by Marta Perry
“You’re a proud mamm, is all. You’re fortunate to have her, even if . . .” He let that trail off, since there was no gut way that he could see for that sentence to end.
“Even if I don’t have a husband?” She said the words quietly, but her lips had tensed. “Husband or not, I am fortunate to have her, and I wouldn’t trade that for anything.”
It didn’t come easy to him to talk about it, but he couldn’t leave it at that, or Anna would think he was passing judgment on her.
“I should have just said that you’re fortunate to have her, Anna. I don’t know that I’ll ever . . .”
He stopped, wanting to bite his tongue. That slip proved that he was better off as he was—deliberate in thought, slow to speak—because anything else got him in trouble.
“Don’t you want to have a family?” Anna, of course, was on it in a second.
“Ja, sure I do.” He turned to the horse, using that as an excuse not to meet her gaze. “I didn’t mean anything else.”
Anna was curious—he could feel it flowing from her. A few years ago, if she had been curious, she’d have fired questions until she got the answers she wanted. Now, it seemed, she’d gained a little control over her tongue.
He had to be grateful for that, because he wasn’t going to show his feelings, not to her or to anyone else. It was enough that he knew for himself what his limitations were. He’d never take on anything that he couldn’t be sure of carrying through. And marriage—how could he chance that? How could he know he wouldn’t turn out just like his father?
CHAPTER THREE
Anna’s stomach churned so badly that it would be a wonder if she could swallow a thing at the family picnic they were headed toward the next day. It didn’t help that Joseph had suggested she and the baby ride with Samuel, since the larger buggy Joseph envisioned for his growing family was yet to be built.
Samuel’s buggy rolled down the road at a steady rate, and thank goodness he didn’t seem inclined to chat. She alternated between feeling that the buggy was getting her there before she was ready and thinking how slow it was in comparison to a car.
At least the horse wouldn’t break down. She gave a fleeting thought to her own car, still safely hidden in the back of Joseph’s barn. He hadn’t mentioned it, and she wouldn’t.
As for Daadi, he hadn’t questioned how his erring daughter had gotten back to the fold. He’d just been happy to welcome her home.
Would the rest of them act as generously? She had no idea.
She glanced at Samuel, his big hands steady on the lines, and looked away as quickly. It seemed that as Joseph’s partner and Myra’s brother, Samuel was automatically included in family events. She’d feel a bit less stressed about this meeting if he weren’t there looking on.
Or maybe she wouldn’t. Maybe there was nothing that would lower her tension except getting this over with.
She cradled Gracie in her arms. The baby had been lulled to sleep by the movement of the buggy within minutes of starting the trip.
Samuel tilted his head to smile at Gracie. “Sarah always used to fall asleep like that in the buggy. I guess little ones like the rocking.”
“I just hope Gracie doesn’t wake up cross. She has a lot of relatives to meet. I want her to make a good impression.” She touched a small, relaxed hand with her fingertip.
“Cranky? Myra says she’s the best behaved boppli she’s seen, including her own.”
So he and Myra had been talking about Gracie, and, by extension, about her probably. Her cheeks warmed. She’d better get used to that. Her return would be the source of plenty of gossip in the valley, just as her leaving had been.
Then she’d just gone away, slamming the door on Pleasant Valley and its opinions. Now she had to find a way to bear the results of her actions.
“You should have been around when she was teething.” It took an effort to sound relaxed. “We were both up most of the night, and me struggling to stay awake at work the next day.”
“You had a hard time of it.” He said it matter-of-factly, but she thought she caught an undertone of pity in his deep voice.
She shrugged, the sense of his pity making her want to squirm. But she wouldn’t let him know that. “Not worse than a lot of other people, I guess.”
She’d made her choices. She would live with the consequences.
The buggy slowed as Samuel followed Joseph into the lane at the farm. Now memories crowded in upon her, whispering relentlessly in her ear. There was the apple tree and the little seat hanging from a low branch that Daadi had fixed for her. Levi and Barbara’s children probably used it these days.
