Blessed Tragedy

by HB Heinzer

  Slightly buzzed from my post-show indulgences and thoroughly exhausted from a day in the sun, I alternated between trying to keep a straight face and fighting to stay awake, neither of which were good when Jon was in full-on business mode. He shot me a dirty look and I sat up, determined to not upset him since it had more than likely been a rough day behind the scenes.

  “Okay, so you guys already know all of this, but I need to bring Rain up to speed.” He looked over at me to make sure I was paying attention. “Tanya seems to have taken issue with Colton and Rain lately. As much as she tried to say it was because she felt their relationship was bad for us as a group, I don't think any of us bought that line.”

  Colton shifted in his seat, obviously uncomfortable with his name being brought up. I placed my hand on his thigh, trying to let him know I knew how he felt.

  “After the fiasco with her texting pictures to Colton and then her little outburst today, something had to be done. Effective immediately, Tanya is no longer employed by Blessed Tragedy. I'm hoping she'll be an adult, but if any of you see her anywhere in the restricted areas, call security.” He crouched down so he was looking directly into my eyes. “And don't you listen to a word she said. You're a hell of a lot more than eye candy. You're one of the most talented bitches in the business; probably one of few who can hang with the guys without a problem.”

  Sensing that the “meeting” was over, Trav grabbed a round of beers and the bottle of Jagermeister. As I tossed back the first shot, I hoped the worst of the bad times were behind me. I wanted to get through the rest of the summer without my life taking any more major turns.

  Chapter Twenty

  For the last two months of summer, life was wonderful. Colton and I quickly fell back into old habits, sharing the one bedroom on the bus every night but nothing more. He didn't push for more and I was grateful for that.

  As much as I missed him, missed making love with him, I couldn't allow myself to feel that vulnerable again. No matter how many times everyone told me I was crazy, I couldn't shake the feeling that letting my guard down had nearly ripped our group apart. If I never felt that way again, it would be too soon.

  Our final show for the summer was just outside Charlotte, North Carolina. Rather than spend days on the bus traveling to the opposite corner of the country, we hopped on a plane so we could fall into our own beds that night. Jared was staying with Colton since it wouldn't work too well for one member of the band to be in Illinois while the rest of us were in Portland.

  As hesitant as I'd been about adding a fifth member to the group, he quickly became a crowd favorite with his deceptively innocent, boy next door looks and playful attitude. Behind the scenes, we all took him under our wings and he was the little brother we never knew we wanted.

  Life was looking good for the Blessed Tragedy family as well as for me personally – until I walked into my small, downtown apartment. Before I'd even turned on the lights, I was overcome with the feeling that something was terribly wrong. One flick of the switch confirmed my fears. The normally meticulously organized living room was turned on end. Every paper from the filing cabinet in my corner office was strewn across the floor, picture frames shattered across the hardwood. None of that mattered when I saw the acoustic guitar I bought on my seventeenth birthday splintered, dangling by one steel string from a nail on the wall.

  After calling the non-emergency number for the police department, I shot a text message to Colt.

  Can you come over?

  Miss me already?

  Yes, but that's not the point. Please, get over here.

  You're freaking me out. Everything okay?

  Not by a long shot. You'll see soon enough.

  Room by room, I surveyed the damage. There wasn't a room that was left untouched, but a quick look didn't show anything of value missing either. Not that I had much to begin with, but the few rings I'd inherited from my grandmother still sat on top of my dresser and the electronics were still there.

  “Rain, what in the hell happened in here?” It only took Colton a few minutes to arrive from his condo about a mile away. “Rain, where are you?” He called out, panic in his voice.

  “Bedroom,” I responded. I was doubled over on the bed when he walked into the room. If this had been a simple break-in, I would have been able to deal with it. It happens, especially when you don't come home for months at a time and didn't see the point in paying for a security locked building. Stupid choice number one right there. The fact that this felt personal left me feeling violated. The thought that someone did this on purpose, trying to hurt me, was more than I could process.

  “It's okay, baby.” He sat next to me on the bed, pulling me into his lap. “What happened?”

  I sobbed into his t-shirt. “I have no clue. This is what I came home to.”

  “You're not staying here anymore, Rain. I told you before that I didn't think this was a good place for you and this,” he waved his hand around the room, “this proves it.”

  “No. Whoever did this wasn't trying to rob me,” I choked out. Saying the words was even harder than coming to terms with it on my own.

  “What do you mean?”

  I pointed to the dresser. “Look, my grandma's jewelry is still up there. The computer and TV are still out there. This wasn't someone looking to make a buck. At least not from selling my stuff.”

  “Fuck.” Colton stared straight ahead and I knew his mind made the leap to the same place mine had moments before he arrived. “You don't think...”

  “Who else? Seriously, I may not have made many friends in my life, but there's only one person I can think of who knows where I live and has a reason to do something like this.”

  Nearly forty-five minutes later, two uniformed officers showed up to take a report. One officer sat me down at the breakfast bar questioning me about who has access to the apartment, my relationship with the few people I knew of who had keys and what was, or wasn't, missing. The rotund officer had me feeling a bit better by the time he finished taking notes and went to find the younger, female officer.

