by Leddy Harper
“Different.” He dropped his hands from my face and my cheeks immediately turned cold. A shiver ran through me as he backed away, reaffirming his absence. “I have to get back in. They need to get ready for bed.”
“I can help,” I suggested without thought. “Please, let me see them.”
“That’s not a good idea right now, Edie. They don’t know you. I don’t know you.”
“How else will they get to know me? That won’t happen if you keep me from them.”
He started to say something but then stopped himself, his mouth opening and closing quickly. I’m sure it would have been another lecture about how it was all my fault to begin with and he wasn’t doing anything wrong. At least he stopped himself.
“What about tomorrow? Can I have them while you’re at work?” I asked once I realized he wasn’t going to say anything else. I didn’t want him to walk away quite yet. I needed a few more minutes for my legs to regain the strength they’d lost when he held my face in his hands, so close to his own.
“No, they have school.”
“But Livvy is only four, and the boys—”
“She’s in preschool and the boys have daycare.”
I swallowed hard, needing to push further. I had to keep fighting, unwilling to simply give in. “You don’t need to pay for that if I’m here. Let me take them, please.”
“No. They need their schedule and routine to stay the same. It’s important for their wellbeing to have structure.”
My fists clenched at my sides as I frantically thought of another way. I wanted to see my kids—I needed them. It was important to me to get Donnie back, but my kids were the highest priority.
He let out a lungful of air and let his head sag before picking it back up and looking at me. The sun had fallen behind the horizon by that point and the orange sky highlighted the agony that his twisted facial features displayed.
“Come over tomorrow night. We’ll have dinner. That will give me time to tell them who you are. They’ll need time to process it and ask me questions. I get home at five thirty. Be here at six.” He didn’t give me a chance to answer. Without any hesitation, he spun around and went back inside, softly closing the door behind him.
All of a sudden, I felt as if I could breathe. Clean and fresh air entered my lungs, unlike the polluted air from before. I knew it didn’t mean anything that he’d invited me for dinner, but it was a step in the right direction. For the rest of the night, I couldn’t think about anything other than seeing my kids, spending time with them.
And hopefully, rebuilding the relationships we once had.
Sleeping on a blowup mattress had been much better than the hard floor, but I still wouldn’t call it comfortable. The blankets helped some, though. I’d been living out of a suitcase with no furniture, and as I woke in the morning, I knew I had to do something about that.
Even though Donnie didn’t seem as angry with me, I knew I still had a long road ahead. If I wanted to have the kids over, and possibly stay the night with me, I would need beds for them. I could sleep on a plastic mattress filled with air and keep my clothes in a suitcase, but they couldn’t. Donnie would never let that happen. I needed to start taking the necessary steps to set up this house as a home.
So, I decided to go out and find something for the kids while Donnie was at work. I had hours to kill before dinner and I knew I had to get out of the house to keep from going crazy.
My first stop had been a few local consignment shops, but they didn’t have anything and—in my opinion—it’d all been over-priced for secondhand furniture. I’d reluctantly decided to look at a real store.
Furniture City was near the house, and I knew their prices were low, but I chose to drive a little bit farther and pay a little more money. Beth had been the manager at Furniture City before I left, and I didn’t want to chance a possible run-in with her in case she still worked there. There were plenty of things I wanted—needed—to say to her, but I wasn’t ready for that yet. I had to focus on getting my house ready for the kids and prepare for my dinner with the family.
I didn’t have time to worry about Beth.
I wandered around the showcase floor, looking at everything, when an older gentleman approached me. I had no idea what I wanted, but he’d been really helpful¸ questioning me until I could relay enough information to give him somewhat of an idea.
“Our children’s furniture is over here. We have a rather large selection of toddler beds, like this racecar one,” he said, pointing to a small plastic bed designed much like a toy car with a steering wheel and everything.
I stared at it, suddenly feeling extremely inadequate. “What are the ages for these? My boys are three and a half; would they need something like this or would this be too small?”
He silently questioned me with curious eyes, but then quickly shook it off and asked, “Well, what size beds do they have now?”
I shrugged, not wanting to answer him. “I don’t know. They live with their father.” I paused, feeling the need to say more. “I’ve been gone for a couple of years, so I have no idea what they sleep on.”
His expression softened, even though I’m sure I had made myself sound like an ex-convict. I didn’t care, though. He didn’t treat me any differently than before my confession.
“We have other options as well. Like these…” He walked me a little farther down and stopped at another small bed. “These are our hybrid toddler beds. It’s a twin-sized mattress, but the base is low to the ground, much like the smaller toddler beds. As the child grows, you can add a stackable base beneath it that will make it higher. It has two drawers here on the bottom that come with dividers to turn it into, essentially, four drawers,” he explained as he dropped to his knees and pulled open the drawers, showing me their sizes.
I grabbed the tag from the footboard to check the price. It was more than I wanted to spend, especially since I would need two of them, but it did seem to be the best option for the long term. If Donnie never took me back, at least I’d have good beds for the boys. And if my dreams came true, and we were able to be a family again, it’s not like I couldn’t sell them.
