Yeah, he was feeling the emotion. He didn’t need a dictionary to spell it out for him. Nor did he intend to do so for Amanda. For one thing, he needed time to adjust to the heady emotions and what went along with them. Not to mention the absolute stark fear that he could wake up one day and she’d be gone. After all, he’d experienced it for himself once before.
THIRTEEN
One month passed, during which Amanda felt like she was living a dream. One she’d never allowed herself to have. During the week, she performed a job she loved, scheduling conferences for Brad, handling his daily affairs, and joking with her best friend. And on the weekends, she saw Decklan. Either he flew to D.C. or she traveled to New York. They fell into a routine, one she was beginning to believe could last—if she could delicately extricate herself from Brad’s life.
She didn’t know how he’d feel about them breaking up and him having to dodge his father’s requests that he bring a date to the many functions that routinely came up for the senator and his family. And if the man ran for president, as was widely rumored—not that he’d made a decision but Brad said he was close—then those events would be even more important and prominent.
But she couldn’t help but feel it was time, and she didn’t doubt he’d understand. She’d give him whatever leeway he needed to break the news to his father. But she needed to tell Decklan everything. There was no question she trusted him not to make the news public. And he deserved the truth.
Midweek, the telephone in the office rang, startling her out of her thoughts. “Hello, Ritter’s World,” she said, smiling, always amused by the company name. Bradley had refused to succumb to the mundane or anything corporate-sounding, like Ritter Software or Ritter, Inc.
“Amanda? It’s Stephan Ritter.”
She sat up straighter in her seat. “Senator!” She wished she’d checked caller ID before answering. “How are you?”
“How many times do I have to tell you, call me Stephan? How would it look for my future daughter-in-law to be so formal with me?” he asked.
Her hand started to shake, and her stomach accompanied it with a silent roll. “Stephan, you know you’re getting ahead of yourself.”
“It’s just a matter of time,” he said with certainty. “If my son can get his head out of his computer long enough to think straight, I’m certain it will be sooner rather than later. How are you?” he asked.
“Fine,” she managed to say without choking on the word. She’d never had a problem talking to Brad’s father before, but she’d never had regrets about her situation either.
“I’m just calling to ask you and Bradley to be at my fund-raiser in New York on Sunday.”
She glanced at the big desk calendar she kept up to date in case Brad wanted a quick glance. “Is this something new? Because I don’t see it on the schedule.”
He chuckled at that. “Yes, I have news, and I want my family there for the announcement.”
“Umm …”
He laughed. “Let my son make use of that fancy private plane of his,” Stephan said.
She and Decklan hadn’t decided who would be making the trip where yet, but it looked like she’d be heading to Manhattan. “Sure. I’ll let Brad know,” she assured the senator.
“That’s great. The family angle is an important one to the party. So wear your Sunday finest. It’s at The Plaza.”
She winced at the mention of his political allies.
“Okay, have to go make more calls. I’ll see you this weekend.” He hung up before she could reply.
She leaned back in her chair and groaned.
“Anything wrong?” Brad walked out of his office, wearing a Suicide Bunny tee shirt and a pair of faded jeans. Not an outfit his father’s political cronies would approve of.
“No, but you’re going to have to free up your Sunday.” She pushed her chair back and rose to her feet. “I just spoke to your father. He wants us to be at an important fund-raiser at The Plaza.”
“Oh shit. Seriously? I promised Keith we’d go to a show on Sunday.” Brad stalked to the window and looked out over the city. “Can we get out of this one?”
“It didn’t sound like it. He pushed the family angle and mentioned how important it was to the party.”
Well, maybe she could see Decklan before, talk to him and explain things before she made her appearance with Brad. But first she’d have to tell Brad what she was thinking.
She rubbed her temples, feeling a headache forming.
“Amanda?” Brad snapped his finger near her ear, and she jumped. “I asked if you were okay.”
She’d been so lost in thought she hadn’t heard or seen him come up beside her. “Yes, but—”
Before she could continue, her phone beeped, announcing a text message, and she picked it up from her desk. Decklan’s name showed above the message.
Shift change this weekend. Working. Not free till Sunday.
Her stomach twisted with disappointment. Though she’d just seen him this past weekend, every pore in her body missed him. Craved him.
Her phone beeped again.
I’ll try to get off Monday so we have two days. Can you swing it?
When she didn’t answer right away, her phone went off once more. I’ll show you a good time.
“That was Decklan, wasn’t it?” Brad asked.
She met his gaze and nodded.
“You’ve seen him every weekend this past month. It’s become serious.”
Again, she nodded. “Brad, I have to tell him about our situation. I don’t want to keep any more secrets. I hope or at least I think he’ll understand.”
She swallowed over the lump of fear in her throat. The fear that he’d reject her. It was so ingrained to think the people in her life would find her lacking or turn on her in some way.
Speaking of, she glanced at her best friend, whose brows were furrowed in thought. “Brad? Say something.” She didn’t want to lose her best friend either.
“I get it. Of course I do.” He glanced toward the window, his expression sad. “Keith hasn’t been happy with me or our situation.”
“I’m sorry.”
