by Lana Newton
‘I am family,’ said Tony. ‘The only family she has.’
Paul turned away from Tony and faced Claire. ‘I’m making an appointment with your doctor tomorrow. You can explain to him how long you’ve been doing this and why.’ With that he walked out, closing the door quietly behind him.
When they were alone, Claire asked, ‘What did you mean, Daddy? When you talked about lies? What is Paul lying about?’
It was as if Tony was waiting for her question. He took her hand and said, ‘I didn’t want to be the one to tell you. But Paul and your friend Gaby …’ He seemed to hesitate. ‘They are having an affair.’
At first she thought he was joking. She waited for him to laugh and say, ‘Got you.’ But his face remained serious. ‘That’s impossible,’ she said. ‘Gaby is my friend. I trust her.’
‘Maybe you shouldn’t trust her quite so much. Helga left me in my wheelchair one day and went to the shops. I got so bored sitting by the window watching the traffic, I decided to wheel myself to the kitchen. And that’s when I heard Paul on the phone to her. He told her he loved her, that he couldn’t wait to see her. I’m so sorry, darling. I hate to upset you. I just thought you had the right to know.’
Forcing a smile, Claire said, ‘You didn’t upset me. Paul is like a stranger to me. He can do as he pleases.’
Tony spoke quickly, his hands trembling. ‘Let’s go away. We can go somewhere no one will find us and start a new life together. You won’t have to worry about anything. I will take care of you.’
‘I’d like that,’ she whispered, knowing full well that she would be the one taking care of him, wanting to take care of him, and at the same time, feeling suddenly alone and afraid.
* * *
It was dark in Claire’s bedroom, like she was trapped underwater, desperately gasping for air. Curled up in her bed with her clothes still on, she felt a wave of nausea that wouldn’t pass. She hadn’t eaten anything, she realised. Not that she could force anything down. She blinked, chasing away the vision of Gaby and Paul together. Unsurprisingly, it wasn’t Paul’s betrayal that hurt the most. She had meant what she said to her father. Her husband was a stranger to her. As far as she was concerned, he owed her nothing. But Gaby was a different matter altogether. Other than Tony, she was the only person Claire could turn to. Claire had trusted her with everything. She’d told her everything. And all this time Gaby was shamelessly pretending to be her best friend, while planning a future with her husband. The irony of it, the pain of her betrayal. Claire felt she was going to be sick.
How they must have laughed behind her back. Poor ridiculous Claire, who couldn’t remember her own name and couldn’t see what was happening right under her nose. Well, she saw it all now. And she wasn’t going to let Gaby get away with it.
Over and over she called her friend but there was no answer. She left three frantic messages but was secretly relieved when by midday Gaby hadn’t called her back. It was easy to lie over the phone. But would Gaby be able to do that to her face? Claire wanted to look in her friend’s eye when she confronted her.
After lunch when she watched her father eat and touched nothing, she asked Nina to drive her to Gaby’s house, which was only ten minutes away but felt like a world apart. It was in a suburb of London that didn’t look like it belonged in the city at all. There were no busy roads nearby, no dwellings joined together in an endless urban harmonica, only trees and flowers, a small forest embracing the tiny house that was nothing more than a cabin, drowning in the sea of pink, red and purple. Bright and flamboyant like its owner, it suited Gaby perfectly.
Hesitating only for a moment, Claire rang the bell. When there was no answer, she rang again and knocked on the window, peering through the curtains for any sign of movement. It was dark inside and she couldn’t see anything. Impatiently she called out Gaby’s name and rattled the door.
When she was about to leave, she thought she heard a soft rustle behind the wooden door. A curtain trembled. ‘Gaby, is that you?’
‘Who is it? What’s all this banging?’ Gaby sounded croaky, like she was recovering from a cold. ‘I have a headache, go away!’
‘Gaby, it’s me,’ cried Claire, knocking one more time. There was a moment of silence, long enough to make Claire doubt Gaby was ever going to open the door. ‘Is everything okay?’
