Conversation flowed smoothly and lively but as the night went on he had an increasingly hard time participating or eating. His sister kept giving him the look and he could barely swallow the food.
“Are you okay?” Gwen asked quietly before the dessert course.
He turned to her, seeing the genuine concern in her brown eyes and then out at the people in the room, that sick feeling in his gut ready to consume him. He glanced over at his sister who was watching him. He knew what she was silently telling him to do. He’d wanted to do this in private, with Gwen first, but maybe this was the right way. They all needed to know. They were calling him a hero, they all thought he was some great guy.
“I was thinking maybe next weekend we could plan something special,” Gwen said under her breath. The look in her eyes expressed everything that he’d been trying to avoid. They were getting too close. He couldn’t sleep with her again, not without her knowing his real identity.
“Gwen,” he said, finding it difficult to speak. “Can we talk?” he asked in a low voice.
Her eyes widened and he knew she was incorrectly assuming that he was dumping her. “Oh my god,” she whispered.
“It’s not what you think, but I need to talk to you. I haven’t been completely honest with you.”
It was at that moment that he noticed how eerily quiet the room had gotten. Heat climbed his neck as he saw the entire table staring at him.
“You can go ahead and say whatever it is you need to say now,” Jack said, his voice holding an unmistakeable edge to it. Lily punched him.
“You can go into the kitchen and have privacy,” her mother said, worry causing a frown between her brows. He glanced at his sister who was giving him the look.
He looked at Jack. He didn’t want to do this in front of everyone. He wanted to speak to Gwen privately but he owed all of them the truth. “I’d rather speak to Gwen first.”
Gwen took his hand and his gut churned at the sweetness of the gesture. She had no idea what he was going to say, but she was already taking his side.
“Jack, stop acting like a playground bully,” she said, rolling her eyes at her brother. She turned to him. “There’s no point in going into the kitchen, Luke, they’re all just going to eavesdrop at the door.”
He bit down hard on his teeth. This was torture. Her faith in him was torture. “I want to talk to you later. Tonight,” he whispered.
Her smile faltered slightly.
“Out with it, because now you’re making me think some bad thoughts about who you are or what you need to tell my sister,” Jack said in a voice dripping with suspicion.
“He’s not an escaped convict or ax-murderer,” Haley hissed.
Ah, hell, now this was turning into a crap show. His sister was hotheaded. The entire situation was getting out of hand. He slowly pulled his hand from Gwen’s and stood up. He was going to have to do this now.
“I haven’t been honest with any of you about why I first came to Shadow Creek.”
The once boisterous chatter now dimmed to nothing and everyone’s eyes were on him and he could feel Gwen’s gaze heating him. God, he was going to destroy her life. His biggest regret was getting involved with her.
“Didn’t you come here to work at the hospital?” Edward Bailey asked, his eyes serious.
He nodded, meeting his gaze. “I came to Shadow Creek for another reason, but ended up working at the hospital when I found out about the doctor shortage out here.”
“That’s very commendable,” Cassy said, giving him a nod and an encouraging smile. Her faith in him was humbling.
He cleared his throat and frantically thought of the speech he’d prepared for years. He’d said it in front of the mirror, on the drive to work, when going to bed at night. And yet now he struggled with the words he knew by heart. “About five years ago, I had accepted a job at the hospital outside of Shadow Creek. I had pulled a double shift at the hospital and was exhausted. I shouldn’t have been driving that night, but I needed to get back to check in on my mother who was very sick at the time. My wife who…” He paused again, looked down. Shame and regret poured through him, unrelenting. His knuckles turned white as he clutched the chair. “She was six months pregnant was beside me in the car. We were arguing. The roads were slick and visibility was next to nothing with the fog and freezing rain.”
“Omigod,” Julia whispered holding her head in her hands.
He refused to picture it, the image that was burned in his memory, of the wreckage.
“When was this?” Julia whispered.
