by Gemma James
Please, for once, let him give a shit about me.
“What happened?” he finally asked.
“After my appointment, I met up with Evelyn. We were having lunch when he called—”
“Alexandra,” he interrupted. “I’ll talk to your brother. It was just a phone call, but he knows better. I’ll make sure it doesn’t happen again.”
“No, he was there. He caused a scene after Evelyn left. He won’t stop. Please, Dad, I need to tell the truth about what happened. It’s eating me up—”
“Come home and we’ll talk about it.”
I shook my head, though I knew he couldn’t see me. My father’s gigantic estate was the last place I’d feel safe. I could only think of one place I equated with safety, which was really ironic, considering I’d have to cross a river to get to it. My subconscious knew exactly what it was doing—I’d already driven halfway to Dante’s Pass.
“Alexandra!” His voice rose, irritation more than apparent in the bite of his tone. Abbott De Luca wasn’t someone used to being ignored. “You need to come home now.”
“Okay,” I said, the word coming out a whisper. “I’ll be there soon.” I hung up before he figured out I was lying. I made one more phone call to arrange for a boat rental, then drove onto the highway again. By the time my father realized I wasn’t coming home, I’d already be on Rafe’s island. Of course, that depended on my ability to go near the river and set foot in a boat without having a full-blown panic attack.
My heart fluttered the whole way to Dante’s Pass and turned into an unbearable pounding as I braked in the parking lot next to the boat ramp. I shut off the ignition, and my anxiety thundered in my ears for several minutes. I kept my head straight, focusing on the restroom and the woman that came out holding a little girl’s hand. Sweat coated my palms, and my grip slipped from the steering wheel. To my left, I knew what waited for me.
How was I supposed to get into a boat when I couldn’t even bring myself to look at the river?
Sucking in a noisy breath, I swiveled my head before I chickened out. It was only water, and I wouldn’t even be alone, as the man I’d called on the way to take me to the island waited on the dock. Normally, his company only rented out boats, but I’d offered to pay extra if he’d take me.
If only I could get out of the stupid car and walk to the dock.
Quit being such a pussy.
The need to get to Rafe was more powerful than my phobia. I pulled on the handle then pushed open the door. One shaky leg lifted into the breeze. Another maneuver, a scoot of my butt, and both feet touched solid ground. I armed the alarm and crept down the slope toward the dock next to the ramp.
Images of suffocating, of dense blackness, assaulted me with each step, making me cringe, and I chanted stop it, stop it, stop it to wipe the stubborn thoughts from my mind, but they stuck to my brain with the strength of crazy glue. The only way to push past the terror was to chant until I heard nothing else. If I appeared on the verge of a total meltdown, the guy wouldn’t take me to Rafe.
I stepped onto the dock, keeping my eyes trained on the man waiting for me, and purposefully ignored the gentle lapping of water on either side. It wasn’t going to jump out and drown me.
Stop it, stop it, stop it.
“You the one wanting a lift to Mason Island?”
Unable to find my voice just yet, I nodded.
He frowned. “You sure that’s wise? You know the guy who lives on that island is a sex offender, right?”
“I know what everyone thinks he is. They’re wrong.”
He gave me a perplexed look. “He know you’re coming?”
“Yes.” Not a chance in hell. I could barely believe I was about to willingly get into a boat. No one else would believe it.
“You sure?”
“Y-yes. He’s expecting me.” I clasped my hands together to hide the tremors in them. “I haven’t been in a boat in a while. I’m just nervous.”
“Nothing to it.” He held out his hand and helped me inside. As soon as the boat wobbled under my weight, I slid my fingers under my sleeve and dug my nails in so hard, I came away with skin underneath them.
He narrowed his eyes. “I’m thinking you should rethink this, lady.”
With a quick shake of my head, I plopped into one of the four seats. “I’m fine. Can we please go?” I fastened my gaze on the vinyl flooring—the only thing separating me from the murky depths of nothingness—and failed to see his expression.
Stop it, stop it, stop it…
“Do you know how to swim?”
I gave a quick nod, still refusing to look at him, and heard him sigh. He placed a life jacket in the seat next to mine before starting the motor, and we were off. I squeezed my eyes shut and clung to the armrests. Wind whipped my hair around, and my stomach lurched as the boat sped over choppy waters.
When he pulled alongside the dock on Rafe’s island, my entire body quaked, and I was certain I wouldn’t be able to find my voice. I stood on wobbly legs, thinking how that had been the longest two minutes of my life, and handed him the cash I owed him with shaking fingers.
“Th-thanks.”
He stood from the driver’s seat, grabbing my arm to steady me, and helped me find solid footing on the dock. “Call if you need me.” His tone suggested more than just a ride back. I looked into his eyes and found concern in them. God, these people really believed Rafe was a monster, and it was all my fault. I had to make this right.
“I’m okay. Rafe Mason isn’t the man you think he is.”
“If you say so, lady. I’m friends with the sheriff. Call if you need anything.”
I nodded but didn’t answer. The motor fired up, and I heard him pull away. My feet wouldn’t move at first. As I stood on the dock, memories assaulted me. The night I’d fallen in, the night Rafe put me into a boat and sent me off, thinking his actions would protect me.