‘Claire, what are you doing here? I’m not feeling well today. Must be the virus that’s been going around. I wouldn’t want to pass it to you. Please, can I call you later? I want to lie down.’ Gaby’s words were slurred and suddenly Claire realised there was nothing wrong with her friend’s health. She was drunk.
‘Have you been drinking?’
‘So what if I have?’
Claire could swear Gaby’s footsteps were moving away. ‘I need to talk to you.’
The footsteps paused for a second, then Claire heard Gaby walk back and fiddle with the chain. A ghost of the Gaby she knew greeted Claire. There was nothing flamboyant about the woman in front of her. She clearly hadn’t showered or brushed her hair. There were red circles under her eyes as if she had been crying. Even more perplexing, Claire’s glamorous friend was wearing tattered pyjamas that were coming apart at the elbows. There was no usual layer of makeup to shield Gaby from the world. Despite her height, she looked vulnerable and small.
Gaby didn’t say a word but blocked the doorway, deliberately stopping Claire from entering. Even without her high-heeled shoes she was looking down at Claire. ‘What did you want to talk about?’
‘Can I come in?’ When Gaby didn’t move, Claire added, ‘Why didn’t you return my calls?’
‘I’m sorry. I didn’t even look at my phone today,’ said Gaby, finally shuffling out of the way.
Gaby’s living room was a reflection of Gaby herself – a mess. On the floor, there were ice cream wrappers, dirty laundry and plates. There was only one glass on the coffee table but Claire could see two empty bottles of wine. ‘Were you drinking all by yourself?’
Gaby looked like an animal backed into a corner. ‘I told you this wasn’t a good time. I don’t want you to see me like this.’
To Claire’s dismay, Gaby slid into an armchair, covered her face with her hands and began to cry. Instantly she forgot all her anger and suspicions. Her friend had always been there for her. Now Gaby needed her. She perched next to Gaby and put her arms around her. ‘Is everything alright? Why don’t you tell me what’s wrong?’
For a few minutes nothing could be heard but Gaby’s sobbing and Claire’s quiet and affectionate ‘sh-sh-sh’. Finally, Gaby said, ‘Everything is such a mess. I feel like my life is falling apart. I just lost the only man I ever loved. He said …’ She sniffled and blew her nose. ‘He said after all these years he no longer wants me. He is going to give his marriage another chance. Have you ever heard anything more ridiculous? Such a cliché. I love him so much, Claire. I love him with all my heart. And still it’s not enough.’
‘Things don’t always work out the way we want them to,’ said Claire carefully. ‘Did you say years? How long?’
‘Three years.’ Shocked, Claire withdrew her arm and sat next to her friend in silence. Gaby continued, ‘His wife is a wonderful person but she doesn’t love him. Never has. He’s blind if he can’t see that.’
‘It sounds like he might still have feelings for her.’ Was Gaby really talking about the cold, unemotional husband Claire had come to loathe so much?
‘Come on, say it. Tell me I get what I deserve for falling in love with a married man. But things are never black and white. We can’t help who we fall in love with. We made plans. They were getting a divorce. Now suddenly he wants to go back to her. And she doesn’t even want him.’
‘Are you sure about that?’
‘She told me she’s afraid of him. That she can’t stand being in the same house with him.’
Claire moved away from Gaby until no part of her was touching any part of her friend. ‘But Gaby,’ she said slowly, a sudden realisation ma
king her hands tremble. ‘I told you I was afraid of him because you convinced me he was violent. All I had was your word. I don’t have any memories of our time together. You told me Paul had anger issues and I believed you. Did you say that just so you could have him all to yourself?’
‘You know about me and Paul?’ As if by magic Gaby’s tears were gone. Her eyes were on Claire, large and unblinking.
‘It’s pretty obvious. And the more I think about it, the more obvious it becomes. You had the key to our house. You were always trying to convince me we had issues. You did your best to poison me against him. I thought you were my friend, but all this time you were lying to me.’
