Let There Be Life

by Melissa Storm

  “All of us—your mother, me, our baby, and her little girl, Janie—that was you. But when she went into labor, the entire plan fell apart. The doctors couldn’t save her, and your sister, she died an hour after being born. All this happened three weeks before your mother’s due date, so her husband was out of town on a business trip.

  “It gave me time alone with Elizabeth, and for that one hour she was in the world, I loved her with everything I had. I couldn’t stand the thought of no one remembering her, so I took out the obituary but I didn’t mention our names. I knew I needed to keep it secret because of what came next.”

  “What came next?” Liz asked, still taking it all in.

  “You already know. I took you. I’d promised your mother that we would all start a new life together, that you’d be safe from Bingham. But now it was only you and me left, and I couldn’t stand the thought of breaking that promise. Maybe I was crazy with grief, or maybe I knew it was only a matter of time before he hurt you, too. So I took you and ran as far away as I could get.”

  “To Alaska,” Dorian said.

  “Yes.” The word came out clipped, as if he had no strength left to say anymore. “Bingham hadn’t known of our affair, and he didn’t know me, so he wouldn’t know where to find us. I called in some favors, paid some shady characters, and was able to get you legally recognized as Elizabeth Benjamin. I had all the papers, and it was my name as the father on that birth certificate. I think the moment that baby died in my arms, some part of me knew what my plan was. That’s why I couldn’t put his name down, no matter what your mother had planned. That baby was mine. You were mine, too. You may not have been born to me, Liz, but I am your father. I love you.”

  With that, he began to cry in earnest once more.

  Liz didn’t have time to think. She ran to him and took him in her arms.

  However it had happened, this man was her father.

  And she believed him when he said he loved her.

  Liz hugged her father as she had done so many times before, but this time was different. It was the first hug where she knew the truth and he was no longer burdened with his dark secret.

  “Oh, Lizzy,” he said, still holding her tight. “I know what I did was wrong, but can you understand that I did it for the right reasons?”

  Before Liz could answer, before she could tell him that it would take time but they would be okay, Shane pulled himself up on his cane. The gasps and grunts of his struggle drew all eyes to him.

  “Shane? Friend?” her father said, his hand falling on Shane's arm as an offering to help him up.

  “She may forgive you, but I’m not sure I can,” he hissed, ripping his arm away and falling back into the chair.

  “But, Shane, it’s okay,” Liz insisted. “I’m okay.”

  Lauren rushed to Shane’s side, seeming to understand something the rest of them didn’t yet.

  “I know you’re fine, Liz, but this man, this Bingham… He had his child stolen from him. All these years he had to wonder. He never knew where you were or if you were safe. That’s a terrible thing for a father to bear.” Strong, rough Shane let out a sob. His entire face grew red with the emotional toll this conversation had taken on him, had taken on them all.

  “But he was a bad man,” Ben argued, hurt reflecting in his eyes. “He hurt her.”

  “No, he hurt her mother. And maybe he would have hurt Liz one day, but maybe not. It wasn’t your place to judge him. Only God can do that.”

  “No. You’re wrong.” Ben dropped his voice into a rattly growl. “I will never regret doing what I did. If he… If he had hurt Liz, that would have been because I had failed to act.”

  “You failed, Ben,” Shane said, standing again with Lauren’s help. “But not in the way you think. I had my own child hidden from me. The pain, the agony I endured every single day… it was a thousand times worse than getting my knees shattered by that snow machine.”

  Lauren shot Liz an apologetic look as she left the room to comfort her husband.

  Liz felt her heart drop to her stomach. Had she forgiven too easily? Was Shane right?

  Dorian spoke up. “Sometimes loving someone means risking it all. Your father did what he had to so he could keep his promise to your mother and keep you safe. Imagine what he’s risked all these years.”

  “But what Shane said…” Liz ached for her friend, to have his old wounds torn back apart when he’d only just begun to heal. At the same time, she wondered if she could ever heal now that her past was a festering sore on display for all to see.

  Dorian rose and put his hand on her shoulder, guided her back to the couch. “Sometimes there’s more than one logical truth,” he said. “There’s more than one way to understand things. Actually, that’s most of the time. And in cases like those, you need to rely on your heart.”

  Ben sat for the first time since he’d arrived at the cabin, choosing Lauren’s chair over Shane’s.

  “So is Liz older than she thought?” Dorian asked when they were all settled.

  Ben looked to Liz. He seemed calmer now that Shane had left the room and Dorian had assumed control of the conversation. “Yes. You’re thirty-one.”

  Liz took this in. She’d missed her thirtieth birthday—blown right past it actually. But being older than she’d thought was a small letdown in the grand scheme of all other differences that had come to life.

  “How did you keep it a secret?” Dorian wanted to know. Liz did, too.

  Her father shrugged as if it were no big deal that he’d spent the last twenty-eight years guarding such big secrets. Even though Dorian asked the questions, Ben continued to address his answers to Liz. “We were new to town. You’d always been a small child. I started you in Kindergarten early to help even things out. You were four according to your birth certificate, but you’d actually just turned seven.”

