by Max Henry
I’m worse.
Belle rises from the sofa and walks toward her room, only to hesitate at the start of the hallway. “Thank you for tonight; for giving me that time to calm down.”
“I’m just glad it wasn’t your old man who found you.”
“Yeah.” She turns her head to match my gaze. “So was I.”
I should offer some words of wisdom… or she should walk away. One of us should do something to cut the cord, flick the switch off on whatever dim connection we have going here, yet neither of us do.
She swallows, her jaw lifting slightly as she does. I take a deep breath, mentally walking away to retrieve a bottle of water to take to bed with me, yet all I physically do is stay.
I can’t walk away—it doesn’t feel right, and I don’t know why.
It should feel nothing but natural, second nature to shut her off and wipe Belle from my thoughts. But I can’t look away from her, even as she drops her gaze and sucks in a deep breath herself, one hand on the other wrist as she slowly rubs it back and forth.
“What, Belle?” I ask quietly. “What else is on your mind?”
She chuckles, her lips tilting up on one side. “I… it’s nothing. I should just go to bed.”
“Yeah. Same.”
She takes a single step and then turns back to face me, her lips pressed in a thin line as though she’s resolved to say whatever comes next no matter the consequence. “You’re a great guy, Zeus. At first, I thought Jodie was stupid to let you go, but then I realised something.” Her chest heaves with her quick breath. “All she did was free you up for the person who appreciates you and loves you like you deserve. I guess she did you a favour.” Belle twitches a smile, her cheeks flushed rose pink as she turns away and heads for her room.
I stay rooted to the spot, watching the gentle sway of her hips as she pads barefoot down the hallway. She didn’t say it, didn’t voice it, but the panic in my chest confirms what was hidden between the lines of that last statement: she thinks she’s the one who can love and appreciate me.
Belle honestly believes that she could be what I deserve. And what’s even more twisted and fucked up is, I believe she could be right.
ELEVEN
Belle
The chill from the thick shake in my hand has my fingers numb by the time Kate steps through the automatic doors. She glances around, her gaze settling on where I sit on the bench seat in the middle of the mall, and smiles.
Maybe there is hope.
“Sorry I’m late.” She motions for me to stand with a jerk of her head as she approaches. “Brock had to help his dad with something before we left. He’s waiting in the car, so let’s make this quick, yeah?”
Maybe there isn’t.
I fall into step with her, frustrated that yet again she’s placed that fucking guy on the rung above me. “Thanks for coming.”
“I need to pick up some more moisturiser anyway, so no biggie.” She glances across as we head toward the chemist. “Talk to me. What happened?”
Looking at her, I feel every part the emotional wreck I am in that moment. She’s clearly stayed the night at Brock’s given the fact she wears the same clothes as last night, and yet if I hadn’t seen her yesterday to know, I wouldn’t have picked up on it. Her hair is still perfectly straight, her face stunning despite the lack of make-up, and she has this air about her. She’s glowing. Not a word I would have thought I’d use to describe my best friend, but there’s no other way to describe how her happiness seems to follow her like a sweet cloud of sugary goodness.
“I need to get the morning-after,” I whisper as I catch my reflection in the shop windows.
Dad was still asleep when I left, after having got in at some ungodly hour of the morning. Forty minutes in the shower, and I still can’t scrub the feeling of filth from my pores. The more I sobered up last night, the more it sunk in. I seriously considered stealing a bottle from Dad’s cupboard to reinstate the blissful numb that accompanies killing half your brain cells.
And yet I didn’t. One look at Zeus as he sat at the breakfast table and I wished I had.
“Jesus, Belle,” Kate hisses under her breath. “How could you be so careless?”
“It wasn’t me,” I whisper-yell in return, leaning in close as we walk. “He said he was gloved.”
“And you didn’t notice when he stuck it in that he wasn’t?”
I smile sheepishly at a guy who frowns on his way past us. “Keep it down.”
She’s hit the nail on the head, found the thing that makes me feel most stupid about the whole deal. How did I not know?
Because you’re young and inexperienced, that’s why.
And it’s that inadequacy that made me want to crawl under a rock when Zeus locked his gaze with mine and simply sighed. He didn’t say a damn thing; didn’t have to. He’s disappointed in me. Probably takes one look at me and can’t help but see a stupid young girl getting it on with an even stupider young guy.
I’m tainted. Used.
Undesirable.
No guy wants seconds, and when you’re trying to score a guy twenty years your senior then you best be bringing your A game.
Clearly, I’m not.
“I can’t believe you were so gullible, Belle.” Kate makes a clicking sound with her tongue as we near the chemist. “Did you see him put it on?”
“Yes. I mean, not really. I thought he did.”
She stops in the entrance to the shop, turning to face me. “Did you see his dick sheathed in rubber? It’s pretty simple, you know.”
I cock an eyebrow at her, stunned by this attitude. I get it—I was naïve to believe he would have enough respect to glove up and not be selfish. But shit, cut a newbie some slack, huh?
“What is your deal?”
“I can’t believe you’d be so stupid is all.” She flicks her hair and starts walking again, leading us through the aisles. “If you weren’t thorough enough to check, then no wonder you’re in this situation.”
