Valerie squeezed her eyes shut, clutching the phone so tightly her knuckles turned white. “I understand you’re worried, but I have no choice. This is a faith-based decision. I seriously believe that God intends for me to have the baby.” Even as she said the words, she realized that, to an agnostic, she sounded like a lunatic.
“So your benevolent God wants you to die, while bringing another unwanted person into the world. I made it perfectly clear from the start that I have no interest in raising a child.”
Her voice caught in her throat. “I’m not going to die. We can work it out. You’ll see. It doesn’t have to be such a terrible thing….”
“And so that’s it? There’s nothing I can say to convince you otherwise?”
Her voice quavered. “I’ve made my decision.”
“So be it. When I get back tomorrow, I’ll let you know what my decision is.”
And with that he hung up. Boy, she did not like the sound of that. What if his decision was the termination of their marriage? She stared numbly at the ceiling. Okay, so he was upset—outraged, actually. But maybe he’d cool off between now and the time he got back home.
***
The day she dreaded—it seemed she dreaded most days lately—came while she was at her old apartment in Englewood. After she unlocked the door, Aaron entered and didn’t even bother to take his jacket off before he lit into her.
“There were some well-defined conditions to our marriage,” he began. “You understood them, accepted them, and agreed to honor them. Now you’re willing to betray my trust, go completely against my wishes, and then have the audacity to expect sympathy and acceptance. Did you think I was just playing games when I said I didn’t want children? Did you?”
“No. I didn’t,” Valerie said. She felt like a fool and a punching bag, absorbing his rage, pain, and frustration. The worst part was she didn’t really have a comeback. Right or wrong, he was entitled to his feelings, and she could understand in a twisted way that he felt betrayed. If she didn’t love him so much, there was no way she would be standing there taking his tongue-lashing.
“Then why? Why are you doing this? Was our so-called relationship a fraud, and you married me just so you could have a baby? You did the same thing to me that your ex did to you?”
She clenched her teeth. “How could you think that? That’s not true and you know it! I’ve tried over and over to explain, but you’re not getting it because you have no sense of spirituality…you don’t want to believe in a Creator. This is not about me choosing a baby over you.”
His voice rose. “Then what the hell is it?”
“Aaron, don’t yell at me!” She seized a pillow off the couch and gripped it tightly. “I can’t stand your attitude right now, and maybe I’m insane, but I love you more than I’ve ever loved any other human. Do you hear that? More than any other person. But when it comes to the spiritual, I have to choose God’s commands over your wishes…over my own wishes, even.” She took a deep breath. “If I lacked belief, then I wouldn’t think twice about getting rid of the baby. Please try to understand. Please.”
Aaron shook his head, and for a moment Valerie thought she saw a glimmer of reconciliation beneath the surface of the rage. He sat down on the couch and stared at a spot on the wall just beyond her. “Whatever the outcome, you have forever changed our relationship,” he said.
Perhaps she had not seen reconciliation in his eyes after all. Valerie sat down on the opposite end of the couch, burying her face in her hands. “Is this it, then? The moment you tell me you want a divorce?”
Aaron said nothing. He rubbed his eyes wearily, and in his silence and body language she sensed a profound sadness.
He doesn’t want a divorce. At that moment she felt the strong urge to wrap her arms around him, but she refrained because it seemed like too much too soon. Cautiously, she moved an inch closer. “I still believe we can work this out together…without terminating the pregnancy.”
She was tempted to add that there was the distinct possibility that she’d have a miscarriage anyway, but she didn’t say it because she knew from past experience that that could be disastrous as well. Still, she was older and wiser now. She’d take a lot more precautions than when she’d been younger and possessed the attitude of invincibility that gripped most youth.
“I can’t promise you resolution,” Aaron said finally. “But we’re looking at one day at a time for now.”
“Yes,” she said, trying to blink back tears.
