Dance Academy Learning to Fly

by Meredith Costain

  I run into Christian outside the studio. ‘Ready for our pas de deux exam?’ I ask him, warming up with a series of leg stretches against the wall.

  He nods, then raises an eyebrow. ‘So,’ he smirks. ‘You and Lieberman, eh?’

  I sigh. How do these things always get around so quickly? ‘Nothing happened,’ I tell him. ‘As you may recall, I’m the oldest kissing virgin in the world. That still hasn’t changed.’

  Christian shakes his head. ‘Training bra, why do you always make things so complicated?’

  ‘Are you kidding? It’s a minefield.’

  Christian smiles. ‘When you’re kissing the right person, it’s always simple,’ he explains.

  I stare at him as light bulbs flash above my head. For once he’s said something that makes sense.

  ‘I’ll see you in there,’ I say, then dash off down the stairs to find Ethan. I finally find him down by the wharf, deep in thought.

  He looks up as he sees me coming, his face tight. ‘Look, Tara,’ he begins. ‘There’s nothing to talk about.’

  He’s right. This isn’t the time for talking about things. Before I can lose my nerve, I grab his hand, pull him towards me and kiss him squarely on the mouth. Then I pull back, grinning.

  ‘I just kissed you,’ I announce.

  Ethan’s eyes are soft. ‘I noticed. But what about …’

  ‘Sammy was a practice,’ I explain. ‘I didn’t want you to know that I’ve never done it before. I wanted it to be right, and I wasn’t sure I was ready.’

  ‘And now you’re sure?’

  I kiss him again, to prove my point. ‘Yes. So how am I doing? Out of ten?’

  Instead of answering Ethan draws me in close and suddenly we’re kissing. Really kissing. And nothing else seems to exist.

  I think I have a boyfriend!

  CHAPTER 13

  It’s funny, but all I see when I look in the mirror lately is a collage of different body parts. I’m not a person. I’m a hip that needs to be turned out, or an arm which could be better supported, or a mouth that’s been kissed. So I’ve started playing this game where I try to catch my reflection by surprise, to see if I recognise the girl staring back at me.

  I think that your family is probably the best mirror. They know you better than anyone, and you can always count on them to stay the same. These last few months at the Academy are the longest I’ve ever been away from my parents. I wonder what they’ll see and how they’ll think I’ve changed. More importantly, what will they think about the fact that I’ve now got a boyfriend? I didn’t tell them about Ethan till just before they left for the city this morning.

  I stand on the footpath outside the boarding house, on the lookout for Dad’s ute, as everyone else’s parents arrive for a weekend of dance activities before they take us home for semester break. Sammy’s mum arrives first–without his dad. He was too ‘busy’ with patients at the hospital to make it, she tells him. My heart goes out to him as I watch his face fall. Then Sean’s mum arrives. Then Kat’s is making an entrance in a shiny new sports car.

  Not Abigail’s though. Sammy’s fears that she’d been pushing herself too hard in pursuit of the ‘perfect ballerina body’ were sadly proved correct. She finally collapsed from exhaustion during her pas de deux exam and is still recovering at home. I feel guilty that I didn’t pick up on the warning signs – skipping meals, over-exercising, stressing about her weight–before things went too far.

  I finally see our dusty old ute chugging its way up the hill.

  ‘Mum! Dad!’ I call, flinging myself at them as soon as the doors open.

  ‘Tara Banana!’ Dad shouts, pulling me into a bear hug.

  I can’t wait to take them around, to show them my world.

  After sitting in on Miss Raine’s and Patrick’s classes with the rest of the proud parents, I take Mum and Dad down to the outdoor café on the wharf for lunch. It’s the perfect opportunity for them to get to know Ethan.

  ‘I still can’t believe you guys are here,’ I say, smiling across the table at them. As soon as Ethan appears I wave him over. ‘Mum, Dad,’ I say shyly. ‘This is Ethan.’

  ‘It’s crazy,’ he says to my mother, turning on the famous Ethan charm. ‘You two have exactly the same smile.’

  She blushes.

  Ethan holds out his hand to my father. ‘Neil, heard so much about you.’

