Don't Worry, Life Is Easy

by Agnes Martin-Lugand

  The screeching of his tires told me he was back. I stiffened even more and shouted as soon as he came over to me.

  “How could you have hidden such a thing from me? You have a son who’s more than five years old! And you told me nothing? Is that your philosophy, to lie and hide whatever is most important in your life? You’d already hidden your slut from me! And now, your…”

  “Be quiet! What right do you have to ask me questions? You left! You never tried to find out how we were! You rebuilt your life!”

  His attack stopped me in my tracks. He turned away and lit a cigarette. I felt terrible; the time for reproaches had come. He was right. I’d left him just at the point when he was ready to do so many things with me. But I couldn’t stop myself; I needed answers.

  “Did you know about him when I was here?”

  “How could you think such a horrible thing?” he retorted, turning to face me again, a dark look in his eyes.

  “Don’t think you can get off so easily. I’m not going to wait for Judith to arrive to find out what’s been happening in your life. That time is long gone. Either you explain where he came from right now…”

  “Or what?”

  “Or I leave. Tonight.”

  I didn’t like what I was doing but I didn’t have a choice. He said nothing.

  “If I leave now, Abby’s the one who will suffer.”

  He ran his hands through his hair and looked at the sea.

  “I found out about Declan just over six months ago. And he’s been living here for four months.”

  He walked towards the rocks and sat down on one. I watched him for a long time before deciding to join him. He looked so awful; I watched him smoke his cigarette in his unique way. If he could have swallowed it whole, he would have. The weariness I’d noticed when I saw him in Paris was palpable. It was more than that: it was exhaustion, physical exhaustion. He was crushed by a weight that he couldn’t seem to lift. Things had changed between us, but his distress was unbearable to me, and what I was asking him to do by confiding in me was difficult for him. He glanced at me sideways when I sat down next to him. I pulled the collar of my jacket up and waited for him to continue.

  “Judith must have told you that after I broke up with Megan, I went away to the Aran Islands by myself, right?”

  “Yes.”

  “What she never knew was that I made a stop in Galway before getting the boat. I got drunk to forget. From the first night, I was with a woman who was also drinking to escape something, I never knew what. You can easily imagine how that ended up… It lasted three days… We only got out of bed to get our alcohol levels back up. One morning, when I woke up, I remembered that I’d left the dog in my car. The poor thing… I realized what I was turning into: a guy who drinks and sleeps with anyone to get back at his ex… I was pathetic; it wasn’t like me. I left on the boat without saying goodbye; I cut myself off from everyone for two months on the Aran Islands and forgot about the girl. I could barely remember her name. Except she never had the chance to forget me.”

  He stopped talking to light a cigarette. He’d been left feeling less self-confident due to his sense of responsibility.

  “Are you living together?”

  He smiled at me, sadly.

  “She’s dead.”

  Ice ran through my veins. I felt bad for his little boy.

  “How did you know he was your son? How old is he?”

  “He’s six… After you left, I worked hard to… Anyway, my name started to be heard in a lot of places. I was asked to cover a regatta in Galway. One day, when I got off the boat, she was waiting for me at the port. She’d been trying to find me for months. It took me ages to recognize her, not because of my foggy memories, but because she had changed completely; she was all skin and bones and her face was ravaged by exhaustion. She insisted we have a drink together. She got straight to the point and told me she was dying. I was sad for her but didn’t understand what I could do. Then she showed me a picture of Declan. If she hadn’t have been ill, I never would have known I had a son. She raised him all alone, asking nothing of anyone… When you called me, I had just received the results of the paternity test and was packing my suitcases to go to Galway so I could be with her until the end.

  He stood up and walked toward the sea. I was freezing, not because the temperature had dropped, but because of what I had just heard. Life had given him a son he hadn’t wanted and whose mother had died; and life had taken away my daughter, my reason for living. Clara was Declan’s age when she’d gone. And yet, I was far from being envious. How was he going to manage? A man who was a loner, scarred by his own mother’s death and his father’s desertion?

