Anthony ignored her. Helen marched back into the kitchen and flung the dirty crockery into the sink. She slammed the press doors as she got clean cups and saucers to set the table for breakfast. The old familiar niggle of pain in her ovaries twinged and she scowled. That was a sure sign her period was imminent. Maybe if her husband spent more time at home making love to her and less time worrying about his business affairs she might have been pregnant long ago. If only he’d go for those tests that she was always at him to have. At least she’d know then whether it was her fault they couldn’t have children. There was little likelihood of her conceiving in the foreseeable future. Anthony hadn’t been able to get an erection the last two times they’d tried to make love. And now, when she made a move, he made an excuse.
He wouldn’t even talk about it. That was the thing that hurt most of all. She knew he blamed her. Helen just knew it. But there was nothing she could do about it. When they went to bed, her husband stayed on his side. For all the contact between them, they might as well have been separated by the Atlantic Ocean.
She tossed and turned, wondering why he’d been so touchy. He was very considerate towards his secretary. But why make such a song and dance about an innocent remark? She thought about what her mother-in-law had said. How the hell did Stephanie know that Molly was sweet and understanding unless Anthony had told her so? And why would Anthony be going around saying such things to his mother?
Two days later, Anthony arrived in from work, a grim set to his jaw.
‘Helen, there’s something I have to tell you. I can’t put it off any longer. I’m leaving you. I’m going to live with Molly. We’ve been having a relationship for some time and I want to be with her all the time. I’m sorry. I can’t stand this any more.’
Helen’s mind reeled. Was she imagining it or had her husband just told her that he was having an affair with his secretary? That he wanted to leave her? She was having a nightmare. She must be.
‘What!’
‘You heard, Helen,’ Anthony muttered.
‘How long has this been going on?’ She was stunned.
‘What difference does it make?’ he said wearily. ‘I can’t live with you any more, Helen. I can’t take the nagging. The hassle and resentment every time you get your period. Have you any idea what it’s like to be expected to make love just because it’s the right time of the month? I just don’t want to make love to you any more. It’s an ordeal, Helen. A bloody ordeal!’ He glared at her and she could see that he was really angry. ‘Do you know something, Helen? This obsession of yours about having a child has destroyed our marriage. I tried to give you everything. But it means nothing to you. How do you think I feel every time you come home from Maura’s and you keep going on and on about what a dote Paula is? About how lucky Maura is to have six children? How the hell do you think that makes me feel? Have you any idea?’ he raged with pent-up fury that was unleashed with all the force of a damburst.
‘But Anthony—’ she protested but he held up his hand to stop her.
‘I don’t want to hear, Helen. I’ve had it. There’s nothing that you can say that’ll make me change my mind. Molly’s a loving gentle person. Like you were when I married you first. She doesn’t make demands on me. She accepts me for who and what I am. I want to be with her. I find peace when I’m with her,’ he said quietly. His tone of voice told her he was serious. She had lost him.
‘You know something, Helen?’ He jammed his hands in his pockets and stared out the kitchen window. ‘My mother emasculated me and always has done. And so have you! Well I’ve had enough of it. Had enough of women and their emotional bullying. I’m never letting a woman do that to me again.’
In the darkness of her bedroom, Helen lay wide-eyed replaying that traumatic evening as she’d done every night since he left.
‘I’m not a nag. I’m not a bully,’ she whispered as tears trickled down the side of her cheeks and she started to sob. ‘All I wanted was a baby. I had the tests done and there was nothing wrong. Why couldn’t you have had them too, you bastard? Why did you let me take the blame for it?’ A sliver of light sliced the darkness.
‘Are you all right, Helen?’ Paula whispered. And then her niece slid into bed beside her and put her arms around her. ‘Don’t cry, Helen. It’s going to get better,’ she said comfortingly.
‘It’s better already, having you here, darling,’ Helen said gratefully, squeezing Paula’s hand. ‘I don’t know what I’d do without you.’
