As usual I intended to see her after my work at the wine bar was over. I climbed up the stairs to our apartment. Even outside the entrance door I could smell the cigarette smoke.
“It’s good you came home, young lady,” my mother said when I entered the flat. She was leaning against the kitchen doorframe with her inevitable cigarette in hand.
“Why shouldn’t I come home?”
“Maybe because you wanted to move in with your lesbian girlfriend?”
My mouth dropped open and my stomach clenched but from somewhere inside I found the strength to regain my composure quickly.
“What would you say if I were gay, mother?”
“Are you really gay? Or did she make you a lesbian? Did she touch you?” My mother’s voice rose and my brother came out of his room to watch the scene.
I briefly considered my options. I could deny it, but it would only delay the inevitable. Alternatively, I could get it over with.
“Mom, I’m gay, I like girls, and yes, Sherinia is my girlfriend.”
For a moment there was absolute silence. From the corner of my eyes I saw that my brother stood frozen to the spot, his right hand covering his mouth. My mother’s face became red within seconds.
“So is it really true? I saw it with my own eyes, but didn’t want to believe it. My own daughter is a goddamned muff-diver, a pussy-eater. Is that what I have born and brought up?” She shouted at the top of her voice. “I wanted you to marry a handsome man and have kids. I wanted to become a grandma soon. And now this.”
I had feared this moment for months, but strangely enough the more she shouted the more quiet I became.
“Why do you insult me like this, mother? I’m not a whore; I am not the one who changes her partner every other week. I don’t smoke or do drugs. I have only found out that I like girls more than boys. That’s no reason to insult me like this.”
My coolness enraged her even more.
“Don’t you talk to me like this, missy. I will not tolerate your perverted games under my roof. Don’t you dare to ever bring your lesbian sluts home.”
“My girlfriend is no slut. Unlike you she’s well educated. And I would never suffer her to come to this smoke box.”
I watched how my mother’s face turned from red to pale.
“What do you call me? Uneducated? And you call my apartment a smoke box? You outrageous girl! If you don’t like it here you can pack your things and leave. I’ll give you 24 hours to go. After that I’ll kick your lesbian ass out of the door. You’re no longer my daughter!”
She turned around and slammed the kitchen door shut behind her. My brother stared at me with an open mouth.
“Wow, that was gross,” he said. “She just kicked you out.” He took a hesitant step towards me.
“Is it really true, Jenny, that you are dating the cute girl with the SUV?” His voice was low and his gaze focused on the floor.
“Yep. Sherinia is my girlfriend. Now what about you? Are you also going to forsake me?” I demanded.
Chris slowly raised his head and looked into my eyes. A small smile appeared on his lips.
“We have something in common, sis, we both like girls.”
Slowly at first, but then more and more, we began to laugh and hugged each other, until our mother opened the kitchen door.
“What is so funny here?” She demanded. “You –“ she pointed at me, “had better pack up your belongings. And you –“ she pointed at my brother, “go to your room and out of my eyes.”
“Yes, mom,” we said in unison and started to laugh again.
All laughter was gone when I was alone in my bedroom. I looked around me at the things that belonged to me, my books, my CDs, my bass guitar, my stereo, my laptop, my closet. What could I do? I sat down on my bed, grabbed my cell phone, and called Sherinia. It took nearly 30 seconds until she answered the call.
“Hi sweetie, what’s up?” She sounded a bit distracted.
“I came out to my mother and she kicked me out of the house.”
“Wow, that’s gross, but now you are finally out. What are you going to do now? Hold the line for a moment.”
That was not the reaction I had expected. I heard a muffled female voice in the background. After a few moments Sherinia was back.
“You are not alone. Do you want me to call later?”
“It’s a fellow-musician from the students’ orchestra. We needed to discuss some things. So, what are you going to do now?” Her voice sounded matter-of-factly.
My stomach clenched and I felt a lump in my throat.
“I don’t know, Sherinia, I really don’t know.”
