by Bill Harley
Hector was just watching, not saying anything. “Come on,” I called, waving my arm for him to join us. He hesitated, then walked over slowly. I made room for him between Darren and me. Hector took off his glasses and put them in his pocket.
“I don’t see why he’s racing, too,” grumbled Darren. “We’re the fastest.”
I ignored him. A few kids had stopped what they were doing to see what was going on.
“Now starting, the race of the century!” Tommy yelled in his sports announcer voice. He was standing at the far end of the blacktop. “The Championship Race for the Fastest Runner in the Fourth Grade!”
More kids had gathered to watch.
The three of us bent over, getting ready to take off. We were so close to each other that our elbows were touching.
“On your mark … get set … go!” Tommy shouted.
We took off. I ran as hard as I could, pumping my arms up and down, trying to go even faster.
Some kids were cheering for Darren.
Some were cheering for me.
No one was cheering for Hector.
We were running neck and neck. When I looked, I could see that Darren was trying to slow Hector down by holding out his arm. I kept running as fast as I could, trying to keep up.
When we reached the finish line, I couldn’t tell who’d won—it was really close. But I knew it wasn’t me. It was either Hector or Darren.
“I won! I won!” Darren was screaming like he’d won a gold medal at the Olympics or something.
Hector the New Kid didn’t say anything.
“No, you didn’t!” Tommy yelled. “The new kid won.”
“He bumped into me,” Darren said.
“You were bumping into him,” I said. “You were trying to block him the whole way! Wasn’t he blocking you, Hector?”
Hector the New Kid just shrugged.
“It was a tie!” someone shouted. “Race again.”
“Yeah!” everyone said. “Do-over! Race again!”
There was no way to figure out who had really won. It was too close. And since Darren was being so bossy, no one wanted to argue with him.
“Okay,” said Tommy. “Everyone line up again. Go ahead, Charlie. You too.” Darren and Hector jogged back to the starting line to get ready.
I wasn’t really sure if I should race at all—the tie was between Hector and Darren.
“Hurry up, Charlie,” Tommy said. “Get in line.”
I headed back across the blacktop, but before I reached the other side I heard a whistle.
“Everybody inside!” Mrs. Burke called.
“But we’re having a race!” Tommy yelled.
“Inside now! Recess is over,” Mrs. Burke said, snapping her exploding fingers and pointing at Tommy. “You can race back to the door.”
“Forget it, Tommy,” I said. “There’s no point in arguing with Mrs. Burke.”
“I see what you mean,” he answered.
“Tomorrow,” Darren said, “I’ll beat you and the new kid.”
I glanced over at Hector. He took his glasses out of his pocket and cleaned them off so he could put them on again. I wasn’t sure, but it looked like he was smiling.
13
The Hazards of Toilet Paper
I thought and thought about the race that night and I was still thinking about it the next morning. By the time I got on the bus, I had decided.
“Tommy, I’m not going to race.”
“Why not? The whole point of this is for you to beat Darren!”
“All we really want is for someone to beat Darren, right?”
“Well, yeah,” Tommy said. “I guess.”
“I’m pretty sure I can’t beat him anymore. I hate to say it, but he’s faster than me now. He’s so much bigger! But I know Hector can beat Darren if he doesn’t pull any of his tricks. I want to stand at the finish line so I can be the judge.”
“Okay,” Tommy said, frowning. “But Darren will probably pull your underwear out of your pants again anyway.”
“I know,” I said. “But it’ll be completely worth it if Hector beats him. The big problem is figuring out a way to make sure the race is fair. We have to be sure who wins. We need a better finishing line—something like that ribbon they break through at the Olympics.”
“Right! But what can we use?” Tommy asked. “Maybe Mr. Shuler would have something—”
“No way. I’m not asking the Intergalactic Supreme Commander of Soccer Balls for anything. We’ll have to come up with something ourselves.” I thought for a moment. “It needs to be long enough to stretch all the way across the blacktop.”
