Eff my life.
Suddenly I wanted to be somewhere, anywhere but here.
“Uh, this is all really touching, guys,” Dylan said as he came up from behind me and place a hand on my shoulder. “But the cashier would like to be paid now.”
“You got a wallet.” Ryan huffed as he reached in his back pocket. “You couldn’t try to be more of a mooch.”
“It’s not like I’m gonna eat any of this food now,” Dylan retorted as Ryan approached the register. “I know exactly what’ll happen. You two will hole up at your place, and I’ll be Joe Third-Wheel. I’m thinking of changing my name to that, actually. What do you think?”
Ryan took the receipt from the cashier then glared at his brother. “I think you should use your psychic powers for good and fuck off without a word.”
I heard a gasp behind me and turned to see an old lady in her eighties glaring at us. “If you gentlemen are finished with your business, would you kindly let the rest of the line check out?”
“Sorry, ma’am.” The guys mumbled, and the three of us took off for the parking lot.
We reached the doors, and I dug through my purse for my keys. “I’ll just meet you at your place?” Despite our moment, I had absolutely no intention of meeting Ryan anywhere. “Can you text me your address?”
I didn’t want to be peeing on a stick with him pacing in the hallway like some rom com cliché. Next time I’d pick a store on the other end of town, maybe in the suburbs, and buy a test there. Alone. Ryan would have to be happy with a text informing him of whether or not he was a father. I couldn’t deal with all of this right now.
“I’ll ride with you. We came in Dylan’s truck since we had all this to load. It’ll be easier that way.”
“Really? Dylan’s gonna need help with all that food. I think it would be easier if I ride over by myself.”
“Nah, Dylan’s a big guy; he can handle all this. I’ll go with you. That way you can’t get lost.” His eyes drilled into me like he knew that had been my plan all along.
“Great,” I replied weakly.
Ryan hunted through the bags for the pregnancy test then shoved the cart toward Dylan. “You don’t mind, do you, bro?”
“Not a bit,” Dylan snarled as he bared his teeth in a semblance of a smile. “I’ll take home the groceries and put them away for you. What are brothers for?”
“Disappearing, hopefully. Thanks, Dyl.”
Dylan rolled his eyes and then gave me a real smile. It didn’t have the same effect on me as Ryan’s. “Nice to meet you, Hope.”
“Right. Thanks. Uh, you too.”
But I was talking to Dylan’s back as he pushed the cart in the opposite direction.
“So, where’d you park?” Ryan asked as he tapped the pregnancy test against his thigh in an agitated rhythm.
Oddly enough, proof of his nerves calmed me somewhat. I don’t know. Something about him being so charming and in control when my mind was an endless whirl of what-ifs had annoyed me. You know, when I wasn’t drooling over his bulging muscles and big smile. Clearly I had problems.
I gestured toward a row three up from us, and Ryan grabbed my hand and led us like he knew where I’d parked. Or what my car even looked like.
And that was a big part of his charm. Aside from the ridiculous good looks and incredibly fit body, Ryan was always confident. Even when he was so, so wrong. Like now, when he paused next to the white Toyota Camry.
I tugged on his arm. “I’m the black Dodge Charger.”
“You have got to be shitting me.” Ryan’s head swung from my gleaming baby to me then back again. “You drive that?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I stopped behind the trunk and crossed my arms over my chest as I stared him down.
“I just…I mean look at you.”
My eyes bulged out at that point. “What the hell?”
“Oh, come on, I didn’t mean it like that. You’re just all buttoned up.” He gestured at my very serviceable pantsuit that I’d worn to work today. “No way does someone who owns a pantsuit drive a sweet little number like this.”
I shook my head and turned on my heel, heading for the driver’s door. “Get in or not. At this point, I really don’t give a shit.”
“Fuck,” Ryan muttered as he swung into the passenger seat. “I’m guessing you’re not in the mood to let me drive it now, huh?”
I glared at him as I pulled my seat belt on. “Buckle up.”