But he’d never come after me. Why? I thought of his rejection in the hospital and how odd that whole visit was. Now that my head was clearing, things were starting to prick at my mind. Questions arose.
The whole time I’d been under my father’s thumb, recuperating from the kidnapping and my own attempt to end it, everything in my world had scrambled like a Rubik’s Cube. Nothing had lined up the way it should.
Coming back to this island felt like coming home.
I started on the trail and hiked up the slight incline past a massive willow. The top of his A-frame cabin came into view, and I took a moment to really see it for the first time. Painted a dark brown-red with a huge front porch, trees towered around it, as if standing sentinel. I thought back to the night we’d left through the front door, but I couldn’t recall leaving the cabin. I’d been too preoccupied with fear, too worried about Rafe and what he’d do. Too paralyzed by the thought of going near the water.
As I climbed the steps, I withdrew the letters from my purse. Taking a deep breath, I halted at his door, and I gave myself a moment to hope.
Hope that he still wanted me.
Hope that he’d love me even.
Hope that he’d help me end this, once and for all.
Zach was still out there, and everyone around me was nuts. Rafe had done horrible things to me, but he was the crazy I knew, the crazy I loved, the crazy I trusted with my heart and my life.
Looking at him was like looking into a mirror. We’d done so much to hurt each other, but we were the only ones who could fix each other. I believed that with every bone in my body. It’d just taken me a while to see beyond my father’s manipulations, his threats, and I refused to be a puppet any longer. Not unless it was the man on the other side of the door pulling the strings.
Swallowing the lump in my throat, I lifted a fist and knocked.
“You can tell my brother to shove it. Shit, Jax, I don’t even remember working at the winery. Seems pointless to go back now.” I paced in the kitchen, cell to my ear, and not-so-patiently listened while he tried to convince me that Adam was right
. Hiding out alone on the island wasn’t going to fix anything. I needed to move on with my life, memory or not. Move on from Alex.
So why wasn’t I? Even I didn’t know why I was stuck in purgatory, neither remembering the past nor moving toward the future. I was frozen in this lonely existence where Alex’s wails haunted my dreams each night. Other stuff haunted me too. Men and their brutal hands taking every last thread of power from me. I shook the images from my head, as I always did when those nightmares sparked. They pierced me to my bones every time, but I took them as a sign that on some subconscious level, I craved the control I’d lost. Made sense, considering my life had become a huge clusterfuck.
“If you’re not ready to talk to Adam,” Jax said, “at least come meet up with me tonight. You’ve been cooped up on that island too long. We’ll scope out a date for you.”
I let out a bitter laugh. “Dating is the furthest thing from my mind, but I appreciate the thought.” Tiring of pacing, I returned to the living room and lowered onto the couch with my laptop. Keeping tabs on the local fighting scene had become an obsession. I ached to step into the cage again, to experience the thrilling high that only came from choking out an opponent. But no legitimate organization would take on a guy convicted of raping a 15-year-old girl.
“Forget about women then,” Jax said. “Just come meet me tonight. Say about nine?”
“I’ll think about it.” I scrolled through the latest fights and their outcomes. Some of the fighters I remembered, but a lot of the contenders were new names making a splash on the scene. “So how’s Nikki?”
“Nikki is…” His sigh filtered over the line. “I’m trying to get her to postpone this fucking wedding.”
“You’re in over your head,” I said, closing the laptop.
“You’re one to talk.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Alex De Luca. She’s the reason you’re holed up in isolation on that damn piece of land.”
I hated how he knew me so well. “I shouldn’t have left her the way I did, Jax. She was a mess—”
“Let it go,” he said, tone firm. “You don’t even remember her.”
“Oh, I remember her.”
“I’m not talking about the girl. I’m talking about the woman. You lose your fucking memory, but somehow, you’re still just as obsessed as ever.”
I had no ground to argue on, so I didn’t even try. A knock sounded, and I welcomed the distraction of an unexpected visitor. “Someone’s here.” I strode to the door, pulled it open, and found Alex standing on the other side, suddenly just there, as if my guilt had summoned her. “I’ll have to call you back,” I told Jax before hanging up on him. I pocketed my cell then stared at her with my mouth hanging open.
Fucking A. I was at a loss for words.
“I know you don’t want to see me,” she said, her gaze lowering to her sneakers. She expelled a breath that ruffled her hair before bringing her eyes to mine. Beautiful eyes full of pain and confusion and…something I couldn’t put a name to but whatever it was it pulled at me in a way I couldn’t resist. God, she was gorgeous. I’d noticed the differences in her at the hospital, despite her frail state, but seeing her on my doorstep, the sun shining on the crown of her curls, how her teenage body had morphed into that of a woman’s…I had to take a deep breath to keep from reaching out and touching her.
My gaze darted behind her to the trees where thick branches and the incline of the terrain hid the water. “You crossed the river?”
She bit her lip and nodded. “I have nowhere else to go, Rafe. No one else to trust.”
I was speechless. Birds chirped, a hawk squawked overhead, and the howl of a train roared in the distance. But me? I was fucking speechless.