Her gaze went to the window of her bedroom on the second floor of the neat white farmhouse. Who slept there now?
She’d been lucky, her brothers had always said, getting a room of her own. But Mamm had declared that with ten years between her and Leah, they shouldn’t have to share.
Her stomach tightened even more at the thought of her sister. What was Leah thinking about her return? Anna hadn’t been kind to her that last summer, yet Leah had been the only one who’d seemed to understand. Even when Anna lay in the hospital, to blame for the accident that had put her there, Leah had been by her side.
Anna cleared her throat. “How are they—What is everyone saying about my coming back, do you know?”
Samuel’s broad shoulders moved slightly, as if he started to shrug but thought better of it. “There hasn’t been much time for me to hear anything, now has there?”
“That sounds pretty evasive. You may as well tell me, whatever it is.”
“Your brother Mahlon’s eager to see you,” he offered, as if that might make up for something. “You know he and Esther Miller married, don’t you?”
“Ja.” Thanks to Myra, she did. That had happened after she’d lost touch with Leah.
Not lost touch. The voice of her conscience was stern. You broke off contact, because you didn’t want to tell her what was going on in your life. Be honest with yourself, at least.
“What about Levi?”
Her oldest brother had taken over the farm when it got to be too much for Daadi after Mamm’s first bout with cancer. Levi was close to Daad—would that make his attitude toward her better or worse?
Now Samuel did shrug. “I haven’t talked to him. No point crossing bridges before you get to them, is there?”
“This bridge is only a few feet away,” she said. “If you’ve heard he’s angry with me, I’d rather know.”
“I see you still want to have all the answers, Anna. Just like you did when you were little.” His lips curved slightly.
“Actually, I thought I had all the answers, as I recall.” She’d been so sure of herself once.
Samuel gave a small sound that might have been a chuckle. “Ja, I thought I knew a bit about life before I jumped the fence. It didn’t take long out there to show me how dumb that was.”
“I know the feeling.” She made the admission before she stopped to think that she didn’t want to confide in Samuel. Or anyone else, if she could help it. “But about Levi—”
“You’re as persistent as a horsefly, Anna. I don’t know, but surely Levi and Barbara wouldn’t be having everyone here to greet you if they were mad at you, ain’t so?” Samuel’s reasonable tone began to sound a bit strained.
“They would if Daadi wanted it.” They’d respect his judgment outwardly, even if they disagreed. “Let me guess. It’s Barbara, isn’t it? She never liked me.”
Samuel glanced at her face. “You didn’t give her a lot of reason to like you, now did you?”
“Maybe not.”
She’d been a rebellious teenager then. Barbara had been only too ready to give advice, and she’d been just as ready to resent it. Just as she resented the fact that Samuel seemed able to see right through her.
“Leave it,” Samuel said, his voice gentling. “We’re here. Everyone will get used to having you back. Things will be just like they were before.”
He pulled up to the hitching rail, and the buggy stopped.
Samuel was right. They were here, and it was time to stop worrying and face everyone.
But he was wrong, too. Because things would never go back to being the same. They couldn’t.
Samuel dropped to the ground before she could move. He took her arm in support as she stepped down, Gracie in her arms.
“It will be all right,” he said, his hand warm and strong against her sleeve. “You’ll see. They’re your family. You can trust them, if you can trust anyone in this world.”
Before she could respond to his unexpected support, she was swamped by a crowd of young nieces and nephews, all clamoring to see their new cousin. Head spinning, Anna tried to sort them all out. The children, at least, were glad to see them.
“Ach, what a noisy bunch of kinder.” Daadi waded through the flock of grandchildren. “The boppli is sleeping. Can you not see that?”
But even as he spoke, Gracie stirred, lashes fluttering, and opened her eyes. She looked around wonderingly. With her cheeks rosy from sleep and her blond hair curling damply against her neck, she looked like a baby doll.