“I know! I know!” Tommy shouted. “What if we used toilet paper for a finishing line? That would work!”
“Genius!” I said. “But where are we going to get it?”
“We could ask Mr. Turchin if he would give us a roll.”
I thought about that. I liked Mr. Turchin, our school custodian. Last year I’d helped him move tables and chairs around for assemblies a couple of times. Maybe he would help us. “Good idea. Let’s go see him as soon as we get to school.”
When the bus let us off, we went straight to the custodian’s office. He was standing just outside his door.
“Hi, Mr. Turchin,” I said.
“Good morning, Charlie. Good morning, Tommy. What can I do you for, my two fine gentlemen?” he asked, and started to laugh in his rumbly way.
“Is there an extra roll of toilet paper we could borrow?”
“Why? Is the boy’s bathroom out?”
“No. We just need it for a race we’re having,” Tommy explained.
“Toilet paper for a race?”
“Yeah,” I said. “For the finish line.”
Mr. Turchin looked at us and rubbed his chin, smiling a little. Then he scratched his head. “You’re not going to make a big mess with it, are you?”
“No,” I answered. “We promise.”
“Because when someone makes a mess in school, guess who gets to clean it up?” He raised one eyebrow. “I’ll give you a hint. It’s not your mother.”
“We won’t make a mess,” Tommy promised. “It’s really important.”
“All right,” he said. “Let me see what I can find.”
He went in his office and came back out with a full roll. “Listen to me, you two goofballs,” he said, handing it over. “Do not make a mess with this!”
“We won’t.” I grabbed it and stuffed it into my backpack.
Mr. Turchin is a nice man. Anyone who gives two kids a roll of toilet paper without making a big deal about it is nice.
“Thanks a lot, Mr. Turchin,” Tommy said.
“You’re welcome, gentlemen. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”
I wondered if Mr. Turchin would use toilet paper in a race.
Maybe if he was in fourth grade.
At recess I took my backpack out on the playground. I didn’t want anyone seeing the toilet paper until it was time.
Darren was on the blacktop, waiting for me. Other kids were gathering around. “Okay, time for the race do-over,” Darren said. “Me and Charlie and the new kid.”
“I’m not racing,” I said. “You and Hector tied. You’re the ones who should race.”
“It’s okay,” Hector said to me. “You can still race.”
“Nope,” I said. “I’m not racing. I’ve got another job. Tommy and I figured out how to make sure we know who’s officially fastest.”
I reached into my backpack and pulled out the toilet paper. “The first one to break through the toilet paper at the finish line wins!”
Everybody started hooting and clapping. Tommy went to the starting line. I walked over to Hector.
“Don’t stand too close to Darren at the start,” I told him, “so he doesn’t push you.” I wanted to make sure that Darren didn’t cheat.
Hector smiled and nodded. He took off his glasses, rubbed them with his shirt, and put them in his pocket.
I ran down the
blacktop with the toilet paper with a few kids trailing after me. When I got to the place for the finish, I realized I needed someone to hold the other end.
“Can someone help me?” I called to the kids who were with me.
“I’ll do it, Charlie!” Alex McLeod yelled out. “I can do it!” He was jumping around like someone had built a campfire in his pants.
“All right,” I said. “But be careful.”
“Okay, okay,” he said.
“I mean it,” I said. “You’ll have to stand still.”
“Okay, okay, I promise!”
“And we can’t make a mess,” I said. “It’s Mr. Turchin’s toilet paper.”
Alex was hopping all over the place, grabbing for the toilet paper.
I let him hold onto the roll, then I very slowly pulled on the loose end. “Be really careful,” I warned him again, “or it’ll break.” We unrolled the paper across the finish line and held it up as straight as we could.
By now it seemed like the whole fourth grade was watching.
“Okay!” I yelled to Tommy. “We’re ready!”
