by Violet Paige
“All right. I can do this.” She pulled her shoulders back.
I slapped her on the ass. “Hell yeah, you can.” I wore a grin until the hallway bathroom door closed. Then I felt the full force of panic hit me.
11
Evie
I placed the cap on the end of the test and washed my hands. The last time I did this the test was blank. The ones before it had been blank too. Why did I expect this one to be different?
I dried my hands on the towel and walked into the living room.
“Well?” Jeremy asked.
“We have to wait three minutes.” I exhaled.
“I’ll set a timer on my phone.” He tapped the screen and I walked around the couch.
I stared into the fireplace. I realized something didn’t feel right. I looked around. “What happened to my stuff? Where are my pictures and my Jane Austen collection?”
“Oh. Yeah. I packed it up.”
“To sell?” I heard the crack in my voice.
He laughed. “No, it’s all going back to New York. Are you ok with that?”
“Really? You want my hundreds of pillows?”
“Yes.” He shoved his hands in his pockets. I couldn’t believe he had spent the entire day packing the townhouse. It looked bare and empty. I hadn’t noticed because I was too focused on the test, but everywhere I looked Jeremy had boxed up my life. No more candles. No more books.
“I thought we were going to decide on a few things first. Our tastes are so different, Jer.”
“I can empty the boxes if you don’t want them to go.”
“No,” I shrieked. “I’d love to have everything there.”
“Good. Because I already called a shipping company and it will all be delivered Monday. One hundred pillows just for you.”
I laughed and for a brief second I had forgotten how nervous I was. God, I loved him for that. For how he could ease my soul with a wink.
His phone beeped and we looked at each other. “It’s time.”
“Ok.” I took a heavy breath. “All I have to do is walk in there and look at the stick.”
“Want me to do it?” he offered.
“No.” I shook my head. “It’s different this time, right? We’ve been working on this baby thing all month. The natural way.” I had to convince myself to go into the hall bath and look at the test.
I pulled the door open. The stick was lying on the counter right where I left it.
I held it in my hands and glanced at the small window in the center.
“What does it say?” Jeremy was behind me.
I hung my head. My heart was in my stomach. “Not pregnant.” I choked back tears.
He took it from my hands. His brow furrowed as he stared at the white oval. “But how? Maybe it’s wrong. I was sure you were pregnant.”
“Oh God. It’s not wrong. I knew. I knew.” I ran up the stairs. I couldn’t look at the disappointment on his face. I couldn’t see the pain in his eyes. He had been wrong. This was way worse than doing it alone. I had let him down too. Hurting my husband was unbearable.
“Evie,” Jeremy called. He jogged up the stairs. He strolled into my bedroom.
I wiped the tears with my palms, trying to compose myself, but it was pointless. My mascara ran and my powder was streaked with tears.
“Look at me, Evie,” Jeremy ordered. He sat next to me.
“I can’t.” My voice quivered.
“Fine. Then I’ll make it easier.” He knelt on the floor in front of me, pulling my hands from my face. “Now can you look at me?”
I sniffed. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Jer.”
“No. I’m not letting you do that.” His blue eyes looked severe.
“Do what?”
“Take the blame for something that isn’t your fault. It was one test. One try. One month. One time, Evie. One.”
My shoulders slumped. I’d felt this feeling before. The crushing defeat of knowing there wasn’t going to be a baby. The fear that there was something broken with my body. The utter despair that maybe it would never happen. Looking at it through his eyes was so much worse. The sting was biting.
“I’ve been here. Sitting in this exact spot, Jer. On my bed, crying because I couldn’t get pregnant. That was with treatments and doctors. I was full of hormones. I was a walking fertile incubator and I couldn’t get pregnant. I’m right back in Newton Hills and what has changed? I’m still not pregnant.”
He squeezed my hands. “We aren’t giving up.”
“We aren’t in a dug out,” I sighed. “There’s not a championship game. No troops to rally. I don’t need a rousing ninth inning speech.”