He stared across the table at the woman that he’d perhaps taken the most from and told her the exact date, cringing at the gasps around the table, at the tears that immediately filled her eyes. “The reason I came to Shadow Creek was to meet all of you and to apologize for taking two important people from your lives.” There, he said it, but relief didn’t come.
Self-loathing sliced through him as they stared at him, as the reality of what he signified in their lives sank in. There had been so many days he’d forced himself to crawl out of bed, to try and bury his shame and continue living. But there had been so many more days where he’d allowed the self-hatred to rip a hole inside him. None of it had adequately prepared him for facing these people.
Jack stood abruptly, but Lily grabbed hold of him, urging him to sit down.
“What do you mean, Luke? There were no charges laid that night.” Chase said.
“I know. I wasn’t charged with anything because technically it was just poor road conditions. But I know it was my fault. I was tired. I was distracted. We were arguing. I should have been driving slower. My car spun off the road and down the cliff. I thought that was it. As we went over, I knew there was no way any of us should survive that fall. But I did.” He still didn’t know why. He didn’t understand how he had walked away without a scratch. He hated that he had. There had been so many days where he’d wished he hadn’t survived. He hadn’t deserved to survive over everyone who’d died. The Bailey’s son, their grandson. His wife. Their baby. Sometimes he’d wondered if that was his destiny and he would just have to live out the rest of his life as the man who’d killed so many beloved people. But then he’d met Gwen and he’d allowed himself to stupidly, pathetically, think that maybe he deserved more.
“Finish your story,” Jack said. The tension in his face was obvious, his voice laced with accusation.
Luke ran his hand over his jaw, relief and shame pouring into him at the same time “My car spun off the road and down the cliff.”
“How the hell did you survive that?”
Luke shrugged. “I don’t know. I’m sorry. I just know that I have wished every single day that it had been me. I know how important that little boy…” When his voice broke and his eyes filled with tears he paused. “I know that little boy and his father meant the world to all of you. I’m sorry. That’s all I have to offer, but know that I regret every day what happened that night.”
“You should have told us right away who you were,” Jack said.
He nodded, turning to Jack. “I know. I was working my way up to telling you. I hadn’t planned on getting involved with Gwen. I tried to fight my feelings and just remain indifferent. But I fell in love with her. I should have come clean, but by that point I couldn’t lose her either.”
“Let’s be clear, man, you didn’t cause that accident,” Chase said.
“I know.” He knew that. Technically. But he blamed himself.
In his last days with his mother, when the bad just kept getting worse, he’d brought her home to his house. He and Haley had spent every moment with her, cherishing her, and telling her what a wonderful mother she’d been to them. On that last night, he’d lain beside her in bed, the faint glow from the television and the news on low, keeping him company while his mother slept, her breath low, very shallow. At some point during the night, he’d drifted into a light sleep, but she woke him with a featherlight touch. “Don’t ever doubt why you’re still
here, Luke.”
Her eyes had been clear, she was completely lucid despite the pain meds.
He had shaken his head, disagreeing.
“No. You must find a way to forgive yourself. You must find a way to trust that there are other plans being made for your life, Luke. But you are meant to be here. Don’t waste it,” she’d whispered, reaching out for him. He’d grasped her thin hand and wept, holding on to her, on to her words, on to their last moments together.
Luke blinked, aware that he must have paused, the memory of that night resurfacing unexpectedly. He stared at all of them, hating that his mother had been wrong. Luke ran his hand over his jaw, relief and shame pouring into him at the same time “I’m sorry.”
He stood there, motionless, until Maggie stood up. His heart slammed against his chest as she wrapped her arms around his waist. “It’s okay, you didn’t mean to.”
“Maggie,” Chase said harshly, his face white.
Gwen was holding her head in her hands, refusing to look at him. The room was engulfed in silence again. The scrape of a chair, then Gwen’s mother standing. His heart started beating furiously as she crossed the room. He didn’t know what she was going to do, and he could tell no one else did either.