  “And nobody realized she was ahead socially or academically?”

  Ben never once took his eyes from Liz. “You were a sweet child, a calm, mature child, so no one ever questioned it. No.”

  “But she was three when you took her. Surely she already had memories in place. Surely she asked questions.” Dorian raised both hands to his mouth as he waited for the answer.

  “Yes, she asked lots of questions at first, but eventually they stopped. I knew I had to keep her away from anything that could trigger her memories and make the questions start again.” He’d started to talk about Liz in third person for the first time during that conversation, and she wondered if it was because he felt guiltiest about this particular part of the lie.

  Dorian began to ask another question, but Liz stopped him by placing a hand on his knee. “Horses,” she whispered, recalling the brown and white face that had flashed in her memory many times these past couple weeks.

  Ben’s voice faltered. “So you do remember?”

  Liz shook her head. “Not until Dorian started asking questions, and then I saw a photo with Mr. Hooves.”

  “Your favorite toy. You cried for it every night for weeks. I felt so guilty. You loved horses just like your mother.”

  Her mother. She’d never know this about her. How much had been hidden about her life as well?

  “My… my mom was a rider?” Liz asked.

  “Oh, yes. She worked at the stables, competed in equestrian trials, and you were her spitting image. You could ride before you could walk, you know—at least that’s what she said. I hadn’t met you yet, not back then.”

  A sense of loss wrapped itself around her and refused to let go. She couldn’t get the picture of that horse out of her mind, couldn’t stop wondering if it had been special to her and her mother. If she dug deeper, would she find her own memories of her time with her mom? She hoped so. It would be like a gift getting those years back, having time with her mother that she’d never known about before.

  “We never rode…” she said sadly. “I wanted to go to the pony ranch with my friends, and you always said no.”

  “I c
ouldn’t risk it. That was the hardest part of it all—knowing I was keeping you away from something you loved so dearly, something you were born to do. But that’s also why I got us involved in the sledding community. I knew you loved animals and thought maybe the dogs could make up for it.”

  “But I never liked sledding,” Liz said, feeling the air rush from her lungs in an unintentional sigh.

  “No, but when you were little, you rode our first Akita like a pony. Do you remember Goliath?” Her father chuckled, but she couldn’t even bring herself to smile. All her best memories were based on lies, and all the things she’d loved so dearly during her early life had been intentionally omitted by a man who said he loved her more than anything.

  She felt the tears spring up once more, but fought to keep them sealed behind her eyes. “I’m sorry. This is a lot to take in at once.”

  “It’s okay if you’re overwhelmed. I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I never knew how, and I never wanted you to doubt that you are the most important person in my world.” Ben continued to sit, but she could sense how badly he wanted to rush to her, to comfort her. What had always come so naturally for the two of them now felt like a line that couldn’t be crossed unless done so carefully and with permission.

  She needed to give him that permission. His choices had hurt her in some ways and helped her in others. He was a flawed man, but he had always done the best that he could for her.

  She quirked an eyebrow and tried her best to grin. “A million times around?”

  “Even more than that. Always. You were always meant to be my little girl, Lizzy. And I was always meant to be your dad.”

  Dorian shook his head his voice a refrain of terror. “But Warwick… Bingham… he’s not going to give up until he gets revenge.”

  “If he does, I’ll know I deserved it. What I did hurt him deeply. There’s no denying that. But he had hurt your mother so much for years. I know an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind, but sometimes being blind is better than staring down an ugly truth.”

  Liz reflected on these words. So many people had been hurt, lost. Maybe she could still make things right.

  Somehow.

  Some way.

  Maybe she could be both Elizabeth Benjamin and Jane Bingham.

  Instead of being no one, maybe she could be two whole people, so that no one had to be alone any longer.

  Liz padded down the hall toward Shane and Lauren’s bedroom, leaving Ben and Dorian alone in the living room. She knocked softly before pushing the door open.

  Shane and Lauren sat cuddled together on the bed, his head resting on her shoulder. They both looked up when she entered, and Liz knew immediately that big, tough Shane had been crying.

  “I’m so sorry, Shane,” she whispered after shutting the door tightly behind her.

  “I am, too,” he said with a scratchy voice, worn with anguish. “I just can’t condone what he did.”

  Liz nodded. She knew Shane’s reaction had nothing to do with her, but it still hurt.

  Seeming to sense this, Lauren said, “But we’re happy to have you in our lives, Liz. Or would you rather we call you Janie now?”

  She hadn’t had time to think since discovering her name belonged to someone else. Though the real Liz had only lived for an hour, it still felt disrespectful to continue using the name now she knew it wasn’t hers. “I don’t know yet,” she said. “I don’t know which is really me.”

  “Go find the answers,” Shane said, surprising them.

  Both she and Lauren pivoted their gazes toward Shane. Lauren wore a quizzical expression, but Liz understood.

  “I will,” she promised. “That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. Will you watch the dogs for the rest of the week? I need some time by myself to figure out what I’m feeling and who I am.”