Darren and Hector the New Kid lined up at the far end of the blacktop.
“Runners on your marks!” Tommy shouted in his Olympic announcer voice. “Ready … set … go!”
Darren and Hector the New Kid ran as hard as they could. Everybody was yelling. I yelled extra-loud for Hector, since I was worried that no one would cheer for him.
But some of the kids from our class were cheering for him, too. “Go, Hector!” they screamed.
Even a few boys from Tommy’s class were cheering for Hector.
As the runners came closer and closer to the strip of toilet paper, I knew who was going to win.
Darren was big and fast.
Hector was small, but he was faster.
A lot faster.
It made me wonder if he’d been running as fast as he could the day before.
It wasn’t even close. Hector won by a mile. When he broke through the toilet paper, everyone was going crazy.
They all surrounded Hector. Kids were patting him on the shoulder and back and yelling and hitting him on the head. Right then I knew he wasn’t Hector the New Kid anymore. From now on, he was just Hector, the fastest kid in fourth grade.
It made me smile.
“Hector! Hector! Hector!” Everyone was chanting and jumping up and down.
Especially Crazy Legs Alex McLeod. He started running in circles, still holding the roll of toilet paper and shrieking. Somebody took hold of the loose end and pulled on it. It broke off and another kid grabbed the trailing toilet paper.
“No! No!” I shouted. I tried to catch up with Alex, who was now trotting around Hector. Everybody was still yelling and waving the toilet paper streamers.
“Stop it! Stop it!” I begged.
No one listened.
The toilet paper was spreading all over the playground.
I ran around trying to catch pieces of it, but it kept blowing away. Other kids held toilet paper banners up in the air like they were flying kites.
I never knew there was that much toilet paper on one roll. It seemed like it could stretch from here to China.
Or at least to Chile.
That’s when I heard the whistle. Mrs. Burke blew it long and loud. And close.
Everyone stopped. Even Alex McLeod.
He was holding an empty toilet paper roll. You never would have known he started it.
Ribbons of toilet paper were all over the blacktop. Some of them were drifting around like fall leaves on a windy day.
“Where did all this toilet paper come from?” Mrs. Burke asked, snatching a wad of paper as it drifted past her. She really sounded angry. Angrier than when I pulled the pictures down.
Kids looked at each other. Most of them had no idea where it had come from.
It looked like Hector could get in the most trouble. Alex had wrapped him up in toilet paper like a cocoon and Hector was still pulling it off of his arms and legs.
“It’s mine,” I said.
Mrs. Burke turned to me. Her eyebrows scrunched down. “Where did you get it?” I didn’t really want to answer, but she just kept standing there, squeezing the ball of toilet paper in her hands. I was sure she could wait longer than I could.
“Mr. Turchin gave it to me for our race,” I said. “We weren’t going to make a mess. We promised, but—”
“Hector won!” Tommy said before I could finish. “It was Charlie’s idea, Mrs. Burke. He was the one who got Hector to race!”
The kids started yelling again.
Mrs. Burke blew her whistle again. “Please clean up the paper.”
Everybody ran around and picked up the toilet paper and handed all the scraps to Mrs. Burke. She held them for a moment, like she didn’t know what to do with them.
Then she looked at me. “Everyone but Charlie can go inside,” she said.
When the others headed back toward the school, Tommy didn’t move. He stood there for a minute, waiting to see what would happen.
“Everybody,” Mrs. Burke said, giving Tommy a serious look.
Tommy gulped and followed her orders.
Mrs. Burke dumped the bundle into my arms. Limp toilet paper streamed everywhere.
That’s when the first graders came out for recess.
“Look! Look! It’s my brother Charlie!” I heard the Squid scream. “Hey, Charlie! Where’d you get all that toilet paper?”
The other little kids went into hysterics. Say the words “toilet paper” and first graders all wet their pants laughing at the same time.
