Ryan felt as if a load had been lifted from his shoulders after having the conversation with his mom. He’d thought about talking to Bennett about it before, but now that he’d talked to his mom, he was willing to let it go. It was one of the things he’d discussed with the therapist, but it felt more resolved now.
That topic of conversation ended when Dalton popped his head in to say hi. Once the teens were home from their after-school activities, it wasn’t long before the other family members began to show up.
Ryan went with his mom to the kitchen to help with supper. It took him a few minutes to understand why he was feeling disappointed each time he looked at the doorway when someone arrived. He told himself it was just because he was concerned about Hannah being out for so long. He’d felt responsible for her since that first day he’d realized who she was, and he hadn’t managed to lose that feeling even after he knew that she was safe.
“Is your wife coming home for dinner, Gabe?” Ryan asked a short time later, unable to keep from wondering when Hannah might come home.
Gabe grinned at him. “Yes, my wife will be home in a few minutes. She just got stuck in some traffic.”
Ryan wanted to glare at him, but instead, he just nodded and finished preparing the salad his mom had asked him to make. His dad was busy straining the noodles while his mom ladled her spaghetti sauce from the slow cooker into a couple of bowls. Danica and Dalton were preparing the garlic toast. Others were helping to set the table and pour water.
His dad had just finished saying grace when Ryan heard the front door open. Without much thought, he got to his feet and headed toward the foyer.
“Hey, Ryan,” Maya said with a smile when she spotted him. “Is dinner ready?”
“Yeah. We’re just digging in.” He turned to Hannah and held out his hand toward Jason’s car seat. “Can I take that for you?”
“Sure.” Hannah gave him a quick smile as she set the car seat down and tugged off her gloves. As she unwound her scarf, she said, “I think he’s asleep though, so just put him next to my chair.”
Ryan lifted the seat up. “Will do.”
“Thanks.” She pulled off her knit cap, causing her hair to lift with static. Smoothing it down with one hand, she tugged down the zipper of her jacket with the other.
Ryan waited until they’d hung up their coats before he followed them into the dining room. By now, they’d all fallen into the habit of sitting at the same seats for the evening meal when most of them were there. Hannah walked to where there were two seats empty, side by side. Once she sat down, Ryan set Jason’s seat next to her.
“Should we uncover him?” Ryan asked Hannah.
“Yeah, we probably should,” she said as she shifted sideways in her chair and leaned forward to lift the blanket off of the car seat.
When Ryan sat down, he glanced at Jason to find that he was sound asleep as Hannah had predicted. As he watched the baby sleep, he was glad that Jason would have no memory of the first months of his life. It was enough that he and Hannah would.
When Hannah straightened and turned to face the table, Ryan began to hand her the bowls of food that had been set in front of his plate. Though she was definitely taking—and eating—more food than she had when they’d first come home, her plate was still far from full.
“Did you have fun at the mall?”
Hannah glanced at him then nodded. “I didn’t use to like to wander the mall, but I really enjoyed it today. It was nice to get out and to be able to walk around with Jason without worrying that it was too cold for him.”
“Lots of big purchases?”
That brought a smile to her lips. “Uh…no. I bought a few things that were on sale, but otherwise, we managed to keep our purchases to a minimum.”
“Even you, babe?” Gabe asked.
Maya grinned. “Okay, maybe not to a minimum, but I did need what I bought. Mostly.”
She shared a look with Hannah that had them both laughing. Ryan enjoyed the way Hannah’s face lit up, and it was encouraging to see that she seemed to be connecting with Maya. He wasn’t too surprised that the two of them had hit it off the best of everyone.
He’d thought maybe Hannah would connect with Makayla, since they both seemed a bit reserved, but he wondered if perhaps Makayla’s friendship with Grace had held Hannah back a bit. Regardless of who it was, Ryan was just grateful that Hannah seemed to be forming a friendship with someone.
