Alicia giggled in between kisses.
“You’re always smiling,” Gabriella said. “Even when we’re in bed… you never try to put on a straight face. You’re always laughing, and I love that about you.”
“How can I not smile when I’m with you? It’s a rare thing, being able to laugh like an idiot with a person you’re so attracted to.” Suddenly Alicia pushed Gabriella back again before climbing on top of her. At that point, all she wanted to do was taste every inch of her body and now that she had the chance, she started with a kiss on the lips -a simple, soft kiss- and then she moved down to Gabriella’s neck and shoulders. When she reached her large breasts, she started playing with them while Gabriella moaned at the feeling of her tongue rolling over her erect nipples. Alicia’s fingers gently probed her core, and then finally she softly pushed in two fingers and slowly kissed down Gabriella’s body; from her neck all the way down to her pubic mound. Alicia admired every inch of her, every little bit. Every piece of skin, every hair. Her body basked in the warm yellow light of the bedside lamp, her skin glistening with sweat.
Alicia pulled out her fingers and sucked at them. Gabriella just stared at her with her lips parted; she couldn’t wait to see what she was about to do to her.
The blonde locked her legs around Alicia and lifted her buttocks off the bed, almost begging her to taste her. Alicia ran her tongue over her lips before pausing for a moment. “Why did you stop?” Gabriella asked, almost desperately.
“Let’s do it in the shower.”
***
Gabriella followed Alicia into the bathroom and locked the door. “You don’t have to do that, you know.”
Gabriella looked left and right before she flashed Alicia a wry grin. “It feels more private,” she hissed. Suddenly Alicia found herself being shoved into the shower -it was already a bit humid- and before she knew it, Gabriella was planting kisses all over her face, neck and chest. “Only one thing is missing,” the blonde said. She reached out for the faucet, and then suddenly everything was soaking wet. Pebbles of cool water caressed their skin; Alicia blindly reached out and pulled Gabriella to her. She wrapped her arms around her neck and opened her eyes through the jet of water. All she could see was a blurry version of Gabriella’s face, swaying in the white light of the bathroom. “Come here,” Gabriella whispered through her teeth.
She slowly ran her hands up and down Alicia’s body and cupped her breasts softly while she mirrored her movements almost exactly. For a brief moment, they stood gazing into each other's eyes before Gabriella started kissing Alicia’s neck and shoulders tenderly. It had been a while since the two of them took a shower together. Without hesitation Alicia grabbed the shower gel and squirted it all over Gabriella. She then brushed her hair back and started kissing her all over. The water continued to flood the shower, until its walls became foggy, until the steam hovered around them, encapsulating them like a dream.
CHAPTER 14
Gabriella looked around the hospital. The corridor was stuffy and the air had an undertone of bleach. The walls were magnolia and scraped in places from the hundreds of trolleys that have bumped into them. The pictures on the walls were just depressing- cheap benign prints of “uplifting” scenes. The nurses were unhurried and they moved with a serene purposefulness from room to room on their rounds.
Gabriella let out a sigh. She had been sitting out in the hallway for about an hour now. She had to go in and see her dad. She knew she had to. He was passed out and hooked up to seven different machines in there. Gabriella clasped her hands in her lap and let out a sigh. Why wouldn’t she just go in there? She was his daughter, for God’s sake.
That’s what I thought last time, and I almost fucking killed him. Finally she shot up and peered into the room. Her mind brought her back to that night when everything went wrong. She kept imagining all the doctors and nurses surrounding his bed, attaching IV’s, heart monitors and oxygen tanks to him. An old TV set hung from the ceiling. It wasn’t even on, like it was there for decorative purposes. It was a typical hospital room, sparse and functional. Gabriella knew she had to go in there before her mother came back. They had been pressuring her to visit her father for what felt like an eternity, but the truth was, she was too scared to. It sounded ridiculous in her head, but what if seeing her made him sick all over again? What if he couldn’t stand to be in the same room as her? She had promised Haley she would go in there as soon as they left to sleep, but the truth was, she felt paralyzed. The last thing she wanted was to disappoint her mother, but she knew it was her father she should be worried about.
He was just lying there like a corpse, his face whiter than ash. Alicia could see it from all the way over there. It glowed like the moon. Finally, after what felt like a lifetime of being pinned to the floor, Gabriella stepped inside. The room smelled of disinfectant; that old hospital smell. “Dad?” she whispered. She knew he couldn’t hear her, and perhaps she found it comforting. She called out to him multiple times, lowering her voice with every step. Finally she sat down next to him and held his hand. But he remained asleep. She got up and slumped down on the armchair, which creaked underneath her. The hospital room was as devoid of beauty as she was of hope. At the far end were windows in brown metal frames, only openable at the top. Next to her father was a bouquet of white roses; Gabriella remembered those were his favorite flowers. Every year on their anniversary, her mother would walk in through the door, cradling them in her arms like a child. But never would it have occurred to her that one day she would leave them next to his hospital bed. In sickness and in health, right? Till death do us part.