He was still reaching for the seatbelt when I reversed out of the space. I calmly and carefully drove through the parking lot, right up to the point that I hit the street, and then I let it go. The tires spun with a squeal and we raced down S Street.
Ryan grabbed the “oh shit” bar above his door. “I’m sorry that I teased you. I didn’t mean it. Will you please, please not kill us both in a fiery car crash?”
I screeched to a stop at the light then shook my head as I impatiently waited for the light to change. “Did you forget where we met in the first place? My dad is the freaking president of the West Coast Kings. The clothes are for work. When I’m not at work, I like to play.”
“Wait, your dad is the president? T-Bone is your dad?”
I nodded, throwing him a confused look. “Yeah. I told you all this the night we hooked up.”
“Oh, no you didn’t. Trust me. I’d remember if you told me that the fucking president of a one-percenter motorcycle club was your father.” Ryan ran a shaky hand through his hair. He looked paler now than when he’d spotted the pregnancy test in the store. “Fuck me. Fuck!”
“I don’t get why you’re freaking out. He’s a man just like any other. Well, okay not like any other, but still. He’s my father. It’s got nothing to do with you.”
“Wow, you cannot be that naïve. If that test comes up positive, I’ll probably disappear. Hell, men have gone missing for a hellova lot less than this. I’ll be lucky if they don’t burn my fucking house down with me still inside.” Ryan buried his face in his hands with muted roar.
Meanwhile I could only stare at him in horror. He was joking, right? I mean I knew my dad wasn’t a model citizen, but bikers like that didn’t exist. That was all Hollywood exaggeration, right?
The blare of a car horn tore me out of our bubble. The light was green. I jerked my foot onto the gas pedal and tore through the intersection. “Uh, you still haven’t told me where we’re going. Should I drop you off? Or maybe we should go to my place?”
Ryan dropped his hands into his lap and shook his head. “Yeah, I’m not going to your place waving around a pregnancy test. I value my life too much.” He gave a defeated sounding sigh then gestured at the upcoming intersection. “Take a right here then go up two blocks.”
I silently followed his instructions to his place, all the while a burning sensation tingled at my scalp. He was acting like someone who’d been told that their life was going to end. It couldn’t be that bad.
Could it?
Chapter 9
Hope
After parking where Ryan pointed out, I sat behind the wheel as my thoughts tumbled in my head.
My dad would make Ryan disappear? That wasn’t the man I knew. But that kinda sounded like the man who’d yelled at me for being a whore in my apartment the morning after Ryan and I…
Maybe I didn’t know the man at all.
I hadn’t seen anything like that at the clubhouse. Sure, the guys were rough, but I thought they were a group of guys who liked to get together to ride bikes and hangout. Although I could only go to the clubhouse on certain days and for some parties. I always had to call ahead and make sure I was allowed, current blacklisting notwithstanding.
“You okay?”
I nodded. “Not really,” I replied, contrarily. “I just, I don’t know that guy. My dad’s never been like that with me. I mean, he’s only recently come into my life so I don’t know. It’s not something—”
“Take a breath, Hope.” Ryan’s eyes sparkled with mischief. “You’re b
abbling again.”
“Of course I’m babbling! You just told me my dad’s going to kill you! You were freaking out seconds ago and now you’re laughing? What the hell, Ryan?”
“Your driving kinda sobered me up. I figure if I can survive that, your dad will be a walk in the park.”
“You son of a—”
“Hey!” A voice shouted from outside the car. “Are you gonna help me out with all this? Or am I your pack mule too?”
Ryan laughed. “Be right there, bro.”
I shook my head in frustration but couldn’t smother a tiny laugh. Ryan had a way of draining the tension. I followed the guys—who wouldn’t let me carry anything more than my purse—into one of the condos.
They piled all the groceries on the kitchen island while I hovered awkwardly in the background.
“I’ll uh, leave you guys to…” Dylan rubbed the back of his neck and avoided eye contact with me. “Yeah, so lemme know if you want to hang later. I’ll probably be around.”
