Once they all had coffee and a cookie in front of them, the conversation moved away from the reason why Max had stopped by. When Jason had finished his bottle, Hannah took him back. Ryan had thought she might retreat to her room, but she stayed in her seat, burping the baby as they visited. Maybe it was just the sheer number of his family members that caused her to retreat whenever they were all together.
After Max had left, Hannah approached Ryan where he was putting their mugs into the dishwasher, Jason propped up on her shoulder. “Um…I was wondering…”
“What’s up?” When she didn’t continue, Ryan bent his head more closely to hers. “Is something wrong?”
“I need a few things, and I was wondering if someone could run me to a store,” Hannah said.
“A few things?”
“Yeah. Like some more clothes and some toiletries.”
“Of course. I’ll ask Dad for the keys to one of the vehicles and take you myself,” Ryan said. “Do you want to bring Jason? I’m sure Mom would watch him for a bit if you’d rather he stay here.”
“It might bring less attention to us if we don’t have him along,” Hannah said as she rubbed a hand on Jason’s back.
Ryan grinned. “He is cute enough to have all kinds of people fawning all over him. I’ll go ask Mom if she can watch him now.”
Within half an hour, his mom had Jason, and Ryan had the keys to her car. It wouldn’t take too long to get to a store where Hannah would be able to buy the things she needed.
“So your family has always lived here?” Hannah asked as Ryan turned the car out onto the highway.
“At this house? No. We moved into that once Dad’s construction company was doing better. It was one of the first houses C&M Builders built from the ground up. Before that, they had done mainly renovations and commercial buildings.”
“But you’ve always lived in Winnipeg?”
“Again, no. My mom and us four kids lived down in the States. My dad was American, and he was in the US military, so we moved around a lot. After he died, we moved up here since my mom had inherited a house from a relative. Steve and his boys lived just down the street from us, and Mitch and Gabe were in the same class as I was at school. That’s how we met.”
“That’s great how it all worked out for you,” Hannah said.
Even though her tone wasn’t negative, Ryan could almost hear her unspoken words about how things hadn’t worked out so well for her. He hoped that, at some point, she’d come to feel that what had started unfolding with their release was the beginning of things working out well for her too.
“It hasn’t all been perfect,” Ryan said, “but we’ve managed to make it through to the other side of the difficult parts.”
“Like the kidnapping,” Hannah stated.
“Yes, like that. Like my mom’s aneurysm. Gabe’s accident. Kenton’s injury. Grace lost her first husband, and then their baby was born prematurely.”
“Bennett isn’t Olivia’s dad?”
“Not her biological dad, but he’s her dad in every way that’s going to matter. Just like Steve has been for us.”
“Steve seems like he’s a great father.”
“He is,” Ryan agreed. “The best.”
“My dad, from what I remember, was a great dad too.”
“I’m sorry that you weren’t able to grow up with him in your life,” Ryan said, wishing that he could have changed that about her past.
“Me, too. I really needed him, and I have a feeling Jason would have benefitted from his presence in our lives too.”
“You know my dad is happy to play the role of grandfather to Jason, and clearly, as you saw today, it wouldn’t be a hardship.”
Hannah fell quiet as Ryan turned into the parking lot of the store. It didn’t look to be too full, so he was able to find a parking spot close to the doors. Once inside, he got a cart and then followed Hannah further into the store.
“Do you want to split up?” Ryan asked. “Or would you rather we stay together?”
Her brow furrowed. “Uh…whatever is most convenient for you.”
Ryan wondered if she was concerned about facing the store by herself, or if she was just uncomfortable telling him that she wanted to be on her own. “I just realized that I should probably get some stuff of my own. I’ve been borrowing from my brothers, so I’m sure they’ll be happy to get their clothes back. I’ll just be in the men’s section. You can call me if you need anything.”
She held his gaze for a moment before giving a quick nod. “It shouldn’t take too long.”
“I’ll leave the cart with you,” Ryan said, then made his way over to the men’s section.
While he usually took extra time when he picked out clothes for himself, right then, he just grabbed a pair of jeans to try on, and when they fit fine, he picked up another identical pair along with some sweatpants and a handful of long-sleeved T-shirts in a few different colors. Lastly, he found the underwear and socks he usually bought.
The shoes they’d given him in Kabul had been new, and they fit just fine. They’d also had a pair of boots waiting for him at the house. It had been easy to get him shoes that fit well since his foot size hadn’t changed during his captivity the way his waist size had.
When he returned to where he’d left Hannah a short time earlier, his arms full of clothes, he found her standing next to a large circular rack with a clearance sign on top of it. Ryan paused for a moment to watch her. He noticed that her head was bent forward, her hair shielding her face. Had someone recognized her or said something to her?
“How’s it going?” he asked as he put his clothes into the cart. He saw there were a few things already there, but not as many as he’d thought there’d be. “Are you finding what you need?”
“It’s taking a bit more time than I thought it would.” She looked up at him, her brows drawn together, then back down at the clothes on the rack. “I had to try on a few things to figure out what size I am now.” Glancing at the cart, her eyes widened. “How did you get all that so quickly?”