“You’re blaming this on me,” I whisper as we pass an old lady selecting a heat rub.
“What was it you preached to me? Do you think this will make you fit in? Make you cool?” Kate slaps me with a scathing glare before sweeping around the end of the racking to pluck her moisturiser from the shelf. “Scott? Of all people? Didn’t you want it to mean something?”
It takes me a minute to retrieve my jaw from the floor and then set to work on my cracked heart. This girl is supposed to be on my side, telling me what I need to hear to make me feel better. I guess she’s got the whole tell-it-how-it-is trait nailed down, but shit.
What do I say when my answer involves the guy I really wanted to give it to being my dad’s best friend?
“Well, I guess we can’t all be you, right?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Her gaze narrows as she queues up behind some guy.
“Finding the perfect boy to fall in love with.” I glare at her, slamming my arms across my chest. “How was he, Kate? Was he special?”
Her nostrils flare as she simply stares at me a beat. “We didn’t go that far.”
“His parents have you in the spare room?” I cock an eyebrow, somewhat disbelieving after the way she went on about him last night.
“No.” The line shifts and she slams her purchase on the counter. “He had too much respect for me to go there on the first date.”
Ugh. I step back as she starts her transaction, and get flagged by the assistant at the next till over. “Can I help?”
All of two people stand behind us, and yet it could be a crowd of a thousand for how nervous I am in this moment. I set my hands on the counter and lean over to murmur, “I need the morning-after.”
The assistant nods, not a single muscle in her face shifting. This woman has mastered the art of indifference, but then again, she probably sees stupid young girls such as me all the time.
I sweat bullets as she turns and walks several steps to retrieve a box from the lower shelves behind the
counter. “Have you had this before?”
I shake my head, which in turn sets her off explaining how to take it and the side effects. I should be listening, but instead I’m focused on my friend as she takes her purchase and walks out of the store.
What the fuck? She’s left without a single word. Nothing.
“Any questions?”
I snap back to the pharmacy assistant and shake my head. I’m sure anything I missed will either be on the box or available care of Dr Google.
She rings the purchase up, and takes the better part of my fifty-dollar note Dad gave me for my birthday. I clutch the paper bag to my chest as I walk out and head to the supermarket to get a bottle of PowerAde and something sweet from the bakery to wash this down. The sooner the damn thing is in me, the sooner my stomach can stop turning at the thought of a tiny Scott running around.
I speed through my shopping in record time, intent on taking the pill at the mall. Yet as I step back out into the walkway, I’m overwhelmed by the hundreds of eyes around me as the weekend shopping hits peak hour. People stroll past, filling the floor space and the bench seats, all lost in their personal crusades, but I can’t shake the feeling that they all know. That if I take a seat and pull the packet from the chemist bag I may as well be waving a banner flag and flicking on a neon sign.
Privacy. I need privacy. My research on the pill last night said I have up to twenty-four hours to get it down before the effectiveness starts to wane, so I’ve got plenty of time left to get home.
Home.
Part of me considers the logistics of never having to leave the house again. I have no friends left—Kate made that clear—and no job to keep me busy now school is done. What reason do I have to do anything other than merely exist? A week in hibernation working on my sketches sounds like bliss after this weekend. A week to unwind and find myself again, because fuck knows I didn’t find her amongst the masses the last five years.
School’s out, motherfuckers—welcome to adulthood.
Where mistakes are made, and dreams are shattered.
Living the dream.
TWELVE
Zeus
Dark clouds gather on the horizon, dulling what was an enjoyable spring day. The loud clink of metal on glass tears my focus away from the approaching storm and back to Jodie.
“Are you listening?” Her perfectly drawn eyebrow arches as she leans back.
I focus on where she smacked the teaspoon against my beer glass and frown. “Sure.”
“What did I just say, then?”
Fuck. “That we’ll split the agent fees down the middle?”
She huffs, her ample chest heaving as she does. “After that, Zeus.”
I stare at the woman I once promised the rest of my life to and wonder how I could ever have been so stupid. Dating her in school had been an accomplishment of sorts, considering she was one of the rich, popular girls, and I was… well, the poor half-caste from the wrong end of town.
But pretty girls love bad boys, and a bad boy was all I was. No entry-level scores for my exams, no perfect attendance. Just a few thousand in my back pocket from the shit I’d stolen and hocked off at the traders downtown, and an entitled attitude that no level of authority could heel.
“You’ll have to remind me.” I lean back and spread my legs wide beneath the table.
I don’t miss the way Jodie’s eyes track the shape of my shoulders before she answers. “I said I’d list it as negotiable over four-twenty.”
“Sounds fair enough.” Last valuation had our house at three-ninety, so whatever she can get over that is more money in my back pocket once we divide the profit.
“Veronica, the agent, has the papers drafted awaiting the price, so I can get them from her for you to sign tomorrow.”
I nod, already disinterested in the conversation again. Yet the more amicable this split is, the less it’ll cost me in lawyer’s fees—money I don’t have right now. I shift my gaze to the clouds again, thinking how they look the same as the rain storm that hit the day I spoke to Belle out the back of John’s when Cerise left: black and foreboding.
