Does it matter?
Not at all.
Mrs. Morris calls on me to answer a question. Fuck, I wasn’t paying attention. It’s hard to focus when you are as hungry as I am right this minute.
Avery leans to the left, exposing a paper to me. The answer.
I pause like I don’t know. I look to the board as if I am calculating the bullshit she’s spewing. I even lift a finger like I really know what the fuck I’m doing. Then, I read off the answer from Avery’s paper from my memory.
Mrs. Morris studies me, but she eventually nods her approval. Her eyes, though, they know what I did. Today, she is going to give me this play, and I will take it.
As for the individual in front of me who likes to concern themselves with my well-being, I’m at a loss. What I really want to say, I won’t. We come from two different worlds.
Avery Collins, I’m far from okay, but I will never share it with someone like you.
Chapter Ten
~Avery~
H e is hungry, I can tell. Mitchell Gates is the bad boy everyone avoids.
He is not all bad, though. I can feel it in my bones. I also think there is more to the boy than meets the eye. It’s just a feeling I get.
The boy has secrets, sure. Mitchell typically smells, except the semesters he has gym or the days he sneaks into the boys’ locker room to shower while the football, basketball, baseball, soccer, or golf teams have practice. His clothes never fit. And his hair, the dark locks with a natural wave that are never tamed … his hair is always a mess. That doesn’t make him a boy to judge. It just means he has a shit hand dealt to him in life.
I have seen him wash it in the bathroom sink here at school on more than one occasion, so I think there is a reason he’s so unkempt. It’s not my place to judge or pry in his business. While he might look like a mess on the outside, he might actually be the only person to have his life together.
I, on the other hand, look like my life is great. While, on the inside, I am a complete mess.
The bell rings, dismissing us for lunch. I let the crazy ones who always rush out get past me first. All day, my ass has been throbbing. I don’t feel like eating so rushing through the line doesn’t appeal to me.
In the cafeteria, I grab my tray, filling it with salad, rectangle pizza, and mixed fruit. I take a bottled water, and check out. Carrying my stuff, I look up to see Mitchell at a table alone, while the kids at the table beside him are loudly making fun of him as he practically shovels the food in his mouth.
On a sigh, I go to his table.
Setting my tray down, I slowly settle my ass to the bench, knowing every movement irritates the tears Butch caused yesterday. My stomach roils, and my chest tightens. However, I steady my breathing, not wanting to have to go to the nurse for my inhaler.
I think it’s bullshit that, even in high school, we have to have the nurse hold our medications. Not my place to fight the rules, though.
I pick up my fork, only to set it back down. My appetite that I didn’t have to begin with is totally gone. Instead of wasting the food, I slide the tray over to Mitchell, who looks up at me.
“I’m not hungry.”
He shakes his head. “Don’t pity me.”
“I don’t.” I really don’t. Honestly, I don’t know enough about Mitchell to feel sorry for him. How do I know that his life of no food and material things doesn’t leave him with a house of love and safety? Just because I have nice things and look like things are fine doesn’t mean they are. “I’m just not hungry. Thought you might want it.”
“So, we’re gonna be friends now?” He raises an eyebrow at me before biting into his pizza like it’s the last one on the planet.
I laugh. “Well, I wouldn’t say we’re enemies.”
“Eat your food, Avery.”
I shake my head. “I gotta watch my figure.”
It’s his turn to laugh. “Gonna have lunch with the bad boy while watchin’ your figure, huh?”
“Yeah, you can be the bad boy next-door.” I joke with him.
“And you’re gonna be what? The good girl next-door in skinny jeans?”
I huff, knowing my appearance is one many people in school make fun of me about, but with Mitchell, I don’t take offense to it. I don’t know why, but there is this unspoken thing between us. It has been there all year long, even without speaking.
“I’m far from the good girl. You’re the one watchin’ your figure so maybe it’s you.”
“Oh, of that I’m certain.” Mitchell smiles, and I relax, realizing my chest isn’t tight anymore. “I have the best hair to be a chick.”
Feeling like we’re bonding, I ask, “Now, you wanna eat my pizza and all this healthy shit so I don’t throw it in the trash?”
He slides his empty tray toward me and takes mine, pulling it toward him. “Thanks, Avery.”
“Thanks for what? You’re doing me a favor so I don’t feel like I tossed out a meal.”
As Mitchell scarfs down the food, I stop myself from telling him to slow down so he doesn’t choke. I don’t want him to think I am some mother hen.
“Thanks for not making me feel like a beggar. You’re good people, Avery Collins.”
I smile at him. “Not so bad yourself Mitchell Gates.”
“We’ll be misfits together.”
I nod before drinking my water. A pain shoots up my ass, and I tense, fighting the urge to spit water everywhere.
“You alright, Avery?” Mitchell asks, genuinely concerned.
“Yeah, just a sharp pain.”
He looks down at my now empty tray. “You needed to eat. I’m sorry, Avery. I can scrape up some change to get another tray.”
“No,” I say as my ass burns in a way it never did before. “It’s not that. I have a stomach ache. I think I need to go home.”
“Write down your address. I’ll get your classwork and bring it to you after school.”