“Thanks, Dyl. Later.”
I waved awkwardly and watched him leave.
Then silence. I stood in his living room, not really taking in the scenery. There was a kitchen beyond the sofa and a ton of windows. Probably some bedrooms and bathrooms off that hallway. Everything had a grey hue. For a guy with so much personality, his place was kinda utilitarian.
I jumped as his hand brushed my shoulder.
“Sorry.” Ryan gave me a sheepish smile. “I uh, maybe it would be better to just get it over with? The bathroom’s down the hall there.”
He held the test kit in his hands.
Right. The whole reason I was here. Because maybe I was pregnant.
Maybe my whole life was about to implode around me.
Maybe my dad would have a reason to kill Ryan after all.
I took the box from him and headed toward the hallway.
“First door on the right. You go ahead and I’ll just—”
The bathroom door closed behind me with more of a slam than I’d intended.
I stood there for a minute just staring at the test kit in my hands. I wanted to know, and I didn’t. If I wasn’t, would I really see Ryan again? Did he say all that because he thought maybe I was pregnant? What if I was? How would I go to work and take care of a baby? It wasn’t like I had an understanding mom to lean on. I shuddered at the thought. My dad wasn’t the only parent I’d be afraid of telling.
Just take the test already. No point in playing what ifs when I literally had the answer in my hands. Besides, it was going to be fine. My period probably didn’t come yet because I’d been freaking out. So I’d take the test, see the negative result, and BAM—period. Nothing to worry about.
I ripped open the box, peeled the test stick free of all the packaging, and read the instructions. I’d have the results in three short minutes. Yay.
A minute later I capped the test kit and set it on the counter. The little indicator darkened with the result, but I couldn’t bear to look. I wasn’t ready. Instead I flushed the toilet and methodically pulled up my pants.
And then jumped when Ryan knocked on the door.
“Everything all right in there?”
I made a face at myself in the mirror. After a deep breath, I opened the door.
Ryan’s head jerked up and he visibly swallowed. “So?”
I lifted a shoulder. “The test takes three minutes.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
We stood there not staring at each other and shifting our weight. I didn’t know what to say. Hope you didn’t knock me up? What’s your stance on abortion? Nice weather we’re having? Every thought that ran through my head annoyed the crap outta me.
Instead I said nothing.
“Has it been three minutes yet?” Ryan asked.
“Probably?” I shrugged. “I didn’t set a timer or anything.”
And yet I couldn’t make myself look. I didn’t know if I wanted to see the result yet. My life was about to change forever or I’d have to do a whole new walk of shame from Ryan’s place.
“Are you gonna…?” Ryan tilted his head.
“I can’t. Would you?”
Ryan’s eyes widened. “Uh, sure. What am I looking for?”
I laughed. “It will literally say pregnant or not pregnant. Well, not say. It’ll read. Or display. What’s the word I’m looking for?” I watched as Ryan stared at the indicator and didn’t say a word. The silence was driving me crazy. “I’m nervous. Can you tell I’m nervous? I’ve been told I tend to babble when I’m nervous. Oh my god, what does it say?”
Ryan turned to face me, his face blank. “It says pregnant. You’re uh, we’re pregnant.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
Pregnant. I was pregnant. Pregnant.
“Oh my god.” A buzzing sound filled my ears, and I swayed. “Oh my god.”
“Whoa.” Ryan grabbed my upper arm and led me to the sofa out in the living room.
I sank onto the soft leather and buried my face in my hands.
Ryan cleared his throat and I heard the leather creak as he sat down on the sofa next to me. His touch was feather light when he rubbed my back. “It might help if you put your head between your knees. Just take a couple of deep breaths. In. And out.”
“Oh my god. What are we going to do?” My voice was muffled by the hands but my suppressed sob was undeniable.
“Uh, I guess that depends on what you want to do.”
“What?” I sat up in a rush to glare at him and had to take a second as the room swam around me. “Are you seriously laying all this on me?”