“She’s near as pretty as my baby sister.”
It took a moment for Anna to count up ages and realize that this tall young girl was Elizabeth, Leah’s stepdaughter.
“Elizabeth, you’re nearly a grown-up woman now, aren’t you?”
Elizabeth’s naturally serious expression relaxed in a smile. “I was eleven my last birthday, Aunt Anna. Can I carry Gracie? I help my mammi with Rachel all the time.”
At a slight nod from Daad, Anna passed Gracie over. “She might be a little cross,” she warned. “She just woke up.”
But Gracie seemed entranced with her big cousin. She caught hold of the string of Elizabeth’s prayer cap, and the girl grinned. “That’s just what Rachel used to do when I held her. She’s two now, so she doesn’t like to be held so much, you know.”
“Come along,” Daad said. “No need to stand here when there’s folks waiting to greet you.”
Anna took a breath and hoped she didn’t look as nervous as she felt. “I guess not.”
They started toward the house, Elizabeth bearing the baby proudly. Her younger brother had Myra’s Sarah by the hand, chattering away to her, and Levi’s two boys were already racing each other to the porch, their little sister trotting after them.
The porch, and the waiting cluster of people. For a moment no one else moved. Anna’s eyes seemed to see them as an outsider would, as a group of solemn, archaically dressed strangers. Then one figure started toward them, running a few steps, and Leah threw her arms around her.
“Anna. You’re home at last.” Leah pressed her cheek against Anna’s, and Anna wasn’t sure whether the tears came from her or her sister.
“Ja, I am.” But even as she said the words, guilt pricked at her. Home? It was home, but not in the sense that Leah meant. Leah thought she was here to stay.
She’d given this life up three years ago. She belonged to the outside world now. This place was only a refuge, until she felt it was safe to leave.
Leah drew back, studying her face, her green eyes intent and serious. In spite of all the times they’d quarreled, Leah had been the one to understand her the most. She’d even understood why, after the accident, Anna had had to leave.
For an instant, panic edged through her. It was as if Leah looked right into her and saw all that she was trying to hide.
Anna turned away, hoping she’d done it quickly enough to mask her feelings, and returned her brother Mahlon’s warm hug. She stood back, gazing up at him. “You can’t still be growing, can you? You seem bigger to me.”
“That’s my Esther’s fine cooking,” he said, his ruddy face flushing with pleasure. He reached out and drew his bride to him. “You remember Esther, ja?”
“That I do.” She hesitated a moment, not sure how to greet the girl who’d married her brother a year ago last November in a wedding she’d missed.
But Esther seemed to have no qualms about following her husband’s lead. She pressed her cheek against Anna’s. “Wilkom, Anna. Wilkom home.”
Over her shoulder, Anna saw Leah picking Gracie up, holding her in a close embrace. Something that had been tense inside her seemed to ease. It was going to be all right, wasn’t it?
Barbara marched off the porch, managing not to look at Anna. She clapped her hands. “The food is ready. Komm, we must eat while it is hot.”
A moment of silence followed, and then came Daadi’s voice. “We will all greet Anna first. Then it will be time enough to eat.” He fixed Barbara with a firm stare.
A flush mottled Barbara’s round cheeks. “Ja, ja,” she said quickly. “I didn’t mean anything else.”
But she had. And maybe, despite the hugs and the welcomes, there were others who weren’t best pleased to see Anna again.
By the time supper was over, Samuel realized he’d started to relax. Funny, that he hadn’t recognized how tense he felt. Not for himself. For Anna.
They sat around the picnic table, all the adults. The children had gone off to play, the older ones watching the younger, except for Gracie, who sat on Anna’s lap, chewing contentedly on a wooden rattle Leah had given her.
So things were all right between Anna and her older sister? He wasn’t sure. On the surface, Leah had welcomed her warmly, but an outside observer like he was could see the awkwardness that still lay between them.