Chapter 28
When Jasmine gave birth to her and Noah’s son, a beautiful boy named Jonathan Robert—Jonathan being Aaron’s middle name—Valerie had to force herself to celebrate. She was happy for the proud couple, but their joy was such a contrast to her own situation.
Taking the advice of her doctors, she had stopped working as a nurse and now held a part-time administrative job at Englewood Hospital, performing data entry and other clerical duties. Her co-workers thought she was crazy because they knew she didn’t have to work, but they didn’t understand the situation. There was no way she could just loaf around the house.
She had passed the three-month danger period—the time of the miscarriage years ago—and the outcome was looking even more positive than the doctors had anticipated. In fact, the hematologist had told her that the clotting factor in her blood had increased, due to the hormonal changes that naturally occurred in pregnancy, and it would probably stay at that improved level up until the time of birth. All of this was great news and she longed to feel optimistic and content, but she could not because Aaron’s attitude had not changed and her marriage was still in limbo.
Aaron had not been exaggerating when he’d told her there would be no immediate resolution to their problem. Ever since that day at her apartment, she’d seen very little of him. He’d transformed back to the remote person she had known in the beginning—the one who felt it was unnecessary to keep in touch with a phone call. He was currently disregarding all the little concessions he had made when they’d been at peace with each other.
Although she was deeply hurt by the negative changes, she was remaining mute because she didn’t have the desire or the energy to argue with him. In the back of her mind, she was hoping that eventually he’d get over his need to punish her.
Their new home, which was completely finished and furnished, mocked her. Aaron was never there to enjoy it. On the rare day or two that he was in the country, he preferred his place in Manhattan. Valerie had nightmares that he was once again involved with special ops. Why not? He had never gotten around to promising her that he would retire, and now it seemed he might use the rift in their relationship as an excuse to accept another dangerous assignment, possibly as a means of working off his anger.
On a Saturday morning in late August, Valerie unlocked the door of the remodeled Allard estate. She was back to referring to the house with an air of detachment, since it didn’t feel like hers anymore. She was even considering renting the place out because neither she nor Aaron spent any time there.
The magnificence of the large living room, with its chandeliers and cathedral windows, overwhelmed her, and she recalled with heartbreaking sadness the day they had painted the room. Had it been only yesterday when they’d shared the love and the laughter? How could feelings so encompassing, so right, have vanished in a heartbeat?
She tiptoed up the winding staircase so as not to disturb the ghosts and entered the library, which still retained most of its original appearance, along with its vast assortment of books. The Bible collection that had been responsible for starting her down the narrow, twisted path of intrigue and heartbreak was displayed prominently on shelves in the reference area.
As she took a step toward the shelves, she looked up and noticed with a start that a new painting dominated the wall above the fireplace—a painting of the sea. Immediately recognizing it as the Sea of Galilee, Valerie observed that the water was far from the calm, shore-lapping serenity she’d seen when they’d visi
ted Israel. In Aaron’s artistic rendition, the sky was ominously black, the sea deeply indigo, dashed with silver, foam-crested waves that rose menacingly, threatening to engulf a small fishing boat.
She held her breath. When had he hung it? When had he actually taken the time to visit the house? Unless she was losing her mind, the painting had not been there a week ago, when she had last visited the library. There was no way she could not have noticed something so eerily mesmerizing—so hypnotic. As much as she tried to pull herself away, she could not stop staring at the tiny fishing boat that was being tossed mercilessly by the ferocious waves. She inched closer. In the enshrouded mist of the brilliantly stroked sea spray, a veiled shadow, a diaphanous figure, seemed to be strolling on the water. Jesus? She shook her head and squinted. No. There was nothing like that at all in the painting, just the waves and the fishing boat that was about to capsize.
“You’re definitely losing it,” she muttered aloud. “Seeing things that aren’t even there.” She touched the expensive gold frame, desiring to remove the large canvas from the wall because its metaphorical presence disturbed and angered her, but she could not bring herself to do it. Instead, she backed abruptly away from the painting and fled the room.