I nod as the pain becomes too much for me to be able to speak.
Mitchell comes around the table and helps pull me to stand. He carries my backpack after tossing the trays in the trash. I follow him to the office where Ms. Mildred calls my mom.
When the bell rings, Mitchell Gates leaves me with a reminder he will get all of my work for me. Normally, I would pull out all the stops to keep someone from my house. Right now, the pain is too great to think it through. Besides, Mitchell is trying to do something nice.
The boy never pays attention in class, but somehow, the look in his eyes to help me tells me today he will. For me, he will.
***
Three hours later, my ass is in horrific pain. If I took a shit right now, I swear I would absolutely die.
When the doorbell rings, I slowly make my way to answer it. My mom picked me up from school and dropped me off at home before going back to work.
“Mitchell,” I greet, surprised.
“Brought your work,” He tells me, lifting his hand in the air, holding papers. His hair is wet and he has changed his clothes, telling me he took a shower in the locker rooms, probably in last period, skipping class to do so. I have a free period for my final class, so he wouldn’t need to worry with getting work for me.
“Thank you,” I tell him as a sharp pain hits me and I drop to my knees.
Mitchell moves inside behind me scooping me up under the shoulders and half-dragging me into the living room.
“Talk to me, Avery. I know we aren’t, like, friends really, but you’re obviously in pain.”
I shake my head frantically. He can’t know. I will never tell him.
That’s when it happens. The gush.
My pants suddenly feel soaked. Mitchell’s eyes go wild.
“Avery, Avery!” He panics as blood saturates the couch.
“Fuck,” I groan as the pain continues at a throb.
Mitchell runs around my house frantically. I hear the sound of water being turned on before he comes back and drags me off the couch before guiding me to the bathroom.
As I take off my clothes, I listen as he searches and eventually finds cleaner. I hear the spray of the foam and him cussing as he tries to scrub my mess.
When I step under the showerhead, the water burns as it hits my ass, causing me to cry out.
Mitchell rushes back in, pushing the shower curtain back. “What the hell is wrong, Avery?”
“Hemorrhoids,” I lie, and Mitchell seems to buy it, thank God.
“They make shit for that, I think,” he replies, sliding the curtain back in place to give me privacy again.
Biting back the urge to groan in pain, I wash up, watching as the water goes from bright red to tinged pink, to finally running clear before I get out.
In my room, I find Mitchell asleep on my bed. I get dressed as quietly as possible, letting him sleep.
Trying to avoid sitting down, I move into the living room, finding he cleaned the couch like I didn’t just bleed everywhere.
I never fit in at school. Friends are not something I have a ton of. In fact, I have none. Is this what it feels like to finally have someone with you?
Going into the kitchen, I pack a few snacks in a bag to send home with Mitchell as my way of saying thank you. Then, back in my bedroom, I open his bag to find a bunch of mixed up clothes, along with a busted deodorant, cigarette butts, a lighter, and a washcloth.
Quickly, not to wake him, I move to my bathroom and grab a few items. Adding to his bag, I give him four protein bars, some travel peanut butter cups my mom takes to work; a brand new still in the package toothbrush, toothpaste, a new deodorant, new bottle of shampoo, and a hair brush. Thank God my mom loves to coupon and has a stockpile of all this shit so none of it will be missed.
I finish up just as I hear the front door open.
I look to the clock. Fuck, it’s him.
Shaking Mitchell, he startles awake, I quickly cover my hand over his mouth. “Shh, don’t talk. My step-dad is home. He can’t know you’re here. Hide in my closet. No matter what you see, what you hear, don’t make a sound! He will kill you, Mitchell, and he’ll kill me, too.”
His eyes grow wide, but he doesn’t speak.
“Just hide please.”
As unpredictable as Butch is, I do the only thing I can think of to prevent Mitchell from being found – I leave my room.
I have been degraded. I have been abused. But I still have my pride, and I won’t have my first friend at fifteen watch my stepdad rape me. I will take whatever I have to from Butch, but it won’t ever be in front of Mitchell.
Blowing out a breath, I move into the kitchen to face the devil himself.
Chapter Eleven
~Mitchell~
Three Years Later
A very is all things good in such an ugly world. Thanks to Avery, I was able to graduate high school. I also got a shower and meal every afternoon after school. Laura, Avery’s mom, works for a pediatric oncologist. She is super nice and allows me to spend the night on the weekends. Sure, she doesn’t know I’m the homeless fuck that Avery dragged home, but she doesn’t need to know either.
Avery has many secrets Laura doesn’t know.
I offered to kill Butch, but Avery said that didn’t need to be on my conscience. I have never been a violent person, but knowing what Butch does to Avery, I would kill him. Life in prison would promise me three hot meals a day, a shower, and a cot which is more than I have had on my own. Until now that is.
Laura loves the sick fuck, though, and that creates the biggest problem of all.
I was sixteen the first time he raped me. It was one week ago that he had me last. If it means he gives Avery a break, then fine, rip my ass to shreds.
The things I know he has done and probably still does to Avery make me sick. The things he’s done to me, well, they make me want to kill him painfully slow.
