I then rang my mother, just to tell her that I missed her. Then I spent the next two hours ringing around friends to make sure they had not been arrested and that they knew where to find help if they or any of their family were arrested. This was today’s Britain. We were told that we were free to express our political and religious beliefs, but not, it seemed, if you were a Muslim or a friend of a Muslim.
Chapter Sixteen
Return of the Money Monk
The next morning I woke up early and packed, and waited for my taxi driver to take me from the hotel to the airport.
I had been in the check-in queue for less than ten minutes when I saw a sight I never thought I’d see again. Iron Breath and Yanli were heading my way.
Yanli was out of breath. Iron Breath was not.
‘What’s the matter? Have I done something wrong?’ I said.
‘I don’t know what’s happening,’ said Yanli. ‘Iron Breath just called me this morning and told me to take him to meet you here. I have no idea what it’s about.’
‘Well, you’re here now. Ask him what’s wrong.’
She spoke to him but he said nothing. He just stepped forward and stood right in front of me. I thought he was going to shoot me or blow me away with his iron breath. He reached into his robe and pulled out a parcel wrapped in Mickey Mouse wrapping paper and handed it to me.
‘A present,’ I said. ‘Isn’t that nice? You came all this way to give me a present.’
I bowed slightly and gave the Buddhist blessing, ‘Er me tuo fo.’
I turned to Yanli. ‘Thank him for me, please.’
‘Open it,’ she said.
I unwrapped the Mickey Mouse paper to find a bundle of money. I could tell by the rubber bands around the notes that these were the very same notes that I had paid Iron Breath with. Two distinct bundles. One from the first payment, and one from the second. Yanli was as surprised as me. She began speaking to him quickly and excitedly, then she turned to me.
‘He said that all the money that you paid to him is there except one hundred and sixty yuan, which he used to buy the kung fu suit for you.’
‘And he wants me to take it all back?’ I said, in disbelief.
‘Yes,’ she said.
‘Wow!’ I said, amazed. ‘But why?’
‘It’s a Chinese thing,’ she said.
This is why I love China and the Chinese people. You never know what’s just over the hill. Ancient tombs have computers carved into them; you think someone is working you to death when they are actually bringing new life to you; the person you think is ripping you off is just saving your money for you. They really know how to be cruel to be kind.
The check-in queue moved on.
‘I think I have to go now,’ I said. ‘Please thank him from the bottom of my heart.’
‘I will,’ said Yanli.
I smiled, Yanli smiled, and then it happened. Iron Breath smiled. It was like a film. We said our goodbyes and went our different ways.
Then Yanli was running towards me with Iron Breath walking fast behind her.
‘What’s wrong now?’ I said, puzzled once more.
‘Iron Breath needs to ask you a favour.’
‘Ask away,’ I said.
‘Can you give him some money for the taxi fare home?’
I laughed. ‘Of course I can. Does he want his money back?’
‘No,’ she said. ‘Just enough to cover the taxi fare.’
I gave him four hundred yuan. He bowed, and said, ‘Er me tuo fo.’
Then they headed off, and I went through the gates of no return.
Chapter Seventeen
Back to Beijing
I slept on the plane all the way back to Beijing. A perfect flight. I began to think about Malik again so before unpacking in my hotel room in the Chinese capital I rang his wife, Fatima. There was good news. Malik had been released on bail and had to go back to the police station two weeks later. Like many arrests around that time the police had nothing on him. They were just trying to look as if they were really fighting a war on terror.
I had to leave for London the next day so after hearing the good news about Malik I decided I needed to do something I liked, and I went to the gym.
Zhao Bin – the hotel’s gym team leader – was so pleased to see me back that she called all her staff to watch me work out again. They gave me time to warm up, and then Zhao Bin said, ‘OK, Mr Shaolin, let us see some of your new moves.’
I duly performed my new form for them and they were delighted. My new form was three times as long as the old one and a lot more difficult, and they knew it.
‘We’re so proud of you,’ said Zhao Bin. ‘Everyone’s talking about you.’
‘Me?’ I said, genuinely surprised.
‘Yes, you. You come here with your fit body and show even the Chinese people kung fu. And everybody loves your hair. Everybody’s talking about you, everyone. We hear that you are a great karaoke star too.’
‘No, that’s not right. I’m a revolutionary poet.’
‘You are nice man.’
‘Thanks,’ I said, and they stepped back to watch me finish the rest of my workout.
I went back to my room and had a shower, and as I was getting dressed the phone rang. I picked it up, and said, ‘Hello,’ but no one answered.
After about ten minutes there was a knock on my door. I couldn’t believe it. It was Louise, the kissy kissy woman who had come into my room uninvited all those days ago. She just stepped past me and turned the television off.
‘No excuses,’ she said. ‘I am ready for you now.’
‘Please,’ I said. ‘Leave me alone.’
‘You don’t want to kiss me?’ she said.
‘I think you’re very nice,’ I replied, ‘but I’m doing a monk thing at the moment. You know, no woman, no sex.’
‘I think you are gay boy.’
‘Let’s not go over that again,’ I said. ‘I’m not a gay boy, but if that’s what you need to give me a break I’ll be a gay boy. Yes, yes, I’m gay, very, very gay.’
She walked up to me and pointed in my face.
‘I know you. You are famous man, I saw you on internet. You are famous.’
‘I’m not really famous. If I was famous, you would have recognised me straight away. I’m just a well-known British poet.’
‘Kiss me,’ she demanded.
‘I can’t, but I can read you some poems,’ I said.
She went very quiet. She walked over to the bed, lay right in the centre of it, and said, ‘OK. Give me some poems, dark man.’
I read my poem Dis Poetry to her. She looked me in the eyes.
‘Nice,’ she said. ‘Give me more.’
Then I read Man to Man, followed by Naked, and she wanted more, so for the next half-hour I read to her as if I was reading to a crowd of hundreds and all she could say was, ‘Nice. More.’
When I had finished, she got up and walked to the door.
‘Well, I guess this is goodbye,’ I said.
I just wasn’t sure what was going through her head. She looked me up and down, and then she opened the door. She stepped out of the door, looked me up and down again and began to walk away. As she walked, she waved, smiled and said, ‘You good. Yes, you really good, dark man.’
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Great stories, great writers, great entertainment
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Terry Jones
Accent Press
A comedy of Russian gangsters, town planners and a dog called Dennis
Martin Thomas is not happy. The view he loves is about to be blocked by an ugly building. He decides to take action and organises a protest. Then things go badly wrong and Martin finds himself running for his life. Along the way he gets mixed up with depressed town planners, violent gangsters and a kidnapped concert pianist. Martin starts to wonder if objecting to the building was such a good idea when he finds himself upside down with a gun in his mouth.
This hilarious story from Monty Python star, Terry Jones, will make you laugh out loud.
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Bloomsbury Publishing, London, Berlin, New York and Sydney
First published in Great Britain in March 2011 by
Bloomsbury Publishing Plc
36 Soho Square, London, W1D 3QY
This electronic edition published in 2011 by Bloomsbury Publishing Plc
Copyright © Benjamin Zephaniah 2011
The moral right of the author has been asserted
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ISBN 9781408818176
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Kung Fu Trip Page 7