“I tried on one pair of jeans, and when they fit, I grabbed another pair of the same style. T-shirts were easy since I grabbed the same size as I used to wear, figuring a little bagginess wasn’t an issue. I think it’s a little easier for us guys.”
Hannah nodded at that. “I won’t be too much longer.”
“Take your time,” Ryan said. “I’m going to pick up a few more things.”
“Are you sure?” Hannah asked, her hands gripping the hanger of a shirt she’d pulled off the rack.
“Yep. No rush. I’ll be back in a bit.”
Hannah watched as Ryan disappeared around a corner, then looked down at the shirt she held. With a sigh, she put the hanger back on the rack. She turned and grabbed the handle of the cart, staring at all the stuff Ryan had added. If only it were as easy for her to make decisions.
Out of habit, she’d gone to the plus size section, but when she’d held up the size she usually bought against her body, she’d realized it would no longer fit. In that moment, she was reminded again of the changes she’d undergone, feeling as if she’d lost touch with herself. Her body was hers…and yet it wasn’t.
Where she’d once had softness, now ridges and sharp angles of bones met her touch. The way she moved felt different. The way she filled a space felt different. In the cell, it hadn’t been as noticeable. Because she’d been in a foreign place, it felt right to feel foreign in other aspects as well. But now, back in the world she’d left behind, nothing felt right.
She took a deep breath and, knowing she had a job to do, turned back to the rack. So far, she’d picked up a pair of sweatpants, a sweatshirt, and a T-shirt. All of them she’d picked up because they’d felt soft to the touch. She could imagine wearing them, feeling them wrap her in comfort.
It was ridiculous to be picking out clothes on touch alone, but over the past year, she’d stopped relying much on her sight. She’d been forced to. Even though she’d been let out
of the cell to help Armeena, she’d still spent many more hours in darkness than in light.
Hannah picked up the sweatshirt she’d put in the cart and looked at the size. Based on the sizes of the clothes they’d given her in Kabul, she had a feeling it would still be too big. She had to be sensible about this. If she was going to be buying new clothes, they had to be things she’d actually wear. It didn’t matter if they looked flattering, but they did have to look better than clothes six sizes too big would.
Returning the too-large items to their places, she took the time to find what she hoped would be proper sizes. She chose to go up one size from the clothes she was wearing, figuring she’d likely gain some weight. At the very least, they wouldn’t be too small.
After finding the right sizes, she returned to the rack and began to search more carefully, aware that Ryan would be returning soon, and she needed to be ready to go. Maybe she just needed to take a page out of his book and try on a pair of jeans and then grab a bunch of T-shirts. Given that she didn’t care much beyond having clothes that were comfortable, she could probably get away with doing that.
Having made her decision, she found a pair of jeans in what she hoped was the right size, then went to the dressing room to try them on. Once she determined that they fit okay without being too loose or too tight, she went back and grabbed a second pair. Then she found a display with long-sleeved T-shirts and picked up three in the colors she liked most, glad to feel that they were also soft to the touch.
Next, she found the underwear section and picked up a package of underwear and some socks. She’d wanted to pick up some bras as well, but she wasn’t sure at all about that size after her weight loss. In the end, she settled for a couple of sports bras that would be comfortable, if nothing else.
When she had everything she felt she needed, Hannah returned to the section where Ryan had left her. He showed up a few minutes later, a basket in his hand.
“Ready to go?” he asked as he glanced down at the cart. “It looks like you managed to find a few more things.”
“Yeah. I decided to use your strategy. I figured it would work well enough for the time being.” She looked at the basket as he set it in the top part of the cart. “What is all this?”
“I figured it was time we caught up on a few more things we missed while in that cell.” He grinned as he patted the stack of junk food. “Do you need anything for Jason? We can take a swing by the baby department if you do.”
“I think your mom and sisters have him pretty well taken care of,” Hannah said. “I haven’t noticed anything he needs, and the nurse hasn’t said anything either.”
“So we’re done then?”
Hannah hesitated then said, “I think so. I’ll need more shampoo and conditioner eventually, but what I have should last for a while yet.”
Ryan pushed the cart toward the front of the store. There were a few people in line, so they had to wait for several minutes before reaching the cashier.
Hannah unloaded her things, then grabbed her purse and waited as the cashier began to ring them through. When they got to the end of what she’d picked up, Hannah moved forward to pay, but the woman picked up the first of Ryan’s items.
“Um…these will be separate,” Hannah said, not wanting to make it seem like she wouldn’t want to pay for Ryan’s things, but she couldn’t afford to.
“Just put them all together,” Ryan said. “I’ll take care of it.”
Hannah looked at him and shook her head. “It’s fine. I have a way to pay for mine.”
Ryan stepped close, bending his head to speak to her. “Hannah, let me take care of this. Keep your money for now, okay?”
“You don’t have to do this,” Hannah said. “I do have my own money.”
His brows drew together over his dark eyes. “I know I don’t have to, but just let me take care of this. You can pay me back when you’re more settled.”
