by HB Heinzer
My dad knocked on the basement door when he brought lunch to us. “Sounds amazing down here. Maddie, your mom would be so proud.” Tears were forming in his eyes. I silently begged him to stop before I started crying again.
“Thanks, Dad. I assume that means you're okay with them helping me out tomorrow?”
“You know I don't like admitting when I'm wrong, Moo-- sorry, Maddie. I was wrong. I'd be honored to have all four of you up there tomorrow. It's what your mom would have wanted and it's what I want too.” I glared back at my band mates who were snickering at my dad's use of my nickname, knowing there was no way I was going to escape it at this point.
“Thanks. I told you we knew more than just our stuff. But really, Travis and Jon deserve the credit. Trav was playing it when I walked down this morning and Jon's a genius at arranging music in a hurry.” I hugged my dad tightly. “They're good guys, I swear,” I whispered before letting him go.
Chapter Seven
We somehow made it through forty-seven minutes of questions from high school band students ranging from when we knew this is what we wanted to do to one charming kid asking the guys if they get laid a lot. I cringed at that question, not because of the answer but because I knew Garrett would be having words with the student after the final bell rang if he was half as serious as his dad. I almost felt sorry for the kid.
The short ride back to my parents' house was filled with laughter as we talked about the students' reactions to our impromptu appearance. Jon enjoyed it so much he asked what we thought about doing more stops like that in the towns we hit on tour. It was an unexpected turn but seemed to be a good way we could all give a little back and support music in schools.
When we pulled onto Lapham Drive, the short street was lined with vehicles. I wasn't looking forward to walking through the house with that many eyes watching our every move. I hoped everyone would be too busy getting ready to go to the funeral home to notice our arrival, giving us a few moments of peace.
Even though I told the guys they didn't have to come to the visitation, they insisted they were going to be there for my family through everything we were facing. While there'd never been a question that we were all close, I was beginning to see that I wasn't the only one who saw the others as family.
Mark called my band mates down to the rec room to disperse the clothes he'd picked up for them. When I finished getting myself ready, I walked into the basement to see my brother inspecting his handiwork in transforming my hard rocking friends into debonair gentlemen. I hadn't questioned whether or not they were capable of cleaning up well but Mark had truly outdone himself. Each article of clothing seemed handpicked to play up their best features.
Jon and Colton had their hair slicked back into low ponytails and Mark was fussing with Travis's to give his normally just screwed look a bit of a GQ sophistication. I felt like a proud mama, looking at them all dressed up and ready to go.
I'd love to say my friends blended into the crowd since they were dressed the part but that would be a lie. From my place in the receiving line, listening to an endless line of people offer their words of sympathy I could see the looks they were getting. Most people were curious about them and a few recognized them and asked for autographs. That surprised me because, again, I didn't think anyone in my former life knew or enjoyed our music.
Jon became the spokesperson for our little group, declining to sign any autographs because it was out of line for the evening. He did hand each person who asked a business card for our manager and let them know to be in contact and explain where they got the card and he'd “take care of them.” Had I been in his shoes, I'm not sure I would have thought to handle the situation that well. There's a reason we relied on him to be the brains of our little operation.
The visitation was schedule to end at eight but there was still a line of people waiting to pay their respects. Colton pulled me out of the line for a moment to let me know they were going to go back to the house and put out some food for when the family came home. I couldn't help but wonder if one of them had someone directing their movements like we do on stage. Many times throughout the day, my guys knew exactly what to do at just the right time.
“Thank you,” I whispered, brushing my lips across Colton's cheek as we hugged. Just like so many of the words I'd heard tonight, those two words seemed incredibly inadequate. There was no way to fully express how much it meant to me that the trio of men were committed to helping my family get through my mother's death.
“Don't mention it. You'd do the same for me.” He tightened his embrace and leaned down so our foreheads were touching. “I meant it when I told you that we'd do anything we could to help.” He softly kissed my forehead and released me to join my family. The scent of his cologne lingered on my clothes after he was gone giving me a reminder of the feelings I was trying to fight.
The spread of food covering the kitchen counter when we got home rivaled that of any green room I had experienced. Honestly, there was a small part of me that wondered if this had been planned ahead of time and they'd called a caterer to meet them at the house. I knew they hadn't, but these three men barely managed making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for themselves. Seeing they were capable of putting together a spread of cold cuts, cheese, fruit and pasta salads and dessert was impressive.
After an hour of practicing Dust in the Wind in the rec room, Colton and I excused ourselves to get some sleep. Matt narrowed his eyes when he saw us heading up the stairs together but didn't say anything. I knew he wasn't happy about the sleeping arrangement but I didn't really care. As long as I knew the truth and my father wasn't forbidding it, I was going to sleep next to my best friend.
“You guys really went above and beyond today, you know that?” I changed into my tank top and lounge pants, unphased by the fact that Colton was sitting on the bed watching me.
As Colton started unbuttoning his shirt I slid behind him to the closet. He handed me his shirt and I hung it up while he finished undressing. I chuckled at how domestic the entire situation would appear to most people. We were an old married couple who'd never shared more than a platonic kiss.