Gabriella never really understood the meaning of those words, not until she met Alicia. Marriage was like being trapped in a cage, a death sentence. Right now the idea of it whispered to her like a breeze.
“Dad?”
Suddenly the man’s eyes shot open. They were fixated on the ceiling at first, but then they shifted to Gabriella. He blinked repeatedly, his daughter’s face swimming in and out of focus. “What are you doing here?” he asked.
“I’m here to see you,” she said, squeezing his hand. He pulled it away, but when Gabriella reached out and held it again, he didn’t put up a fight. “How are you feeling now?”
“Where is everyone?” He looked around the room, his eyes rolling around in their sockets like ping pong balls. “Where’s your mother?”
“She went to get some sleep… said she’ll be back in a few hours.”
“And Haley?”
“She’s in the cafeteria, getting coffee I think.”
“Oh. So I’m stuck with you?” he asked, a little softer this time. The fire in his eyes had dulled; for the first time ever, Gabriella felt like there was hope.
“Pretty much,” she smiled. She got up and stood at the foot of his bed, hesitating for a moment before she sat down next to him again. She smoothed a hand over the sheets and looked at him. She wanted something, anything to make her feel like he didn’t hate her.
“Is that lesbian friend of yours here, too?” he grumbled. “Are you both here to send me to the grave early?”
Gabriella could feel the anger boiling up inside her. It was resurfacing, like the pain felt from an old wound. A part of her wanted to storm out and never come back, but then she told herself to calm down. Her eyes landed on the machines her dad was hooked up to, and then suddenly her heart sank. All the anger melted away, and there remained pity. And remorse over all that time they were never going to get back. “Dad, can you please calm down? I’m here to talk to you.”
“Talk to me about what? Your lesbian friend?”
Gabriella shifted in her place. She noticed how she was slouching, how her shoulders were slumped forward like she was a scared little child. She was scared of him. Scared of his reactions. Scared of what he thought of her. “No, Alicia isn’t here,” she said after a long pause.
“Oh, she has a name now?”
“Yes, dad. She has a name, it�
�s Alicia Harper.”
“Alicia’s too feminine for a dyke like her.”
“Oh my God, I can’t believe you.” Gabriella shook her head and clasped her hands in her lap. She could feel her fingernails digging into her skin, but she didn’t care. She was this close to exploding like a volcano. Melting down. Giving up. Even when hospitalized, he was relentless. “I’m gonna go look for Haley.” Suddenly she shot up and headed for the door.
“I hate you, you know?” her father’s voice echoed in her ears a bit differently this time.
“What?” she asked, turning to him. His eyes were closed and his lips were slightly parted. Gabriella was starting to think she was imagining things.
“I hated you for everything.” He mumbled. “I hate you for leaving us, for thinking you were better than this town, for making it seem like we weren’t enough for you. I hated you for it, and I…” He shook his head and rolled over to his side.
“Come on, dad, I want to hear it,” Gabriella said, stepping closer to him. “I want to hear what you have to say.”
“I hated you for never calling, for ignoring us when we needed you the most. I even hated you for your success, and even more when you told the world you preferred women. I hated you so much that day.”
Gabriella’s cheeks were glowing hot. For the first time, her dad was actually being vocal about how he was feeling. He wasn’t always vocal, he was just loud. She shifted in her place again, trying not to look too uncomfortable. But her face said it all. She never expected him to tell her he hated her; the words resonated in her head in a way that made her want to burst into tears. I hated you, I hated you, I hated you. Surely he didn’t hate her as much as she hated him, but then she wondered if she hated him at all. She resented him, that’s for sure. She resented him for walking out on her, for pretending like she wasn’t his daughter. But then she remembered that she spent years stumbling through life pretending like he wasn’t her father, either. Not one phone call, not one text.
“And you know what?” he asked, his voice permeating her consciousness. “I hate you for coming back. Because I look at you now, and all I see is my little girl, the daughter I loved the most, the one thing I was proud of my entire life…” He tried to haul himself up but failed miserably. “And all I can do is sit in this damn bed, and die, and be angry at you. And I hate you for that.” At that point, his voice was shaking. Gabriella looked at him, and for the first time she could see how frail he was. She stumbled to the corner of the room, and with each step her stomach tightened and ached all the more. She kept swallowing, and her throat kept clenching, but no matter what she could not stop the warm feeling rising through her chest. Then she could taste it at the back of her mouth.
“I didn’t think you hated me that much,” she said after a long pause. She shivered violently in the humid room. Now that her stomach had stopped lurching she merely felt bruised inside. Ashen faced, she curled up in her chair and buried her face in the pillow. It smelled of dust and disinfectant; she could feel the nasty scent travel up her nostrils. She looked up at her father again. Waves of heat coursed through his blood, a cold sweat glistened in his gaunt features. His eyes sunken and his skin sallow, everything ached, everything sagged. The glass of water stared at him from the bedside table, he took a sip and plopped back onto his pillow. But he didn’t say anything. He just shifted in her place and closed his eyes.
“Dad. Dad, talk to me.”
“I have nothing to say to you.”
