“It isn't. It's only misuse of our powers and ignorance on the part of society that leads to destructive behavior.”
The girl, Enid, nodded. “If I'd known all that Saff and Vic have taught me before taking Jimmy as my lifemate, this wouldn't have happened to him.”
Silence settled over the table for a minute. Jimmy swallowed a bite of toast, and drool ran down his chin. Enid clucked and wiped it up with a napkin, then patted him on the back.
“Is there… Can… Will he ever get better?” asked Joam, looking pale.
Tears stood in Enid's eyes as she shook her head. “He's too far gone.” She looked down at her hands. “I lost control. I was new to my powers, had no education, never knew any other varnals or understood anything about what I was. I love him. I never would have done anything to hurt him. It just… The feelings can be so overwhelming, you know?”
Joam swallowed and nodded. Blake could see how disturbed he was. He was thinking that the same thing could happen to them. Blake leaned forward. “Then how does a varnal protect their human lover?”
Saffron stood up. “That's what we're going to teach Joam, in detail, after breakfast. In other words, right now. Come with me. Vic, you go get some rest. Blake, would you mind helping Enid with the cleaning up?”
“Sure,” said Blake. He gave Joam an encouraging smile. Joam smiled back, but it never touched the haunted look in his eyes.
Joam didn't like the idea of parting from Blake, but Saffron had her hand on his arm and was very firmly leading him out of the kitchen. He looked over his shoulder, and Blake, standing next to his chair, looked back at him. Joam had a funny feeling, and suddenly the fear that he wouldn't see Blake again washed over him.
“What's wrong, dear?” asked Saffron, who paused to find him looking back at Blake. “Oh. Don't worry. Enid's not going to harm him. Come along now. You want to learn so you won't either, don't you?”
Joam nodded.
“Then we'd best get started.”
Joam sighed. He was being silly, of course. They were among friends here. Nothing was going to happen to Blake. He turned and followed Saffron down the hallway.
She opened a door that led to a set of steps going down. The stairs were wood, painted gray, and the damp smell of an old-fashioned basement greeted him, as well as cool air. He followed her down the steps.
The basement, more of a cellar, really, was painted white. The first room they entered appeared to be an office. There was a desk and chair, with a computer and a file cabinet and a phone. A big corkboard hung on the wall over the desk and was covered with photos and scraps of paper. A generator hummed in one corner.
The next room was the laundry room. A set of steps led up to a door to the outside. At the far end of the room, beyond the washer and dryer, the ironing board, and a utility sink, stood another door. Unlike the others in the house, which had all been painted wood, this one appeared to be stainless steel, and instead of a doorknob, it had a turn wheel.
“This,” said Saffron, unsealing the door and holding it open, “is the training room.”
Joam stepped through the doorway to a large room, lined floor, wall, and ceiling with hard foam rubber. The stuff was gray and appeared to be blown on—there were no seams. The floor sloped gently to a drain in the middle. The room was lit by recessed spots in the ceiling. Otherwise, the fifty-by-fifty-foot space was featureless.
Saffron shut the door and turned the crank. It sealed with a hiss. A shiver of trepidation danced up Joam's spine.
Saffron smiled and flounced past him, sitting down on the floor. “Relax. I know it seems a bit cell-like, but the idea is that you can do anything in here without fear of harming another person. The padding and the door have come in handy for a few behavior cases we've had, but that's not our concern with you, Joam. For the purposes of your training, this is just a safe, private space. You can ask me anything, and it won't go outside this room. I won't even tell Vic. And later, when he's working with you, the same goes. Anything you tell either of us in confidence will not leave this room.”
Joam nodded understanding.
“Is there anything you'd like to ask me before we take our full varnal forms?”
Suddenly, his mouth was dry. “We're going to…shift?”
She nodded. “Of course. How else can you learn about your varnal abilities and how to master them? Unfortunately, in full varnal form we lack speech, but I think you'll find that other senses more than compensate for the fact. Still, certain things, like abstract concepts, are easier to handle with language.”