“What's so funny?”
“Us, that's what.” It was a bad sign that going to bed was quickly becoming the best part of my day. “I'm sure everyone in this house right now thinks we're together, and that's without seeing us getting ready for bed like any other married couple in America. You're handing me your clothes to hang up, I'm laying out everything we need for the morning. It's just weird.”
“Would it upset you if they think we're together?” Colton's question caught me by surprise. I wasn't sure how to answer, not wanting to make a fool of myself by saying the wrong thing, whatever 'the wrong thing' was.
“Not really. I mean, we know what we are, right?” I wanted to see where he would go with the conversation rather than letting on that part of me wanted there to be something more between us. I was still struggling with the thought of getting involved with someone I wouldn't be able to avoid if things didn't work out. I was on emotion overload with my mom's death. This wasn't really the time for me to make decisions like this.
“Right, but what do you want?” I want to not be talking about this. I want to be sleeping. Yes, it's something I had been thinking about but he couldn't possibly know that. That meant he'd been thinking about it too, so I had to assume that meant he was interested in something else as well. I would have figured he'd have long ago given up on chasing me since I did spend so much time telling him that we'd never be more than friends.
Colton tentatively wrapped his arms around my waist. I shied away from him, not wanting to deal with everything I was thinking and feeling. If we got involved, it couldn't be like this. I didn't want either of us wondering if it would have happened if I had been trying to fill the void left by Mom's death.
“I don't know, Colt. Can we talk about this later?” I slid between the covers and rolled towards the window. If I didn't look at him, I wouldn't have t
o deal with the emotions on his face, whatever they were.
“When would be a better time?” Colton asked sounding hurt. Why did he choose now to bring up this particular topic? Was he hoping to catch me in a moment of weakness?
“We've avoided talking about it for almost a year now. We sleep together every damn night. How much longer do we pretend neither of us feels anything for the other?”
I got out of the bed and started pacing near the windows. I wanted to scream at Colton. Even if I was having my own internal struggle with my feelings towards him, there couldn't be a worse time for us to discuss this.
“And you seriously think the night before my mom's funeral is the time to start a relationship? You really think I'm in a mental place to even think about shit like that?”
I wrung my hands through my falling curls trying to calm down before I totally lost it. The past few days had me sitting on the edge of a cliff and I really didn't want something that could otherwise be wonderful to be the thing that sent me plummeting into a rocky abyss.
Colton was sitting on the edge of the bed looking just as frustrated as I felt. “That's the thing. There's never a good time to talk about it. I can't bring it up when we're on the bus because I'm not getting into that shit when we can't get away from each other for a while. I can't say anything when we're home because we're always so fucking busy trying to get ready for what comes next. I just know it's driving me bat shit crazy and being here is making it worse.”
I spun around and glared at him. “No one said you had to come here. You were the one insisting that you needed to be here. So sorry I'm making things difficult for you.” This was going downhill. Fast.
I tried to get away as Colton walked towards me but he was too fast. He squeezed my arms forcing me to look at him. “Don't you get it? I do want to be here. I want to be here for you. I hate that you're hurting. I want to be the person you turn to when you're sad. I want to be the person you scream at when you're upset. That is why I wanted to be here. But right now I feel like I have to be so fucking careful to not touch you in a certain way, to not get too close. That's what's killing me.”
Not only was I a total shit daughter and sister, now I felt like a shit friend too. I'd been lying to myself for so long it had become easy to ignore what was right in front of me. The life I'd dreamed of when I left home was now an utter fucking nightmare.
My knees buckled under me as I the last thread holding together my fragile psyche snapped. I curled into a ball in the corner of my childhood bedroom, my chest heaving with every sob. Colton tried to pull me onto his lap when he sat next to me but I pushed him away. I didn't deserve his comfort. He was one of the many people I'd let down with my stubborn need to have things a certain way.
I awoke curled under my down comforter in my bed. I rolled over to see Colton staring at me, just as he did most mornings. When did I get in the bed?
“Morning,” I whispered, my voice hoarse from dehydration.
Colton brushed my red hair away from my face and I flinched. Why was he being so nice when I was such a bitch to him last night? He'd bared his soul to me and I took his words and pulverized them.
“Hey,” he said, leaning to kiss my forehead. “You need to start getting ready. I'll bring your coffee up.”
“You're still talking to me?” If roles were reversed, I wouldn't want to be within a mile of him. Rejection has always been one of my biggest fears. For a long time, it kept me from trying anything new. Truth be told, I still worried about rejection and criticism every day. I might try to put up a front that I don't give a shit about what people think of me but that's a lie. For better or worse, the acceptance of others has influenced nearly every decision I've made since the age of eighteen.
His arms wrapped around my waist pulling me close to his body. I didn't fight him. If the thought of being near me didn't make him ill, who was I to refuse him?
“No matter what, you'll always be my storm cloud. Last night just happened to be a small hurricane.” I laughed at his choice of words. “You're going through hell right now. You've been told a lot of things that have to be hard to deal with on top of your mom's funeral. I shouldn't have said anything, especially since you've always made it clear you'd never do anything with anyone involved with the band. I'm sorry.”
