Another pint. Judith had matured; she was much more responsible and clear-headed than before. Which didn’t prevent her from getting me to dance to the devilish rhythms of traditional Irish music.
The pub was getting ready to close. Fortunately, we were just a five-minute walk from Jack and Abby’s. Both as tipsy as the other, we walked back, arm in arm. I sobered up in less than two seconds when I saw Edward’s car still parked in front of the house.
“Why’s he still hanging around here?” Judith shouted while burping, showing off her legendary touch of class.
We tiptoed in and headed for the living room. A small lamp was lit on a side table. I finally made out that Edward was sitting on the couch, his feet on the coffee table, holding a drink in one hand, the other on his son’s back, who was sleeping with his head on his father’s lap.
“Why are you still here?” Judith asked.
He didn’t bother to turn around and look at us to answer.
“Declan had a fit of anxiety when he realized he wouldn’t be seeing you two again. The only way to calm him down was to promise him we’d wait for you. He ended up falling asleep.”
“You should have called us,” I said, walking over to him.
“Thank you, Diane, but I didn’t want to screw up your evening.”
Judith knelt down next to them and saw the small amount of whiskey left in the bottle. She winked at her brother who smiled sadly.
“Leave him with us tonight; he can sleep with me. Go and sleep in your own bed for once. We’ll bring him back around noon tomorrow.”
“Well, this may surprise you, but I won’t say no.”
Judith stood up; Edward took his son in his arms and also got up. Declan clung onto his neck.
“Daddy?”
“Judith and Diane are here; you’re going to sleep in Judith’s bed with her tonight.”
I watched the three of them go upstairs. Their life was so different from mine. To keep busy, I picked up the glass and bottle and put them in the kitchen. I leaned against the sink and drank a glass of water. I jumped when I heard Edward’s voice.
“I’m going now.”
I turned around; he threw me his pack of cigarettes from across the room; he already had one lit. I understood the message and followed him. After we were outside and I’d taken one, I gave him back his cigarettes. He stared into my eyes and got out his lighter; I leaned down toward the flame, hoping I wouldn’t get burned, in both senses of the word. Then he took a few steps into the garden before coming back to me again. He rummaged around in his pocket and took out his car keys. He handed them to me and I instinctively took them.
“Could you drive my son back with my car tomorrow?”
“You’re not really going to walk home? It will take you at least half an hour.”
“I drank too much, I can’t drive… it will do me good to get some fresh air.”
Our eyes met for a long time. There was so much sadness in his expression, but a touch of anger as well. Nothing would ever appease him.
“Goodnight, Diane.”
“Be careful on your way home.”
I watched him until he disappeared into the night. I put out my cigarette stub in the ashtray, went back inside, and locked the door. I went upstairs, feeling emotional, ill at ease. Judith’s door opened a little.
“Is he still sleeping?” I asked in a whisper.
“Like a rock. Besides asking you to bring back his car, what did he say?”
“Nothing.”
“It’s just as I said; you two really should talk…”
“Goodnight, Judith.”
I slipped under the duvet, knowing that sleep would not come quickly. The image of Edward walking away, alone in the darkness, turned around and around in my mind, as well as the way he’d looked at me. Judith was right. There would always be a link between us, a tie we had to unravel as soon as possible so we could both move on.
You might think that the sole purpose of this trip to Ireland was to teach me what a family really is. When I went downstairs for breakfast, I found Abby, in her bathrobe, busy preparing an “Irish breakfast” for us; you could smell the bacon, eggs, and toast. Jack, Judith, and Declan were at the table; I was the only one missing. And yet, something was wrong; you could feel it.
“Wait, let me help you,” I suggested to Abby.
“No, my darling, I’m not an invalid!”
“Don’t insist; she’s already told me to get lost,” Judith said.
“Diane,” Declan said to me, sobbing.
I looked at him more closely; the terribly sad expression on his face broke my heart. He stood up and came over to me. I instinctively knelt down to his level.
“What’s wrong?”
“When is daddy coming back? Why isn’t he here?”
“Judith explained everything to you, didn’t she?”
“He doesn’t believe us,” she clarified.
“Declan, your daddy is at home, asleep, he was tired.”
“Really?”
“Promise.”
He threw himself against me and hung onto my neck. I held my breath. This child was pushing me beyond my limits. Except that I was an adult. I normally had the ability to control my pain, unlike him. In any case, it seemed I was rediscovering my strength and was able to help him.
“Look at me, Declan.”
He pulled very slightly away. I had the impression I was looking at his father. I forced that image out of my mind and concentrated on the child he was. I dried his cheeks with my hands.
“He hasn’t gone away. We’re going to see him after breakfast, all right?”
He nodded.
“Come and sit down.”
He instinctively sat down next to me. The food was on our plates and cups filled. Declan was still huddled up.
“Everything is fine, I told you. Trust me. So eat.”
Throughout our little talk, I hadn’t paid attention to what was happening. Everyone was staring at us. Abby smiled at me sweetly. I chose not to react and dug into my scrambled eggs.
