by Marian Tee
In her voice, she knew Christian and probably anyone and everyone in the room who had at least marginal EQ would know what she was feeling, which was---
Pain.
Fear.
And most of all, a need just to have Christian look at her again like she still meant something to him.
But all Christian said was, “I was planning to call you.”
Jane slowly shook her head. That wasn’t what she wanted to hear, and he knew it.
He gestured to a couple of individuals behind him. “That’s FBI Agent Thornton.”
A black-haired woman in a suit stood up.
“That’s my legal counsel, Attorney Peters.”
A silver-haired gentleman also stood up.
Jane managed a smile, but her eyes remained on Christian. He had to know she didn’t give a damn about any of those people. “Christian?”
“They have a couple of questions they’d like to ask of you---”
She cut him off. “Christian?”
“We’re hoping you’d be amenable---”
“Christian!”
And this time, her voice broke a little.
Christian’s lips compressed.
The bubble had burst, Jane thought numbly.
She didn’t understand how it happened, much less why, but she only knew that it had. It was a slap in the face, a stab in the heart, a slice to the jugular. It was all that and more.
But even so---
She couldn’t help trying one more time. “Christian?” And this time, his name came out in a whisper devoid of disguises, a whisper so raw that it had Jared swearing and everyone else in the room looking away, their discomfort on her behalf written all over their faces.
But Christian still didn’t speak, and she stammered painfully, “C-Christian?”
A thousand questions echoed in those two syllables.
Why won’t you even say hi?
Why won’t you even let me touch you?
Why won’t you even look at me?
Just one last time, Jane told herself doggedly.
“Christian---”
His head finally snapped towards her, and her voice caught, Jane realizing she had misjudged her capacity for pain.
“Enough of this.” His voice was hard, his accent pronounced, and his azure gaze was filled with so much contempt it had her stumbling back a step.
He started speaking again, and soon the agent and the lawyer joined him, the three of them forming what felt like a circle of damnation around her. This time, they were all talking, but this time she no longer cared. This time, she just wanted to cover her ears and scream at them to shut up.
Shut up. Shut up! SHUT UP!
Couldn’t they at least give her one damn moment while her heart shattered into pieces?
Chapter Eleven
A one-way mirror into the interrogation room allowed Christian and Jared to watch the ongoing interview between the FBI agent and Jane. Inside with them were her attorney and Christian’s legal representative, both of them wearing stoic expressions on their faces.
Both lawyers had told him on separate occasions that they strongly believed Jane Cooper had nothing to do with the breach, which was now a matter of national security due to recently discovered circumstances.
But even so, Christian had still OK’d Agent Thornton’s request for an interview.
Because it was protocol, he told himself. That was all there was to it, and it had nothing to do with the fact that he had this inexplicable need to give Jane every reason to distance herself from him.
Beside him, Jared said flatly, “You can’t possibly think she’s the culprit.”
“I’m only being thorough.” Christian’s tone was devoid of emotion. “You’ve seen the results of the preliminary investigation. Practically every possible angle pins the blame on her.”
Fact #1: The security breach stemmed from the backup servers he had purchased, which consequentially yielded private information about H’s players to a still-unidentified third party.
Fact #2: A subsequent investigation revealed that a pre-loaded script in the backup servers had been the source of the breach.
Fact #3: Since Christian had made sure that the company he bought the servers from wouldn’t have any time to tinker with its programming, the script could only have been loaded if someone had insider’s knowledge prior to his acquisition.
Insider’s knowledge that could have come from Jane, Christian thought harshly. She was the only other person that had been with Jared and him during their business dinner at Keine Rückkehr Casino’s restaurant. That was the only time they had spoken about his backup plans for H, and not even the other party, Norman Caruthers, had known Christian was thinking about purchasing servers from him.
Jared cursed under his breath when it was obvious that was everything his friend had to say on the subject. “We both know it’s not her---”
“The facts state otherwise---”
“Bullshit. That’s fucking bullshit, and you know it.” Jared turned to face Christian, grating out, “How many times have you told me that your instincts are never wrong?”
“Aren’t you the same person,” Christian exploded, “who told me that I was insane to listen to my instincts about marrying Jane because I barely knew her?”
“And you proved me wrong! I wish you fucking hadn’t, but you did. You showed me your instincts were fucking right again – so why the hell are you choosing this one time not to listen to them?” Jared shook his head in frustration when Christian’s jaw only clenched. “Why don’t you just fucking admit it to yourself? All this is because of one thing, and it’s the fact that you can’t accept you love her.”
Christian’s powerful form jerked, and his gaze swerved to where Jane sat so still inside the interrogation room.
No.
Jared laughed humorlessly at the way Christian’s fists clenched. “There’s no point denying it.”
Christian swung away from the window.
