving forward. Perhaps couples’ counselling? She dismissed the thought almost as soon it popped into her head. Counselling felt like a step backwards. She’d had enough of procrastinating – for the first time in a long time she wanted to get on with living. She wondered momentarily if she should say what happened with Bradley. No. No, no! That wasn’t quite the start she wanted for their new beginning. Though she realised, in the interest of honesty, she’d have to have that conversation at some point. Abby couldn’t think any more. She needed some water. She needed to freshen up, to refresh her face and her dry mouth. Once she’d done that she was sure she’d be able to face Simon and then just go with whatever felt right – be spontaneous. Arghh!
Sneaking round the side of the house Abby decided to let herself in the kitchen. Bramble was in his bed but didn’t bark when he saw her or actually even get up – lazy boy! Instead he banged his tail heavily against the floor. Abby crept over to him and gave him a stroke. Cheekily he rolled half onto his back and lifted his paw, insisting on a full-on chest rub.
“Good news, you funny boy, Daddy is going to come home,” she whispered, unable to disguise the excitement in her voice.
Bramble rolled his eyes and snuffled back round to rest on his cushion.
On the kitchen side was a bottle of lime milkshake, Abby’s favourite from her college days, and two packets of Love Heart sweets with a note saying Welcome home my gorgeous wife! S xx It was perfect; she imagined them sharing them later, the way they used to when they spent long hours talking or simply snuggling up on the sofa. Her chest ached and she realised that it was because she could feel she loved him again. It was a strange sensation. She had almost forgotten the feeling; she had shut it down for so long and yet there it was, not in its entirety, but nonetheless there. She welcomed it, like a little confirmation that this was right and it was all going to be OK. She loved Simon. Quietly Abby ran the tap a little and splashed water on her face. She looked at the cups but slurped some from her hands instead. It was messy, cool and refreshing. She still didn’t know what she was going to say, but she knew she was ready to say it.
She wasn’t due back until the evening but in her excitement she decided there was no need to announce herself; instead she would surprise them. They’d be shocked, she could reveal her feelings – however that came out – and they would all be so happy and hug each other like old times, perfect! Grinning to herself Abby snuck down the hallway. She could hear the girls playing upstairs and welcomed the sound of their happy voices. This was it. They were all going to be a family again. Everything was going to be OK.
Looking into the empty lounge she wondered where Simon and Rachel could be. She glanced round. The door to Simon’s ‘office’ was slightly ajar. The room had been largely abandoned since he’d moved out. With the exception of the search Abby carried out for incriminating evidence after the fact (that yielded nothing but his flight itinerary showing details she already knew) she hadn’t really felt the need to go in there. She tended to associate the place with stealing Simon’s time when he should have been with her and the girls, the place that lent itself to working long hours while masquerading as being at home.
Ready to surprise him she crept towards the door, her excited steps making her look like a cartoon mouse sneaking past a snoozing cat. She had to stifle a giggle. As she lifted her hand to push the door open she paused. Something wasn’t right. They were undoubtedly both in there, she could hear them, but why and what they were doing she didn’t know. Something about the atmosphere and their agitated tones threw her from her stride. Lowering her hand she stilled to listen. She couldn’t believe it; they were cross at each other again! She hadn’t expected that; now she’d have to deal with that before she could share her happy news. The word “What” forming at her lips, she stopped.
“Don’t tell her Si, what if she can’t forgive me?”
Abby held her breath. Realising she was trembling she steadied herself on the doorframe. She had to try and calm down. Panic rising in her chest made it hard to focus on listening.
“I can’t keep it from her Rachel, she needs to know.”
Abby bit her lip, her heart pounded against her chest. Needs to know what? What were they talking about? She wondered if she should just march in and demand an explanation or run before she heard any more. Her eyes flicked between the door and the hallway – her exit. Her feet felt heavy and uncooperative. She stayed still, holding her breath, desperately hoping not to be discovered.