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Paula lay on the bed, took a deep breath and pulled in her stomach. ‘Jenny, give us a hand here, will you?’ she asked her friend, who was applying eyeshadow at the pretty kidney-shaped dressing-table. Paula had bought a brand-new pair of Falmers jeans and was having difficulty with the zip. Between them they got the zip up. Paula eased herself off the bed and bent and stretched to loosen the skin-tight jeans. She was in great form. This was going to be her first night out with the girls since June.
It was wonderful to have two such good friends as Jenny and Beth. They had all really clicked. Paula had settled in very well at school. She, Jenny and Beth became firm friends. She’d been invited to their houses and she’d met their families. They had a lot in common. Paula had had to share a bedroom with her sisters, just like Jenny and Beth. They all had to do plenty of housework, although compared to what it was like at home, and what her two friends had to do, Paula got off very lightly at Helen’s.
They both thought she was really lucky to have a lovely room to herself, where she could play her records, study and relax and entertain her friends. That was the height of luxury to them. It was so much more peaceful in Helen’s house. They’d both slipped into the habit of coming down to Paula’s, rather than her going to their houses. Helen was delighted that Paula had made nice friends and always made the girls more than welcome.
It felt like having two extra sisters, Paula thought happily as she watched the girls getting ready to go out. Beth wasn’t long out of hospital after another operation and she was raring to go. They were going to Mick’s, the local disco, and then Sandra O’Reilly was having a party because she had a free house, so they were going to go on to that.
It was great to be back in Dublin, Paula mused as she brushed her shiny blond hair. It was hard to believe that she’d been here a year now. Everything had worked out very well. She’d gone home to St Margaret’s Bay for the summer holidays and worked in the hotel. She would have preferred to spend some of the summer in Dublin. But Helen had pointed out that her parents would expect her to spend her holidays with them. They wanted her to be at home, it would be hurtful if Paula insisted on staying in the city.
It had been nice to be at home. Everyone had made a fuss of her. All her old friends had been dying to hear about life in the big smoke. Apart from Monica Boyle, of course, who had made sneering sarcastic remarks about the city not being all it was cracked up to be. Paula’d had no difficulty getting her job back in the hotel. But Monica hadn’t been taken back.
Paula met Conor at home too. He’d been dying to start dating her again and had reproached her vigorously for not keeping in touch, especially when she too was living in Dublin. They could have seen each other often, especially when they’d slept together once. Conor had never understood why Paula had dropped him like a hot potato. It had been a huge shock to him. Why? he asked her again and again. All Paula ever said was, ‘I think it’s for the best, that’s all, Conor.’
Paula had one big fault, she knew it herself. She could never forgive someone who let her down. It was a flaw in her character, but that’s the way she was. She always held a grudge. Conor had let her down badly. It had changed things, and she no longer respected him. Besides, she was meeting loads of fellas at the discos she went to with Jenny and Beth. If you were going with someone you couldn’t play the field and flirt and have fun with other blokes when you were out, she reasoned. Paula didn’t want to start going steady again. It had been different when she lived
at home. Going with someone was of the utmost importance in the village. And the fact that Conor had often been allowed to borrow his father’s car was a huge bonus if you wanted to go into Waterford to the pictures or for a meal. But in Dublin you didn’t need a fella with a car. You could just hop on a bus and go into town any time you felt like it. It was a real liberation.
Not that she was gadding about all the time. Paula knew she had to work hard. If her school reports slipped, she’d be back home to St Margaret’s Bay in the wink of an eye. Paula had no illusions about that. That had been the agreement and she intended to keep it. Where her education was concerned, her parents would stand for no nonsense. Pete and Maura were very pleased with her school work so far. Her Christmas report had been excellent and Paula felt confident about her Inter Cert exam, she’d assured them.
Her confidence had been justified. Her results came last week and she’d got eight honours.
That was another reason why she was looking forward to the night out. Jennifer had done well also and both of them were going to really let off steam and relax now that the long wait for the results was over.
‘Quick, look,’ Beth exclaimed. ‘Green Car is hanging out his shirts.’ She was standing at the bedroom window having a gawk out.