‘I am your friend.’
‘You tried to take my husband away from me.’
‘We can’t help who we fall in love with,’ repeated Gaby. She looked inside her glass as if hoping to see red liquid miraculously appear out of nowhere. ‘Remember our last high school dance?’ The smile was wide on Gaby’s face. But it wasn’t a kind smile. ‘Of course you don’t. Paul invited you to be his date and you agreed but then cancelled at the last moment. He hired a limo and you blew him off for some stupid dancing commitment. He took me instead. I thought it was my chance to get closer to him. But all he did was stay in the corner all night. Didn’t speak to anyone, didn’t dance, no matter how many times I asked.’
‘Why are you telling me this?’
‘Because I was in that corner, too, refusing to dance with anyone. Hoping if I waited long enough, he would notice me. Hoping he would realise he didn’t need you. But he didn’t see me because all he wanted was you. It was like a spell you’d cast and suddenly he was blind to everything around him. He loved you unconditionally and for what? So you would betray him and break his heart?’ Gaby laughed but there was no warmth in her laughter. It scared Claire, made her go weak in the knees.
‘Betray him?’
‘You don’t know anything, do you?’
‘What do you mean, betray him?’
‘You’ve been unfaithful to him for years. That’s how I know you didn’t love him.’
‘I had an affair?’ Claire whispered, stunned.
‘Everyone knew about it except Paul. And when he finally found out, it almost broke him. He loved you so much and that’s how you treated him. What does that say about you?’
Claire knew for a fact she couldn’t trust Gaby. Her friend had lied to her too many times before, pretending to be something she wasn’t, gaining Claire’s trust so she could mislead her time and time again. Would she invent an affair to prove that she deserved Paul’s love more than Claire did? Yes, decided Claire. That was exactly the type of thing Gaby would do. But if by some miracle she was telling the truth, if Claire indeed had been unfaithful and broke Paul’s heart, then everything would make sense – the divorce papers in her drawer, separate bedrooms, Paul’s cold detachment and aloof indifference. ‘Don’t you see what you’ve done? You told me Paul was violent and all this time I thought he’d killed my mother.’
‘If you believe that, you really are more stupid than you look. Paul is the kindest man I know. He wouldn’t hurt a fly.’
‘My mother knew about your affair. That’s why they were arguing.’ The thought made Claire tremble with pain and affection. Her mother was trying to protect her. How much she must have loved her.
‘She confronted me too. She told me I should be ashamed of myself. And I was ashamed. But you know what they say. All is fair in love and war. I love him. That’s all that really mattered to me.’ Gaby started to cry again but this time Claire didn’t feel like comforting her. ‘We could have been so happy. If it wasn’t for your accident, the two of you would be divorced and we would be together.’
Seeing her friend in tears of despair, Claire felt a sudden pang of guilt. Gaby was the one having an affair with her husband, and yet it was her, Claire, who felt sorry for coming between them and hurting Gaby’s feelings. She didn’t know what to say, how to make it all better. She wished she knew how her old self would react to the news of their betrayal. Would she feel devastated? Or relieved because now she was free to go on with her life without him? Was Gaby right? Had she never loved Paul? But why would she marry someone she didn’t love? And if Paul felt nothing for her, surely he would have stayed with Gaby.
‘You said you hated him,’ exclaimed Gaby, crying softly.
‘I only said that because I don’t remember.’
‘You said you hated him even before the accident.’
‘See, Gaby, you’ve told so many lies, I don’t know if I believe you anymore.’
Suddenly, all Claire wanted was to go back home. She couldn’t believe she thought of the house she shared with Paul as home. But it was the only place where she could be alone with her thoughts, where she could leave the alien world behind. She couldn’t stand Gaby’s tears, her accusing eyes on Claire as if she expected her to step aside and let her have her husband for her own.