“You love Jane,” Jared repeated ruthlessly. “You’ve probably fallen for her from the start, and I wish to hell I didn’t know that, but I do.” His own gaze went to Jane---
Funny, lovely, sweet Jane who couldn’t be his---
And he, too, turned away.
“She made you human,” Jared muttered under his breath, “and as your friend, I wanted that for you. It’s the only reason why I’ve never gone after her the way I could have---”
“If you want her so fucking much,” Christian heard himself say, “then she’s yours---”
He stopped speaking.
Ah, fuck.
Even without hearing Jared inhale sharply, even without turning around, he already knew---
She had heard him.
****
“Thank you for agreeing to talk to me in private.”
Christian only nodded, leaving Jane unable to say anything else. She turned away and fumbled for the key in her purse while struggling to keep her composure. It seemed like so long ago, Jane thought numbly, when they were okay.
Was it just the other night she had last glimpsed his smile?
The answer to it made her hands tremble, and she suddenly had a hard time fitting the key into the lock. A full minute passed, and she heard Christian walking towards her.
“Let me do it.”
Christian’s curt voice made her flinch, but what hurt her more was the way he took the key from her. He was meticulously careful not to touch her, painfully so. It made her feel like she had an awful contagious disease, and as soon as he had possession of the key Jane couldn’t help shakily stepping away, lest he be infected.
A moment later, and Christian said, “It’s open.” He opened the door for her, and she walked past him. Even without looking back, Jane could feel his presence changing the very air around them, and she sucked in her breath. It hurt that his mere presence left her feeling so raw, but it hurt even more, knowing that it wasn’t the same for him.
Placing her
purse down on the mantel, she asked stiltedly, “Can I get you anything?”
“No.”
Because he’d rather get this over with sooner rather than later, she translated, and her throat began to itch. “O-okay.” Ah, how it itched. “I’ll be just a minute.” Her voice croaked in the end. Shit. She really needed a glass of water. She was just thirsty, she told herself as she hurried towards the kitchen on legs that threatened to give out any second. That was all this was, rather than having anything to do with the fact that tears had been clogging her throat from the moment---
If you want her so fucking much, then she’s yours---
This time, her knees did buckle, and her hand slammed against the wall as Jane fought to keep herself upright.
Behind her, she heard Christian ask sharply, “Is everything fine?”
Oh my God, was he serious?
Jane told herself she would keep her cool. She wouldn’t beg, she wouldn’t shout. She would be an adult---
But then she found herself whirling around.
Fuck being an adult.
“You know what you’re doing here, don’t you?”
Jane was yelling.
Christian’s face became rigid. “Don’t shout.”
Don’t shout? Jane heard herself laugh. Don’t shout? And she couldn’t help it any longer, shrieking, “Don’t shout? That’s really all you can say?” And she laughed again, unable to help it even as she realized her mood had swung alarmingly from despair to hysterics. Or maybe this mood was just another face of heartbreak. It was hard to tell anything when she was hurting so much.
When he only looked at her with those callously cold eyes of his, she said unevenly, “At least admit it.”
Christian’s lips tightened and he stood up with a shake of his head. “I’m not the one with something to admit---”
“Don’t!” Jane’s voice shook at the strength of her emotions. She couldn’t believe he was still insisting on hiding behind such a stupid excuse. “I didn’t steal anything from you, and you know it! All this is about is you pushing me away because I’m getting too close---”
“Will you fucking stop making this all about you,” Christian snarled. “I’m in danger of losing my company. Have you forgotten that? I’m responsible for over a hundred people – my job is to make sure they’ve got food on their tables, and here you fucking are, acting like this is still about us---”
“Because it is,” Jane cried out, “and you’re destroying me---”
“Bullshit.” Christian saw Jane pale and knew he was hurting her. “Don’t make this into some kind of fucking soap, where you’re the innocent victim everyone’s out to ruin.” He saw her lips tremble and he knew he should stop, but he couldn’t.
“Stop acting like it’s the end of the world. You’re far from being alone, and we both know it. I’m not the only man who wants you---”
A stricken look crossed her face.
“But Christian…”
The heart-wrenching note of pain in her voice stopped the flow of his words.
“You’re the only one I want,” Jane whispered.
Christian sucked in his breath.
She wrapped her arms around herself while staring at him, wondering if he got it now. What other men felt didn’t. Only he mattered, but---
If you want her so fucking much, then she’s yours.
The words came out of nowhere, and she jerked, realizing that she was the one who didn’t get it.
If you want her so fucking much, then she’s yours---
He might be the only man she wanted, but it wasn’t the same for him.
If you want her so fucking much, then she’s yours---
She squeezed her eyes shut, knowing that she could never utter the same words to him.
If you want her so fucking much, then she’s yours---
Because she loved Christian.
If you want her so fucking much, then she’s yours---
And Christian didn’t love her.