“We are running a special this week—twenty percent off—and we are throwing in base model mattresses with each purchase,” he informed me. My expression must have been contemplative because his tone was full of empathy.
I nodded. “Okay, that sounds good. I will need two of these then. And I also have a daughter—she’s almost five. She needs a bed as well. I like the idea of having drawers included in the bed since I won’t be able to get dressers. Are there any like those for her?”
With a small smile and a gentle hand on my lower back, he guided me to an area of little girls’ furniture. I knew Livvy didn’t need anything spectacular, but just seeing the pinks and whites, the canopies, and frilly details made me want to get her everything. She was my little girl, always had been, and I used to love dreaming of what her room would look like once she’d be able to have real furniture. Once again, I was hit with the pain of everything I had lost over the last two years. A pain that I didn’t think would ever dissipate. I had lost so much. Could I ever make it right?
I stepped over to a twin-sized bed made out of white wood with small decorative carvings. It was beautiful and everything I used to dream of her having. Although, one look at the price tag and I realized I would never be able to give that to her. In order to afford that, I would have to get a job pronto, and that would mean I wouldn’t be able to see them much. I didn’t want that. I wanted to be available for them at all times. Being with them and spending time with them was the most important thing.
My resignation must have been clear because the salesman approached me, and in the softest voice, said, “We actually have one very similar to this in our own collection. It’s the knock-off version, but it’s very-well made.” His voice turned into a whisper when he informed me that it was a “knock-off,” which made me smile.
After I picked out all three beds,
trying not to add up the prices in my head, I strolled over to the couch section. I didn’t need anything fancy—anything was better than the suitcase I’d been using. They had a single loveseat that’d been greatly reduced due to a tear in the fabric, and I took it without even sitting on it. Turns out, it was also a sleeper sofa, which excited me even more.
“I meant to ask,” I said as the gentleman rang up my list of furniture, “you do offer delivery, correct?” If not, I wouldn’t have been able to buy it. The thought of renting a truck was too much to deal with, and my suitcase barely fit inside of my old Honda Accord.
“Of course. When would you like it delivered? There is a small fee for that, but I’m sure I can have it waived for you. You are purchasing quite a bit.”
I smiled, feeling good about the day and all that I had managed to accomplish. Everything was going so well and I’d hoped that was a good omen for the night ahead of me. I gave him my address and after looking in the computer, he informed me he could have it delivered by three that afternoon. He only had to get the delivery fee dropped and then I’d be set to go.
“Excuse me, Mrs. Leery, this is our manager…” the salesman said from behind me, interrupting my thoughts. He didn’t need to finish the introduction, and if he did, I didn’t hear it.
I could feel my face flame and my hands begin to shake. Adrenaline pumped through me at a rapid pace, filling me with a mixture of emotions that I couldn’t untangle. I purposely went to that store to avoid Beth, going out of my way to shop where she wasn’t, yet there she was, standing in front of me with a manager nametag on.
There went my good day.
“Can we talk?” she asked quietly, seeming just as nervous as I was.
I shook my head and answered, “No. I just want to buy my furniture and leave. I really have nothing to say to you right now.”
“I will waive your fee if you talk to me,” she negotiated.
I thought about it. Part of me didn’t care how much the fee was—it would be worth paying if that meant I didn’t have to talk to Beth in the middle of a furniture store. But at the same time, I’d already spent so much and needed to save as much as I could. After all, I’d have to talk to her at some point, might as well get something out of it.
I nodded and followed her to the back of the store, away from anyone that could’ve overheard our conversation. She seemed nervous and it only served to increase my anxiety. The decision was made—I would hear her out and that was it.
“Well…?” I started when she remained quiet.
After exhaling, she said, “It’s really good to see you.”
Really? It was good to see me? She’d been fucking my husband and it was good to see me? I bit my tongue, fighting the need to lash out at her, and waited for her to continue.
“Donnie told me that you know…about us.”
I rolled my eyes, disbelieving what I’d heard. “If you called me over here to rub your relationship with my husband in my face, then you’ve wasted your time. I don’t care to hear what you have to say. No amount of apologies will take away what you’ve done.”
“I have no intention of apologizing to you.”
That got my attention. “Excuse me? You were my best friend, Beth.” My voice began to rise, no longer caring who heard what. “How in the hell could you think going after my husband wouldn’t warrant at least an apology?”
“Neither one of us planned it. It just happened. I was there, helping him with the kids, helping him with the house. I was the one putting the pieces back together after you destroyed them. It’s only natural for two people to form some kind of relationship after that. He was no longer my best friend’s husband and I was no longer his wife’s best friend. You were gone, had disappeared without a word. We were two people, grieving and growing together. Two people that needed each other and found comfort together.”
“But you were my best friend, Beth. You were the only one that knew the real reason I left. Doesn’t that mean anything to you? I can understand Donnie—he didn’t know the shit I’d been going through, he didn’t know the kinds of things going through my head. But you…you did.” I was so despondent and it showed in my words, was heard in my tone, and felt throughout my entire body.
