by C. A. Harms
Me: Come get me. I’ve been drinking.
No way did I belong behind the wheel.
My phone vibrated, but this time Jackson was calling me.
“You on your way?” I didn’t even bother saying hello.
“Nope, I walked to the bar from my loft. I got here a couple hours ago,” he said. “Drinking too. Call Noah and have him come to get ya.”
“He’s on duty.”
“Well then, he’ll be sober. You can stay in town tonight at my loft,” he offered.
Jackson knew where things were with Olivia right now. He understood my struggle. It hurt like a bitch fighting with my little girl. My stomach was in knots knowing we were so far apart right now, emotionally.
I hung up with Jackson and called Noah. I didn’t give him the chance to deny me a ride; he owed me. I had saved him on more than one occasion, and he knew one day he would need me again, so he better just do as I asked.
The moment his headlights came into view, I was jogging down my driveway to meet him. I quickly crawled inside and slammed the car door.
“Have you talked to Olivia yet?” he asked as we drove toward town.
I shook my head and continued to stare forward. I had tried to call her twice today, but both times my mom told me she was wasn’t ready to talk.
“She’ll come around, Ry. She’s just a kid, and she just needs a little time,” he assured me as we pulled into the parking lot of Roger’s Pub.
I knew he was right, but I didn’t like waiting. Which reminded me, I didn’t like competing either.
I was a man on a mission as I slammed the door to the cruiser and walked toward the front entrance of Roger’s. I tilted my head in Jackson’s direction as I walked by, offering him a quick nod before I sought Amber out. My gaze landed on the gorgeous, brown-haired beauty with big, brown eyes. She hadn’t seen me approaching, but the girl I hadn’t yet had the chance to meet looked up just before I stopped at the edge of the table.
“And you must be Ryan,” she said with a grin.
The fact she knew me already made my stomach tense with excitement. It meant Amber had told her about me. I shifted my gaze to the girl that had my insides all tangled up. “Hey, beautiful,” I said as I leaned over and placed my lips against hers. Her surprised intake of breath only made my heart beat faster. “Dance with me,” I whispered before taking her hand, lifting upward, and leading her toward the dance floor, not giving her the chance to turn me down. I caught the irritated look on Eric’s face when I spun her around in front of me and pulled her in tightly against my chest. The sweet scent of her body engulfed me as I buried my face against the side of her neck.
“I thought you were mad at me,” she confessed with her face tucked against my chest.
I pulled back and looked down at her. She worried her lip between her teeth, and I hated how seeing that made me feel. I was torn between what my body wanted and all the emotions running through my mind.
Before I could talk myself out of it, I dipped my head and placed my lips against hers. She fisted her hands in my shirt, trying to pull me in even tighter. There was no room left between us, yet I felt like I needed to be closer.
We swayed from side to side in time with the music as we continued to kiss and taste the sweetness of each other. My heart was racing, and the excitement of the moment was making my jeans feel a little tighter than they were when I arrived.
“You didn’t do anything for me to be mad about,” I assured her before placing another soft kiss against her lips. “You’re just trapped in the middle of something me and my daughter need to work out.”
“I don’t want to be in the middle. I don’t want to cause problems for the two of you.” Her words made me grip her tighter. I didn’t want to give her the chance to back away from me.
I don’t know if it was the alcohol talking or if it was the alcohol that was helping me lower the walls and allow my true feelings to come out, but I needed her close. “I want this, Amber.” I placed my forehead against her and just went for it. “I’ve felt so alone the last three years. I’ve floated through life and thought there wasn’t a chance I could ever be happy again. Then you showed up here, and for the first time in so long, I feel like I got a part of me back. A part I thought I lost forever.”
My throat burned, and I could feel the urge to give in to my emotions. I closed my eyes tightly, fighting them off. The burn in my throat made it almost impossible to swallow.
“I can’t be your void filler, Ryan,” she whispered.
I opened my eyes and stared back at her worried expression. “I really like you.” She smiled “I think about you all the time, even when I shouldn’t.” Her face reddened, and she bit on her lower lip, doing the worried kneading once more. “I just need to know you’re fully ready to move forward. I’m not oblivious to the fact you will always love Claire. I know that, and that’s one of the reasons I think you’re such an amazing man. You love with your entire heart.”
Tears filled her eyes, and my stomach tightened.
Amber looked down at her hands as she played with the neckline of my shirt. “I just don’t want to let myself feel more for you and then find out I was just a practice run, something that helped you get over that hump before you really started living again.” Her shyness set in as she stared at her hands on my chest.
“Seeing you around town would be slightly torturous if I wasn’t able to touch you.” She was attempting to break the tension that had set in between us.
I lifted her chin with my fingertips and took her mouth once more. I wasn’t the only one with fears, and I hadn’t even stopped obsessing over my own thoughts long enough to realize Amber had concerns of her own.
Kissing her calmed me, and I hoped it would have the same effect on her. When I felt her relax in my arms, I took the opportunity to just hold her close. The stress I felt over Olivia and the last twenty-four hours gave way, allowing me the chance to breathe.
