by A N Busch
She tried to steady her breathing but it was hard to do, every second that passed the anger inside her was over taking more of her. Even if she wanted to reign in her rage, she was not sure that she would be able to. Just when she thought the anger in her had peeked the emotions from that day hit her in the stomach like a wrecking ball. She lost control of herself as the pain from so long ago, the same pain that hit her last night, clamped onto her whole being. It took a few moments for Abigail to gain control of herself again, to set aside all sadness and pain and just feel the anger igniting a fire within her. She stopped pacing – something she had not even realized she was doing - and looked at him, his head still hanging low.
“Look at me - you, you coward! Why was I not good enough? You leave with that sorry excuse of a letter; then I don’t see you for almost fourteen years! What did you think was going to happen? I was just going to swoon at the sight of you?”
Abigail’s arms were crossed at her chest as she glared at him, tapping her foot on the ground. Mr. Michaels was staring at her in shock, with his mouth hanging open. He closed it and then opened it to speak again, but Abigail cut him off.
“No, don’t you dare try to say anything.” She threw up her hands, waving them back and forth. She shook her head and then looked right into his eyes, staring him down as if she dared him to try and speak again. “I’m not done with you yet. You got the last word before; it’s my turn damn it!’
He closed his mouth and just looked at her, shocked. Abigail started to pace back and forth again. There was so much she wanted to say to him. She just needed a moment to get it in order and figure out where to start.
“Abs, I.”
She jerked around as he started to speak and cut him off, “NO! You know what! You can just keep your mouth shut for a minute.”
He watched her continue to pace without saying a word. She wanted to keep yelling but too many things were coming to mind at one time. She stopped and turned sharply looking toward him; she was across the table from him now. She uncrossed her arms and leaned on the table with both hands in fists. Her right foot was tapping the ground faster and her face felt like it was 140 degrees.
“I have one question for you then I’m leaving; do you understand that? I’ll give this account to another associate when I get home. You got that Westly?”
All Mr. Michaels did was lower his head again as he nodded.
“No you look at me while I say this.” She could see the sadness in his eyes when he looked at her and her heart almost gave way to him. “I don’t want this poor me routine, I’m not playing your games this time buddy.”
She knew she needed to start talking again before she melted. She lowered her head and took in a deep breath hoping her words would put some fire back into her that had already started to fizzle out.
“Where did you go? Why did you leave me like that? What was going on that you thought you could not tell me about? I would have gone anywhere with you Westly, didn’t you know that? That letter; that was all I got? That was the best you could do? Did you think I would just be ok with it all? Did you think for one second about what it was going to do to me?”
His face instantly looked like he was traumatized by her words when she looked at him again. Abigail waited no more that thirty seconds before she spoke again, “Well, answer me damn it! I deserve to know; I gave you everything I had and you just destroyed me. I wish you could know what I went through for weeks after that. Why Westly? Why would you do that to me?”
Abigail leaned back against the wall and folded her arms again, hoping they would help her to hold onto her anger. She felt like her whole body had ignited itself again with anger as she watched him slowly lean back in the chair and that crooked smile spread across his face. Once upon a time that would have melted her like butter, but not now. This time she saw nothing more than smug arrogance in it and she grit her teeth to keep from jumping over the table to slap it off his face.
“That was more than one question Abs.” His smile grew wider, and his casual demeanor made her work harder at maintaining herself. Every emotion she had was about to explode inside her. Anger was loosing its grip and pain was rising higher till it ripped through as if she had been stabbed right in the heart. Tears pressed hard into the corners of her eyes. Abigail had to use ever bit of anger she had left to hold them back. She bit the inside of her cheek; she was not going to let him see her cry.
She walked around the table back to his side with her hands clenched tightly in fists. “Don’t you dare call me that name! You gave that right up a long time ago.” It took a great amount of strength not to punch him. “Just answer my questions and don’t be such a smart ass. Be very thankful I have not punched you in the face yet, Mr. Michaels.” Abigail put every ounce of disgust and hatred she could find inside her into his name.
A faint sound came from outside the door and they both turned to look in its direction. Was she really yelling at him that loudly? She must have been, there was a shadow at the bottom of the door like someone was standing there listening to them.
“Miss Jansen, there are easier ways to eavesdrop on what is going on in this room. Why don’t you take a break and go get something to drink.”
Abigail looked at Mr. Michaels and made a mental note to try not to be so loud again. She grabbed the bottle of water off the table and jerked it open. As she was drinking he stood and crossed the room taking the phone’s cord out of the wall.
“Abs. I’m sorry, Abby, will you please sit with me?”
“My name is Abigail! And no I’m fine standing; thank you very much.”
He walked back to her with his head down and his hands in his pockets. When he stopped he was less than a foot from her; her knees started to become weak under her and she grabbed the chair and sat down. “Fine, I’ll sit.” There was no way she was going to let him have the chance to catch her again if they completely gave out on her.