Mrs. Burke grabbed my arm. Her long fingers had the grip of a monster wrench. She started inside, dragging me with her. Bits of toilet paper trailed along behind me. “Charlie?” she asked. “Was that a very good decision?”
Trick question! No good answer!
I shook my head. “We needed a finish line,” I said.
“What am I going to do with you?” she asked. “Maybe I should just wrap you up with this toilet paper and bury you like a mummy!”
I knew it! She wanted to bury me like a pharaoh from ancient Egypt!
I didn’t say anything until we were almost back to our classroom. “Hector was really fast,” I told her. “We didn’t even need a finish line to see who won.”
She looked at me very closely and screwed her mouth to one side. She was probably trying to figure out where to bury me.
“I know all about you, Charlie Bumpers,” she said, shaking her head.
We dumped all the toilet paper in the big garbage can by the door. I think if Mrs. Burke could have, she would have stuck me in there, too. Then Mr. Turchin could have taken me away with the rest of the trash.
We walked back into the classroom without another word. Everybody watched in silence as I went to my desk. Samantha Grunsky frowned at me like I was the lowliest worm on the planet.
When I sat down, Hector whispered, “Are you okay?”
I nodded. There was no use trying to explain to Hector how I felt. He was a nice kid and a fast runner, but he never made messes. He never got in trouble.
I didn’t talk to anyone the rest of the day. I didn’t raise my hand to answer questions. I didn’t make any jokes. I did all my work. I was a good student.
I thought about being wrapped up like a mummy in toilet paper. At least mummies don’t get into trouble.
Especially if they don’t have Mrs. Burke, Teacher of the Year.
14
Dad Gets Serious (or It’s Not Funny!)
That afternoon, Mom picked us up at school. She met me at the front door, and the Squid showed up from her classroom a few seconds later.
“Charlie and Mabel, wait for me here,” she said. “I have to check with Mrs. Finch about something.” My mom helps out with the PTA sometimes, and she’s friends with Mrs. Finch, the school secretary.
“Okay,” I said. I was relieved, because I wanted to talk to the Squid alone for a minute. As soon as Mom wen
t into the office, I got started. “Hey, Mabel,” I said.
The Squid looked at me suspiciously. I never called her Mabel. “What do you want?”
“Um, you know that little thing with the toilet paper on the playground? I’d be really, really happy if you’d promise not to tell Mom or Dad or Matt about it.”
She broke into a smile. “But it was so funny!”
“I know. But I’ll get in trouble. I’ll have to explain it, and they won’t understand.”
“I don’t understand it, either,” she said.
“That’s what I mean. Just don’t tell them, okay?” “What if they ask?”
“Just don’t say anything.”
“But it would be lying if I knew something and didn’t say it.”
“Okay,” I said. “If they ask, you can say something. But if they don’t ask, promise you won’t say anything.”
“Okay.”
“Promise?”
“I promise.”
“Okay,” I said.
“Unless they ask.”
“Mabel! They won’t ask!”
“Then I promise.”
Just then, Mom came out of the office. The Squid and I walked out of the school and got into our car. We were very quiet. Too quiet.
“What’s going on?” Mom asked.
“Nothing,” I said. I looked at my sister. Her mouth was shut tight. Too tight.
I knew if Mom asked one more question, my sister would blurt out the whole story. I gave the Squid a warning look. She clapped her hand over her mouth.
But Mom was already thinking about something else. She does that a lot, and right then I was glad.
The Squid’s hand stayed over her mouth the whole way to our house. For once, she kept her lips buttoned. She disappeared into her room as soon as we got home. I guess she didn’t trust her mouth to stay shut.
I was having a snack and Mom was starting dinner when Carla’s mother dropped her off at our house.
As soon as the two girls came into the kitchen, Carla shouted, “Charlie, that toilet paper mess was so funny!”
I looked up from my snack. The Squid had her hand over her mouth again.
“It was sooo funny!” Carla said again. “Did you have to sit on the orange chair?”