“Don’t Si, please, she’s been through enough. Don’t push her now, she’s doing so well.”
“That’s why we should have told her in the first place!”
“Really? You told me what she was like Si, it would have finished her off.”
“OK, but if there’s a chance she’ll come back to me she has to know everything. We can’t keep lying to her. She has to know everything.”
Lifting her heavy feet Abby took an exaggerated step backwards away from the door, moving as if in slow motion. The thought of more lies, heaped upon lies, and her two best friends in the world complicit in something – she didn’t dare to think what. It was making her dizzy. She thought she might collapse. The air seemed to dissipate from her lungs. Gasping and walking as if in a daze she finally slipped back out of the kitchen door. The garden seemed to spin.
What could she do? A black hole was opening before her and she had to fight not to throw herself in and welcome the deep, dark oblivion. She flustered with her phone in her hand; she knew she needed help. Who could she call? She was sliding, slipping too fast towards the darkness. She couldn’t call Melissa, she was surely on her way to some exotic paradise by now and Brad – Oh God, Brad! She couldn’t turn to him. It wouldn’t be fair. He couldn’t be the one to rescue her this time.
“Daddy, Daddy!”
Hearing Jessica calling to Simon inside the house pulled Abby back from the brink. She threw her phone into her bag and ran to her car. She didn’t want the girls to find her in a panic; she had to get away.
38
“Good God Abby, speak! Whatever’s the matter?” Eleanor pulled Abby through the door and shouted for Kennedy.
Abby felt barely conscious, she wasn’t quite sure how she had driven there but she found herself at her mum’s and wouldn’t you know it, Kennedy was there too to witness her in her full, dark and spiralling-out-of-control glory. Abby didn’t care any more. That’s right, this is me: out of control, lost, beyond help! Her breathing was too quick and shallow. She couldn’t fill her lungs with air; her chest was being crushed by the ton of misery that pressed upon it. Her head was light and dizzy. Kennedy put her arm round her. Abby didn’t want sympathy, she wanted to wallow in a dark corner, but she didn’t have the energy to shrug her off.
“Abby, speak! Tell us what’s wrong.”
“Mum, she can’t – she’s having a panic attack; leave her to me. Do you have a bag? A paper bag?”
Eleanor went to the kitchen and rummaged in the drawer searching for the paper bag she knew she had somewhere. Her fingers weren’t as agile as they used to be and she was shaking at the sight of her little girl so stricken. Returning to Kennedy she passed it over. Kennedy cupped the bag and placed it over Abby’s mouth and nose. Gently rubbing her back she told her to breathe slowly and deeply, her voice calm and reassuring.
“It’s OK sweetie, we’re here, breeeeeathe slowly,” she said over and over again.
Abby wasn’t sure how long they sat there but as she became more aware of her surroundings she welcomed Kennedy’s soothing voice and the reassuri
ng circling motion she made on her back. She became aware that Eleanor was holding her hand and hot tears spilt down her cheeks.
“I’m so sorry to come to you like this.” Abby spoke groggily, feeling weirdly hung over. Her head ached.
“Nonsense, what are mums and sisters for if you can’t go to them in times of trouble?”
“Abby, you know we’re always here for you.”
Kennedy’s words bought fresh tears to Abby’s eyes, though she wasn’t sure either of them had actually been there for her over recent months.
Eleanor breathed a sigh of relief as Abby began to seem more like herself; at least the colour was returning to her cheeks. She patted her hand. “Now tell me my granddaughters are OK and we’ll make a cup of tea and you can tell us what’s got you in such a state.”
Abby thought about Jessica and Grace back at home with Simon and Rachel and their dirty secret. She cursed herself for not bringing them away with her, but then she knew she had been in no fit state. She probably shouldn’t have driven herself anywhere, let alone the girls. She stopped her whirring mind before it filled her head with images of herself and them in some hideous accident on the dual carriageway.