He shrugged. “Things were so simple at the beginning. And we were so happy. We met at a political rally, remember? I went undercover because it was a liberal, pro-gay marriage gathering and the senator’s son couldn’t be caught there.”
She laughed. “I remember the baseball cap and the dark glasses. And that awful beard. Not your best look.” She shook her head, unable to stop grinning at the memory.
“Yeah, well, Keith thought it was pretty funny too. One look at the guy, one conversation, and I knew what he made me feel … was different.”
She blew out a breath. “I get that. What Decklan and I have is different too. Intense. Important.” He looked at her like no one else existed or mattered. “But I won’t sacrifice you. Not even for a guarantee of happily ever after.” Not that Decklan was offering that. Not that she knew what he wanted. She never allowed him to say. She’d been too afraid. “I just need to put all my cards on the table. We can figure it all out afterwards.”
Brad placed a hand over hers. “I’m proud of you. And I need to think about doing the same thing. I know that in here.” He pointed to his heart. “I’m just so afraid of screwing up all my father worked for.”
“I understand. I don’t want to be the one to do that either. But I do trust Decklan with our truth.” Even if he didn’t like what he learned, he wouldn’t reveal it to anyone.
Brad pulled her into a hug. “And I trust you. You’re right. We’ll figure it out.”
She squeezed him tight before stepping back. “You’ve always been there for me, the wall between me and any relationship.”
Because after that humiliating mess with losing her virginity, she’d gone off to college. Met Brad. And let him be her buffer.
“If I liked someone, I wouldn’t invest myself, and I’d say it was because you needed me and I would never do anything to hurt you. And I wouldn
’t. But Decklan pushed through my walls, and I realize now … I used you as an excuse not to put myself out there.”
He inclined his head. “And sex in a BDSM club did the same thing. I’m almost sorry I suggested that to you. It kept you from reaching for more.”
She shook her head, knowing for sure that the club had done wonders for her self-esteem. “That freed me. I needed the protection the rules provided me.” And she loved the ability to get out of her own head for a while.
But Decklan was real. He was a man who’d cracked her shell and brought her to life and gave her the rules and protection when she needed it.
Another beep from her cell. She glanced down.
Make it work. I want us—just you. Me. Lots of touching involved.
Oh my God.
Decklan was offering her all of him. Her stomach curled with a whole host of emotions. Warmth, desire, gratitude, and … fear. Because she was about to give him the same thing. Her ultimate trust.
“Hey. Are you okay?” Brad asked.
She managed a nod, pushing back the old insecurities that rose up. Because though he was giving her what she wanted, at the heart of everything was the ingrained belief that if her own mother found her lacking, how long before any man she let into her life would do the same?
But Decklan had stood up to her mother for her. And he didn’t view her as the Amanda her mother saw. No one had given her such a gift before.
She glanced at Brad. “I’m good.”
He smiled but it didn’t reach his eyes. “Well, if you can find the guts to invest in a real, honest relationship, maybe I can find the cajones to come out of the closet.”
She shook her head and groaned. “Boy, are we a pair.”
“Always have been,” he agreed. “And we always will be. If nothing else in this life, you and me? We’re solid.” He placed a kiss on her cheek.
“You’re the best.” She stepped back and looked at the message on her phone.
Gathering her courage, she replied. I can be at your place Sunday around five.
His reply came immediately.
I’ll be waiting.
Once Brad left the room, she sat down at her desk and realized she was shaking. Instead of letting the panic engulf her as she always did, she forced herself to think more clearly. She understood exactly where her fear came from. If she kept up this main barrier to a relationship, she remained safe. But Amanda no longer wanted to live her life making Brad’s easier so she didn’t feel things. No. She wanted more of the bright colors of life that Decklan provided.
And she didn’t have to look far for an example of someone who’d conquered her past. Decklan’s sister-in-law, Isabelle, had a man who adored her, a baby on the way, a career in interior design, with a boss who would be giving her leeway on working from home post-baby. A wonderful life, Amanda thought.
But even if she allowed Decklan in all the way, there were no guarantees she’d find what Isabelle and Gabe had. Or that she wouldn’t be hurt or rejected in the end.
FOURTEEN
Decklan kicked back in his brother and Isabelle’s living room, enjoying a lazy Sunday morning. Gabe and Iz still lived in his deluxe apartment on the Upper East Side of Manhattan, but they were talking about moving to the suburbs. Decklan tried not to laugh at the thought of his brother so domesticated, because really, it suited him. At least it suited the man he was now, not the one he’d been before Isabelle.
As for Decklan, if he couldn’t be with Amanda, hanging out with his family was the next best thing. Especially since Lucy had come in from L.A. for the weekend. She was staying with him, but she’d promised to make herself scarce later tonight when Amanda came by. Although she did insist on meeting his new girlfriend before disappearing. Sisters.
“What are you smirking about?” Lucy asked.
She sat cross-legged on the floor in front of a huge-screen television. Her dark hair was pulled into a messy ponytail, and she wore gray sweats. So did he. They were lounging around. There was a repeat of some television show he didn’t normally watch on the screen, and he wasn’t paying too much attention to the TV.