“Well, after your work you’ll be here anyway. And then we can decide the next step.”
“Okay, I guess I’ll see you later then.”
“Bye, sweetheart.”
I lay down on my bed, feeling lost. Had it all been in vain? But what had I expected? From her reaction it seemed clear that Sherinia didn’t want me to move in with her. I didn’t know if I wanted that either, but I needed a place to go. Suddenly an idea began to take shape in my mind. I got up from my bed, started my laptop, and requested a video chat with Emilia. It was Saturday afternoon maybe she was available. And right, a few moments later her beautiful face appeared on my screen and strangely enough I felt butterflies in my stomach as I saw her.
“Hey, Jenny, so good to see you. How are you?” Emilia said cheerfully, but the next moment her face fell. “What’s the matter with you Jenny?”
“Hi Emilia. I’m in trouble.”
“I’m so sorry to hear this. What’s going on?”
I told her that I had come out to my mother and that she in turn had kicked me out of the apartment. I didn’t mention Sherinia.
“Can’t you stay at your girlfriend’s place?” Emilia asked.
I shook my head. “No, I don’t think that’s possible.” Again I felt my stomach clench.
Suddenly Emilia’s face lit up. “You know what? You have the keys to my apartment. You could stay at my apartment until you find something for yourself. What do you think?”
A spark of hope began to ignite itself inside me.
“That would be awesome, Emilia. Thank you so much.”
A broad smile appeared on her face. “I’m glad if I can help you, Jenny. By the way, my plans have changed. I will be back a bit earlier than expected, namely right after my summer classes.”
“Why is this?” I asked.
“Because of organizational reasons and private matters. They have changed the program I am in a bit.”
“I see. And what private matters, if I may ask?”
“I’ll tell you about it soon, Jenny. Very soon I think.” She didn’t look into her laptop camera for a moment, but the smile on her face was gone for an instant. She looked up again. “You know my apartment already. If you needed to know anything else, call me or ask my neighbor.”
“Thank you so much, Emilia. You’re awesome.”
Emilia’s face lit up again. “I know. But you’re awesome, too, Jenny.”
I felt much better after the chat with Emilia. At least I had a place to go for the next days or weeks.
+++
“Okay. Now let’s get this over with,” Sherinia said as she parked her SUV at the curb in front of the apartment house that used to be my home. I had spent the night at Sherinia’s apartment after having finished my work at ‘The Mirror’. Of course we had sex, but it felt different. Was it only my imagination or was Sherinia more detached than she used to be?
She agreed that my temporary stay at Emilia’s apartment was a good idea. I realized that I’d need a car in the future, but for the time-being Sherinia offered to help moving my belongings to Emilia’s. I had already packed most of my clothes into a suitcase and two duffle bags before I had left my room the day before. In the basement I had found a few old cardboard moving boxes, in which I packed most of my other belongings.
Sherinia and me climbed up the stairs to my former home. It was early Sunday
afternoon and I hoped my mother would not be at home. I turned the key and opened the entrance door. The only sounds I heard were the loud music coming from my brother’s bedroom. It seemed that I was lucky and my mother was not at home. We stood in the hallway and I turned around to face Sherinia. A deep frown was on her beautiful face and her lips were a tight line. She followed me to my bedroom. She didn’t say anything, but the look on her face told me enough. We began to load my belongings into her SUV. As we walked down the hallway on our next errand the door to my brother’s room opened. Chris looked first at me and then at Sherinia and began to blush.
“Hi Chris, this is Sherinia, the cute chick with the SUV,” I said laughing and watched as he blushed even more.
“Sherinia, please meet my brother Chris.” Sherinia smiled and shook hands with him.
“You are really moving out, aren’t you?” Chris said, now seriously.
“Well, you know she kicked me out.”
“Where are you staying?” He asked looking at Sherinia.
“I’m not going to tell you so she can’t get it out of you.” I said. “You can give me a ring anytime. I hope you know that.”