Aaron was supposedly somewhere in Algiers, due to return in two days. He had not actually said so, but she knew he was waiting for her to be the one to officially end their marriage. Perhaps he considered this to be an act of civility and grace on his part. Perhaps he thought she was pathetic. Perhaps he was right on both counts. Her doctor’s advice to avoid stress was about as impossible as being told to stop laughing, crying or breathing, and Aaron’s actions heightened her tension levels every passing day.
***
After leaving Long Island, Valerie forced herself to stop at the nursing home because she felt guilty for not visiting her mother in nearly two weeks. She found her in the empty solarium.
“You told me you weren’t coming today,” Ruth Ann said from her wheelchair. She was near the window, where she had been basking in the blinding sunlight that streamed in from the parted curtains. An open Bible was on her lap.
“I haven’t told you anything,” Valerie responded mechanically. “How could I when I haven’t been here for at least two weeks?”
“You told me yesterday,” Ruth Ann insisted.
Valerie sighed. “It was probably your sister who told you. Aunt Marilyn said she visited you yesterday.”
“My sister?”
“That’s right. I’m Valerie, your daughter.”
Ruth Ann narrowed her eyes. “I know who you are.” She opened the Bible and began thumbing the fragile pages. Valerie observed her with defensive detachment. It was just as well she had the Bible out; maybe they could discuss that instead of sitting and looking at each other with nothing to say.
“What scripture are you reading, Mother?”
“Psalms,” Ruth Ann replied.
“Are you going to read it out loud?”
“No. You don’t listen like he does.”
Who’s he? Valerie wondered, but didn’t feel like asking. He was probably her late husband.
“You’re getting fat,” Ruth Ann declared suddenly.
Valerie ran her hand defensively across the front of her T-shirt. “I’m sure it’s not that obvious yet, but I’m pregnant. I’ve told you that before.”
“Your husband’s worried about you.”
“My what?” Valerie repeated, trying hard to suppress an eye roll. Her mother was still confusing Aaron with Joel. “Did you say my husband, or are you talking about your husband?”
“I said your husband, Aaron.”
Valerie laughed sarcastically. This was going to be a fun visit. Ruth Ann was as confused as ever. There was nothing for her to do but play the game. “What makes you think Aaron is worried? You haven’t seen him in months.”
Ruth Ann peered at her above the rims of her glasses. “He came to see me. We talked for a long time and we read the Bible.”
“He did not visit you,” Valerie said irritably. “You met him only once, and that was a long time ago. Aaron’s not even in the country, so he didn’t visit you.”
“He was here,” Ruth Ann insisted, her voice rising. “And don’t tell me that I didn’t talk to him because I did.”
“When?”
“Couple of days ago.”
Muttering to herself, Valerie rubbed her eyes. “Okay…fine. You talked to Aaron. What did he talk about?”
“You. He’s worried.”
“Mother, the only person Aaron worries about is himself. He’s angry at me because he doesn’t want to have this baby.”
You idiot! What’s wrong with you? Why had she surrendered to the ridiculous need to tell her senile mother something like that. What was she looking for? Certainly not sympathy or even commiseration.
“I didn’t want babies, either,” Ruth Ann said.
Valerie had been prepared for her mother to make no comment at all and the response shook her. “Thanks, Mom. Maybe you’d like to explain why Greg and I are here, since you didn’t want babies.”
Ruth Ann maneuvered the wheelchair around so her back was to her daughter, and she stared out the window at the distant hills. “Greg was an accident, but your father loved him anyway.”
“I’m sure Greg would love to hear that.” Valerie felt as though the oxygen was being depleted from the room, and she knew she should just bid her mother farewell for the day, but she remained glued to the spot, wondering what was going to be said next.
“I loved your father, and I had you because he wanted you,” Ruth Ann said. “He was good to both of you.”
“Yes,” Valerie agreed coldly. “Our father was good to us, but you seem to be admitting that you didn’t care about us at all. I know it’s not a perfect world, but aren’t mothers…I mean normal mothers, supposed to love their children?”