Avery and I have saved up to get a place together. I got the job with Mobile Movers right after graduation, and Avery works at a furniture store painting custom pieces. We may not have friends, but we fucking have each other.
I finish up at work and head to Avery’s house. Since money is an issue, I ride a motorcycle. The gas and insurance are cheap as fuck. It’s not a Harley, but a used Suzuki Boulevard Cruiser. One day, I will have a Harley, but this will do until then.
Honestly, sometimes when the demons play games in my head the open road is the only thing to calm me down.
I want so badly to squeeze the very life out of Butch for what he’s done to Avery, to me, and to who knows who else. Only Laura, the woman is pure and all things good when we’re surrounded in so much bad. It would kill her to know the truth or for something to happen to Butch.
This woman has taken me in as her own. Hell, she even added me to their phone plan so she could check on me when I wasn’t at their house. Not long into my friendship with Avery, she was buying me clothes and shoes. Real materials of my own that actually fit. I didn’t know how to take it at first. Avery had to tell me over and over, this is what Laura wants for me and not to disappoint her by turning her down.
She wants to be a blessing to everyone. I see her as an angel.
Laura is excited for Avery and I to live together, but said she is sad we won’t be home with her as often. I wish I could tell her she is wrong, but she’s not. Avery and I will only be over there when Butch is away. This is our escape. We paid our dues, keeping quiet, and taking Butch’s shit, now we are finally free.
Avery is already ready with a big smile before signaling for me to go on to our new home. It’s a trailer. An old singlewide in the trailer park not far from Avery’s mom’s. It may not be big and grand, but it’s ours and it’s safe from Butch.
When we pull up, I feel relief, something I haven’t felt in a long time.
Since learning about what Avery lived through, I have always had this part of me that could never relax. When I wasn’t with Avery or putting myself in a situation for Butch to take me instead, I was always worried for my friend.
Avery and I have this connection. We come from two different worlds. The lack of home I had and the home Avery went to were both different kinds of hell.
We were both lost.
Both terrified.
Both determined to get the fuck out of our bad situations.
Avery’s mom always got the two of us to grow our hair out and donate it. I used to wonder why Avery’s hair would go from long to short and then Avery would put forth the effort into growing it back out just to cut it again. After Laura explained, I was happy to help as well.
She worked in a place that tormented a person’s soul. Day in and day out, she watched kids lose their hair to cancer treatments, and sometimes she watched them lose the battle. When our hair would get long enough, she would take us and pay for haircuts to donate the hair back to a program making wigs for children. Avery and I would both catch shit for growing our hair for a good cause, but we didn’t give a fuck.
Hair didn’t make me less of a man or more of man. The drive and determination to make better for myself and for Avery, that’s what made me a man.
Fuck anyone who dared to judge us.
Unloading Avery’s car, I find myself smiling as we settle in on the couch beside each other.
“We did it,” I say.
Avery smiles, then looks serious before a sigh escapes. “Mitchell, I know what you did for me.”
“Avery,” I warn.
The grown up in front of me isn’t super skinny like before. Now we have both filled out. I’m still short as fuck compared to most men, coming in at five-feet-eight-inches tall, but doing the work I do, I have gained some muscle. Eating regularly really helped, too. Avery, on the other hand, needed time for hormones to settle, never filling out, just growing taller. More than anything Avery has a voice and has a mental strength that wasn’t there before.
“Know you stepped in for me with Butch.”
“We are not talking about this,” I s
ay, to which Avery reaches out and cups my face. It’s something I knew Avery knew happened, just like I knew Butch raped Avery, too. However, we never talk about it. Today isn’t going to be the day we start either.
“Thank you, Mitchell. I know the pain, the … shame, and I just want to say thank you.”
“I’m in love with you, Avery.” I tell my best friend honestly, practically blurting it out. “I’ll do anything I can to protect you.”
“I don’t know what to do with you, Mitchell.” Avery looks away. “I don’t know what to do with this.”
The confliction. I know it well. I still don’t know what to do with it either.
“Love is love. It’s not about you being a dude, me being a dude. I don’t want any other dude.” I explain meaning every word of it. “And I’ve had pussy. You fuckin’ know this. I love pussy, but Avery, I fuckin’ love you. No one has ever cared about me until you. So, as we go into the world together, you need to know I fuckin’ love you. Whatever that means for now and forever, I just want you to know.”
“We’re doomed to fail,” Avery says what he always says about anything in his life.
Leaning forward, I boldly make my move. Cupping his face in my hands the same way he’s holding me, I press my lips to his. With my mouth to his, I feel him take a sharp intake of air. I use the opportunity to slip my tongue into his mouth.
There is nothing forbidden about the way I feel. There is nothing wrong with the way I know he feels. Society be damned, I love this man for all that he has overcome and all that he has yet to do in life.
Tentatively, Avery kisses me back. It’s soft, which is unexpected from a man. It’s kind, tender, which is exactly who Avery is, through and through.
We have both dated girls, fucked girls, and even shared girls, but this right here … this is us.
For the first time in my whole fucked up life, I feel like I got something right.
***
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