When he went back home to Minneapolis, he really wanted to know that she had at least one friend she could turn to. He knew his day of departure was drawing closer and closer. His therapist had offered to continue to have sessions with him via video calls, and although he knew that he didn’t have to go back to work yet, he felt like he needed to.
It was going to be hard enough as it was to leave the family as well as Hannah and Jason, but it would only get harder, the longer he put it off. He didn’t want to think about that though. It was time to get back to his life now that he knew Hannah didn’t need him anymore.
But why did that thought bother him so much?
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
The nightmare came that night, worse than it ever had before, trapping Hannah in the terror she’d worked so hard to forget. But this time, Jason was there with her, and they were threatening him. The desperate need to protect him consumed her, but unseen hands held her firmly in their grip, stopping her from going to him. All she could do was cry his name and pray that someone—anyone—would come to their rescue.
“Hannah!”
The familiar voice calling her name over and over dragged Hannah far too slowly from the depths of the nightmare. She fought to free herself from the ropes of terror that bound her to the past.
“Hannah. You’re safe,” the voice said as cool gentle hands touched her face. “Wake up.”
Finally, Hannah opened her eyes to see Marion’s face, concern etched deeply into her expression. She lay for a moment, feeling chilled as the sweat covering her body cooled in the night air. Pushing back her hair, she struggled into a sitting position and sat slumped over for a moment, her arms wrapped tightly across her middle.
The mattress dipped as Marion sat down beside her and continued to make calming circles on her back. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah.” Hannah took a breath and slowly blew it out. “Just a nightmare.”
“I heard you from the nursery and was worried. Are you sure you’re okay?”
Hannah nodded, hating that someone was seeing her in such a state. “I have the nightmares periodically.”
“I’m sure that’s to be expected, but that one seemed very intense. Are they always like that?” the nurse asked.
“No.” Most times they were—but Hannah wouldn’t tell her that. No one needed to know about the terrors that haunted her dreams, sometimes so strongly that she wondered if she’d ever escape them.
This was the worst one she’d had so far. The nightmares had lessened considerably since she’d come to realize that Ryan wasn’t a threat to her. His presence in the cell had seemed to help keep the worst of the nightmares at bay. Why had they come back now? The threat of violence was gone. Nothing should have prompted such a bad one.
“Can I get you anything?”
Hannah shook her head. “I think I’ll just go get something to drink downstairs.” She looked up at the nurse. “Thank you for waking me.”
Marion smoothed a hand over Hannah’s head in a gesture she’d no doubt used with her own children. “Are you talking with someone about what happened to you?”
It wasn’t the first time she’d been presented with the suggestion that she needed counseling, but this time, she realized that maybe it wasn’t optional any longer. What would happen if she had these nightmares while she was on her own with Jason? What if her screaming woke him because there was no one to wake her, and he was left alone, crying in fear, while she tried to free herself from the terrors?
“I’m not,” she told Marion, running her trembling ha
nds over her hair before lowering them to her lap. She clenched them together, trying to stop them from shaking. “But maybe it’s time I did.”
“Why did you become a nurse?” Marion asked, her hand moving to cover Hannah’s.
“To help people. To give aid to those who needed it,” Hannah said, thinking back to her decision to become a nurse. It was all she’d ever wanted to be because she had wanted to help people who couldn’t help themselves.
“And just like you wanted to help people physically, the people who have become counselors and psychologists have done so to help people mentally and emotionally. There is no shame in seeking help from them when you need it.” Marion’s hand tightened on hers briefly. “Let them help you heal your mind. Help you learn how to deal with all that’s happened to you. You don’t have to do it all alone.”
Hannah felt tears spill over. She ducked her head and tried to take deep breaths to calm herself. “Thank you.”
A squawk from the other room had them both turning in that direction. “I think he’s due for another feed.”
She straightened, pulling her hands free from Marion’s. “Let me do that for him.”
“That’s a good idea,” Marion said. “Why don’t I get you something to drink while you feed him? What would you like?”