Twenty minutes later we had finished loading the SUV. Now only my furniture and some books were left in my room. A very strange feeling came over me. This was so different from how I had imagined my moving out from home. But on the other side I felt proud that I was on my own now.
Sherinia helped me to unload my belongings and storing them in Emilia’s apartment. It looked like a mess and I began to feel a bit desperate.
“C’mon darling, don’t be sad. Let me invite you to dinner and everything will be alright.”
CHAPTER TWENTY – ANOTHER CASE OF TRUST BETRAYED
When I woke up the next morning I at first didn’t know where I was. I squinted my eyes open and stretched my arms. I looked at the chaos around me and it dawned on me that I was laying in Emilia’s bed. Surprisingly, I had slept remarkably well and felt fresh and energetic.
Is this the beginning of my new life?
I was expected at my work at the coffee lounge in the afternoon, so I had time to unpack my belongings as far as possible. But before that I took a shower. With the warm water flowing over my body memories of Emilia and me under the shower came back. These memories were soft and pleasant and strangely enough they gave me very warm feelings in my stomach and other places. But my rational self told me that Emilia was straight, that she had moved on with Jason, and that Sherinia was my girlfriend now.
I started the chore of unpacking eagerly, even though I knew this would only be my temporary home. But first I needed some music. I connected my laptop with Emilia’s stereo and started my new life with Metallica’s Nothing Else Matters.
Emilia had not taken all of her clothes with her, so there were some empty spaces in her closet for my clothes. I left most of my books and CDs in the cardboard boxes, which I put into a corner in the small hallway at the entrance. I finished my task pretty quickly and thought about what to do next. I had an idea. I took my laptop and ordered a nice flower bouquet to be delivered at Emilia’s address in England to thank her for her kindness and support.
Next thing I did was to give my Dad a ring to inform him that his ex-wife had kicked me out of the apartment. We hadn’t spoken for a few weeks and I had never told him about my newly discovered preference for girls.
He was pleased that I called and asked me how I was.
“Dad, something important is going on in my life and I want you to be aware of it,” I began. I had not prepared for this call, but somehow I knew he would understand me.
“And what is that, Jenny?”
“Dad, I’m gay and mother kicked me out of her flat,” I blurted out.
There was silence for a moment and I heard him take a deep breath.
“Jenny, where are you now? Are you okay?”
“I’m staying at a friend’s apartment. I’m okay. I can stay here for a while until I find an apartment for me.”
“And how do you know, I mean, since when do you know you like girls?”
“It’s a recent thing, let’s say I’ve been agonizing about it for some months.”
“So you are sure that you are…a lesbian?”
“Yes, Dad, I’m sure.”
I heard him take another deep breath.
“Jenny, I have always loved you as my daughter and you will always be my baby girl, no matter what. So don’t worry about that.”
Hearing him calling me his baby girl made my eyes brim with tears.
“Thank you, Dad.”
“Now tell me what happened with your mother.”
I told him what had happened and he became very upset, but told me that there was nothing he could do, since he was not on speaking-terms with my mother. He also told me that I could come to Munich any time if I wanted. He would talk to Sabrina, his new wife, if I wanted to stay with them. Sabrina was a pretty brunette, very unlike my mother, and I liked her. I thanked my dad, but said that I’d stay where I was for the time being.
It was good to know that at least one parent was on my side.
+++
“Do you feel alright?” Sherinia cried into the microphone. “I said do you feel alright?” And the crowd cheered like crazy. As always it seemed that nobody could resist her charms. She looked gorgeous as usual when we were performing. She had on her new skimpy black satin shorts and a light-blue tank top. I was wearing light-blue cargo bermudas and a black tank top. It was a sunny and hot Saturday afternoon and we were on a stage downtown at the summer festival in our city. It was the gig we had been waiting for to present the band to a larger audience. And it seemed to work well.
The last two weeks since I had moved into Emilia’s apartment had passed quickly. I had been able to expand my job at the coffee lounge to a near full-time job. I needed every Euro to save some money for my own apartment and for an inexpensive car.