“I promise you I would never use you or string you along. I wouldn’t intentionally hurt you,” I whispered against her ear while continuing to move my hips against hers.
Over the past few weeks, Amber had really changed my life without even meaning to. I had tried to remain neutral, not allowing myself to feel anything too heavy too fast. But I failed miserably, because I had found myself on more than one occasion imagining what my life would be like with her in it every day, wondering what it would feel like to come home to find her and Olivia waiting for me daily.
And those visions were more beautiful each time I thought of them.
Chapter Sixteen
Amber
Over the next two weeks life had gotten pretty hectic. Between the bakery and Alena deciding to stay for a while, I barely had time to do much else but work and spend time with her.
Ryan and I had gone out a few times, and I could still sense he was having trouble at home with Olivia. He tried to hide his worry, but it was impossible. When we were together, even if we were doing something as simple as watching a movie or going for a walk, his mind always seemed to be someplace else. Our dates always felt rushed too.
It was a slow day, and I hadn’t seen a customer in the last hour. Bailey had decided to catch up on some bookkeeping before heading off to the supermarket to fill up on our personal groceries we’d run short of in our apartment. I was about to go out of my mind from boredom. I had cleaned the dining area and moved on to wiping down the displays that held our fresh-baked goods.
My cell phone vibrated in my back pocket, and I pulled it out quickly, hoping it was Ryan. When Kevin’s name lit up the screen, I rolled my eyes. This was the third time he’d called in the last two days. The icon on my phone indicating I had awaiting messages confirmed that I still didn’t give a shit what he had to say. There was nothing left for us to say to each other. I had wasted enough of my life already, and I had no intentions of allowing him to waste any more.
I hit Ignore and shoved my phone into my back pocket again befor
e going back to cleaning things that didn’t need to be cleaned.
The bell on the door jingled as it bounced shut, causing me to instantly look up. The rag I’d been using to wipe the tables stilled against the marble as I stared at Ryan. He stood before me in his dark blue uniform with a single red rose in his hand.
“Hi,” he said, a smile tugging at his mouth.
I stood taller and dried my hands on the dish towel that hung over my shoulder. Without taking my eyes off him, I stepped around the table, appraising him in all his manliness. He truly was handsome. His jaw had just the right amount of scruff, and the uniform hugged his broad shoulders and chest just right. He lit up my insides with an extreme amount of excitement with just one smirk.
“Hello, handsome,” I replied as I hooked my thumbs in my back pockets. Silently, I begged for him to come closer, yet I stood patiently waiting for him to make the next move. Within seconds he was standing before me and placing the rose in my hand. “I can’t stay long,” he said. Instantly I felt disappointed, knowing this visit would be a short one. “But I wanted to ask you if you would come over for dinner tonight.”
I stared at him in shock. I had never been invited to his home, and to be perfectly honest, I thought he wouldn’t for a very long time. “Are you sure?” I questioned.
A knowing grin pulled at his lips, and he offered a gentle nod. “Yeah, I’m sure.” Ryan placed his hands on my hips and pulled me closer. “I know over the last couple weeks I’ve been a little distant. I’m sorry for that. Olivia finally came home from my parents’, and we’ve been doing a lot of talking. I’m not sure if it helped, but I am hoping things are starting to get better. Since she hasn’t officially been introduced to you, I told her I was going to ask if I could see you tonight for dinner.”
Yes, the idea of having dinner with Olivia and Ryan was intimidating. But my desire to see this work was stronger than my fear. I wanted something more than just the occasional date followed by a few stolen kisses to end our nights.
“What time should I be there?”
His grin grew wider, and he leaned and kissed me softly. “Is seven okay with you?” he asked in a soft, husky whisper.
“Seven is perfect,” I replied.
***
As I pulled into the driveway of Ryan’s house, my pulse was racing. That wild feeling you get when you’re unable to control what may be about to happen was rocking through me like a tidal wave.
I had spent twenty minutes with Bailey prior to leaving, twenty minutes of hearing over and over that things would work out. Now I sat in my car as it idled, staring at the house before me. The light shining from its huge windows highlighted its beauty.
A shadow through the blinds in the large picture window straight ahead caught my attention. Ryan was fisting his hair with one hand while he appeared to be holding his phone to his ear with the other. An uneasy feeling settled in my stomach as I continued to watch. After a few minutes he hung up and let his head hang forward.
I carefully crawled out of my car and walked up the driveway. Before I could knock, the front door opened, and there stood Ryan wearing a look of defeat. “Hey,” he offered, letting out a long, exhausted breath.
“Is everything okay?”
“Um…” He ran his hand through his hair once again. “Yeah, everything’s good. Come in.” He motioned with his hand as he stepped aside.
Taking a step past him, I took in the room slowly. The house had a large open-floor plan with the living room, kitchen, and dining room completely exposed from the front entrance. Huge windows opened up the entire back wall of the home, providing a gorgeous view that complimented the room perfectly.
“Your home is beautiful,” I whispered as I looked around. When I saw Olivia standing in an open doorway to what appeared to be a bedroom, my eyes immediately locked on hers. She had her arms crossed over her chest and a glare on her face.