“Full varnal form?”
She nodded. “Oh. Do you not know? Varnals can take three different forms. This one”—she gestured at herself—“where you appear completely human; the full form, where you take on the body of the hound and manifest your full varnal capabilities; and middle form, which is kind of in between.” She took in his expression. “Have you ever manifested middle form, Joam?”
He shook his head. “I didn't even know it existed.”
“It can be handy,” she said. “Here, I'll show you.” She stood and drew her dress up over her head. Beneath it she was naked. She took a deep breath, and Joam saw her transform before his eyes. Fur sprouted all over her body, and the distribution of her body mass shifted, her ample belly flowing into powerful flanks, and her breasts shrinking as her shoulders and arms bulked out. Long ears sprouted from the sides of her face, and a bushy tail grew from the end of her tailbone.
Her face changed too: her mouth and nose elongated into a blunt snout, and her forehead sloped back. “We can still talk in middle form,” she said thickly, “though it takes a bit of practice. And we can walk upright. Our sensual powers are not as strong as they are when we're houndclad, but we still have them.”
She shifted back to her human form and threw her dress on again. “But for today, since you're so new to all this, we'll just focus on full form.”
“Houndclad.”
She smiled. “That's right. Shall we get started?”
“Wait, I have another question,” said Joam. “I'm worried about Blake. I don't want him to wind up like Jimmy.”
“Of course not. No one wants that.”
“But…how can I protect him and still be his lover?”
Saffron took a deep breath and gazed at the ceiling a moment. “Ah, of course. You're already withdrawing from him, aren't you?”
“Not withdrawing! Just…I'm afraid of what will happen if I lose control.”
She nodded. “This is the reason we do not encourage cross-species love affairs. Humans are better off with other humans, and varnals are infinitely better off with other varnals, who can match them in erotic intensity and skill. Perhaps… Have you considered letting him go?”
Joam gasped. “No! I can't do that! We're lifemates.”
She drew her brows together. “Are you sure?”
Joam nodded. “When we were captured by Higgs and Walsh and the others, and I was in varnal form, I could feel everything that Blake felt. And I knew when he was deceiving Walsh. He pretended to reject me and to want Walsh. It fooled Walsh, but not me. I knew the feelings he was projecting were for me.”
Saffron gave a sad nod. “You're lifemates. There's no undoing that, except by means of sorcery.”
“I don't want to undo it. I love Blake.”
“Yes.”
“Can I shift into varnal form by accident?”
“It can happen, but it's a lot less likely if you practice shifting back and forth and get a lot of experience being in your varnal forms.”
“But he's safe if I'm in human form, right?”
“As long as you do remain in human form, yes. Varnal powers of energy manipulation are only active when in middle form or houndclad. But don't you see? If you don't shift, you're denying your own nature, making less of yourself. This is why we counsel unattached varnals to seek their own kind.”
Joam didn't want to listen to what she was saying.
“Can I seal
off my varnal self? Is there a way to make it so that I never change?”
Saffron looked sad. “I'm sorry your experiences so far have made that seem like an acceptable option to you. Even if it could be done, it would require sorcery, and it would be extremely dangerous, almost as dangerous as simply repressing your varnal nature. You are as nature made you, Joam. You're a varnal. The sooner you embrace that fact, the easier it will be for you and for Blake. Suppressing your varnal side will only increase the likelihood of an unplanned, accidental shift.”
That was the last thing he wanted to happen. “Please, teach me.”
“We will. Starting now. Joam, I want you to change into your full varnal form, pay attention to your thoughts, emotions, and sensations, during the change and after, and then shift back to human form again.”
Joam stood and removed his clothing. Unlike the rest of the basement, it was warm in this room. Probably for this very reason. He felt shy about disrobing in front of Saffron, and she seemed to sense it. She stood and turned her back to him, shrugging off her dress again. “I'm shifting with you, so you can have the experience of being with another varnal,” she explained.