“Say something, please.” She gripped her arm, fingers curling into the long sleeve of a green shirt. The weather was too warm to cover up so much skin, but I knew why she did it. And she looked fucking scared.
Of me? But that didn’t quite add up. What would cause her to set foot on this island, facing her worst fear and the man who’d kidnapped and raped her?
“After what I put you through,” I said, keeping my tone gentle so I wouldn’t run her off, “I don’t deserve your trust.”
She held out a stack of envelopes. “I wrote these while you were in prison. I want you to read them, but…” She backed away, her gaze roaming in every direction but mine. “I want you to read them alone. I’ll wait out here.”
I stepped onto the porch and took the letters, and our fingers brushed together. A shiver went through me as I thought of the answers I might find inside the envelopes, but there was no way in hell I’d leave her out here alone when she seemed ready to jump out of her skin.
“I’m not leaving you out here by yourself. You can go inside and wait. I’ll read them on the porch.”
She still wouldn’t meet my gaze. “Is Jax home?” she asked.
“No. It’s just me.” Did being alone with me make her feel more threatened? “I’m not going to hurt you, Alex.”
She looked up, her expression so openly startled, I felt it to the bottoms of my feet. “I already know that.” Without another word, she moved past, her shoulder grazing my arm, and entered the cabin. The screen door swung shut behind her. I didn’t move at first, still too stunned and barely grasping the fact that Alex had really shown up at my door.
Finally lowering to the first step, I eyed the bundle of envelopes. The one at the top of the pile had a date on it—just a few months after I’d gone to prison. Removing the rubber band that held them together, I noted how they were all dated. I opened the first one and pulled out a sheet of paper.
Rafe,
It’s been three months, four days, thirteen hours, and some odd minutes since I felt your eyes on me in the courtroom. I’m a horrible person for so many reasons. I took your freedom, and I’m not dumb. I know I wrecked your career too.
But I can’t come forward about your innocence. I’ve tried. You don’t know how many times I’ve fingered my cell, even looked up the number for the detective who handled my case. I went to my father’s car once, keys in hand, and got behind the wheel. I’m not even old enough to drive by myself yet, but I wanted to go to the police and tell them…things.
You’re still in that place, so obviously, I didn’t. It’s taken me this long just to put pen to paper and write you a letter I have no intention of sending. If I’m smart, I’ll destroy this after I’m done.
But I won’t.
I need someone to talk to, and you’re the only person I want to talk to. Besides, the thought of ripping this up is too painful, as if these words were never real. As if my feelings for you don’t exist. I’m selfish like that. Keeping my mouth shut is something I have to do, for your sake, for mine. But I need to lean on you right now. I still remember the day of my mother’s funeral. It was the first and only time you put your arms around me. You’re the only person who’s ever told me the words I always needed to hear:
Everything will be okay.
I love you even more for that. And God, I miss you. Your laughter made the pain in my life a little more bearable. Your presence was the only thing that had the power to make me smile, and I’ve always loved the jittery feelings you stirred in my stomach. I have a few friends at school, no one that close. Definitely no one I can confide in, but sometimes they talk to me. They complain about those flutters, say they lose their tongue and can’t talk to guys.
It’s never been that way with you. That jittery feeling always made me feel alive and connected to you. And we talked all the time, about your dreams of making it to the UFC, about your family. About mine. I envy the closeness you have with your dad. And I know you don’t get along with your brother, but at least he isn’t—
Never mind. Family is a sore subject for me. I used to pretend that you were there for me and not my brother, that you needed to be around me as much as I needed to be near you. I know I’m lying to myself with that one. I’m just a ki
d. No one important. Someone who isn’t worthy of you. I never was, and now, after what I’ve done, I never will be.
I don’t have the courage to put into words why I did what I did. Maybe someday I will. Maybe someday I’ll pour it all out into a letter and actually send it. Actually do the right thing. But I can’t, because I’m just as trapped as you are.
I need you to know this, Rafe. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, and it’s taken over my heart and each beat hurts, especially because I know you’ll never forgive me.
But please try.
Yours always,
Alex
Intense relief settled in, and I wiped the sweat from my brow. I hadn’t raped her all those years ago. Her own words proved it. I tore into the stack of her secrets like a starved man, needing more. Most of them were similar to the first, yet the tone shifted with each envelope as time moved forward. A prominent note of desperation and self-hate tainted the ink of her words. Then I came across a letter that branded my insides like a hot iron.
Rafe,
I don’t know what to do! I’m so scared. He’s out of control. He put my science partner in the hospital today, all because the guy asked me out on a date. I wish you were here. I know it’s irrational to wish that. I’m the reason you are where you are. It’s all my fault. My existence has caused so much pain for others.
You’re the only one I can talk to you about any of this, yet I’m still not being honest. I’m still holding stuff back. I’m afraid if I write it out, something really bad will happen. I know I’m being paranoid. Spelling out the words won’t bring the ceiling down, yet I can’t make myself do it.
I wish I were stronger. My mom was strong. I see that now. She let go of this painful Earth because she felt she had no other choice. I hate that she left me, but I understand it now.