Ryan’s hand on my lower back made me jump in surprise. “Sorry, baby,” he said. Olivia flinched at his endearment, and my stomach bottomed out even further. “I didn’t mean to scare you. Whatchya got there?” he asked, pointing at the dish in my hand.
“I thought since you both offered me dinner, I would bring dessert.” I held the plate out to him. My hands were shaking, but I did everything I could to maintain control. “We’ll have to warm it right before we eat it. Hot fudge brownie cake tastes so much better warm.”
Ryan’s eyes lit up, and before I knew what hit me, he leaned in and placed a kiss just to the side of my mouth. “Thank you, gorgeous. That was sweet of you.”
I was momentarily awestruck. He had the ability to overtake my train of thought. I jumped when I heard a door slam and looked back to find the bedroom door was now shut.
When I turned back to face Ryan, I saw the hurt in his eyes. “She’s uh…” He let out a long sigh, gripping the back of his neck in frustration.
“If this isn’t okay, I can—”
“No, you’re not leaving.” He stepped around me and guided me toward the kitchen. “This was her idea.” My stomach fell. Didn’t he want me here? “I agreed, of course, but…” He dropped into a chair at the table and reached for my hand. “I thought this was the turning point. Ya know, that she’d accepted us dating. She woke up this morning and said she thought I didn’t care about her feelings. She said I didn’t even offer to introduce the two of you, and how is she supposed to understand our relationship if she never gets a chance to get to know you too?”
“So she decided having me over for dinner was the best way?” I asked.
He pulled me into his lap, and I tried to brace myself but fell ungracefully against him. He wrapped his arms around me and held me close. “She wanted to spend time with you, so I thought what better way than having you over for dinner?”
I stared at him, my mouth hanging open slightly. Had he not thought about what me invading her home, her mother’s home, would do to her?
I pushed against him and stood. “Ryan, this is her home. Having another woman come to the home her mother and father made together really isn’t the best idea for our first real introduction. She obviously isn’t ready for something like that.” I suddenly felt even more out of place. “I should go,” I said as I turned toward the front door.
Ryan stood and wrapped his arms around my waist before pulling me back against him. “Don’t go,” he pleaded. “I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know how to make this work.” He truly sounded lost, and it broke my heart. He buried his face in my hair, inhaling deeply.
“Maybe she just needs more time.”
“I don’t know if she’ll ever be ready.” Carefully he turned me in his arms and looked down at me. He finally seemed to be exhausted from the struggle. “It took me so long to be able to look at another woman without feeling like I was deceiving Claire.” He cupped the side of my face with his hand and tipped my head back. His eyes locked on mine before he continued. “I was always too scared to move on, to take a chance. But the night Noah and I pulled up behind you when you were kicking and cussing your flat tire…” He smiled, and I closed my eyes tightly, remembering my embarrassment. “It was the first time in a long time I felt attracted to someone. At first it scared the shit out of me, but then you smiled and it was hopeless. You had me hooked.”
Ryan rested his forehead against mine, and my heart ached at his turmoil. “You make me feel again, Amber. I love how all the ache in my chest sort of fades away when I’m with you. And I just don’t know how to make Olivia understand that seeing you does not mean I’m trying to replace Claire. I just want to live again, and you make me feel alive.”
My throat burned with his declaration. I placed my hands on his chest and soothingly rubbed them up it until they came to rest on his shoulders. “You make me feel alive too. I just think me being here, in her home, isn’t the best solution. We need to tread lightly and make sure no matter what, her feelings are protected. I don’t want to be the cause for a falling out between the tw
o of you.”
Ryan kissed me gently before wrapping his arms around my waist and pulling me in tightly. “Sorry your night was ruined,” he said against my neck.
Chapter Seventeen
Ryan
“I can pick you up tomorrow. You just need to let me know what time,” I told Olivia as I filled out the last of my paperwork. I had just under an hour left at the station before I’d have two days off to relax.
I could hear Olivia shuffling around on the other end of the phone. “Jackie’s mom said we may go get our nails done tomorrow, so I’ll text you the time once I know.”
After Amber left the house the other night, I went directly into my daughter’s room, demanding we talk. Four hours and a whole lot of tears later, I walked out feeling even more confused. Teenage girls are hard as hell to follow. Everything, and I do mean everything, with them is escalated to unknown heights and then multiplied by five, and there is no hope once it reaches that magnitude. You just have to walk away and take a breather.
Three days later it was as if nothing had even happened. Well, that is, as long as I left anything involving Amber and me out of all our conversations, things were fine. I knew Liv and I should talk about my relationship with Amber more, but the peace was kind of nice.
Tonight she would be staying with a friend of hers, and I had every intention of spending my evening with Amber. Things had been rocky between us lately. I was more than afraid at some point she may just say enough is enough and my chances with her would be over. After tonight I hoped she would know I was ready to take the next step.
“Okay, well, I’ll be leaving the station soon, and if you need anything, call me, okay?” I placed the last file in my drawer and stood from my desk.
“I know, Dad, but I’ll be fine. I grabbed everything I needed, and we’re just hanging out and ordering a pizza. I can’t think of anything I would need.”