Belle loves storms. Always has.
Even at age five she’d tug on my arm and beg me to turn all the lights off to sit in the dark and watch the lightning with her. John and Cerise would leave us to it, probably thankful for the break. I loved those afternoons. I’d almost go as far as to say I miss them.
“You’re not listening again, are you?”
“I think we’ve covered everything we have to.”
Jodie’s eyes narrow as she lifts her purse. “I asked where I could find you so I know where to bring your copy of the documents.”
“I’ll come see you.”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” She pulls lipstick and a compact out, her brow furrowed.
“Let me guess.” I can’t keep the twitch from my eye as I stare down this harlot. “You’re at his house now.”
“I told you he asked me to move in.” She smacks her lips, the look in her eyes fire.
“Yeah, you did, but I thought you’d have more decency than to jump ship before our bed was even cold.”
“Don’t fool yourself, Zeus.” The scrape of her chair on the pavement is as angry as her words. “Our bed was cold months ago.”
“And who’s fault would that be?” I show indifference to her tantrum by refusing to move, spread out on my seat still.
Her chest heaves once, twice, before the brutality of her words punches a fist into my chest and rips my heart out. “We’re trying for a baby.” The victory shines in her eyes. “You know, that thing you could never give me.”
Bitch is lucky we’re in public. I’ve never hit a woman, but goddamn she makes me want to start.
“Go play happy families, Jodie. I’m at John’s when you’ve got the paperwork ready for me.” Sooner we get this shit tied up and finished, the better.
I push to my feet and make it as far as swiping my keys from the table before she digs her talons in that extra inch.
“John’s? How’s that working out for you, sharing the same roof as his melodramatic bitch of a daughter?”
“Say something else about Belle,” I threaten with a finger pointed her way. “And see what happens.”
Her freshly painted lips curl up on one side. “A bit on the defensive side, aren’t you?”
“Sick of this shit, is all.”
She huffs, slinging the strap of her purse over her shoulder. “Admit it: drama follows that wee madam everywhere. He spoiled her after Cerise walked out and made a rod for his own back.”
“He hardly spoiled her.” He barely had two coins to rub together at the end of the week. If anything, he sacrificed to make sure she didn’t go without. John never lost his physical size because he stopped working out with me, he lost it because he couldn’t afford to maintain it anymore. Shit, some weeks he only ate because of the help I gave him.
“You’re as delusional as he is.” Jodie shakes her head. “Just make sure she doesn’t try to manipulate you as well. Last thing you need is that little leech sucking you dry.”
I scoff as I march past her. “No, Jodie. Not when you’re doing such a great job of that all on your own.”
Her response doesn’t reach my ears, the words lost in the distance between us as I stride out to the parking lot and drop into the GTO. My heart thunders in my chest, the words she spoke about Belle fuel for the fire I keep dampened inside.
I have a tendency to become violent when provoked, especially when it comes to the people I care about. Hell, one look at the reason I was sent inside proves that. But I’ve spent years with the custodial therapist working on keeping my fists to myself and resolving issues with words. Fucked if one jaded ex-wife will be the reason why that changes.
My pulse continues to throb fat and heavy in my neck as I drive back to John’s. The more I try to calm myself, the more wound up I become. Yet strangely my frustration doesn’t have me craving the usual outlet for my ang
er. A session with the bag at the gym, a few swings of the hammer onto the tyre, and my mood eases. Not today. The more I run what Jodie said through my mind, the more I wonder if that’s how everyone views Belle, and why she gets a hard time. The more I want to hold her and tell her I don’t think that way at all.
Inappropriate, Zeus. Totally not what I need to do to ease this pressure coiled tight in my chest.
She came to me in confidence on Friday night, and what did I do? I brushed her aside and discounted how she felt, all to save how I felt. I did the same as every other fucking person in her life—everyone except her father. And yet, she won’t talk to him. Why?
I park the car in John’s driveway and wander toward the house in a daze, my thoughts still so tangled in Belle that I don’t notice John at the door until he almost bowls me over in his effort to look behind me.
“She’s not with you?”
“Should she be?” The panicked look in his eye sets my racing heart back where it left off.
He turns and storms inside the house, leaving me to follow. “She wasn’t here when I got up.”
“She went to the shops, man.”
His shoulders sag as his face relaxes. “Of course.”
I slap a hand on his shoulder and smile. “Beer?”
“I think so.” He drags a hand over his face as I head for the fridge. “I guess I’m a little on edge.”
“You don’t say.” I uncap the bottle and hand it over. “Why?”
He slumps into a seat at the dining table and looks up at me with nothing short of apprehension.
“What have you done?”
“It’s not what I’ve done,” he says. “It’s what I’m about to do.”
I lean back against the counter and open a bottle of water. “Which is?”
“I got a phone call a few months ago.” He chews the inside of his cheek before continuing. “Cerise.”
“Fuck off.” My jaw sets to stone. That bitch ruined him. Nothing she could have to say would be worth it.
“She wanted to see me, to hear about Belle.”