Joam piled his clothes in one corner and then closed his eyes, doing that thing where he sought inside himself for the beast and invited it out. There was the familiar heightening of sensation: the feel of the rubber matting under his feet, the warm air of the room against his skin, and Saffron's smell, a heady mix of patchouli and human female that sharpened to a high, musky note with her change.
Just as he noticed it, he felt himself flow and shift, and then he was on all fours, his body now in the form of a large greyhound. The bare room offered little to his sharpened vision, though he could now make out the faint mottling in the rubber padding in exquisite detail. He turned to find Saffron standing facing him—a beautiful reddish gold hound.
It was a surprise to see that her varnal form was just as sleek and slender as his or Gregor Walsh's. They all had the same narrow abdomen and deep rib cage of a canine built to run, and the same delicate front paws, with toes so slender and articulated that they were nearly as functional as hands.
The pads of those toes were intensely sensitive, and he could feel every bump and dip in the texture of the rubber matting beneath him. The air, which before had seemed odorless here, now carried traces of black coffee and bacon from their breakfast. Stronger than that were Saffron's smell and his own, two different notes off the same musky base. That smell was intoxicating. It was a physical pleasure to breathe it.
There were fewer differences between female and male varnal bodies in this form than in the others. She had a vulva; he had testicles and a short, penile sheath from which, when he was aroused, a long bright red penis would emerge. The nipples that ran in rows along her belly were more prominent than his own vestigial ones, but beyond that, they both had the same basic build. Her smell, on the other hand, was undeniably female in a way that he could not quite define. He was relieved. He thought that if Vic were here with him in varnal form right now, the smell of another male would be highly arousing, no matter how he felt about Blake.
It was a sensual thrill just to be in this body. Joam paced the room once, twice, noting how light he felt and how his muscles rippled and flexed. He longed to run across open fields and through woods in search of prey…or mates. He felt more alive than he'd thought possible, and that made him restless, impatient to try out this new body's capabilities.
His hearing, too, was sharper than it was in human form. He could hear Saffron's heart beating and her breath, and upstairs, the clatter of plates and splash of water as Blake and Enid did the dishes. Still farther away, distant but distinct, he heard the steady breath of Vic sleeping.
This was the first time Joam had been in varnal form without any specific agenda since the first time he shifted. He had not taken it to fight or to rescue Blake or to attack Walsh. He could just have it, and he found that he liked it very much. So much that he did not wish to return to human form so soon.
His heart rebelled against the thought, until he thought of Blake. He could catch a whiff of Blake's scent, even down here. That aroused him, and at the same time made him sad because he could not share this experience with his lover.
With a sigh that came out as a doglike whine, he gathered his breath, focused his mind, and shifted back into human form.
It was like entering a tiny, dim room after having been outside on a spring day. Everything now seemed muted, diminished. In a way, Joam wished he'd never taken varnal form. He couldn't help but feel disappointed now that he was back to “normal.”
Saffron was already in her dress again. Joam put on his clothes and turned to face her. “Well,” she said. “How was it?”
Joam sat down on the floor cross-legged. “It felt good. Too good. I didn't want to change back. I wanted to run and hunt and…”
“And make love.”
He nodded.
Saffron sat down across from him, a smile dimpling her plump cheeks. “Those are all perfectly natural things to feel, Joam. And we will run and hunt, later, when the sun is down. You may even want to consort with Vic. He's ambisexual, as most of us are, and I know he finds you attractive.”
“No,” said Joam.
“No, we're not ambisexual, or no, you're not attracted to—”
“No, I don't want to make love with anyone but Blake.”
Saffron was silent a moment. “How many sexual partners have you had, Joam?”
He sighed. “One.”
“Blake.”
Joam nodded. “Beulah's a really, really small town. I think I was the only gay guy there. And even if I wasn't, I didn't dare risk being found out. It was bad enough I was a varnal, and Higgs never wasted an opportunity to point out how lucky I was that he gave me a job and a place to sleep.”