“So that’s it, all you heard?” Kennedy stopped drinking her tea and looked at Abby, perplexed. “You didn’t think to stop, go in, question them?”
“No, I couldn’t breathe, I had to get out. It’s obvious though isn’t it?” The horrible realisation of what she’d heard weighed heavily on Abby.
“Is it? Because I’m lost.” Eleanor screwed up her face and looked between her girls, a little baffled as to what conclusion she was supposed to have drawn from Abby’s explanation.
“Yes Mum. It’s obvious! It’s Rachel. The other woman. All this time I thought it was some fictitious Helen Herne, from the name I saw on his phone, and yet it was Rachel. I’ve been so stupid. I never suspected… They must have been doing it right under my nose. Hell, I even arranged for her to go and keep him company at our house while I was away!”
“But you don’t know that’s what’s been going on,” Kennedy interrupted, “do you? Not really.”
Abby thought for a moment. Kennedy was annoyingly like her dad with her ‘stay calm and gather the facts’ attitude, and in that moment when she just wanted someone to agree with her it made her seethe and desperate to prove she was right.
She folded her arms and wracked her aching mind. Oh! “OK, let’s check Rebecca Giles’ tour dates. If Rachel wasn’t in Washington at the same time as Simon then I’m wrong, because I know for sure Simon was there and that’s when it started because that’s when he changed, when he went… weird. But if she was… well then… well then we’ll know.” Abby could feel her drive coming back, albeit spurred by hurt and anger. She felt back on familiar territory. Gathering the facts like a true Scott and Googling with intent, that was second nature to her now.
“We’ll check the dates, but no matter what we find you need to speak to Simon. You can’t just assume the worst,” Kennedy reasoned.
“Assume?! You didn’t hear them. They were talking about secrets and lies. Hiding things from me.”
“From what you said it sounded like Simon wanted to tell you something, it hardly sounds like he intended to keep… whatever it is from you.”
Eleanor sat like the umpire of a tennis match, her head swinging between the two, attempting to keep up with the conversation.
Firing up the dinosaur of a laptop Eleanor owned tested all their nerves. Everything seemed to take too long.
“Why have you still got this thing? Do you actually use it?”
Finally it surged with a little life and the home screen, a picture of Abby and Kennedy’s dad sitting at the laptop, appeared. Abby no longer needed to ask why Eleanor kept it. She blew out a breath and reminded herself to speak more kindly to her mum.
“OK, let’s do this.”
Abby searched Rebecca Giles and her tour dates. Staring at the screen she saw a review of her Uber-successful tour of Washington appear along with the dates that were imprinted on her mind. Fuck, it’s real! She started to shake. Without thinking she went into automatic pilot and clicked on the image results. She watched as the page filled with pictures of Rebecca Giles smiling, attending grand publicity events and book signings. Frequently next to her stood Rachel, her right-hand woman, always smiling, always looking stunning. Bile rose in Abby’s throat as she scrolled down. And there, towards the bottom of the page she thought she saw… was it? Is that? Simon! The picture was a bit blurred but she was sure it was him – they were in the background, just visible over Rebecca Giles’ shoulder, but it undoubtedly was Rachel and Simon. Oh, Simon! If she wasn’t searching for him she might have missed it, but now, staring at the page, there was no mistaking him next to Rachel. They weren’t touching or anything, but standing together. Not that them hugging would have been damning proof, they did it all the time. Oh God! Abby swallowed and pushed the laptop away. She had wanted evidence for so long, needed to see who it was Simon had betrayed her with and now she had it right there in front of her she wished she didn’t. She couldn’t look. She closed the laptop down.
“Abby, what are you doing?”
“I don’t want to know. The girls and I, we were doing fine. We don’t need them.” She gestured at the laptop. “They can go to hell. I was wrong. Ignorance is bliss.” Abby was rambling.
“Fuck that.”
“KENNEDY!” Eleanor looked shocked.