  “Of course,” Lauren answered. “But please be careful. I know it feels like you’ve lost yourself, but there are so many people who love you. Us included.”

  “Yes, both of us,” Shane agreed with a sad smile. “Just because I don’t agree with what Ben did doesn’t mean I wish things were different.”

  Liz hugged them both, then returned to the living room and said her goodbyes to the men and dogs there.

  “I’m leaving,” she announced. “I need some time by myself to take this all in.” Her throat clenched on the words she wouldn’t say. She needed time to herself, but mostly she needed to find Warwick—Bingham—in order to complete the puzzle.

  Her father rose to a standing position and waited awkwardly without reaching in for a hug. “I understand, Lizzy. I won’t bother you while you’re sorting everything out, but please call me the moment you need anything or if you want to talk more. I am here for you in whatever way you need it. Always have been. Always will be.” He smiled weakly, and she could tell this particular goodbye hurt him deeply.

  “No matter what I decide, I will still love you. One bad deed doesn’t erase the past twenty-eight years. It doesn’t erase what we have.” She gave him a quick hug, then turned to Dorian. “Thank you for being there for me today. It would have been much harder without you.”

  Dorian nodded and simply said, “Bye, Liz.”

  She grabbed her luggage from the guest room and wheeled it back out to her car. Why did these goodbyes feel so final? Would she really be another person when she saw them again? Would a different Liz be there for the next hello? Or would there be no more hellos? She didn’t know, couldn’t think about that now.

  It was time for her journey back to the city, back into her past. With a quick glance behind her, she put her vehicle in reverse.

  The passenger door opened unexpectedly, letting in a rush of cool air. She pressed her foot down onto the brake and whipped around to see Dorian sitting beside her. “What are you doing?” she demanded with a tired sigh.

  Dorian wagged a finger at her, reminding her of the cocky young man she had first met at the wedding reception. “The question is what are you doing? And you don’t need to answer, because I already know. You’re going to find him.”

  “Who?” She rolled her eyes at him, returning to the version of herself she’d worn on that night, too.

  “Don’t play innocent with me. You know exactly who.”

  She sighed again. It seemed Dorian was always one step ahead of her, whether or not she liked it. “You can’t stop me.”

  “I hadn’t planned on trying.” His smile made her sick. Why couldn’t he go back to the sweet, supportive Dorian she’d just left in the cabin? Did he have more than one person living inside him, too?

  She placed the car back into park and took her foot off the brake so that she could shift her body toward his. “Then what are you doing here, Dorian?”

  He shook his head as if the answer should have been apparent. “You already know going after this guy could be dangerous, so I won’t tell you not to. I understand why you feel like you have to find him to find yourself.”

  “Okay, great. Now will you please just let me go?”

  He reached for her hands and pulled her closer to him. His eyes trapped her in an intense gaze. “You’ll find him faster if you let me come with you.”

  “Are you offering your help?”

  He winked and let go of both of her hands. “And my protection. I thought that was obvious.”

  “And if I refuse?” Would this quest be easier with a partner? And would he even take no for an answer if she tried to give it?

  “You won’t,” he said smugly. “You need me just as much as I’ve come to need you.”

  “That’s a pretty bold statement.” She leaned back in her seat and glanced toward the ceiling before shifting back to Dorian.

  “Let’s put it in italics, too. Underline it, even.” Dorian smiled as he waited for her to catch his joke, then they both burst out laughing.

  “Fine,” she answered once they had sobered. “But we drive separately.”

  “Naturally.” He grabbed her hand again and pressed a
kiss onto the palm, then closed her fingers over it. “For safekeeping. And in case you miss me during the long, lonely drive.”

  Liz shooed him off, but felt all her blood flow to the place where his lips had grazed her skin.

  It doesn’t mean anything, she told herself. It’s not a good time.

  As she watched Dorian depart, Liz couldn’t help but reflect on just how true his words had been. She did need him. Her one constant in this crazily spinning world had been his support for her journey—even before she knew she’d had it.

  Perhaps his silly little kiss could be her good luck charm for whatever came next.

  Even though he probably already knew where she lived as part of his earlier investigation, Dorian agreed to follow Liz back to her apartment. He said he’d make some calls to try to locate Bingham during the drive and then catch her up once they reconnected in Anchorage.

  Liz decided to help pass the time by doing some calling around of her own. First she reached out to Scarlett, who hadn’t heard any of the updates since the discovery of the obituary.

  “What? No way!” her friend cried when Liz caught her up on the conversation with Ben. “How are you feeling?”

  “At first I felt everything. Now I’m a bit numb, to be honest. I just want to find the truth.” Liz focused on the yellow divider lines as she drove, a dotted path leading her home.

  “Didn’t you already find it, though? Isn’t that what the whole conversation with Ben was?” Scarlett grew confused. Shane had gotten angry. Lauren pitied her. Only Dorian seemed to understand what she felt now.

  Liz shrugged, even though Scarlett was nowhere around to see the gesture. “Yeah, but I guess I still need to figure out where I fit into all of this, discover the real me.”