  “Diane, we have to get going. Jack and Abby eat early.”

  I walked ten paces behind him as we headed for his car. My heart ached when I got into his Range Rover. As well as the various rubbish that always Edward left, there were now traces of a child. Another difference: his car smelled less like tobacco than before. It was a short ride; he drove as fast as ever. Once the car was parked and the engine turned off, Edward leaned back in his seat, closed his eyes and sighed.

  “Edward… I…”

  “Please, don’t say anything.”

  He got out of the car; so did I. As we went into Abby and Jack’s house, we were greeted by a child’s laughter, laughter that brought tears to my eyes. I was careful, so no one noticed. Edward just stroked his son’s hair. I took over from Abby in the kitchen; that kept me busy and far away from the child who was always watching me out of the corner of his eye.

  Abby presided when we sat down to eat; Jack sat next to me and Edward and his son opposite. The situation was totally bizarre. What was I doing there? I had no choice but to face reality. And to listen to Declan, who talked nonstop. The problem became more serious when he targeted me.

  “Where do you live, Diane? Why are you here?”

  I looked up and caught Edward looking at me before looking at his son.

  “I’m visiting Abby and Jack, and I live in Paris.”

  “Is that where you went, daddy?”

  I clutched the edge of the table when I heard him say that word: “daddy.”

  “Yes, Declan. That’s where I went.”

  “And did you see daddy, Diane?”

  “A little.”

  “Are you friends, then?”

  I looked at Edward, begging him to answer.

  “Diane is more Judith’s friend. That’s enough now, eat up and stop talking.”

  Declan scowled and looked at his father with a mixture of fear and admiration.

  When the meal was over, I hurried to clear the table. Except that Declan, a little boy who had been brought up well, helped me. I didn’t want to be unpleasant to him; he’d asked nothing of me and done nothing wrong, but it was more than I could take. Children are like dogs: the less you want to see them, the more they follow you around. Fortunately, Jack came in.

  “You’ve done enough tonight; go out and have your cigarette,” he said, winking at me.

  “Thanks.”

  I was already at the entrance by the front door when I overheard Abby and Edward talking. He had an offer of work the day after tomorrow and no one could pick Declan up from school. Abby couldn’t do it; she had medical tests scheduled 50 kilometers from Mulranny. With a gentleness I’d never seen in him, Edward reassured her, saying that it wasn’t important. I walked away thinking the complete opposite.

  While I was smoking my cigarette, I took advantage of the time to call Olivier. To my great surprise, he was spending the evening with Felix. After being reassured about the state of the bookshop, I couldn’t help telling him what I’d learned that day, and it worried him.

  “How does he seem?”

  “It isn’t easy. I wasn’t expecting this.”

  In the background, I could hear Felix pressing Olivier with questions; Olivier finally explained everything to him. Felix let out an outraged cry and grabbed the telephone.

  “
Are you joking? He has a kid? When I think that he was about to live with…”

  “Felix!” I shouted into the phone to stop him talking.

  “Oops! Anyway, he was a real bastard to the mother!”

  “He didn’t know, Felix,” I said, defending Edward, which troubled me. “Put Olivier back on now.”

  He did as he was told, grumbling, but I didn’t care.

  “Are you happy to be there, in spite of everything?”

  “Yes, I am. I’m enjoying Abby and Jack, and Judith will be arriving soon; don’t worry about me.”

  “I miss you, Diane.”

  “Me too.”

  The front door opened behind me. Edward and his son were going home.

  “I have to go,” I said to Olivier. “Lots of love.”

  “Me too.”

  I hung up. Edward was staring at me, clenching his teeth. Declan came straight at me.

  “Will we see each other again?”

  “I don’t know…”

  “It would be fun; we could play with Postman Pat.”

  “Declan, leave Diane in peace and get in the car!”

  “But…”

  “No buts.”