He unbuttoned his suit coat as he sat down across from her and then leaned in before he started to speak. “That day I got a call in the afternoon. My older half sister and her husband had died in a car accident that morning. I hadn’t talked to her in years, but I was listed as her next of kin. You might remember that my father had passed away years before then. I was making and receiving calls most of the afternoon.”
Abigail leaned back in her chair, with a look of confusion on her face. She didn’t understand what any of this was supposed to mean. She was trying to listen, to understand, but the look he had on his face that day and the way he was acting was running through her mind. His voice was quiet but strong, and slowly, just like he could years ago, he drew her into him with his wonderful eyes.
“They had three children – their five-year-old was in the accident with them and had survived. Their three-year-old twins were with a sitter. I had to go take care of the funeral arrangements and take care of children that I didn’t even know. I couldn’t let them go into foster care or get separated from one another, not after loosing both parents like that.” He stood up and started pacing back and forth.
His voice cracked when he started to speak again, “I wanted to tell you, to ask you to come with me. But I couldn’t ask you to give up everything in your life. We had only been together a couple months, and I, I just thought there was no way you could love me that much. I was far from home and, truthfully, I only had you. You had family and friends and plans for your life.”
Abigail was looking at the ground now trying not to think of the pain of him leaving her. She wanted to ball herself up in the chair like a child that was being told bad news. He stopped his pacing in front of her and she felt his hand touch her chin, gently lifting her face till she was looking into his eyes. They were still so blue, even behind his dark rimmed glasses. Her heart started to break and mend itself again like it had last night.
“Westly, I would have been there for you. That is too much to go through alone. Didn’t you know how much I loved you? Did you really think I wouldn’t gi
ve up anything and everything just to be with you?” She didn’t hold back the tears this time when she felt them pressing against her eyes. As the first one trickled down her cheek, he wiped it away gently.
“Oh Abs; I should have known. I really shouldn’t have questioned that you felt any differently for me than I did for you. You have no idea how I died inside leaving you that day. I know now that I should have never left that way; I should have given you the chance to decide. I just didn’t know how to tell you, to ask you to come with me. That night, when I was going to bring it up you stopped me. I couldn’t find the courage to just tell you.” Westly took in a deep ragged breath. “I heard your words to me, but I didn’t listen to them. I was young and stupid, if I could take it back somehow. I’ve wanted to take it back every day since then. If only I could go back and change what happened, I swear, I would do it.”
Abigail said nothing in return and waited. She could not help but stare at him, changed in so many ways but still so much the same. His hair was dark now, and he had small worry lines in the corner of his eyes. But he smelled the same, and his eyes were still captivating. His hands on her cheeks were warm like they had been in the past, so caring, protective and strong all at the same time.
She reached up to touch his face but stopped herself. He grabbed her hand in his and placed it on his face, holding it there and then he turned and kissed her palm before placing it back on the side of his face. She could see the tears welling up in his eyes now, and it caused her to start crying again.
“I really thought I had done the right thing for a while. Oh Abs, I died that day in so many ways. I had left everything I truly was with you,” Westly took in a ragged breath and looked down at the ground. “I got half way back home and I almost turned around, but I told myself you would be okay and you would move on. I really thought that there was no way you needed me as much as I needed you.”
For the first time, her husband popped into Abigail’s mind and guilt took over her body and mind. What was she doing? She was a married woman. She pulled her hand away slowly and looked at the wedding ring on her other hand. Maybe that was enough, she had her answers. She needed to go now. She had moved on and had a wonderful life back home in Texas. It was time to go home to her husband and her children.
She stood up slowly hoping her legs were strong enough and she would not collapse again. “I’m sorry Westly, I have to go. I did move on and I have a great life. I have a wonderful husband and three beautiful children at home waiting for me to come back. This is all too much; I need to go.”
He stood up next to her and pulled her into his arms, so strong but gentle at the same time. His voice was no more than a whisper when he spoke, “Please Abs let me finish, there’s so much more that I need you to know. It feels so good just to hold you in my arms again. Don’t go, not yet anyway. Just give me a little more time; I have more to tell you. Then you can go home if you want to. I just need to tell you everything.”
Abigail hesitantly placed her arms around him and waited. He was holding her so close and part of her didn’t want him to let her go. When he let go slowly, he motioned for her to sit back down. As she did, he took her hands in his and sat down with her. He touched her wedding ring and was quiet for a short while as he looked at it. She felt a small ping of guilt for moving on with her life but was able to quickly push it away. She could see the hurt in his eyes and she hated it, but she had done what he wanted her to do. She had moved on with her life. Abigail said nothing and just stayed quiet, waiting for him to find his voice and continue.
“I watched you sleep for hours that night before I carried you back to your room. I left the note and part of me thought you would wake up, find it, and come to me. I couldn’t take it if you had told me no to my face, the pain would have been too much to handle. I waited until almost ten-thirty the next day and when you didn’t show, I assumed you didn’t want me. I made a disk with another longer note telling you everything and included all my contact information on it. For months I thought you just saw it and wanted nothing to do with everything I suddenly had on my plate.”