An hour later, Judith let me drive the Jeep. As I parked in front of Edward’s cottage, I spotted him and his dog on the beach; he was smoking a cigarette. Declan was overexcited in the back of the car so Judith opened his door as fast as she could. He jumped out in a flash and ran toward his father, who turned around when he heard him call to him. Declan leapt into his arms, Edward lifted him up and gave him a big hug. Then he put him down, knelt down, ruffled his hair, and started talking to him. Declan was waving his arms about to explain something to him while Postman Pat was yapping and rushing all around them. Edward calmed the dog down and smiled at his son, a real smile, the kind of smile he was capable of when he was happy and relieved.
Watching them really shook me up; they were both so handsome and touching. Edward had truly become a father, there was no longer any doubt. He was awkward, subdued, but passionately attached to his child. At that moment, I felt that nothing was more important to him than having found his little boy. As I well understood… He must have been really exhausted to leave him with us the night before. Being apart seemed difficult for both of them. Judith joined them but I stayed back until my tears stopped flowing. Brother and sister hugged each other. I walked slowly toward them. Judith ran off down the beach, quickly followed by Declan and Postman Pat. You might wonder which one was the child, the aunt or her nephew. I walked over to Edward and handed him his car keys. One night would not be enough to get him back in shape.
“I didn’t crash it.”
“I trust you. Shall we go for a little walk?”
“Yes.”
We covered more than 100 meters without saying a word, our hands in our pockets; I could hear Declan’s cries of joy and the dog’s barking in the distance.
“Come this way, we’ll sit here; it’s the perfect place to watch Judith fooling around.”
We sat down beside each other on a rock that overlooked the beach.
“How can I kno
w when he’s all right?”
I looked at him; he was staring at his son.
“When you take him in your arms the way you did this morning, he’s fine; he knows he has a father. When he can’t go to sleep because he wants his mother, he’s in pain.”
“I’m really sorry you had to go through that.”
“Stop; it doesn’t matter.”
“What did you say to him? It was the only night he didn’t have any nightmares since he’s been with me.”
“Not much; I just talked to him about Clara. That’s all.”
My voice quivered a little; I lit a cigarette, trembling slightly. Edward gave me a few minutes to compose myself before continuing.
“Ever since we’ve known each other, you’re the only person who never tried to spare my feelings, so I’m counting on you. Tell me what I’m doing wrong with him? I want him to be happy, to forget; I don’t want him to end up like me.”
My hand took his and squeezed it tightly, as if it had a mind of its own.
“He’ll never forget, you always have to remember that. A mother, like a child, is never forgotten. You’re not doing anything wrong with him. You’re learning, that’s all. I have no advice to give you. All parents make mistakes. Give yourself time to come to terms with it. The only thing I know is that Declan looks up to you as if you were some god, and that the idea of losing you terrifies him. I know you… you don’t say much, but reassure him as much as you can. Spend time with him… teach him photography, it’s magical to him when he sees you holding your camera, at least, that’s how it looked yesterday… And… if he ends up like you, he’ll be very lucky.”
I squeezed his hand one last time and let go. I stood up, climbed down from the rock and walked toward the waves. I looked at Declan and Judith in the distance, conscious of the presence of Edward behind me. I breathed in deeply. The wind whipped my face. One thing was sure: I wouldn’t end this trip unscathed.
“When are you leaving?” he asked. I hadn’t heard him come and stand behind me.
“The day after tomorrow.”
“We’ll come and say goodbye after school.”
“If you like.”
He walked away; I watched him take his son and his dog home. They climbed into the car and sped off in a cloud of dust. Judith came over to me, put her arm around my neck and leaned her head against mine.
“Are you OK?”
“Let’s say I am.”
The rest of the day sped by. Judith and I knew we had little time together. She used the best defense anyone could against sadness: laughter. While we were having lunch at Abby and Jack’s, she made sure the fun continued by telling silly jokes. I walked her to her car when it was time for her to set off for Dublin.
“Shall we avoid having a year go by with no contact with each other?”
“I’d really love to come to see you in Paris, but with Abby, I’d be afraid of breaking my promise. So…”
“I’ll call you,” I replied. “Keep me posted about her health.”
“That I can do.”
Judith’s armor cracked; she raised her eyes to the heavens, failing to hide her tears. I took her in my arms.
“Everything will be all right; you’ll manage,” I whispered in her ear.
“You’re really a dumbass! You manage to make me cry… You know, it doesn’t matter at all who you spend your life with… you’re still my…”
“I know… and I feel exactly the same way…”
She pulled free, brushed the tears from her cheeks and gave me the thumbs up.
“Come on, Judith, that’s enough, you’re not a little girl!” she scolded herself. “When you have to leave, you have to leave!”
“Be careful driving.”
She gave me a military salute, got into her car, and drove off.
I spent the entire day with Abby. She asked me if I would do her nails and hair; she still wanted to look attractive and didn’t dare ask Judith out of modesty. She’d noticed that I was taking good care of myself again and decided I was the perfect one for the job. Our intimacy as women brought us even closer together. We were in Abby and Jack’s bedroom. Photos of Edward and Judith decorated the tops of the dressers. Seeing them in school uniforms made me smile.