“Just some milk, I think.”
“Okay. You take care of Jason, and I’ll take care of you,” Marion said as she got to her feet. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
Hannah nodded then slid out of bed, bracing her hand on the mattress for a minute to give her legs a chance to regain their strength. Once she was confident she could walk without stumbling, she made her way to the nursery.
After putting a bottle together, she stuck it in the warmer then leaned over the crib to lift Jason into her arms. “Hi, baby boy.”
By the time Marion returned, Hannah was settled in the rocking chair giving Jason his bottle. The woman set the glass of milk along with a cookie on the small table beside the chair. Hannah picked up the cookie and took a bite before lifting the glass for a sip of the milk.
“Feeling better?” Marion asked.
“Yes. Thank you.”
Once Jason was settled, Hannah returned to her room and sank down on the bed. She turned off the lamp, plunging the room into semi-darkness. For a moment, she wanted to turn the nightlight off too, so the room would be completely dark. How twisted was it that she wanted to be back in that cell, only because it meant that Ryan would be there with her?
She glanced at the door, remembering when he’d pointed out his room in case she needed him. At that moment, she needed him, but there was no way she would knock on his door. She had to learn to stand on her own two feet and to face those nightmares on her own. And the only way she could do that was if she finally admitted she needed professional help.
Ryan slammed the door to his mom’s car and hurried across to the steps leading to the house. Though he was used to the cold since Minneapolis could also have fierce winters, it seemed that the cold in Winnipeg was more intense. More bone-chilling.
He opened the door and quickly stepped inside. Stomping the snow from his boots, Ryan unzipped his jacket then hung it up in the closet before toeing off his boots. Still rubbing his hands to get warmth into them, he made his way further into the house. The kitchen was empty, so he went to the next logical place which was the family room.
It was his mom’s favorite room—no matter what the season—and that’s where he found her. Jason was in the swing next to her, asleep.
“How was your workout?” she asked when she spotted him.
“Fine.” He went to her and gave her a kiss then looked down on Jason. “Where’s Hannah?”
“I’m not sure,” his mom said. “She just asked if I could watch Jason for a couple of hours, and then Max and Yuka came to pick her up.”
Ryan frowned as he sank down on the loveseat next to his mom. It was strange that she’d asked his mom to watch Jason that afternoon after she’d already watched him that morning. The night nurse had said that Hannah had been up through the night and was still sleeping when she’d brought Jason down. Ryan had left for the gym as usual, figuring he’d talk with her when he got home.
He felt a touch on his arm and looked over to see his mom’s hand resting there. “You feel something for her.”
Though he wanted to brush off her comment with a glib response, he didn’t. Instead, he nodded. “She’s…special.”
“Yes. I can see that.” His mom hesitated. “But she’s wounded. Hurting. Sometimes you can’t heal someone.”
Ryan straightened, turning so he could face her. “The wounded deserve love too, Mom. You know that.” He frowned at her. “I can’t believe you’d try to warn me away from her because she’s struggling.”
“It’s not that, sweetheart,” his mom said, reaching out to cup his cheek. “I just don’t want you to get hurt. She holds herself apart from everyone. Even you.”
“Yes, she has walls up right now, but it’s only because she has to.” His thoughts went back to their time in the cell. “She helped me, Mom. I was losing hope fast. Then I woke up to her singing one day. About sunshine. Heavenly Sunshine. And for the first time in months, I had a ray of hope once again. She may have been wounded, but her faith was strong enough to bolster mine.”
“Do you love her? Or is it just gratitude?” His mom’s gentle question drew Ryan’s gaze for a moment.
“Can it be both?” Ryan asked. “During the time we spent together, we learned a lot about each other. She sang for me and showed me her strength.”
“But she didn’t trust you with the information about Jason. Maybe she doesn’t feel the same way about you.”