A line formed between Saffron's eyebrows. “And that was your life up until—what—four days ago?”
“When I met Blake.”
She seemed to make up her mind about something. “So basically, Blake is the first gay man you've ever met, and your first lover, your first love, and your first friend.”
“I had friends,” Joam protested, then added, “Before my ma passed. After that, I guess people kind of stayed away.”
“And how long ago did your ma pass on?”
“Three years ago.”
She made a little noise, a small sigh of sympathy. “You've been pretty isolated.”
He shrugged. “I guess so.”
“And now things are changing very rapidly.”
“Yeah.”
“Well, no wonder you want to cling to Blake. He's the one who rescued you, in a way.”
“Not in a way. He did. He did rescue me.”
Saffron nodded understanding. “No wonder your feelings for him are so intense.”
Joam stared at her, a question forming in his mind. “Do I feel this way for him because we're destined to be lifemates, or is it the other way around? Is it the intensity of the feelings that somehow made us lifemates?”
“That's an interesting question, hon. And when you figure it out, you let the rest of us know, 'kay?”
Blake couldn't keep from glancing over at Jimmy every few minutes. He washed while Enid dried, and Jimmy…Jimmy sat in a chair in the corner and drooled. It was really freaking him out.
Enid seemed nice enough. Blake kept on trying to find the varnal in her. Trying to see past the veneer of nice girl to the beast within that had drained her own lover to the point of making him an imbecile. But he couldn't. It made him wonder. Could something like that happen to him? He knew Joam would never purposely hurt him, but what if it happened by accident? He was so new to his varnal powers. Hell, he was new to sex, period, in any form.
Blake realized that Joam's reaction to the surprise blowjob this morning probably had nothing to do with Blake's past. He was worried about hurting him; that was all. Blake felt like a jerk.
Jimmy made a low moaning
noise and rocked back and forth. Enid caught Blake staring. “He was really intelligent, you know, and kind. He was going to become a veterinarian. We were high school sweethearts. He was the only one who knew what I really was, but he never held it against me. In fact, he was always pushing me to find out more about being a varnal. I didn't want to. I felt bad about it. Like I was dirty. But when we were together, his love made me feel pure.” She swallowed and turned to the sink, now empty. She pulled the plug on the drain. “Now I wish I'd found out all I could about my powers, before it was too late.”
“How did you—I'm sorry. You probably don't want to talk about it.”
“No, it's okay.” She forced a smile. “If our story can help you and Joam avoid a similar fate, then at least that's something.” She wiped her hands on a dish towel and sat down at the table. “We were fooling around in the woods in the back of the school. Jimmy was always curious about my varnal form and my capabilities. He used to beg me to shift and do it with him houndclad. I'd done it with him in midform a bunch of times—you know, the one that looks kind of like the wolf-man from the old movies? Anyway, he'd been asking me for days to take my full varnal form while we were…you know. So I gave in. I'd never made love in full varnal form before, and I was totally unprepared for how powerful an experience it would be. I…” Her cheeks turned pink, and she scratched at a nick in the table with her thumbnail, giving it minute attention. “I had a rolling orgasm,” she said. “And when I finally came out of it, Jimmy was unconscious. I thought he was dying. I rushed him to the hospital. He was in a coma for a month. When he came out of it, he was like this.
“I was racked with guilt. I told his parents what had happened. I told them what I was. They were horrified, both at me and their son, for being such a pervert as to find a varnal attractive. They…they said they wouldn't care for a tail chaser.” The epithet was bitter on her lips. “I didn't know much, but I knew we were lifemates. I knew when we made love that last time. That made me Jimmy's next of kin, as far as I was concerned, and I took him.”
Blake didn't know what to say. He was ashamed of the fact that he felt relief because in all the heartbreak she'd just related, the phrase “shifted by accident” never occurred. “I'm so sorry,” he managed at last.
Awakenings 2: Instinct Page 4