  “Um, Miss Neumann, can we talk to you for a minute out here?” Colton stood to follow me into the bedroom but I motioned for him to stay.

  “Yeah, what's up?” I asked. The female officer was crouched in front of my closet, an unfamiliar box in her hands.

  “Can you explain this?” She turned to face me, the open box in her hands.

  “I've never seen that before.” I shrugged, wondering what was so important about that particular box.

  The officer raised her eyebrow, tilting the box to show me the contents. My heart sank and I knew she'd found the real reason someone came into my apartment while I was gone. “Are you trying to tell me that this box, which we found in your bedroom closet, does not belong to you?”

  Completely frustrated, I gripped my hair tightly in my fingers and let out a shriek. “That's exactly what I'm telling you! Why can't you people understand that someone's trying to screw with my life? They obviously left that where you'd find it. Do you think I'm stupid enough that I wouldn't have gotten rid of something like that if it was mine?”

  Colton burst into the room. “What's going on in here?”

  “Sir, can you please wait in the other room?” The older officer requested. When he stepped closer to me, the officer spoke again. “Sir, we need to talk to Miss Neumann alone.”

  “Maddie, are you going to be okay?” At least he had the good sense to refer to me by my given name in front of the officers. The last thing I needed in the midst of this nightmare was to have to explain the dual names thing. I shook my head, fighting my stomach's efforts to expel its contents.

  “Call Jon, tell him to get in touch with Cal. I think this is going to get much worse before it gets better.” As much as I wanted to shout from the rooftops that the box wasn't mine, that I was being set up, I knew the best thing I could do was say nothing.

  “What the fuck? Your home was broken into and you need a lawyer? Someon
e better tell me what's going on here.” That's when he saw the box, which the female officer had placed on the bed. “Jesus, Maddie! I thought you got over that shit years ago.” I will never forget the look in his eyes when he saw the box containing three baggies of cocaine sitting on my bed.

  Yes, there had been a time in my life when I'd falling in deep with the wrong crowd, snorting my way from one party to the next. It was a short but painful time in my life.

  When I got back to Portland from the visit that had me believing my family would never understand me or love the person that I had become, I wallowed in Southern Comfort and cocaine almost every night. I knew it was only masking the pain but I needed the pain to go away, even if it was for short periods of time. When I couldn't afford to score a fix, I slept with my dealer, ran errands for him, did whatever it took to avoid the withdrawals.

  A few months later, I happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time and got busted. Because I was a first time offender with an otherwise spotless record, I was given the opportunity to go through inpatient rehab and be placed on probation for a year, provided I kept my nose clean. It was through one of the counselors there that I met Travis, and subsequently Colton and Jon.

  “You've been with me every single day. Do you really think I could have hidden something like this from you?” Colton's eyes were fixed on a spot near his feet, unable to look at me. “Colt.” I moved towards him, willing him to lift his face to see me. “Baby, you know that's not mine. Tell them!”

  “Maddie, I want to believe you. Dammit, I hope you're right because that's some serious shit there.” He brushed my shoulder before turning to leave, “I'll make the call. Don't say anything.”

  Colton's footsteps echoed through the apartment and I flinched when the door slammed behind him.

  “Ma'am, I'm sorry, but we're going to have to take you in.” The female officer reached for her cuffs and read me my Miranda Rights. Just when I thought life was going my way, a grenade was launched at my feet threatening to destroy everything I'd worked for.

  The first night I could have slept in my own bed in over six months was spent on a thin cot in the police precinct. I suppose I should count my lucky stars that they didn't throw me in with everyone else in central booking, but it didn't change the fact that I was in jail, waiting to officially be charged with possession of nearly thirty grams of cocaine.

  The arraignment was fairly standard. Cal, the band's attorney represented me for this proceeding but told me I'd have to hire someone else if it went to trial, given the accusations I had made about Tanya's involvement and her history with the organization. Within an hour of the hearing, Cal finished the paperwork necessary for my release and I was headed back to face the mess known as my apartment.

  Colton and Jared were already there when I walked in and most of the mess was cleaned. “Hey,” Colton said without moving from his spot on the floor by my desk. “I take it today went okay?”

  “Not really, but better than it could have, so I guess I'll take it.” I flopped onto the couch wondering what it was going to take for those closest to me to believe me. No one had flat-out said they didn't trust me that the cocaine wasn't mine, but their actions spoke volumes. Jared disappeared into the bathroom as soon as I opened the door, Colton wouldn't look at me, Travis wouldn't return my phone calls and Jon sent a message with Cal telling me I needed to get my shit straight before we headed out again in a few months.

  I started sorting the stacks of papers on my coffee table, avoiding Colton's disapproving glances. He cleared his throat one too many times and I snapped. “If you have something to say, just fucking say it.”

  He let out a long sigh before speaking. “Babe, I love you and you know that, but this is serious. They're talking about giving you time this time around because of how much you had in there.”