“Colt, it's not that...” I struggled, wondering if I should try to explain what was in my head or if that would make things worse. “If all of this wasn't going on right now, I don't know what I would have said. But seriously, I just can't even think about that right now. You are my everything and I'm terrified I'll screw that up. If that happens, not only do I lose my best friend, I risk tearing apart the band and losing all of my best friends. Even though things are changing here with my dad and my brothers, you, Jon and Trav are still my family too.”
“But what if it doesn't--”
I cut him off. The only way to avoid a reprise of last night was to avoid any more talk. “Let's try to get through the rest of the tour. We all talked about taking a few days to decompress, let's go somewhere so we can talk. That's the only way I can be certain I'm not making decisions for the wrong reasons.”
He thought about it for a minute, his eyes fixed on something outside my bedroom window. “I can live with that. Again, I'm sorry about last night. It was just so damn hard to see you falling apart yesterday. All I wanted to do was hold you but I didn't know what you'd do.”
We'd been thrust into a situation that had nothing to do with the band and we had no clue how to react to it. If we were at home in Portland and I was upset, he wouldn't have hesitated to give me a hug and tell me it would be okay. But here, where there were eyes on us that didn't understand our friendship, he'd frozen.
“You've been there for me for the past five years. Every time I have a rough day, you're the one getting me through it. Why would I have a problem with it now?” I wondered if his doubts had more to do with his growing feelings for me or with what my family would think seeing us together that way.
“I don't know, I just— fuck, am I turning into the girl in this relationship?” We both laughed. He was kind of being a whiny, insecure little bitch but it was cute on him.
“Yeah, a little. It's okay, what's happens in here stays in here. Hopefully you'll extend me the same courtesy and not tell anyone I went all psycho bitch on you last night.”
“You weren't that bad.” I threw him a look of total disbelief. “You weren't. Okay, so yeah, it was scary and you were a bitch, but you had your reasons.”
“About that coffee...” I looked at my phone and realized we had to hurry if we were going to get to the church on time. I had to be there an hour before the funeral for one last viewing and the guys were going to use that time to get set up.
As I stood at the back of the church greeting mourners who'd come to celebrate Mom's life with us, I couldn't help but steal glances to the front of the sanctuary where Travis and Colton were squeezing in a last minute rehearsal. I think they were more nervous about playing at the funeral than I was. Mike elbowed me when he heard me stifle a laugh. I couldn't help it, watching them sweat over performing in front of fewer than a hundred people who had no clue they did this for a living was cute.
“Sorry,” I said, lowering my eyes and biting my lip.
“No worries. Bad timing but it's good to see you smile.” Mike reached over to squeeze my shoulder. “Really good.” He winked before turning back to the line of people waiting to enter the church.
Leaving was going to be harder today than it had ever been before. Funny how learning your family doesn't hate you can have that effect on a person.
I followed my brothers to the front pew of the church we'd attended since I was a toddler. My guys were sitting at the far end of the pew waiting for me. Colton reached for my hand as soon as we were settled. I didn't resist. I didn't care what anyone thought about us, he was my rock and I needed him.
Once the pastor was done with his sermon, he nodded in our direction a
nd we took our places in front of the lectern. I took a few deep breaths, saying a silent prayer for the strength to get through this one song. I did my best to ignore the hushed whispers throughout the church as we prepared to start. I looked to my dad, nervous for a moment that this was a bad idea but he winked and Matt gave me a low thumbs-up. Those two simple gestures settled me enough to focus.
I should have known there was nothing to worry about. The three men standing next to me could pick up a new song and it would sound amazing within hours, so the classic rock ballad wasn't a challenge. You could almost see heads snapping to the front of the sanctuary as Travis and Colton started playing their beautiful duet arrangement. Colton looked to me a few bars before the intro ended to see how I was holding up. I nodded slightly to him, letting him know I was fine. That was a total lie. I had no clue how I'd managed to stave off the tears I could feel pressing against the back of my eyes.
I couldn't bear to look at the tears streaming down my dad's cheeks so I shut my eyes as I started singing. When my voice faltered near the end of the first verse, Colton and Jon both joined in with Colton on melody and Jon on harmony. I felt Colton's eyes on me as the violin solo bridge started. I'd gone over the fingerings so many times last night I started to feel like it was a nervous tick. I'd forgotten what a release it was to pull the bow against the strings and just feel the music. When the last chord echoed across the vaulted ceilings, there was stunned silence.
When my brothers stood to take their places along the right side of my mother's casket, my guys stood and walked to their instruments. My eyes grew wide, begging them to explain what they were doing but Jon simply nodded in my direction, letting me know it was okay. The sounds of an Amazing Grace duet on acoustic guitar filled the sanctuary as everyone walked to the back of the church. My dad looked at me and winked when I turned to see what was going on. I couldn't believe he knew about this and didn't tell me. I couldn't believe the guys had found time to talk to him about doing this for us. I was a very blessed, completely undeserving woman in many ways.