  Dad shakes hands with him grudgingly. ‘Mr Webster to you,’ he mutters, still grumpy about the fact that I’ve got myself a boyfriend without his permission. I’m almost sixteen, for goodness sake. I’m not the little girl who played in the haystack on the farm any more.

  Mum smiles, eager to lighten the mood. ‘We’ve got an appointment in town,’ she tells us, ‘so we’ll miss your afternoon classes.’

  I wince as she pulls a packet of homemade rolls out of our esky and begins to share them around. Why couldn’t we just order a meal from the café, like everyone else?

  ‘Uh huh,’ I say carefully.

  ‘Your father wants to take you and your friends out to tea tonight,’ Mum goes on. ‘Do you think that’s all right?’

  ‘Yeah, sounds great!’ I lie. Kat’s mum’s already offered to take us all out for dinner at a fancy restaurant, but I don’t want to hurt my parents’ feelings.

  Meanwhile, Ethan is really struggling to make conversation with Dad. I tune in to find Dad giving him a hard time over whingeing about all the rain we’ve been having, as though rain could ever be a bad thing. I send a pleading look to Mum to step in before he bites Ethan’s head off for being a ‘city boy’.

  ‘I think we left the thermos in the car,’ she announces brightly, looking meaningfully at Dad.

  ‘We can always order drinks here,’ I assure them. Why are they being so stingy about paying for food?

  Dad’s already on his feet. ‘Don’t worry, Jan, I’m on my way,’ he tells Mum. ‘We know all about your city prices,’ he adds, glowering at Ethan.

  Thanks, Dad, I think, glancing around to make sure nobody else heard him. Why does he have to act like a ‘country hick’ all of a sudden?

  In the end we didn’t take up Dad’s offer to shout us a meal at the steakhouse. Ethan and I made up an excuse about being too tired to go out, but later we did end up going with Natasha to the fancy restaurant. When I see the light on in my room, I’m surprised to find my mum inside, folding and putting away my washing.

  ‘You look nice, darling,’ Mum tells me as I walk in.

  ‘We decided to go out after all,’ I tell her, a knot of guilt twisting my stomach. ‘It was a spur-of-the-moment thing.’

  Mum nods, continuing to sort my washing into piles. I can tell she doesn’t believe me.

  ‘I can do that,’ I say quickly, grabbing a pile of tights from her.

  But Mum keeps fussing around, straightening things that are already straight. ‘Our meeting today was at the bank,’ she tells me. ‘We’ve been trying to refinance one of the loans but they’re just not taking risks at the moment.’

  My gut twists again as the meaning of her words sinks in.

  ‘So … are we losing the farm?’

  Mum gives me a quick smile. ‘Oh, no. It won’t come to that. If wool prices go up, we should be fine. But every cent’s tight.’

  ‘I can get a job,’ I announce brightly, eager to help out. ‘On Sundays I think.’

  Mum smiles. ‘I’m not sure that’s going to cover it, sweetie.’

  I bite my lip. ‘Then what can I do to help?’ I say, nervous about what might be coming next.

  Mum wrings her hands. ‘Look, I’d be lying if I didn’t say having you here wasn’t expensive. I mean, the boarding fees, and the shoes and leotards. It all adds up.’

  ‘No,’ I blurt, horrified.

  ‘Let me finish,’ Mum pleads.

  ‘No! Mum, this is me. This is my dream!

  Mum’s voice softens. ‘I know it is, sweetie. And I want you to have that.’ She runs her fingers through her hair and sits down on th
e edge of my bed. ‘I’m just trying to juggle a few dreams right now.’

  I join her, my face ashen.

  Mum gives me a searching look. ‘Would it honestly be the end of the world if you deferred until next year? Just until we can work things out.’

  So this is it, then. ‘What does Dad say?’ I ask quietly.

  ‘He doesn’t want you to know. He’s so proud you’re here. It’s all he talks about.’

  I know that he is. I hear it in his voice, every time he calls me, and I see it in the letters he writes me. It makes what I know has to happen next all the harder.

  ‘You can’t ask me to do this, Mum,’ I beg, even though there’s no point.

  Mum sighs, her shoulders drooping. ‘I’m not asking you to do anything, honey, except consider it.’