“See, that’s where you are wrong. We are a team. And if you need a hundred more pep talks, then I’m going to give them. Everything before this test doesn’t count. And hell, I don’t think this test counts. We just started trying to make this kid. We’re going to keep trying.”
He kissed my cheek. “I wanted it to be positive. But I love trying to get you pregnant. I’m ok trying as long as it takes.” He tilted my chin toward his. “I won’t stop trying. Don’t give up on me, Evie. I’m not giving up.”
“I’m sorry I asked you to buy the test. It got your hopes up. I could have waited a few more days. I shouldn’t have said something so quickly. I’m sorry.”
“I’m not sorry. Now you have a pile of them for next time.” He was taking the news well. He seemed to handle it better than I did.
“I feel stupid for letting myself believe we had done it so quickly. Really? Who gets pregnant on their honeymoon?” I tried to laugh at how absurd we had been.
He ran the pad of his thumb over my bottom lip. “Don’t feel stupid. I thought we did too. We are going to do this. We are going to make a baby together.”
I let a laugh slip out. “Team mission statement?”
He chuckled. “Exactly.”
“Oh shit.” I looked at the clock on the wall. “We have fifteen minutes before we have to leave for dinner. This day couldn’t be more insane.”
I scrambled off the bed, but not before Jeremy snaked a hand around my waist and shifted me against his body.
“Do you want me to cancel the dinner for you? I’ll do that, if you need it.”
I stared in his eyes. I melted. “You’re willing to risk your life at the hands of the Rossi clan, so I can stay home and eat ice cream?”
“Yes. I’ll do that for you. I will tell Mr. Rossi it’s a bad night for us.”
I wrinkled my nose. “How did I end up marrying you again?”
He laughed. “Drunken sex in the basement.”
“Oh right. That.” It was the reason we couldn’t cancel dinner at my parents’ house. “I’m going to jump in the shower and try to regroup. I think we can show up a few minutes late, but we can’t cancel. No matter what the reason is. I can forget about the test. This is your night for redemption.”
“And how exactly am I supposed to pull that off?”
I dropped a trail of clothes as I turned the shower to hot.
“Don’t try too hard,” I explained. “Ask my dad about things he likes.”
“Ok. What does your dad like? I don’t know what normal dads like. Mine liked money and buying corporations.”
I stepped into the shower and reached for the shaving cream. “He golfs,” I offered. “Oh, and he does woodworking in their basement. Ask him to show you some of the furniture he has made.”
“I play golf, so that’s an easy one. I’ve never built anything. But I’ll ask him.”
The more we talked, the more I forgot how disappointed I was.
“Marcus never talks to him, so you can definitely score points tonight if you act interested.”
“What about the kids?” he asked. “Are they going to like me?”
I ran the razor along my shin. “Yes, they’ll love you.” I wasn’t worried about them. “They will be loud and crazy. And someone is going to spill something.”
“Sounds like my kind
of party.”
I rinsed off and twisted the faucet. Jeremy handed me a towel as I stepped out of the shower.
“Thanks.” I tucked the corner against my chest.
“Anything else I should know?”
I picked up my toothbrush. “Don’t ask about Bella’s.”
“Why not? That’s one thing I do know. Great chicken parm.” He winked next to me in the mirror.
“If you open that window, you’ll never get it closed. And I’d rather not hear about the family business all night. If it was a bad day at the restaurant my father won’t stop talking about it. Let’s not go there. Trust me,” I warned.
I knew that was Jeremy’s comfort zone. He understood business. He knew how to talk about what was working and what wasn’t. It was fascinating to him no matter the scale. Whether it was a baseball franchise or a small Italian restaurant, it was the one thing he could relate to.