“Will you please stop acting like we did this to get back at you. You’re the one—”
“Oh, my God, Beth. If I hear one more person remind me that I’m the one that left, I’m going to scream. I am reminded of that every time I turn around, as if I’m completely unaware of that fact. Trust me, I’m not delusional. I know I fucked up. I know I hurt everyone. Stop reminding me.”
“Then stop playing the victim. Own up to what you did.”
My fists were clenched so tightly I could feel my fingernails digging into my palms. She had some nerve… “I’m not playing the victim and I am owning up to what I’ve done. I came back to do that. Not once have I blamed anything on anyone else.”
“But you are. You’re making us feel bad for moving on with our lives. Stop. Just stop it. That’s what I mean by taking responsibility. What makes you think that after walking away from everything, you can simply come back and start pointing out everything we’ve been doing wrong? You can’t.”
Is that what I’d been doing? I hadn’t thought of it until then.
“I get it, Edie…you’re hurt that Donnie and I got together. I understand that. But what you can’t seem to understand is that it was only natural. We both lost you. We were both sad, angry, confused, and lost. Donnie was a mess and he needed help with things. I was there to help him. I stepped in and helped with the kids that no longer had a mother. They were grieving, he was grieving, and I was grieving the loss of you. It was only supposed to be until you came back. But you never did. He has gone through so much since you’ve been gone, and I was there for him to lean on. You should be thanking me, not blaming me.”
My entire world had been flipped upside down by her words. As much as I hated them, as much as they tore me apart and made me want to fight back, I knew she was right. I had no right to be mad at her for looking after my family while I was missing in action. And I couldn’t blame her for falling for Donnie. He was an amazing man. I couldn’t blame her for loving my children. That’s what they deserved and needed when I hadn’t been able to provide them the love they deserved. And I couldn’t blame Donnie for depending on Beth. After all, I had depended on her since childhood. She’d been the one I’d turned to when life became too much to bear.
My fists unclenched and rested against my thighs as a knot formed in my throat. I didn’t want to admit to her that she was right, but I knew I had to. If I had any expectations of things getting better, I had to start being the bigger person. And that meant admitting the things I had done wrong.
“I’m sorry,” I acknowledged, looking to the front of the store instead of at her. “It’s just so hard, you know? It’s so hard to accept the fact that my life will never be the way it was, and I can’t change that. Hope is what made me come back. The hope that I could be happy again, be with my family again. Hope was the only thing that outweighed the fear. But now, the reality is far from that.”
Her hand reached out and held mine, bringing my attention back to her face. Her chin quivered and her eyes were glossy. She seemed sad, but what did she have to be sad about?
“You didn’t tell Donnie why I left, did you?”
Beth shook her head and then elaborated. “It wasn’t my business to tell. I thought you were going to deal with it and then come back. And then you could tell him if that’s what you decided. After you didn’t return, I figured it would only hurt him more, and I didn’t want to be the one to do that. I’ve never told anyone. That’s your secret to tell.”
I my body relaxed. I was happy that she hadn’t told him, but at the same time, it added more stress to my plate. That meant I’d eventually have to tell him, forcing me to hurt him one more time. I didn’t want that, but as I’d been quickly learning, it didn’t matter what I wanted.<
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With a smile and a squeeze to my hand, Beth led me back to the register, giving her approval to waive the delivery fee. She also gave him some code that took an extra hundred dollars off the total.
Once I left the store, I found myself completely depleted of energy. I wanted nothing more than to go back to the house, curl up on my pathetic air mattress, and fall asleep, but I still needed bedding for the kids. I knew they wouldn’t be spending the night anytime soon, but I wanted to have it completely ready for when they did. Not to mention, I wanted to prove to Donnie that I had been taking this seriously. He needed to see the effort I continued to make, and not just with him.
The delivery truck pulled up in front of the house at a quarter to three, waking me up from my nap. I’d been excited to have their rooms set up and fidgeted the entire time the men assembled the beds.
As each bed was set up, the rooms were transformed. I’d been surprised by how much the new furniture lightened up the space and made it appear livable. The new furniture smell took over the stale air and I felt excited for the first time in a long time. It didn’t take them long, but the anticipation made the time go by slowly.
Not as slowly as it did after they left, though. The couple of hours before my dinner with my family dragged on and on, seemingly lasting for days. I tried to pass the time by doing my hair, curling it with my fat curler, and applying some makeup. I must have taken it off and put it back on four times. I didn’t want it to seem like I’d been trying too hard, but I also didn’t want to look like a sleep-deprived mess—which is what I was.
I ended up changing my outfit six times, nearly going through all the clothes I had brought with me. The jean skirt was nice and showed off my legs well—Donnie always loved my legs for some reason—but none of the tops I had looked good with it. I had one shirt that looked great, but it had been on the bottom of the suitcase and was beyond wrinkled. I didn’t have an iron so I had to forgo that outfit. Dresses were out of the question since I didn’t want Donnie to think I expected anything out of the night.