I hadn’t heard anything from my mother, only my brother Chris called a few times. I also had not spent as much time with Sherinia as before. I was pretty tired when I came home from my job and she claimed to be busy with rehearsals and final tests for the semester. Of course we still had sex when we spent the weekends together.
I video chatted with Emilia more frequently again. I couldn’t put my fingers on it what it exactly it was, but she seemed to have changed somehow. I realized I began to look forward to the chats with her. And more than once I felt butterflies in my stomach.
Never fall in love with a straight girl.
We were not used to open air gigs and so we had some sound problems in the beginning of our performance, but we soon got over them. At some point during the concert I noticed that Martin smiled at me. It was the first time since our disastrous fight that he showed a friendly reaction towards me. So I smiled back at him.
After our gig we packed our instruments and equipment into Marlon’s van, who drove back home with Sofie. Martin, Robin, Andrea, and I walked back to the stage to watch the next band play. I was looking for Sherinia, but I hadn’t since her since our gig. We fought our way back to the stage. It took us some time to push through the crowds. It seemed that the whole city was outside to enjoy the festivities.
The next band performing was a rock’n’roll band, very different from our music, but the place was boiling. Martin asked me if I wanted to go with him to get us a beer. I agreed and we fought our way through the crowd to a booth that sold cold beverages. And then I saw a familiar ponytail of brown hair and a light-blue tank top. She stood at one of the booths with her back to me. Martin looked at me with a frown. The next instant I saw what he seemed to have noticed before me. Sherinia had a beer bottle in her left hand and her right arm was around the waist of a girl with blonde chin-length hair. They stood very close to each other and in the next moment the blonde girl pressed her lips on Sherinia’s mouth. And instead of pushing her away Sherinia responded to the kiss and they began to make out. Right here in public, where everybody coul
d see them.
A flood of contradictory emotions rushed through me. At first there was a strong pang of jealousy and anger in my chest and my stomach clenched, but then? Was it disappointment? Hurt pride? Frustration? Sadness? Was it realization of the inevitable? I didn’t know what to feel anymore. Martin took my arm and looked at me.
“Are you okay, Blacky?” These were the first personal words he had spoken to me for weeks.
“No, I mean yes, I think I will survive,” I managed to say.
Martin took me in his arms and hugged me. “I’m sorry, Blacky. I know this is not the best moment, but I’ve missed you. Can we be friends again?”
“Yes, Martin, I’ve missed you, too, I want to be your friend again.” I kissed him on his cheeks.
He smiled. “What are you going to do about her?” He tilted his head in the direction of Sherinia.
I shrugged my shoulders. “I have no idea yet. Let’s get a beer first.”
We pushed through the crowd towards another booth and got us two beers.
“Did you know my mother kicked me out?” I asked Martin.
His eyebrows shot up. “No, I wasn’t aware of that. Why?”
I told him the story.
“I know I shouldn’t say so, but your mother is a bitch,” he remarked.
“I don’t mind you saying that.”
“Want to go back to Robin and Andrea? Maybe Marlon and Sofie are back in the meantime.”
“Okay, let’s go back and celebrate our successful gig,” I said.
We pushed back towards the stage where we met Robin and Marlon with their girlfriends. Sherinia was nowhere to be seen. She probably impressed her new girl with her fancy apartment. Who knows how many more there had been before me and during my time with her.
Late that night I returned to my temporary home. I was pretty tipsy, but not drunk. I had enjoyed the summer festival with my band mates and their girlfriends. We were eating, drinking, listening to live music, and dancing. Martin had accompanied me to the door of Emilia’s apartment.
I dropped on my bed and stared at the ceiling. What a day! I had regained Martin as my best friend, but I had lost my girlfriend. And I realized that my pride was hurt, but my heart wasn’t broken. I did not fall apart as I had expected. I wasn’t even as sad as I had been when Emilia had left.
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