  Father and son were wary of each other. In spite of his harshness, Edward seemed helpless.

  “You’re mean, daddy!”

  He ran to the car. Edward sighed.

  “I’m sorry if he bothered you tonight.”

  “Not at all. Don’t worry.”

  The spontaneity of my reply surprised me. Did I say it because I didn’t want Edward to worry or was I defending the child?

  “Good night,” he said.

  “You too.”

  He smiled ironically—I didn’t understand why—and went to join his son, who was sulking, his face glued to the car window.

  A little later, when I was going to bed, I no longer knew how I felt. I was touched by their pain. In spite of all the defenses I’d constructed around me, I couldn’t be insensitive to their situation. That little boy had lost his mother so recently and was living with a father he didn’t know. On the other hand, it was laughable to think of Edward as a father; but it was wrong to laugh about it. Edward must be putting enormous pressure on himself to try to do things properly, but he had no role model and was probably eaten up with guilt. I fell asleep thinking that there was nothing I could do, but it would be difficult for me not to be aware of the drastic change.

  6

  The next day, Abby decided that I needed to get some fresh air. After lunch, she ordered Jack and me to take advantage of her nap to go for a walk. She had no problem pretending to be tired; I found her more worn out than when she’d gotten up.

  “I could go for a walk by myself,” I suggested to Jack.

  “She’d kick me out as soon as you weren’t looking! And I’d really like to stretch my legs with you.”

  I had to admit that I was as happy as he was that we could to spend some time together. He made sure Abby had everything she needed for the afternoon and that it was within reach; then he kissed her forehead before gesturing for me to follow him. To my great surprise, we took the car. Jack drove to the cottages and parked at the back. He wanted to show me a little part of the Wild Atlantic Way—a road that went along the entire western coast of Ireland. And to think that for nearly a year, it hadn’t occurred to me to go further than I could see!

  “Take this!”

  He took a warm jacket with a hood out of the trunk.

  “We’re going to get drenched!” he said, smiling.

  “Two days with no rain: it was too good to be true!”

  We set off on our walk. I didn’t even consider talking: the beauty of the landscape and the brilliant colors took my breath away. A year earlier, I had only seen some green, while the entire range of colors in the rainbow were forever there: the dark reds of the peat bog dotted with little purple flowers, the terrifying blackness of the distant mountains, the white sheep, the deep, cold blue of the sea, the sun glistening on the waves. I felt each gust of wind as a gift. Even the rain made me happy when it started to fall. I pulled the hood tighter over my head and continued walking without even thinking of taking shelter. I was no longer the softy of the past. Jack held his hands behind his back and walked at my pace—I didn’t have his long legs. He didn’t try to make conversation. I could simply sense him, happy to be there with me. Every now and then, passing drivers honked at us; he waved and smiled at the drivers.

  “You must have had quite a shock yesterday,” he finally said, after we’d been walking for forty-five minutes.

  “That’s an understatement…”

  “It had been a very long time since I told Edward off the way I did when he refused to warn you before you got here at the beginning of the week.”

  “Why did you do that?”

  “I didn’t want you to feel betrayed. I was afraid you’d leave and that Abby would suffer because of it.”

  In truth, we’d come close.

  “In spite of the telling off, he insisted on being stupid. Stubborn as a mule!”

  “That’s nothing new! But everything’s fine, really.”

  “Whatever he does, you always end up forgiving him,” he said, laughing.

  I laughed less. He said no more and we headed back.

  As I got my bottom comfortably into the car, I tried to remember if I had ever walked so much in all my life; quite frankly, a hike at two o’clock was not part of my routine. And yet, my legs had held up; I felt light, in tip-top shape. I looked into the mirror on the visor; my cheeks were red, my eyes shining, my hair incredibly damp, but I was breathing in healthy air. People who live by the seaside, even in the Irish weather, have glowing skin. Just look at Jack. If I kept this up, I’d go back even more suntanned than I was after my weekend in the south of France with Olivier. I wanted to finish with a flourish.