“More pie, Samuel?” Barbara held a slice of apple crumb pie out temptingly, but he shook his head.
“It’s wonderful gut, but I couldn’t find a place to put it. Give it to your husband, won’t you?”
“Ach, Levi will be having it for a bedtime snack, like as not.” She moved around the table, but getting no takers for the pie, she slid back into her seat next to Levi. And fixed her gaze on Anna.
As if aware of that stare, Anna moved slightly. She was feeling uncomfortable, that was certain-sure. He remembered that feeling from his own return, even though the circumstances had been different. It was a sense of being caught between two worlds and belonging to neither.
She’d get over it. Even now she was joining in the easy talk from time to time. With the baby to consider, she had every reason to sink back into the life she’d left with no second thoughts.
Unlike him. She’d come back, he supposed, because she wanted to raise her child here. He’d come back because he had to.
That was the difference between them. He’d never know, not for certain-sure, whether his commitment was solid. Or whether, like his father, he had it in him to let everyone down.
“So, Anna.” Barbara broke into a conversation about the right time for harvesting the pumpkins. “Why didn’t you marry the boppli’s father?”
Silence fell around the table, broken only by an indrawn breath or two. Barbara had the reputation of saying things other people didn’t dare, but this time she’d outdone herself.
Anna had paled. A ridiculous longing to protect her swept through Samuel. She wouldn’t want to answer a question like that here, in front of everyone. But wouldn’t it be better to get it out, once and for all?
Please, Lord . . .
“Barbara, I thought better of you than to ask that. Anna’s reasons are between her and God. The bishop will speak to her about it, not you.”
Elias’s voice was as severe as he’d ever heard it. Even Levi, who usually went along with his brash wife, seemed to shrink away from her.
It was true enough, what Elias said. But . . .
Trust them, Anna. Trust. I didn’t, and I’ve grieved ever since.
“I . . . I didn’t mean . . .” Barbara had turned brick red at the rebuke.
“It’s all right.” Anna seemed to straighten where she sat, as if preparing herself for a trial. Her hand caressed the boppli’s head. She shot Samuel a glance. “Samuel reminded me that I should trust you. And I do.”
She sucked in a breath. “There was never a que
stion of marrying the baby’s father. Gracie is mine—has been since her birth mother put her into my arms, but I didn’t bear her. Gracie’s mother was my dearest friend. I made a promise to her when she was dying that Gracie would be my daughter. She is, and she always will be.”
CHAPTER FOUR
Anna held her breath, looking at the faces around the table. She shouldn’t have blurted it out that way. What had happened to her resolve to let them believe Gracie had been born to her?
She couldn’t do it. When it came right down to it, she couldn’t lie to them. Ironic, after all the lying she’d managed to do during her rebellious rumspringa. That girl seemed pretty far away now.
Still no one spoke. They were waiting for Daadi, she knew. She couldn’t read anything from his expression, and her heart grew cold. The others—well, there she saw doubt and questions.
Her gaze collided with Samuel’s, and she looked away quickly. He shouldn’t be here for this. It was private, between her and her family.
Except that maybe they weren’t her family any longer. If they couldn’t accept that Gracie was her child, she’d have to leave.
The thought was there, in her mind, when her father finally spoke. “You must tell us more, Anna. Help us to understand.”
Convince you I’m telling the truth, you mean? The quick, defensive words were there in her mind. A few years ago they’d have spilled out of her mouth, but she wasn’t that headstrong teenager any longer. She needed their help, and she’d have to submit to whatever they asked.
Submission. The word left a bitter taste in her mouth. That was the core of Amish life she’d always found impossible to accept.
Times change, so the saying went. More likely, time had changed her. She could accept anything for Gracie’s sake. She wrapped her arms around her daughter, feeling Gracie’s head pressing against her heart.
“I was going to school in Chicago and working as a waitress to pay my way.” She chose her words carefully, needing to make them understand a world they’d never known. “Another of the girls working there needed a roommate, so I moved in with her.”