“The disk? That must have been the one I cracked in half and threw at the wall.”
“You never even got it?” He looked confused and then more upset.
“Oh I got it, but I never looked at it. It took all my strength to break it in half; I was just so mad at you for leaving me like that,” Abigail said looking away. If she had just looked at it that day she could have known so much more.
Westly was silent in front of her for quite some time. She turned back to look at him slowly as he took off his glasses and put them on the table. His hands covered his face as he started to speak again. When his voice cracked on the first word, he stopped. Abigail scooted closer to him and moved his hands away; every ounce of pain she had that day and in the weeks afterward were on his face now.
“Westly tell me please, don’t stop now.”
He stood sharply and walked to the other side of the room. He stood facing the wall for a long moment. With his silence dragging out Abby didn’t know what to do. Keep waiting? Go to him? As she started to speak, to urge him to continue again, he turned sharply and the look on his face cut off her speech. A single tear hung on his cheek; pain and sadness clouded his eyes. There was a strange hint of anger covering the rest of his face. All she could do was watch him and wait for him to speak again, not knowing where his thoughts were going at the moment.
“Abs I waited to hear from you for almost five months. One day I woke up and couldn’t wait any longer, I had to know why you hadn’t come to me. I called the number to your dorm room but it was not yours anymore, then I called your parents number in Texas and it was disconnected. I even called your aunt and left messages, but she never called me back. I called her every thirty minutes all day and got no answer.” He walked swiftly back to her and lifted hee to stand with him. He never broke contact with her eyes as he lifted her hands and kissed them again and again.
He closed his eyes for only a moment and when he spoke again, he quickened the pace of his words, “I had to hear it from you, or see you, or I don’t know, have you back. I got on a plane and went back to campus. I searched for you everywhere; six hours went by before I saw Paul just off campus. He was not happy with me and he let know it, he even punched me in the face. He wouldn’t tell me anything about where I might find you. I begged and begged him and he told me to go home.”
Abigail wiped new tears from his cheeks and tried to smile, but it was too hard when she was crying along with him.
“I searched for another three hours; I checked every dorm to see if you were staying there. You were not in the dining hall. You were not in the library or at Wader’s Lake. I checked them over and over again. Then I decided to get on a plane to Texas and track you down. I was about to pull out of my parking spot when a little yellow car almost clipped the back end of my rental. I saw that it was Rachel so I threw the car in park right where it was and started to run after her. She was getting out of the car when I caught up to her.” He stopped and took in a deep sharp breath. He tried to cover his face again, but Abigail held onto his hands and then placed her hands on his face, silently telling him to continue.
“Um, I was crying at that point and I fell to my knees in front of her. I can still remember the scowl on her face as she listened to me beg her to help me find you.”
Westly grabbed the water bottle off the table and finished it off before speaking again, “I begged her and cried telling her how I needed you, needed to know where you were. You were my life; my other half and I felt empty without you. Oh God Abs, I was begging and begging. I just kept saying, ‘Please tell me where my Abs is. I need to see her. I have to tell her everything.’ You have no idea what it means to have you in front of me right now; to see you and touch you again.”
“Westly, what are you talking about?”
Westly kissed the top of her head and then collapsed into the chair behind where he stood. He look
ed worn down and exasperated now. Westly let out a small groan and clutched his hand over his heart. He closed his eyes and let his head fall back to rest on the chair, “She, Rachel, she told me that you were dead. Well, what she said was, ‘I’m sorry Westly, but your Abs is dead. She’s gone and can never come back to you.’ She almost kicked me to the ground when she walked away from me.” Westly opened his eyes then and stared at Abigail, taking in her reaction to his words.
“I cried in the parking lot for a long time after that, just leaning against her car not moving, just mourning the death of you.” His voice got quieter, almost nothing more than raspy whispers. “I thought you were dead Abs. I didn’t stop crying for days and days when I got back home.” The look on his face was like he was seeing a ghost in front of him now – a mix of both shock and amazement.
“I’m not dead Westly. I’m here. It’s all real, somehow fate has brought us back together.” Abigail sat down suddenly feeling exhausted from all that had been happening.
They were both silent for what felt like hours just looking at one another. In an instant Westly was on his feet again and pulling her up to him. He wrapped his arms around her and held on so tightly, as if at any moment she would turn to vapors and disappear. Abigail gave her heart over to him and just let herself be in his arms. Just like their first hug, she stood listening to his heartbeat and the breathing in his chest. It was like they had never been apart then; he was her Westly and she was his Abs again. She was Abby again, the tender-hearted and shy girl she had closed off to the world.
“I think I understand why she said that to you. Rachel watched me rip myself apart in her apartment for over three weeks. One day I woke up and made myself forget you. I told her it was never to be spoken of again, like it was a dream and it never really happened.” Abby had died that day, not in a literal way, but she was dead in so many ways. “I called myself Abigail from that day on, and forced those months with you out of my head and heart.” The part of her that was Abby was dead, until now. It was like the handsome prince had kissed Sleeping Beauty and woken her from an evil spell.