She hesitated then gave him a nod. Then he, in turn, gave the cashier a nod to continue. Hannah was frustrated by her situation. She wanted to be able to argue with Ryan that she could pay for her own things—which she could—but there was also wisdom in Ryan’s words. She didn’t have a job yet, so it was smart to save her money until she did.
It felt wrong to rely on virtual strangers to support her during this time, but she really had no choice. Until she had a job and could earn enough money to support herself and Jason, she had no one else to rely on. All she could do was try her best to keep track of what was being spent and repay it when she could.
Once they were at the car, Ryan told her to get into the car while he loaded their things in the back. A wind had kicked up while they were in the store, so Hannah didn’t argue with him. The prairie winter was something she was going to have to get used to again.
“I’m sorry if I upset you in there,” Ryan said as he pulled out of the parking lot. “I just want you to know that until you’re more settled, you don’t have to worry about money.”
“I called my credit card company today to make sure that my card was still active, and it was, so I can pay for things.”
“But you can’t pay off the credit card though, right?” Ryan said, glancing over at her.
Hannah looked away from him, staring out at the cars in the lane beside them. “I have some money in my bank account, but I just need to call them to make sure the account is accessible, and to get another bank card.”
“We’ll do what we can to help you with that, if you’d like.”
“I think this is something I have to do myself.” And even if it weren’t, she would do it anyway. The sooner she started to do these things for herself, the better.
“Okay, but if you have any issues, let me know.”
The ever-present offer of help. Though she knew she couldn’t move forward without help, Hannah was getting tired of the offers coming from Ryan. She needed distance from this man. Space. She was already finding it difficult to be with him, especially in situations like this.
Her heart was already starting to imagine things that could never be possible. There were too many things that stood in the way of the future her heart wanted. Her mind was well aware of each and every reason why they couldn’t be together, but that didn’t stop her heart from dismissing them all.
For the longest time, she’d been content to have superficial friendships with people in her life. But right then, Hannah really wished she had just one friend she was close enough to talk to about all of this. One who could give her advice. One who would understand why things between her and Ryan would never work.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Back at the house, Hannah thanked Ryan for taking her to the store, then she carried her bags upstairs, brushing aside his offer to help. As she stepped into her room, she heard noises from the nursery and walked through the connecting bathroom to find Emily with Jason at the change table.
“Hello, sweetheart,” Emily said when Hannah approached them. “Did you have much success at the store?”
“Yes. I think I’ve got enough clothes now,” Hannah said. “At least for as long as it’s cold.”
“Did you have to buy anything for Jason?” Emily asked. “I should have checked to see if there was anything you needed for him. The girls have plenty of stuff they can pass on to you for him as he gets bigger.” The older woman gave her a quick smile. “And not all of it’s pink.”
Hannah returned her smile. “I don’t think Jason would complain if he had to sleep in a pink sleeper anyway.”
“So do you think you need anything more for him?”
“Not at the moment,” Hannah told her. “But even though he’s small for his size, he’s already grown so much since he was born.”
“Babies do that,” Emily agreed as she lifted Jason off the change table. “And Mommy’s love is the best fertilizer for growing babies. Right, little one?” She handed him to Hannah. “I just fed him a little bit ago, so he’s probably ready for a nap.”
That sounded
like a good idea to Hannah because walking around the store had left her exhausted. “I’ll see if he’ll go down for a bit.”
“Would you like some lunch first?” Emily asked. “Or did you grab something while you were out?”
Hannah shook her head. “No, we didn’t, but I’m fine. I’m more tired than hungry.”
“Okay, well, just help yourself to food if you’re hungry when you wake up. We’re having chicken and dumplings for supper, so do save some space for that.”
“I will,” Hannah said, swaying back and forth with Jason in her arms.
“Good girl.” Emily smiled. “I’ll see you two later.”
Once she was alone, Hannah went into her room and settled into the softness of the rocker with Jason. She tucked one leg up then used her foot to set the chair in motion. After positioning Jason lengthwise across her body, Hannah pulled the fleece blanket from the arm of the chair over to cover them both.
Jason’s dark eyes looked up at her, his blinks getting slower and slower over the next little while. Once it seemed he was out for the count, Hannah got up and carefully lowered him into the small crib next to her bed. She waited, gently rubbing his stomach, until she was sure that he wasn’t going to wake back up.
Satisfied that he was going to stay asleep, she slid under the covers of the bed and turned on her side, pulling her arms tightly against her chest. Thankfully, sleep came quickly.
Ryan unwrapped a Caramilk bar then broke off a square and popped it into his mouth. He relished the way the chocolate melted on his tongue, mixing with the caramel. It was all he could do not to moan his appreciation.
“Don’t let that spoil your appetite, Ry,” his mom said from where she stood at the stove. He’d been keeping her company as she worked on dinner, occasionally pitching in when she assigned him a job. “I made one of your favorites.”
“Everything you cook is my favorite, Mama.” He flashed her a smile as he ate another square of chocolate. “But so are Caramilk bars.”
She gave him an exasperated look as she shook her head. “How many did you buy?”
A Little Ray of Sunshine_A Christian Romance Page 17