  “Jesus, Colt! I didn't have anything in there. What will it take for you to believe me? You want me to go pee in a cup? How about if I chop off my hair and they can test the entire strand to see if there's anything anywhere in my recent past?” I started pacing around the room feeling like the world was closing in around me. “You were there. You've been with me the entire time, except when I was at my dad's house. When did you see anything that would make you think I'm using?”

  For the first time since he'd seen the damning bagging on my bed, Colton looked at me. Seeing the turmoil in his ice blue eyes, I almost wished he hadn't. “Baby, I really do want to believe you. But I know you've had one hell of a rough patch and I know this is what happened to you the last time...”

  “You have no clue what happened to me before. And why would I turn to that shit when things in my life are turning around for the better? Do you see how little sense that makes?” I threw my water bottle across the room and watched as the cap popped off on impact, drenching the books on the floor below. “You know what, fuck you! Nothing I can say is going to make you change your mind about me. It's easier to believe that I'm using again instead of looking at the facts.”

  I went to the fridge to find something to eat, slamming it shut when I realized I'd been arrested before I had a chance to go to the market. “You were the one who told me that bitch was looking for a way to get me out of the way. Don't you think it's just a little bit interesting that after she's fired, I come home and my house has been ransacked and there are three baggies of coke hiding in plain view?”

  “Yeah, I get that, but I really don't see her going to that much trouble or spending that much money just to get back at you for whatever fucked up reason.” Colton moved to sit next to me and I stood to get away from him. If he didn't trust me enough to know I wasn't using drugs, I didn't want him anywhere near me.

  “I think you need to go,” I said trying to keep myself from breaking down before the door was closed.

  “Jared, c'mon,” he called down the hall. Not saying anything about the fight he'd no doubt heard, he followed Colton out the door without saying a word to me.

  The next was spent wallowing in my own misery. Jon was pushing for me to talk to someone, “just to make sure you're not at risk,” he said during one conversation. Travis stopped by once, telling me there was nothing to be ashamed of, that relapses happen. There was nothing linking Tanya to the break-in, so there was little chance she'd ever be caught.

  As soon as the gossip sites caught wind of my arrest, they started twisting and turning the story to see who could come up with the best tale at my expense. One site claimed I was so high when the cops arrived I didn't think to hide my stash. Another claimed Colton came over to confront me and I went ballistic on him, sending him to the hospital for stitches after the police had me in cuffs. Every day for two weeks, the stories grew more and more outrageous. Pictures taken of me at the worst possible millisecond on stage were used to show the times I was high on tour. A picture of my one attempt to face the outside world showed me without make-up, my hair tossed back into a sloppy ponytail, wearing sweats and an over-sized t-shirt. The caption claimed to show the downfall of a rising star.

  As soon as I saw that particular report, I knew there was no way for this to blow over while I was still in Portland. I called Mark and Dale, his partner, and took them up on their offer to let me hide out in their guest room. Everything in me was screaming that I wanted my daddy, but between my upcoming court date and the attention it would bring to my little town, I knew that wasn't possible.

  I packed as many of my belongings as I could grab in an hour and packed them into my Toyota Prius. I didn't bother letting anyone know I was leaving town. I'd reached an impasse with the band; they claimed to want to believe I wasn't using again, the entire time urging me to get help for my problems. I didn't see any point since the only problem I had was those closest to me trying to get me to seek help for a non-existent condition.

  As I drove into the unincorporated town of Odell, in the middle of nowhere along the western edge of Mount Hood National Forest, I wasn't sure if I was entering my dream or my nightma
re. For someone who thrives on the chaos of a metropolitan area, it was a nightmare. For the troubled celebrity looking for peace and quiet, it was heaven. And for the next month, it would be home.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  I'd talked to Jon and Colton a few times over the course of my self-imposed exile. Rather than understanding my need to get away from the cameras and gossip rags, they took my absence as a sign that I was unwilling to face my demons. The most recent calls from Colton begged me to see a therapist, at the very least, so we could get into the recording studio and get back to what we love to do.

  No amount of pleading would change my mind. I wasn't going to cop to something I hadn't done in an effort to appease AJ, the band's new manager. From the sounds of it, he was the driving force behind the push for me to go to rehab. A man who never met me was in control and they were listening to him.

  “Baby, he's the best at what he does. We're damn lucky he's willing to take on our dysfunctional asses at all,” Colton reasoned the night I made my final decision. “Just do this. If not for yourself, do it for us.”

  “Fuck that, Colt. I haven't touched anything in the past five years. Even when I could have buried myself in my mom's painkillers when I was home, I didn't. But now, to make the almighty AJ happy, I'm supposed to drag myself through the mud?” I didn't know why we were having this discussion again.

  “It's not going to be like that,” Colton argued. Of course he wouldn't see the negative publicity on the horizon. Even with as pissed off as I was, I knew it was that and not that he didn't care.

  “It's exactly like that, Colt,” I shouted. “Why do you think I'm holed up in the middle of nowhere with my brother right now? It sure as hell isn't because I love it out here. Every single day I stayed in Portland, they were having more and more of a field day over the bullshit possession charges. They already started digging into my past and know I had problems before. I've worked too hard to get where I am--”