“Are you happy you came to see us?” Abby asked while I was polishing her nails, both of us sitting on her bed.
“Of course I am! No need to worry.”
“And Edward?’
“They’re going to stop in to say goodbye after school, at least, that’s what he said yesterday…”
“And that’s it?”
“Umm, yes…”
We were interrupted by Jack calling me from downstairs. Declan and his father had just arrived, in fact. It was time to say our goodbyes. Abby went down with me, holding onto my arm; I could feel her perceptive eyes watching me. Once down the stairs, she let go of me to sit in her armchair, exchanging a glance with Jack that did not bode well.
“Hi,” was all I said to Declan and Edward.
I couldn’t look at his father so decided to make eye contact with his son, who came up to me to give me a kiss.
“Did you have a good day at school?”
“Yes!”
“Come here, my boy, I have something to show you,” Jack shouted.
Declan ran off. I had no choice but to turn toward Edward.
“Have a good trip back to Paris,” was all he said.
“Thanks.”
“It’s a shame the two of you didn’t see more of each other,” Abby said subtly.
“That’s very true!” Jack added. “Wouldn’t you young things like to go to the pub tonight? We can take care of Declan.”
We stared at each other.
“Would you like that?” Edward asked.
“Uh… yes, I would.”
“Daddy?”
We hadn’t noticed that Declan had come over to us again.
“Are you leaving, daddy?”
Edward’s shoulders drooped; he stroked his son’s hair and smiled at him.
“No… don’t worry, we’ll go home… Diane, I’m really sorry… We’ll do it another time…”
We both knew that wasn’t true.
“It’s normal; I understand.”
“Well, maybe… Would you like to come and have dinner with us at home?”
“Oh…”
I automatically turned to Abby and Jack, as if I needed their permission. They looked at me with all their usual sweet kindness.
“Don’t you worry about us.”
“You’ll come and eat at the house?” Declan insisted, “Say yes!”
I noticed the affectionate way Edward looked at his son. And that made me give in.
“OK, I’ll come.”
“See you soon,” said Edward. “Ready to go, Declan?”
They kissed Abby and Jack and set off. I stood very still in the middle of the living room for several minutes.
“Come here, my darling,” Abby called, which fortunately pulled me out of my trance.
I flopped down on the couch; she got up and came over to sit next to me, taking my hand in hers.
“What are you two trying to make me do? You’re real schemers!”
Jack burst out laughing.
“She’s the main culprit,” he said, pointing to his wife.
“You’re just as bad!” she immediately replied, smiling.
“What good will it do?”
“It will settle things,” said Abby.
“Perhaps, but this is our last night together.”
She patted my hand.
“Diane. Even if you’d spent the evening with us, you would have just thought about them all night, and you know that’s true, deep down. And we’ve had a lot of time with you… Don’t worry… And besides, when you’re with them, it’s almost as if you’re with us, and you’re good for them, as well…”
I leaned my head on her shoulder and enjoyed her maternal warmth.
“I’m going to m
iss you… so very, very much…” I whispered.
Jack, who was standing behind the couch, put his hand on my head in a very fatherly way.
“We’ll miss you too, my little French darling, but you’ll come back…”
“Yes…”
I leaned in more closely to Abby.
An hour later, I left them, promising to have a good evening without worrying about them. When I was almost at the cottage, I decided to take one last walk along the beach before joining Edward and his son. I wanted to feel the sea, this landscape, this wind rush through me one more time. Getting some fresh air would do me the world of good. I didn’t know what to think of the evening that lay ahead. There was something troubling about having dinner with Declan and Edward; I was intruding in their closeness, and I was afraid that seeing their day-to-day life together might blow up in my face. I had no choice but to admit that Abby, Judith, and Jack were right—even if they didn’t come out and say it: we needed to sort out our problems once and for all to truly move on. We had to end a relationship that had never had the chance to begin, and never would.
While I was going up to their cottage, I received a text from Olivier: “Enjoy your last night in Ireland. See you tomorrow. Lots of love.”
“Thanks… Can’t wait to see you. Love,” I replied, before knocking on the door.
Declan opened the door, all smiles, wearing his pajamas. He took my hand and led me into the living room; it was hard to make headway as Postman Pat was jumping all over me. The TV was on, the cartoon channel; Edward was behind the counter in the kitchen, making dinner. He glanced over at me; impossible to judge his state of mind.
“Did you say goodbye to the beach?”
“Yes…”
“Diane, are you coming?”
Declan kept pulling my arm.
“Yes, just give me two minutes.”
He shrugged his shoulders and jumped onto the couch with his dog. I sat down at the counter, opposite Edward.
“You didn’t have to invite me tonight.”
“Did you ever see me do anything I didn’t want to?” he retorted, without looking at me.
“Can I help with anything?”
Don't Worry, Life Is Easy Page 10