“Sorry Mum, but she’s got to wake up! It’s true, ignorance is temporary bliss, but is that what you want, temporary bliss? Come on Abby, this doesn’t mean a thing until you get all the facts, ignorance is shitty bliss but knowledge and truth is power!”
“KENNEDY, stop swearing!” Eleanor was stunned; she had never heard Kennedy swear and now it seemed there was no stopping her.
“Sorry Mum but she’s wrong. You know Dad would agree!”
Hearing Kennedy play the Dad card made Abby instantly angry. As Kennedy was five years older Abby always felt like she never quite matched up to the achievements of her big sister in her parents’ eyes. She was fed up with her always being the one in the right, who knew best. “Shut up Kennedy, you don’t know anything. You just want to be right again! You don’t care about me, not really. For months I’ve needed you. Where were you then? Did you care then?” Abby couldn’t quite believe that came out of her mouth; she didn’t even really mean it. Something about being in her childhood home and in the presence of her mum and Kennedy was making her behave like a stroppy teenager.
Eleanor stood up. “Is that what you think of your sister, and me… is that what you think of me too? Because believe you me, young lady…”
Oh no! The ‘believe you me, young lady’ was out; Abby knew she was in trouble. Eleanor rarely got angry but when she did she had a repertoire of sentences that let you know you were in trouble. Next she’d be calling her Abigail.
“You have no idea, Abigail.”
Uh-oh!
“No bloody idea at all!”
Oh God, she said bloody! Bloody was the height of Eleanor’s swear-o-meter; when she started saying that you knew she’d either hit the martini or was furious.
“You’ve no idea how much we’ve been worrying about you. Don’t you think it’s hurt us to see you so sad, so unreachable? Believe you me, we’ve tried to help you, spend time with you, be there for you and at every turn you’ve shut us out.”
“We know you couldn’t help it, I guess you’ve been… depressed.” Kennedy was trying to calm the situation.
Abby went to protest but Eleanor jumped in again.
“How dare you put this on us now? How dare you think we didn’t try to help you, when you kept shutting us out?”
Kennedy held her mum’s arm and interjected, “But it’s OK. Recently, you know… well… it didn’t matter; we were just pleased to see you getting better.”
Abby could see Kennedy was sticking up for her, it made her have a flashback of he
r doing the same in the past, defending her when they were little. “I was,” Abby offered weakly. “I’m sorry, it’s just I… I’ve never felt so low. I couldn’t deal with myself, let alone others. Some days only the girls kept me wanting to breathe. I didn’t want you all to see… To know I couldn’t cope.”
Eleanor swallowed past the lump in her throat. She hadn’t meant to be so harsh but it came from months of frustration, watching her little girl seem so lost. Now Abby sat before her looking broken but finally talking about her feelings. Eleanor felt tears welling in her eyes, an ache in her heart and a strange sense of relief that Abby was finally letting her in. She held back a sob. She had spent long hours worrying about Abby, not sure how best to help her. But now she was sitting there confessing her feelings. It was a breakthrough – she knew it; that nice lady on This Morning had said so on the family therapy phone-in.
“Abby don’t give up. Don’t let everything go without knowing the facts.” Kennedy’s voice was softer, more encouraging.
Abby looked at her. “But you don’t understand, everything’s so perfect for you, with your doctor husband, no need for a job, perfect boys and big house. You’ve got it all.”
Kennedy scoffed. “Is that what you think?” She shook her head and laughed. “Abby, I’m bored beyond belief. I gave up my dancing to have my boys and be the perfect wife and mother. Now the boys are teenagers and barely need me and Dave works such bloody long hours I hardly see him. That big house is not so lovely when you are rattling around in it alone!”
Abby was stunned. “But I don’t understand… I never knew.”
“You never asked.”
Abby swallowed. “But why don’t you do something, change it? Teach dancing again. You were so good at that.”
“Because, Abby, I’m not as brave as you. I wish I was.”