We walked out of the townhouse five minutes later than I wanted, but at least I had pulled it together. Jeremy kept his hand on my knee as we drove to my parents’ house. It was a simple reassuring gesture, but I knew it meant so much more. With the closeness of his hands on my body, I knew Jer was going to be there for me. He had enough strength for me to lean on him. He would pull me through the rest of this night, and tomorrow, and the day after that.
With a gentle squeeze of my knee I knew he was turning into the kind of husband I needed. I smiled when we pulled into the driveway. His timing couldn’t be better.
12
Jeremy
I followed Evie inside the Rossi house. I smelled garlic and butter. As soon as we were inside, I was reminded that Evie and I had very different upbringings.
We had talked about how our lives in Newton Hills had crossed and intersected but they didn’t mirror each other. My parents hosted New Year’s Eve balls and galas at the country club. The people who visited the Hartwell estate were loosely called friends. What they were was business associates. We didn’t have old-fashioned Christmases. We had the staff prepare meals while my parents bitched that all the presents were the wrong ones.
Evie’s house was the opposite. I had passed by here a hundred times and never been invited in, until now.
The staircase was lined with pictures of Evie and Frannie at every milestone. At the top of the hall I could see pictures of the Rossi grandchildren. There weren’t any giant oil paintings of a grim wealthy family anywhere. No, instead the pictures were snapshots of happy kids. Vacations at the Grand Canyon. Summers at the lake. Evie holding a puppy. Frannie in her cheerleading uniform.
“You ok?” Evie tugged on my wrist.
“Yeah. Just looking around.”
“Don’t say anything about the wallpaper,” she whispered. “My mom wants to rip it out and my dad doesn’t want to. They’ve been bickering about it for five years.”
“Good tip.” I followed her into the kitchen through the family dining room.
Everyone was circled around the butcher block island.
“They’re here!” Two kids squealed and jumped off their chairs, straight into Evie’s arms.
“Hi, ladybug.” She knelt holding them against her.
“Aunt Evie, where have you been? Is he our uncle?” They stared at me.
“Yes, this is Uncle Jeremy.”
I had never heard those words together before. It sounded strange. I hadn’t considered that I was now someone’s uncle just because I got married.
“Hey, kids.”
“Jeremy, this is Rosie, June—I call her Junebug or ladybug—and this is Samuel.” She tapped each one on the head.
If I could remember this morning’s stat sheets, I could get three kids’ names straight. I was good with names. My memory never failed me.
Frannie walked over. “Hi, again.”
“Cute kids.” I smiled. I might know the names, but I was never going to remember who was who. They ran in circles.
“I want you to meet Marcus.” Frannie waved her husband over.
I extended my hand toward my brother-in-law’s. “Nice to meet you, man.”
“Likewise.” He had a surprisingly firm grip. “I followed your career in the majors. I played in high school, myself.”
Frannie slapped him on the chest. “You were in a rec league, honey. It’s not the same”
“Ball is ball,” I tried to help the guy out. He had a small build. He was more wiry than I expected.
“Thanks.” He nodded toward me just as Evie’s parents stepped away from the stove. They had been waiting in the wings to make their own greeting.
The kids ran out of the room and Marcus and Frannie stepped aside. I forced myself not to tug on my collar. It suddenly felt like a fucking sauna in here. Why were there so many ovens on?
Evie folded her arms around her father. “Hey, Dad. It smells great in here.”
“I made your favorite.” He released her, his eyes on mine.
Mrs. Rossi reached her hands for my cheeks. She was a petite woman. I hadn’t forgotten what Evie told me about her battle with breast cancer. This woman might be small, but she was a fighter. She was strong. I knew she was protective of her family. She seemed to have warmed up to our marriage faster than her husband had.
“We’re so glad you’re here, Jeremy.”
I leaned down to let her hug me.
She stepped back, watching her husband closely. “Marco.” She poked him in the ribs.
It sounded like all the air had been sucked out of the room. I could tell everyone was holding their breath.
Mr. Rossi cleared his throat.
“Dad,” Evie whispered.