Paula and Jennifer rushed over to join her. ‘His name is Brendan, I think,’ Paula murmured as the three of them ogled the fine thing in the adjoining back garden. ‘But wait until I tell you the bad news. They’ll all be leaving at the end of the month because the landlord is coming back from abroad to live there. The nice one told Helen.’
There was a chorus of dismay as Jennifer and Beth digested this piece of information. Observing the talent next door had occupied many pleasant hours over the months since they’d all become friends. They had christened the three detectives Green Car, Blue Car and Grey Car, for the colours of the cars they owned. In spite of Paula’s best efforts, she knew no more about her three neighbours than what Helen had told her when she’d first come to live there. All she ever got out of them was a ‘Hello,’ or a ‘Howya’ as they went in and out of the house. They didn’t have nine to five hours so it was hard to keep track of them. Nevertheless, through constant observation, they had ascertained that Grey Car was dating a nurse. This was not considered a great tragedy, however, as he wasn’t that good-looking. Blue Car was into hurling and was the friendliest of the trio. He might say ‘How’s it going?’ or ‘Great day today,’ rather than the more monosyllabic greetings of his colleagues.
It was Green Car who aroused the most intense interest and curiosity in the trio. He was extremely good-looking in a tall dark and handsome way, and he had a brooding taciturn air that was immensely challenging. Jennifer maintained he would have made a great Heathcliff. They didn’t know if he was dating anyone, but he went out every Friday and Saturday night, looking spruce in casual clothes. Paula had never seen him bring home a girlfriend as the other pair did and so she nursed a secret hope that there was no-one steady on the scene.
‘He’s got great muscles, hasn’t he?’ Beth said approvingly. The detective was wearing a white T-shirt that showed off his fit and lean physique. ‘He looks a bit like Robert De Niro.’
‘Hmmm,’ agreed Paula. ‘I wouldn’t mind spending a night in his bed, I can tell you.’
‘Do you believe Eilis McNally has slept with her boyfriend or would you say she’s only spoofing?’ Jennifer asked, craning her neck to get a better look at the Adonis below.
‘Don’t mind her,’ Beth expostulated. ‘She’s the biggest spoofer going. She just likes everyone to think she’s a woman of the world, mixing with the glitterati in RTE.’
‘I wouldn’t think anyone in our class has done it. Would you?’ Jenny turned to Paula. Paula looked at her friend quizzically. There was something endearingly innocent about Jenny. She wondered if she’d be shocked if she told her she’d slept with Conor.
‘I wouldn’t say Eilis has—’
‘Who’d want to sleep with her with her frizzy red hair and her big bug-eyes? It’s a wonder her fella ever gets a chance to kiss her. She never stops bragging and pontificating,’ interjected Beth, who detested Eilis McNally. Eilis never lost the opportunity to make a sly dig at Beth because she’d had to stay back a year.
‘What are you doing in a fourth year classroom?’ Eilis would say, pretending to joke. ‘Go back down to third year where you belong.’ The trouble with Eilis was that she was mad jealous of the three of them because they’d become such friends.
‘Don’t be so pass-remarkable, Beth,’ giggled Jennifer. ‘She’s not that bad-looking. Why do you think Eilis hasn’t done it, Paula?’
‘Because her boyfriend’s not that pushed about her. Just watch them when they’re together. She’s real possessive. She wraps herself around him and he just doesn’t like it, he’s always wriggling away. If you ask me, I think he’s more interested in his career prospects. He’s got his eyes set on RTE, where her da works.’
‘How do you know?’ Jennifer was mystified.
‘He told me,’ Paula said airily.
‘When?’
‘Do you remember that disco we went to in Belvedere at Easter? Most of the class were there and so was Eilis. She was off in the loo doing a job on her make-up and Anne Gleeson introduced me to him. He told me he was interested in being a sound engineer and he was hoping Mr McNally might be able to help him get a job in RTE when he’s finished studying. Eilis wasn’t too pleased when she came back. I think she thought I was trying to chat him up.’ Paula laughed.
‘As if you’d want to chat him up, and you with fellas falling all over you.’ Beth snorted. ‘I wonder has Jane Daly done it?’