His composure threatened to crumble when she took her hand in his for a moment, her eyes filled with tears…and forgiveness and something he just didn’t get. “You’ve suffered, Luke. It was not your fault. You have suffered that burden long enough.”
He squeezed his eyes shut and hugged the woman whose life he’d destroyed. He hugged her, trying to accept the gift she was giving him, even though he knew he didn’t deserve it. It wasn’t what he was expecting. The grace she was showing humbled him and as she clung to him, he let her warmth comfort him, reminding him of his own mother.
Julia stood next and walked over to him.
“I’m so sorry, Julia,” he said in a voice so raw that it hurt to speak.
“I know,” she whispered, crying. “I know.” Then she wrapped her arms around him. Nothing in his life had been more overwhelming than this, standing in front of these people, having them forgive him. But Gwen and Jack didn’t stand up.
Her father stood and walked over to him, placing his hand on his shoulder and gripping hard. “You’ve got to let it go, son. It wasn’t your fault.”
…
Gwen looked over at Jack. He was watching her. Neither of them stood. She couldn’t quite catch her breath, the deep burn of betrayal making it impossible.
She felt deceived.
She felt Luke’s pain, his guilt, and on a level she couldn’t quite reach. Instead, she started thinking about how they first met, all the times he’d helped her…it had been out of guilt. She thought he’d walked into her shop and it was destiny…but it wasn’t. It had all been planned by him.
Was the reason he’d taken time off work to help her through the flu all because he felt he owed her family? He’d never told her that. Those five years of his life had been missing. He’d kept a major part of himself from her. She thought he’d been so amazing when he’d helped her with the flu, but it had been guilt. The night of the singles dating…again it had been pity. How could she have been so incredibly stupid? None of this had been about her or them; it had all been about his guilt. It all made sense why he never told her—it was because it would reveal his true motive.
She could tell he was trying to keep it together. Maybe this all meant she was a horrible person. Everyone in the room had forgiven him, but she sat here incapable of finding forgiveness. It was the utter humiliation of being used. The pain of knowing it was all for nothing.
She felt his sister’s gaze and Gwen refused to look at her. She knew Haley was expecting her to get up and forgive him, but she couldn’t.
“I need to speak to you privately,” Gwen finally managed to say, not quite looking into Luke’s eyes. The room went silent and Luke gave her a nod. She stiffened when she felt the light touch of his hand at the small of her back. Just a mere hour ago that touch would have been welcome, it would have sent shivers of delight through her body. Now it was just a reminder of what an idiot she’d been.
She walked out of the dining room, aware of the silence amongst a group of people who were never silent, and through the kitchen out onto the back deck. The cold air was a welcome balm on her overheated face. She looked up at Luke as he stood there, his hands in his pockets, the lines around his mouth in a deep frown.
“Why would you do this?” she asked, feeling numb.
He gave a rough sigh. “I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to fall in love with you,” he said, wincing. Love. He loved her.
She groaned and covered her face for a moment. “Stop lying to me.”
He took a step closer. “I’m not lying.”
“Like you haven’t been lying to me this past month, right?”
She turned from the grief in his eyes.
“I didn’t. It just happened. Think back to the beginning. I went out of my way to make sure we wouldn’t get involved.”
“You walked into my shop. You sat at a table there for over two months.”
“I didn’t know who you were at first. By the time I found out, I was hooked on you. There was something about you, your smile, your laugh. I needed it so badly. I swore to myself it would be hands off, but the night of the storm, when you were crying, that was it. I kept wanting to tell you.”
It was absurd. “All those nice things you did for me, was it just pity?”
“I couldn’t pity you. You’re the most amazing, together, woman I know.”
Clearly, he needed to get out more. She turned from the heartbreaking picture he made. “What happened the night of the accident?”
“I’ve already told you.”