“Just thinking about you, brat.”
“Ha ha.” She stuck out her tongue like when they were kids.
“Very mature. Nobody would believe you decorate the hottest nightclubs in the country.”
She threw a piece of popcorn at him.
“Would you two behave?” Gabe muttered under his breath.
“You know you missed me, big brother.”
He grunted in reply and Isabelle laughed. “I can’t believe how much I missed out on, growing up an only child.”
“Well, you’ve got siblings now,” Decklan assured her. In a short time, because she made his brother so happy, he’d come to think of Isabelle as his sister.
“Aww. Thanks.” Isabelle blew him a kiss and Gabe scowled.
All in all, a typical family gathering.
Soon Lucy and Gabe began talking about their newest project, and Isabelle was flipping through baby books. Decklan grabbed the opportunity to change the channel. He started scanning slowly, pausing on a local station that was discussing a political fund-raiser taking place in the city.
A female reporter stood outside The Plaza Hotel in Manhattan. “And Senator Stephan Ritter is about to make an announcement.”
The senator was well known because over the last few months, the news media was gearing up for the presidential race with constant mentions of possible candidates. Decklan knew of the man and his ultraconservative views but didn’t follow the news on the next president too closely yet. He would when the candidates were narrowed.
“Think the guy will run for president?” Gabe asked.
Decklan glanced at the screen. “That’s what the pundits are saying.
“Oh, look. Here he comes,” Lucy said.
The senator stepped up to a podium. He rambled a bit, and Decklan’s eyes glazed over at the words. But he kept an eye on the screen, watching as the camera panned the audience for their reaction to his statement before returning and remaining focused on the silver-haired man.
“And with the blessing of my family, my wonderful, wife, Stephanie—” The camera captured his wife by his side. “My son, Bradley, and my soon-to-be daughter-in-law, Amanda Collins, along with my campaign manager, Mitchell Dawson, who has been with me from the beginning, as well as my loyal supporters, I hereby announce my intention to run for president of the United States.”
The rest of his statement was drowned out with applause. But the camera continued to land on the people behind the senator, holding for a brief moment on a guy about Decklan’s age in a suit and tie standing hand in hand with a woman Decklan would swear was his Amanda, dressed in a conservative yellow skirt and matching jacket, before moving on to the senator’s staff.
“That looked like Amanda!” Isabelle said on a squeal, confirming what the churning in Decklan’s gut already told him.
“Your Amanda?” Lucy asked.
“Shit,” Decklan muttered, trying to come to terms with what he’d seen. He ran a hand through his hair, wondering if he was suddenly in the middle of a nightmare, not reality.
“Decklan? Don’t jump to conclusions,” Izzy said.
Gabe rose to his feet. “Well, what conclusion is there to draw other than the obvious? That she’s got another life on the side? It’s not like our family doesn’t know about that.”
Gabe referenced their father’s brother, Uncle Robert, in Florida, and the fact that the man had had a wife and four children, along with a mistress with another four kids on the side. And nobody had known a thing. Not until one of his illegitimate daughters had needed bone marrow and Robert had wanted his legitimate kids tested.
Decklan’s stomach cramped. He needed information. “Where’s your laptop?” he asked his brother. It was one thing not to dig up information on Amanda when they were just starting out. Now he needed more.
“I’m going to kill her,” Lucy muttered, pac
ing the family room. “Nobody hurts my brothers without answering to me.”
“Take the pit bull routine down a notch, killer,” Decklan said, but he was grateful for her support.
Unlike Isabelle, who surprisingly wanted him to reserve judgment, Lucy and Gabe had jumped to the worst possible conclusion, while Decklan just felt raw. He knew what he’d seen on television, and a senator who wanted to be president wouldn’t stick his neck out with anything less than facts.
Decklan was leaning toward siding with Gabe and Lucy, but he couldn’t shake the fact that he’d been with Amanda. He’d learned about her, insecurities and all. And he’d been inside her body. He knew her.
Didn’t he?
He was no longer certain.
Gabe had already returned from his office with his computer in hand. He opened it up, typed in his password, and handed the laptop over to Decklan. After settling into a chair, Decklan performed a quick search and turned up fascinating information on Bradley.
“It seems the almost-fiancé is—”
“You assume he’s her almost-fiancé,” Isabelle said, interrupting him.
Decklan turned to her. “Iz, before Gabe, your live-in boyfriend cheated on you, so forgive me if I can’t trust your instinct.”
“Hey, watch it,” Gabe growled at him.
“It’s fine. I understand what you’re saying, but I have Gabe now,” she said with the confidence of a woman who trusted her man. “I’ve seen the difference between someone who tells the truth and someone who doesn’t.”
Within seconds, Gabe had returned to her side and settled her on his lap. Not in the mood to watch the lovebirds, Decklan turned away and went back to the articles in front of him on the screen.
Lucy walked over and wrapped her arms around him. “I love you,” she whispered.
“Love you too, brat.”
“Talk to Amanda before you make any decisions,” Isabelle pleaded. “I don’t know her well, but I liked her. A lot.”
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