Ryan lifted his hands. “There’s not much I can do until you decide if you want to have the baby.”
“Do you want me to have the baby?”
“I don’t know.”
I crossed my arms over my stomach. I must’ve made some noise because Ryan reached a hand out before retracting it like I was contagious.
“You gotta give me a break, Hope. I’ve had like ten minutes to process this whole thing.”
“I have to give you a break? Are you kidding me? I’m the one pregnant here. Do you have any idea how this is going to implode my life? I’m barely talking to my mom. My father all but called me a whore for taking you home. I just started a new job. I don’t have any real friends here, no support network whatsoever. What do you think this is gonna do to me?”
Ryan shook his head. “You have me. I’ve thought about being a father—in that foggy, distant future kinda way—but I do want kids. And if you have this baby, I’ll be there for you. For both of you. You’re not alone, Hope.”
“Well it sure as hell hasn’t felt like it the past two weeks.”
“I’m sorry I read more into your text than was there. But I meant what I said. I want to spend more time with you—baby or no baby. I like you, Hope.”
I crossed my arms over my chest as tears burned my eyes. He was saying all the right things, but he wanted to ride in to rescue me now? I knew I was lashing out at him, but I was so damn frustrated at the circumstances. At him. A few tears fell and I swiped at them with the back of my hand. “I just… I don’t know what to do.”
“There’s nothing that says we have to decide now. Let’s take a minute, or a few weeks, and think through our options.”
I groaned. He sounded so damn calm and authoritative. It was annoying a. f. “I aced my high school health class. I have a fricking degree in social work. I know what my options are, and I don’t like any of them. This baby is half me. I don’t think…I can’t abort it. I just…I can’t.”
“Okay. So you’ll have the baby then.”
“And put it up for adoption? It’s one of my options, right? I can’t imagine living my life knowing my baby is out there somewhere. What if her parents get a divorce? What if they can’t love my baby because it’s not theirs? I’ve seen stuff… You can’t imagine some of the crap people do to their children—blood related or not.”
Ryan sno
rted. “And here I thought you were a fan.”
“What?”
“Maybe you could get down off your high horse and remember who you’re talking to. My father fucking killed my mother. I don’t remember her at all and because of him, I never will. Because he killed her. You don’t need to lecture me. I know what people are capable of.”
Right. I knew that. His whole family history was part of the TV show. I just…forgot about it because I was so wrapped up in panic.
And now I felt like a jerk. No, bigger than a jerk. A…. I couldn’t think of the name for how big of a jerk I’d been. This wasn’t just my baby—it was half of Ryan too. He should have just as much say in what happened as me.
“Right,” I whispered. “I’m sorry. I knew that. I uh, don’t know what to say.”
Ryan lifted a hand as if to run it through his hair but he froze just short and ran both hands agitatedly down his jean clad thighs. “You don’t have to say anything. Whatever. It’s fine. It’s been my life as long as I can remember. But just for the record, I was never going to sign off on an adoption. If you don’t want to raise our baby, I do. I will. I… God, I still can’t believe this is happening.”
Ryan stood up and walked over to the kitchen. After pulling open the fridge with a rough jerk, he held a beer bottle up. “You want one?”
I made a face. “Yes, but I can’t.”
“Right.” Ryan moved to put the beer back.
I waved a hand at him. “But you go ahead. One of us should get drunk tonight, and clearly it won’t be me.”
“Nah, if you’re not drinking, I won’t drink.” He set the beer back and then closed the fridge.
I had to smile at that. It was oddly sweet.
“So,” I rubbed my hands over my thighs in the same movement he’d done. “What now?”
“I don’t know. I can’t say that I’ve ever been in this position before.”
“Me neither.”
We smiled at each other for a moment before Ryan’s phone chimed and he looked away. Pulling his phone out of his back pocket, he glowered at the screen.
Fast: A Pregnant by the Bad Boy Romance (Burns Brothers Book 2) Page 7