Christian swore when he saw the tears that started to fall silently down Jane’s face. “Oh for fuck’s sake, don’t cry.” He watched Jane’s eyes open, watched her visibly struggle to control her tears and silently try to understand him---
And something in him snapped.
“Don’t fucking cry.”
Because it was making him want to listen to his heart rather than his head.
“Don’t fucking make this about you.”
Because it was making him think what they had could still be salvaged.
She started hyperventilating, breaking into pieces before his very eyes, and yet she still gazed---
Ah fuck, she still looked at Christian like she loved him.
Jane watched Christian turn away with stunned, pained eyes, and she couldn’t help whispering, “That’s it? You’re walking away, just like that?”
Christian stopped moving, and her heart paused its frantic beating.
Please look at me, Jane pleaded feverishly in her mind. Please let’s fix this. Please.
“I have no choice,” Christian said tonelessly. “This isn’t going anywhere.”
What was he saying? They had a choice. He had a choice to stay. A choice to fix this, a choice to love her back---
If you want her so fucking much, then she’s yours---
Jane whitened as everything suddenly became clear and she realized she had gotten something wrong again. It wasn’t that he had no choice. It was that he had already made up his mind, and he had chosen to leave her.
He had chosen not to love her.
He had chosen to break her.
“But we were so happy,” she heard herself whisper unsteadily. “We were so happy, Christian.” A sob once again tried to claw out of her throat, and she ended up gasping, “Weren’t we?”
His fists clenched at the sound of her voice, everything in him wanting to turn around and just pull her in his arms.
It’s going to be okay. I’m sorry. I fucked up.
But he couldn’t say that. He mustn’t say that.
Because Jane was right: they had been happy, too much so, and that was the fucking problem.
He had never taken a day off work before Jane. He had never made a mistake about work before Jane. He had never put anyone or anything above work before Jane---
And look where he fucking was now.
“Christian---”
“No.” He didn’t need to hear anything more. It wouldn’t change anything.
Jane’s tears fell faster at the finality of his voice, and her shoulders began to shake at the strength of her sobs. “Christian, please.”
And he was starting to walk away again.
“Christian, I love you.”
She hadn’t meant to say the words, but the moment they slipped out, she knew---
She knew she had wanted him to hear it, knew she was being desperate, knew that after this –
There was nothing else she could say or do if he still didn’t choose to stay with her.
Christian closed his eyes.
Christian, I love you.
He heard Jane gasp, and it was only then he realized that his body had moved involuntarily, and his fist had struck the wall with a hard blow. He opened his eyes, and he found himself numb to the sight of his bleeding fist.
He swung around to face her, asking hoarsely, “Did you really think saying those words would be enough to stop me?”
Yes. Oh God, yes. But she couldn’t make herself speak, could only cry harder at the bleak way Christian gazed at her.
“I’ve only had you for over a month in my life, Jane, and look – just take a goddamn second to look, to think about what’s happening. If I don’t find a way to make things right, the information of 20 million H players that I was responsible for keeping confidential would be sold to the highest bidder. If I don’t find a way to fix this, my company could close, and the people who depend on me for their livelihoods would lose their jobs---”
“A-are you sayi
ng,” she asked brokenly, “it’s my fault?”
He shook his head tiredly. “No. Of course not. This was my fault, and I never thought any differently---”
“Then what are you saying,” Jane demanded painfully.
But Christian only looked at her with eyes that grew bleaker with every moment that passed, and her desperation grew.
“I love you, Christian.” She knew she was being pathetic, but what else was there to say? “Please.” She reached for him---
Christian stepped back.
Her arm fell, his rejection devastating her. “Please,” she choked out. “Please, Christian. I love you. We can fix this together---”
“No,” Christian said dully. “We can’t. I know what I’m about to say is a fucking cliché---” A hollow chuckle escaped him. “But it really is not you. It’s me.”
Her laugh echoed the emptiness in his. “You’re right. It’s a stupid cliché. And I don’t---”
“Listen.”
She bit her lip hard.
“You say you love me,” Christian said tightly, “and you say I’m pushing you away because you’re getting too close.”
Jane couldn’t help it, whispering, “Because you are---”
“Then let’s say you’re right. Let’s say I do love you back. Let’s say we do love each other.” Christian inhaled heavily, struggling to keep his emotions under control. “If that’s so, then shouldn’t loving you make me a better person – instead of turning me into this fool suddenly incapable of balancing work and my personal life?”
He looked at her. “Shouldn’t loving me protect you from hurt?”
Listening to him, she finally began to understand what he was saying---
“And yet I know,” Christian said hoarsely, “I’m hurting you. I know I’m causing you more pain than you deserve. So you tell me, Jane---”
Their eyes met.
“Is this really love?”
A sob escaped her.
“You understand now,” he asked tonelessly, “don’t you?”
Yes. Yes. She did, and it was killing her.
“Goodbye, Jane.”
He was saying that they might love each other, but it didn’t mean they were right for each other.