  I’m standing at the side of the studio with the rest of the first years, waiting for Sammy to finish his solo performance for the parents. He’s so fluid it’s amazing. At the end there’s a burst of applause. I change places with him as Miss Raine announces my act. I’ve chosen to do the same solo from The Ugly Duckling I danced in audition week: the part where the awkward duck leaves her past behind forever as she changes into a graceful swan.

  Sammy high-fives me as we pass each other. ‘Kill it,’ he whispers. ‘Roast the duck.’

  The music starts and I’m dancing, arching my back and fluttering my arms as I move through the introductory steps. I risk a glance out into the audience and meet my parents’ eyes: Mum’s soft and encouraging, Dad’s overflowing with pride. The music swells and I take off with it, twisting and turning, dancing like I’ve never danced before, blocking out the ugly realisation that this might be my last chance to dance in this room.

  After the show, I bump into Kat in the corridor, dressed in street clothes.

  ‘Hi,’ she says breezily. ‘Was it gruesome?’

  ‘What?’ I ask, my head still swirling with Mum’s news.

  ‘I skipped my solo,’ she tells me. ‘All of a sudden I just couldn’t be bothered.’

  Is she serious? She couldn’t be bothered?

  ‘No one said anything,’ I say, my voice as dull as I feel inside.

  Kat waves a gold credit card at me. ‘Well, I need some retail therapy and Natasha needs to see the bill, so do you feel like giving this little baby a workout?’

  I stare at her, angry now. ‘You know what, Kat? A lot of people would give anything to be here and have what you have. It’s getting really old how you just take it for granted.’

  I storm off down the corridor, tears pricking my eyes.

  It’s the end of a long day. Most of the parents have already gone home. I scan Dad’s face as he carries a take-away pizza into the common room. He seems carefree and upbeat, but I also know how good he is at hiding his real feelings.

  ‘Sorry we couldn’t have splashed out a bit more,’ he apologises. ‘A steakhouse or something.’

  ‘Dad, this is fine,’ I reassure him, grabbing some plates from the kitchen. ‘Do you know how much they charge at those places?’

  He shakes his head. ‘Yeah, it’s not like home, is it?’

  I hide in the kitchen for a moment, collecting my thoughts. Then I go back in, my heart racing. ‘Actually,’ I begin, keeping my voice casual, ‘that’s something I want to talk to you guys about. Having you here has kind of made me realise how much I’m missing everything.’

  Dad stares at me. ‘What? You love it here! What’s the matter, princess? Is someone giving you a hard time?’

  Mum bites her lip. ‘Look, Neil, I–’

  ‘It’s nothing like that,’ I jump in before Mum can say anything else. ‘I think I just loved the idea of this place,’ I add softly, doing my best to make my voice sound convincing. ‘But being here, all the time, it isn’t me.’ I force myself to smile. ‘If I go home it’s not like I have to stop dancing altogether. I can still do it a couple of times a week.’

  Dad shakes his head, confused. ‘I’m not sure what to think about this.’

  ‘Tough,’ I say, meeting Mum’s eyes. She looks down at the table, broken but relieved at the same time. ‘Because I’ve made up my mind.’

  My next task is to talk to Miss Raine. I find her in the studio, methodically packing things away, ready for the holidays.

  ‘Miss Raine?’ I say, trying valiantly to keep the wobble out of my voice.

  Her face breaks into a warm smile. ‘Tara!’ she cries. ‘I was just coming to look for you. I have something you might like.’

  She fiddles around in a cardboard box for a bit and pulls out my precious pointe shoes.

  ‘I said I’d give these back to you when you were ready,’ she explains, passing them to me.

  ‘Thank you,’ I say, struggling to keep my voice steady. ‘For everything. But I’ve come to let you know that I’m not going to be here next semester. I’m going home.’ I bite my lip. ‘Some things are just … more important.’

  Miss Raine’s eyes narrow. ‘Than ballet,’ she says evenly.

  I nod.

  ‘Well,’ she sniffs, ‘if you believe that, you obviously don’t belong here.’

  I wring my hands. How do I explain this to a woman who’s dedicated her life to training others at the expense of her own career?

  ‘Look,’ I say quietly, ‘I know I need this place to become a professional. But I don’t need it to dance. And if I truly love it, that should be enough.’