‘I’d say she has,’ Jennifer said. ‘She’s crazy about Frank, they’ve been going together since first year. I wouldn’t have the nerve to sleep with a fella, would you?’
‘Naw!’ Beth said glumly. ‘Look at my sister getting pregnant when she was only sixteen. The hassle it caused at home. I’d be petrified I’d get preggers.’ She turned to Paula. ‘Would you do it?’
Paula gave a little smile. ‘Actually I’ve done it,’ she admitted. Beth and Jennifer stared at her wide-eyed.
‘Have you? What was it like?’
‘Weren’t you scared of getting pregnant?’
Paula laughed at the faces of them. They looked somewhat shocked.
‘I’ll tell you one thing, girls, it isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, that’s for sure.’
‘Isn’t it?’ Beth was disappointed.
‘Well of course, I only did it the once,’ Paula admitted. ‘I was so unimpressed I didn’t go for a repeat performance.’
‘Did it hurt?’ Jennifer was curious. Paula wrinkled her nose as she tried to remember.
‘I can’t really remember, it all happened so fast, to be honest.’
‘They say once you’ve had it, you can’t live without it,’ Beth remarked. ‘Do you find you’re always thinking about it?’
‘Oh Beth.’ Paula had to laugh. ‘Mind, when you see the likes of him down there you can’t help but . . .’
‘I wish I had your nerve,’ Beth said admiringly. ‘Did you use a johnny?’
Paula shook her head. ‘No, I made sure it was the safe time of the month. I was very careful, there’s no point in taking risks.’
‘Well it looks as if I’ll die wondering unless a fella asks me to marry him,’ Beth said glumly. ‘The way things are at home with my sister and the baby, Ma doesn’t even like me going to discos.’
‘Would you say Brenda ever did it with that guy she was going with?’ Paula cast an inquisitive eye at Jenny.
Jennifer shrugged her shoulders. ‘She never let on to me. But I heard her once saying to Eddie that “it” hadn’t arrived yet and she went around looking awfully worried. I didn’t dare ask her though, you know Brenda, she’d take the nose off you.’
‘Hmmm,’ Paula agreed. Although she wouldn’t say it to Jenny in a million years, she just couldn’t take to Bre
nda at all. Brenda treated Jenny like a little slave. She expected her to run around after her. Jenny had to go to the shops for Brenda’s goodies when she was on a binge. Brenda had Jenny doing her ironing. There’d be a mega-huff if Jenny refused. Paula had seen it happen. If Brenda was her sister, there’d be ructions. Paula wouldn’t take that crap from anyone. She had a feeling too that Brenda didn’t particularly like her. Whenever Paula was in Jenny’s house, Brenda treated her very offhandedly. It didn’t particularly bother Paula, the less she had to do with Brenda the better it suited her.
‘We’d want to hurry on,’ Jennifer declared.
‘I’m all ready.’ Paula made a final check in the mirror. The jeans looked terrific, and the cerise silky shirt looked casually elegant. Her long blond hair fell over her shoulders like a curtain of gold. Her eyes were bright and clear, her face lightly tanned and glowing after a summer spent in St Margaret’s Bay. It was great being able to buy her own clothes. That summer job was a godsend. She’d made a lot of extra money in tips. Since Helen’s separation, her aunt wasn’t able to treat her as lavishly as she’d done when Paula was a child. Not that Paula minded, she liked being independent. It was a thrill buying stuff with money she’d earned herself.
‘Have a good time, girls.’ Helen smiled at them as they all trooped down the stairs. ‘Don’t be too late coming in. I’ll leave some ham sandwiches out for you.’
‘We won’t, Helen.’ Paula gave her aunt an affectionate hug. ‘And thanks for the sangers.’
‘Thanks for having us stay, Mrs Larkin,’ Jennifer said politely.
‘Yes thanks,’ echoed Beth.
‘You’re welcome. I won’t be expecting you up before lunch-time.’ Helen held the door open for them.
‘You’re dead lucky with your aunt, Paula,’ Jennifer said enviously as the girls walked down the garden path. ‘There’s no way I’d be allowed stay in bed until lunch-time at home on a Saturday morning.’
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