I knew I couldn’t make the first move. I was in his territory. I had taken his daughter. This was his moment—not mine. If the man wanted me to sweat it out, that’s what I had to do. In front of the entire family. Sweat bullets until he was ready.
“Son.” He rolled his tongue in his mouth. “There are a lot of things we need to talk about.”
Fuck. This was off to a bad start.
“But,” he continued. “This weekend is about celebrating you and Evie. Dinner is almost ready.”
It wasn’t an open-arm welcome, but I’d take it. It could have gone worse.
“Thank you, sir.” I’d wait until after dinner to ask about the woodshop.
Evie smiled. “Let’s go see what the kids are doing.” She pulled me into the dining room. The air was cooler in here.
I’d made it through the first stage of Rossi initiation. Only two days to go and I’d be fully indoctrinated. I wiped my forehead. I hadn’t thought about this part when I married Evie. I never considered her parents or anyone else in her family.
I knew that was because I wasn’t anchored to anyone like she was. There was nothing keeping me in Newton Hills. Nothing to bring me back. There wasn’t joy here. There wasn’t a house full of my achievements. No scrapbooks. No baby book. Not even my Little League trophies.
I never thought about her family, because I never thought about mine. I was free, or at least that’s how I viewed it. We were adults. Thirty years old. I shouldn’t have to ask or consult anyone.
As Evie’s family chattered around us and her mom and sister set the table while Marcus chased the kids down the hall, I didn’t think I could define freedom the same way anymore. What she had here wasn’t a life in chains. She wasn’t stuck. She wasn’t a prisoner. What she had in Newton Hills was a life with people who cared about her. People who shared things together like birthdays and dance recitals. People who shared grief and tragedy, and celebrated weddings and babies. This is what a family was supposed to be. This is what I never saw up close.
I walked outside, resting my hands on the railing. I took a deep gulp of air, watching my breath curl in the cold. It was supposed to snow tonight.
Had I pulled her away? Should I have left Evie where she was? I couldn’t do what they could for her. I recognized it. I realized it, but that didn’t mean I could change. I wasn’t Mr. Rossi. I didn’t know
how to make a damn lasagna or build a kitchen table with my bare hands.
The door opened and I heard soft footsteps behind me.
“Everything ok?” Evie was at my side.
“I just needed some air.”
“It can be overwhelming, especially with the kids.” She rubbed her arms. “Marcus always gets them riled up before dinner and now Frannie is having to put everyone in time out. It will be quiet for exactly ninety seconds.”
“I’ll be inside in a minute.”
“Jer, you sure you’re ok?”
What right did I have to take her away from all of this? I couldn’t give her half the love and warmth her family could. It wasn’t in me. I wasn’t programmed like she was. It wasn’t in my DNA. Maybe it was a blessing the pregnancy test was negative. She had dodged a bullet not having my baby. There would be one less cold Hartwell in this world.
“Jer.” She curled up under my arm. “You’re freezing. And I heard someone mention trivia. We can take Frannie and Marcus down. Marcus thinks he’s good, but his pop culture skills are dismal.”
“I shouldn’t be here, Evie.”
“What?” I felt her shiver next to me. “My dad will come around. That was his way of saying he’s ok. It’s going to take some time, but—”
“Not your dad.” I cut her off.
“Did someone else say something to you?” She searched my eyes.
I shook my head. “I didn’t know what I was costing you until tonight.” I pulled my arm away from her and took a step back. “I should go.”
“Go?” She put her hands on her hips. “You’re going to leave? We’re about to sit down for dinner.”
“I can’t do this. I can’t be this for you.”
“Be what? What are you talking about?” Her hands flew in the air.
“That.” I pointed to the window where we could see everyone bustling around the table. “I can’t be that for you. I can’t give you anything they do. Every single person in that room can do something I can’t.”
“Who asked you to do that?” She shot back.
“I know it’s what you need.”