  “What would you say to a stop at the pub to perk us up?”

  “Nothing would please me more!”

  Fifteen minutes later, we arrived at the parking lot of the pub. Jack got out of the car without realizing I hadn’t moved. I stared at the front of the pub; another place that brought memories to the surface, another place where the good times overshadowed the bad. Jack knocked on my window; I opened the door and got out of the passenger seat.

  “Don’t you feel the call of the beer?”

  “Yes, but it’s strange to be here.”

  “They’re not going to believe their eyes! No one has forgotten you!”

  “And you think that’s a good thing?”

  It was here I’d made a scene over Edward, dancing on the bar, so drunk I could barely stand up and was seconds away from getting into a fight with a real bitch… In short, I hadn’t always shown my most sterling side.

  “When will you accept that you’re at home here, my little French friend?”

  He pushed open the door. Immediately, I could smell beer and wood; the sound of muted conversations reminded me of the tranquility you could find in this place. I walked in, hidden by Jack’s wide body.

  “Look who I’ve brought!” he said to the barman, who looked older but still the same.

  “I must be dreaming!”

  He came out from behind the bar, took me by the shoulders and kissed me on each cheek. I felt so tiny between these two elderly giants!

  “So your nephew finally decided to go and bring her back!” he cried, returning to his post.

  “Diane came to see Abby.”

  “Of course, how stupid of me!”

  Jack looked at me sadly.

  “I’m fine…” I said, to reassure him. “And besides, he’s not completely wrong: if I hadn’t run into Edward in Paris, I certainly wouldn’t be here!”

  He burst out laughing. So did I. All of Mulranny had witnessed the many ups and downs of my relationship with Edward, and everyone had their own opinion on the matter!

  A pint of Guinness appeared in front of me. I admired its color, the thick, milky foam, the way it smel
led like coffee, the ritual of pouring half of it out, then the other half… It had been more than a year since I’d had it. The last time was in this very place. Life moved on. Before, Guinness reminded me of Colin, because it was the only beer he liked. That was why I’d come to Mulranny. Today, I no longer thought of my husband when I saw the golden harp that was the symbol of Guinness: I thought of Ireland, of Jack, who drank it at four o’clock instead of tea, of Edward who, without realizing it, had forced me to try it. Drinking it now was a shock; I realized I’d been depriving myself of a great pleasure, out of ignorance. We clinked glasses, Jack winked and looked at me as I took my first sip.

  “It’s sooo good!”

  “Victory,” he said to the barman. “She’s one of us!”

  We spent the next hour talking to various people who recognized me. They came over and asked how I was and what I was doing in a friendly way; we talked about the rain, of course, but also about the summer, which had been a good one, about rugby matches and Gaelic soccer played the weekend before. Then it was time to get back to Abby. That evening, I fizzled out soon after dinner. That day had felt like a week.

  Abby and Jack left early the next day for some doctors’ appointments. I didn’t feel like being alone in their big house, so I decided to take advantage of the day and go for a ramble to Achill Island to continue my exploration of the place from the day before. I took the same route as Jack, passing in front of the cottages, but stopped myself from glancing at them. I drove along the coast, fascinated by the wild countryside and the elements of nature. And yet, I couldn’t manage to be totally absorbed and satisfied. I tried to control my mind and my thoughts… a bitter failure. I ended up hitting the breaks right in the middle of the road.

  “Fucking idiot!” I screamed inside my car.

  I got out and slammed the door with all my might. I lit a cigarette and walked through a meadow down to the sea. It was beautiful out, it felt good, I stood over the waves, I had the whole day in front of me to be out in the fresh air, like the day before, but I could only think of one thing. I was shocked…

  I ran to my car, made a U-turn and headed back to Mulranny as fast as I could, cursing myself the whole time for my stupidity. I stopped right in front of the cottage and knocked on his door. Edward couldn’t hide his anxiety when he saw me there.