Finally, Gabriella got up. “Dad-”
Tears were streaming down his face. He pursed his lips and looked away. The silence settled over them like a cloud; Gabriella had no choice but to turn around and leave. She pushed the door open and stepped outside. Suddenly she felt like she was in another dimension. The hallway was quiet -a bit too quiet- the nurses had disappeared, there were no more white coats hovering around everywhere. Gabriella felt so alone; she looked around for her sister but couldn’t find her. She thought about calling her, but then she felt ridiculous. No family member, no mediator, no apologies could undo years of damage, and she just had to accept that.
Finally, she slumped down on one of those plastic chairs outside, shuffling her feet around until she decided to call her sister. “Haley? Hey. Are you still getting coffee?”
There was crackling at the other end. Suddenly Haley appeared in the hallway, a paper cup in her hand. “Hey,” she whispered, sitting down next to her sister. “What’s up?”
“He wouldn’t talk to me,” Gabriella said, her eyes fixated on the floor tiles. “He wouldn’t fucking talk to me.” The silence filled the air like stale breath. Haley brought the paper cup up to her mouth and then set it back down again when she realized it was too hot. “I don’t know what to tell you, to be honest.”
“He said he hated me,” Gabriella said, holding her head in her hands. “This isn’t working. I’m done, I’m done.” Suddenly she shot up, threw her bag over her shoulder and bolted down the hallway. Her heels clicked against the floor as she stumbled down the stairs and ran out through the door. She found herself out in the street, standing like an obstacle in the middle of a moving current of people. They pushed, shoved and squeezed their way past her, but she didn’t move. She was completely frozen, like an iceberg in the middle of a violent sea. And then she started walking. She had to get away from that hospital, run away as far as she could. She didn’t know where she was going; all she knew was that she had to get away. Her phone was vibrating in her pocket, but she didn’t answer it. Haley was persistent, but Gabriella had had enough.
She was so sick of feeling like the outcast. I was lying to myself when I said things would get better. Nothing was getting better, in fact it was only getting worse. Gabriella slowed down at a park bench and slumped down on it. Her mother kept calling her repeatedly, until she was compelled to pick up.
“Hey, mom. I’m not coming back, this isn’t working,” she said.
“Haley told me… Gabriella, please come back. We all need you, he needs you.”
“He made it clear he doesn’t want to see me anymore.”
“You’re exactly the way you were ten years ago. Nothing has changed! You’re still your old stubborn self, and you’re making the same mistake all over again!”
Gabriella opened her mouth to speak but the line went dead. For a moment she thought she would throw her phone, disappear like she did when she was fifteen. This time is different, this time they actually want me out of their lives. She stuffed her phone into her pocket and waited. There was no way she was going back there again. She knew she wanted to call Alicia, but she didn’t feel like it right now. Right now, she just wanted to day-drink until she couldn’t tell what was going on around her anymore. She wanted to numb her brain cells, make them shut up. Her thoughts were louder than she could take; throwing the blame on her, throwing it on her father and then back on her again. It was like a game of toss the ball, except it was playing with her sanity.
The cars whizzed past her as she struggled to keep her balance. The wind almost knocked her off her feet. The people’s yelling faded in the background, and then suddenly all was quiet. She walked until she was on the other side of town, until she had no idea where she was anymore. Her mother had always told her not to wander alone, that there were bad things out there. But what could be worse than being abandoned? Finally, she slumped down on the sidewalk, watching idly as people went on with their lives. A guy in a suit walked by. Was he going back to his family? He probably was. A woman hurried down the sidewalk with a stroller. Her head was tilted to the side and her back was hunched over, like she was having a conversation with a child who didn’t understand her. But nonetheless, she tried. She tried to communicate, to make her son feel like he was worth all those words that she knew he wouldn’t reciprocate. Did she love her child any more than Gabriella’s parents did?
Her hands were shaking. She needed to go home. There was a bar straight across from her, so s
he decided she was going to pay them a little visit. Today’s a day to get drunk, bitch to the bartender about my life and talk to random strangers about how my father would rather die than see me. Finally, she picked herself up and marched across the street. She opened the door to the pub, clenching her eyelids as a dusty stench traveled up her nostrils. She then disappeared into the darkness, hoping she would eventually drown out all the noise in her head before it drowned her.
CHAPTER 15
Alicia popped the collar on her shirt and stared herself in the mirror. She thought about applying makeup, but then she decided against it. An additional minute or two of thought ended in her running a matte red lipstick all over her lips, smacking them together and staring herself in the mirror again. She fluttered her lashes, trying to convince herself she looked more feminine now. What were they going to think of her if she looked otherwise? She took out an old makeup brush she didn’t even remembering owning, dabbed it in face powder that probably didn’t even match her skin and smoothed her hair back. She was wearing a basic white t-shirt, acid wash jeans and a pair of sneakers. Her tattoo was peeking out of her sleeve -she contemplated wearing a jacket but then decided not to do that, either. What did she have to prove? Did she really have to impress those people? The truth was, she kind of did. She knew she had to if she wanted things to get better for Gabriella. And for her.
Just For You: A lesbian romance (Play Me a Song Book 3) Page 11