  Miss Raine looks away, her face set.

  ‘And besides,’ I say, stroking my beloved pointe shoes, ‘I don’t think I’d be a very good dancer if I didn’t like myself as a person.’

  I thank her and walk away from the studio–and my life at the Academy–forever.

  CHAPTER 14

  The only thing left to do now is pack. I move around the room, pulling photos and posters from the walls, determined not to cry. I carefully place a happy snap of me, Kat and Sammy safely in my jewellery box: something for me to remember them by when I’m back on the farm.

  Kat bursts in, her arms full of fancy carrier bags. ‘What are you doing?’ she asks, looking around at the empty walls. Her eyes fall to my half-packed case on the bed. ‘You know we can keep our stuff here over the break.’

  I attempt a smile, too emotional to explain. But it’s okay. The look in her eyes tells me she’s worked it out for herself.

  There’s a party on the roof to mark the end of semester. It feels more like a funeral where we’re sitting. I smile tentatively at my friends who are all making an effort to keep things upbeat, and are failing miserably.

  ‘You guys can come and stay over the holidays,’ I assure them.

  Kat rolls her eyes, unimpressed. Christian stares off into the distance. And Ethan … Ethan just looks miserable.

  Sammy flicks a bottle top at the wall. ‘Well, I think it’s crap.’

  ‘Newsflash,’ Kat snorts. ‘We all do.’

  We sit in silence, nursing our thoughts, as the party slowly empties. Then Sean pops back in, letting everyone know our final results have been posted on the Academy noticeboard. Nobody moves. Including me. Like it’s going to make any difference how well or badly I did. It’s not going to change the fact that I’m about to lose the best bunch of friends I’ve ever had in my life.

  Finally, Kat stands up. ‘It’s not like we have anything better to do,’ she shrugs.

  I walk slowly down the corridor, smiling at the familiar objects around me–photographs of past students who’ve now made it big, smelly shoes stuffed in the corner–in no hurry to read my results. I’ve been at the bottom of the class for most of the semester. Why would things be any different after the exams? I’d rather spend my last few minutes here drinking in the atmosphere of the place, setting it in my memory forever.

  Kat barrels up to me, her eyes huge. ‘Come with me,’ she squeals, dragging me along the corridor.

  ‘How did you go?’ I ask dully.

  ‘Who cares?’ Kat shrieks. ‘Look!’

  I look. Smack
bang in the middle of the noticeboard is a pink certificate. With my name on it.

  Kat is ecstatic. ‘You got it!’

  Sammy joins us. ‘The First Year Scholarship,’ he breathes, his eyes wide.

  I reel back, stunned. Abigail was so certain she was going to win this. Not me.

  Miss Raine appears behind us. ‘Full fees,’ she explains, her face serious. ‘Boarding expenses included. It’s not a gift. You’ll earn every cent. Every week you’ll be doing private classes with me, working harder than you ever thought possible.’

  I stare at her. ‘You’re telling me I can stay?’ I whisper.

  ‘It would seem so,’ Miss Raine says, the hint of a smile finally playing about her lips.

  I spin round to my friends. ‘I can stay!’ I shriek, almost losing my balance as they envelop me in a giant group hug.

  Dad’s grinning as he loads my suitcases into the tray of the ute. ‘All this for three weeks?’ he teases me.

  ‘You guys don’t mind if it’s not permanent, do you?’ I grin back. ‘I know you’ll miss me.’

  Mum waits till Dad’s out of earshot then takes my hands in hers.

  ‘Tara?’ she says hesitantly, her eyes moist. I can tell this is really hard for her. ‘Honey, you know I never wanted you to give up.’

  I shake my head, forgiving her with my eyes. ‘First grown-up thing I’ve ever had to do.’

  Mum pulls me close and we stay that way until Dad comes back. ‘Help,’ he groans, ‘the women are blubbering.’

  I pull back, laughing. I notice Sean loading his bags into his family’s car. ‘Hey, Sean!’ I call to him. ‘Can you take a picture of us?’

  We line up together, me in the middle, our arms wrapped tightly around each other, while Sean snaps our photo.

  ‘Thanks,’ I tell him, as he hands me back the camera.

  ‘See you next semester?’