She shut her eyes and remembered what he’d said about the accident, clinging to the possibility that maybe it wasn’t as bad as she thought. “What I don’t get is why you blamed yourself. You weren’t drinking, you weren’t texting, what made you take on the blame?”
He rubbed a hand over his jaw. “I shouldn’t have gotten behind the wheel. I was dead tired, and I was distracted. I’d pulled a double shift. Lisa and I didn’t have a great relationship. We didn’t want kids. Her getting pregnant was an accident. We were so self-absorbed that we didn’t appreciate what we’d been given. We were arguing about who was going to have to adjust their work schedule to accommodate the baby, whether or not we were going to have to get a live-in nanny. So that’s the rest of it. I blame myself for not loving that baby, for that baby dying without ever thinking her parents loved her. I blamed myself for surviving while a dad and kid died. I hated myself.”
She cried as the pain and shame in his voice reverberated through her. The ultrasound picture she’d found in his wallet. Oh God, it was too much. If this had happened any other way, she’d be offering him compassion. She wanted to reach out and comfort him, to tell him none of it was his fault, but what good would that do? The air between them was so thick, so heavy, she could barely breathe. She couldn’t process what was happening. It was as though he was a different man than the one she’d come to know this last month.
Gwen leaned her head against the wall, wishing there was a way out of this. But how would she ever look at him the same? And how could she trust him again? How did she even trust his feelings for her? What if he’d just felt sorry for her this entire time? She was the girl who’d never gotten her life back together after her brother and nephew died. She had gone and fallen in love with someone who had lied to her.
“Gwen,” he said in that deep voice that seemed to fill all her dreams every night.
“Please go,” she whispered, struggling not to break down. “Please go and live your life away from me. I can’t ever look at you the same way. I can’t trust you. You made me the family idiot. Gwen finally finds a guy and he turns out to be the one who caused the car accident that killed…omigod,” she said, starting to sob into her hands. “It’s all so messed
up. Just leave me alone.”
Pain slashed across his handsome features, his jaw tight, his eyes so wounded she had to turn away. She hated herself right now, she hated that she used that against him, but her pride kept her from breaking down in front of him.
“You’re right.”
She snapped her head up and looked at him. She hadn’t expected that.
“I screwed this up. This is why I never wanted to get involved with you or anyone else. I’m not the guy to bet on. I’m not the guy you need. Nothing I felt for you was fake, all of it was so damn real and that’s what makes this so hard. I spent the last five years hating myself. I wished I’d been the one who died. I would have traded places in a second to give you all back the people you lost. But I can’t. It’s taken me five years to be able to stand here today and confess this, to say how sorry I am. I will never be able to give you your brother or nephew back. I will never get my wife or baby back. All I know is that for some reason I walked into your shop that first day. Your smile was the first thing in five years that made me thankful for being alive. I fell in love with you against my better judgment. Loving you was so damn good that I hid my identity because I would rather have whatever you were willing to give me, for however long, than not have you at all. All of it was real. Every word I said to you, everything that happened our night together was real.”
Gwen kept wiping the tears that were falling down her face. She ached for him. She ached for the man that felt such guilt for being alive, for the burden he’d had on his shoulders. She hated that he thought his life was less valuable then everyone else’s. But what she hated most of all was the fact that she couldn’t reach out and hug him and offer him forgiveness. She hated that she was going to let him walk away.
…
Gwen didn’t want to go back inside and face everyone. She wished she could just escape out the back door, go back to her place and hide. She could just imagine the looks of pity from Julia and Lily. She wrapped her hands around the deck railing and took a deep breath, trying to compose herself before she went back inside.
She dug her palms into her eyes and balled all over again. How cruel could life be? As if the last five years hadn’t been hard enough. Now the one guy she actually… loved had been the driver of the car that had killed Michael and Matthew. And not just that—let her fall in love with him without ever revealing his identity?
The Doctor's Redemption (Shadow Creek, Montana) Page 13