Ryan nodded. There was a pretty high likelihood that she didn’t. Given the horrors she’d endured, would she even want to ever be with a man again? Maybe that would be impossible for her, even if that someone loved her. Ryan wanted to be by her side, regardless, but it couldn’t be just what he wanted.
“Then let her know you love her,” his mom said.
Ryan wasn’t sure that was the best idea, at least not telling her the words outright, but he was happy to show her with actions. If she’d let him. So far, he’d tried to, but more often than not, she’d brushed aside his efforts.
“If you are set on this path,” his mom said, “be patient. Love in a normal situation requires patience. Love in this situation will require a lot more.”
“Good thing I’ve always been a fairly patient person,” Ryan said. “Goodness knows I’ve been patiently waiting for the woman God has for me.”
“And you feel that it’s Hannah?”
“Yes. I do.” As Ryan spoke the words, something locked into place within him. If it was God’s will for him to love Hannah through all the difficult times that lay ahead, he would do it and trust that God would be there for him.
Jason started to stir, and his mom turned toward him. “He’s probably hungry. It’s been almost three hours since he last ate.”
“Are they stretching the feeding times out?” Ryan asked as he got up and went to unstrap Jason from the swing.
“It seems they’re giving on-demand feedings a try and have upped the amount they’re giving him.”
“Guess he’s making progress then.” Ryan looked down at Jason, seeing how he gnawed on his tiny fist.
“I’ll get him a bottle.” His mom got to her feet and headed out of the family room.
Ryan followed more slowly, talking to the fussing baby. Once in the kitchen, he sat down at the breakfast nook with him and watched as his mom got the bottle ready. She had just handed it to him when they heard the front door open.
Hannah appeared in the entrance to the kitchen with Yuka and Max behind her. Ryan took one look at her face and got to his feet. He quickly moved to his mom and held Jason out to her. Their gazes met for a moment then his mom nodded and took the baby from him.
With a nod at Yuka and Max, Ryan slipped his arm around
Hannah’s shoulder and turned her toward the stairs. He thought she might object, but she allowed him to lead her upstairs and into one of the bedrooms that was currently not in use. The curtains were drawn, and when he closed the door, the room plunged into darkness.
He reached for Hannah’s arm. Feeling her tense beneath his grip, Ryan slipped his hand down her arm and interlaced his fingers with hers. “C’mon. Let’s sit down.”
Comfortable with the set up of the room, Ryan guided Hannah through the darkness to where the bed was situated. Then, like they’d sat in her room a few nights earlier, he helped her settle on the floor at the foot of the bed. Without taking his hand away from hers, he sat beside her, their arms brushing against each other as they leaned against the bed.
They sat in silence for a few minutes, Ryan trying to forget the shattered, exhausted look on Hannah’s face when she’d walked in. Her fingers tightened on his, then relaxed, then tightened again. He wanted to bring whatever it was between them out into the light, but he sensed that if she was going to talk to him—at least this first time—it would have to be in darkness.
“I just want to forget.” Her words were followed by a sob. “I don’t want to remember that time anymore.”
Ryan struggled for the right words to say. He wanted to forget that time too, but what he wanted to forget didn’t even come close to being as painful as her memories. “I’m sorry that you can’t forget what happened. I wish that there was some way to take those memories from you.”
“What am I going to do? How can I live this way?”
“Where were you this morning?” Ryan asked. “What upset you so much?”
Hannah sighed then he felt her head come to rest against his shoulder. “I had a bad nightmare last night, and when I talked to Marion after she woke me up, she helped me realize that I needed to get some help. So I called Max this morning, and he and Yuka came to take me to someone he trusted to help me.”
“How did it go?”
“It was hard. I’m not used to talking about what happened. I felt so…so broken as I shared some of what went on over there. I didn’t even talk about the worst of it, and still it felt like my broken pieces broke even further.” She gave a hiccupping sob. “I’m such a mess.”
A Little Ray of Sunshine_A Christian Romance Page 26