Ruth Ann said nothing. She continued to stare out the window.
Valerie stood up, clenching her purse. She wanted to cross over to the window and yank the wheelchair around to make Ruth Ann look at her, but at the same time she didn’t really want to see that blank expression—that look that confirmed the reality of her scathing admission.
“Fine. So you had us just to make Daddy happy, and then you completely tuned out of our lives. Since that’s how you felt about us, why should we…I…care about you?”
“You don’t care about me. You put me in this home,” Ruth Ann said bluntly.
Valerie felt her face flush scarlet with anger. “I what? How dare you say something so stupid and untrue. I didn’t put you in this home. You put yourself here. You kept walking out of the house and forgetting where you were. You refused to eat. Once the police picked you up because you were walking in traffic. And then there was the time you almost burnt the house down. You’ve forgotten all those things, haven’t you?”
She didn’t expect an answer and she didn’t get one, but she couldn’t control the onslaught of venom spewing from her own tongue. “I had a right to my life, and I had to work. I couldn’t be there 24/7 taking care of you, especially since you never even cared about me. You…”
She managed to stop in mid-sentence, when she realized that she was shouting like a lunatic and anyone could walk in and hear the outburst. Maybe if someone actually did hear it, she would be taken away in a straitjacket. She felt crazier than her mother. “I’m sorry,” she said, turning away, struggling to calm down. “I can’t talk about this anymore without yelling, so I’m leaving.”
“I do care.” Ruth Ann maneuvered the chair around to face her again. “I did the best I could, and you shouldn’t be so angry. You should be happy because God cares about you and so does Aaron. God says right here in this Bible that ‘thou shalt not commit murder,’ so of course you can’t get rid of the baby. But you need to stop being so angry and stubborn about this. Be kinder to Aaron. Talk nicer, more ladylike, and maybe he’ll…”
Valerie hesitated at the door. “M
other, stop playing games. You don’t know a thing about Aaron, and what’s more, you don’t even know what you’re talking about. Goodbye.”
With her head spinning, feeling as though she were about to pass out, Valerie left the room and stumbled into the nearby bathroom, which much to her relief was devoid of people. Maybe she was about to have a miscarriage right here and now. Maybe she would have a heart attack. She pressed her back against the tiled wall and closed her eyes, resisting the urge to slide down to a squatting position because she probably wouldn’t be able to get back up. She tried counting backward and gradually opened her eyes to discover that the room had stopped whirling. All she could hear was the buzz of the over-burdened air conditioning unit. No miscarriage. No heart attack.
“We’re okay,” she whispered aloud, hand over the slight bump that contained the new life within her. “Just calm down.”
Finally able to stand straight without shaking, she went to the sink and splashed cool water over her face. She stared at herself in the mirror and was pleasantly surprised to find that her reflection didn’t reveal a woman about to have a meltdown. Obviously pregnancy hormones were fueling her inner turmoil, and she would simply have to get a grip or face dire consequences.
When she felt composed enough, she left the room and continued down the hall toward the elevator.
“Valerie,” Sherry Jackson, one of the nurses on the floor, called out.
Valerie looked up with a start and smiled at the pleasantly plump Jamaican native. “Haven’t seen you in a while,” Sherry said. “Just wanted to tell you that your mom’s been doing quite well lately. She seems more alert, and she’s even been socializing.”
“Really?” Valerie said, trying to sound interested as she approached the nurse’s station where a young aide with long, braided locks also sat, talking on the phone.
“I’m thinking it might have something to do with the visitor, the male visitor she had about two weeks ago. Was he your brother?” Sherry asked.
“My brother?” Greg had called her from Chicago a few days ago and he’d given no indication that he was planning a visit. Before Valerie could come up with a startled explanation, the aide ended her phone call and chimed in. “Talk about hot…that guy was to die for.”
The Sea of Aaron Page 21