On the way back, Claire no longer thought of Gaby. She thought of Paul. As she watched the unfamiliar streets roll slowly by, she imagined his face when he had met her at the hospital for the first time, his eyes on her as he made sure she took her medication every night, his voice as he had offered to bring her father home. Was he hiding his true feelings for her underneath his cold exterior? What she mistook for a controlling nature could be genuine concern for her.
If Gaby was telling the truth, all this time Claire had been wrong about Paul. He wasn’t the terrifying shadow from her nightmare. But who was?
* * *
The door to Paul’s bedroom was open and Claire could hear him whistling a popular tune to himself. On the bed were two large suitcases. Molokai was curled up in one of them like a giant yellow python, taking up all the space, only his tail and nose sticking out. The other suitcase was overflowing with clothes. Paul was standing in the middle of the room, a business suit in his hands, a puzzled expression on his face. With his hair messy and glasses askew, he looked like a lost little boy. For the first time Claire saw him as a human being, not the violent monster she had imagined him to be. Conjured by Gaby’s lies, the monster wasn’t real.
Claire pointed at the suitcase. ‘It won’t close. You’ve put too many clothes in there.’
‘That’s why I have two.’
‘You mean you aren’t packing the dog?’ she asked, for the first time noticing what a nice smile he had. It transformed his face, made it appear kind, more open. ‘Are you going on holiday?’ A few hours ago, seeing Paul packing his bags would have made Claire exhale with relief. Now she didn’t know how she felt about it.
‘A business trip for a couple of weeks.’
‘Molokai seems to think he’s coming with you.’ The dog was asleep inside the suitcase. He was snoring.
‘Is everything okay? Did you want something?’
Claire took a deep breath. ‘I spoke to Gaby. I know about the two of you. It’s probably none of my business and I’m not accusing you of anything. But now that I know the truth, you don’t have to hide anymore. We can get a divorce. You can be with her.’
Paul put the suit down and turned to Claire. ‘There is nothing going on between us.’
‘She said there was. Are you saying she made it all up?’ But she knew the answer to that question. All is fair in love and war, Gaby had said to her.
‘She didn’t make all of it up.’
Claire could tell by the look on his face this conversation was difficult for Paul. But she felt no sympathy for him. This conversation was difficult for her, too.
‘We did have an affair. But I broke it off.’
‘Why?’
‘Why was I having an affair?’
‘Well, yes, but … why did you break it off?’
‘Because Gaby is not the one for me. When you came home from hospital, you seemed so lost and vulnerable. All I wanted was to take care of you. I felt like the old Claire was back, the woman I fell in love with all those years ago. I was lying to myself,
pretending I could be happy with someone else. But I can’t.’
‘Tell me what happened. Why were we getting a divorce?’
‘We drifted apart, I suppose. With our schedules, we hardly saw each other. Before we knew it, we were living separate lives.’
‘And that’s why you had an affair? Drifted apart – isn’t that the excuse all married men make when they cheat on their wives?’
He looked away from her, staring into his hands. His face twisted as if he’d just taken a gulp of something sour and unpleasant. Finally, he said, ‘I wasn’t the one who cheated first. You were.’
His words confirmed what Gaby had told her but Claire didn’t want to believe it. Was she really cable of betraying someone who loved her, smiling to his face and breaking his heart behind his back? Claire watched Paul closely. Was he lying to her? But he didn’t look like he was lying. The pain in his eyes was real.
‘You met someone. Another dancer. When I found out … I felt like you were slipping away from me and I didn’t know what to do. I fought for our marriage but you completely shut me out. Gaby was there for me when I needed her. I didn’t want to be alone. But it wasn’t her I wanted.’
‘I had an affair with another dancer?’ She remembered the photographs Gaby had shown her in the park one day and felt sick to her stomach. If it was true and she did have a relationship with this man behind her husband’s back, then she didn’t know herself at all. Everything she had imagined herself to be was an illusion. The reality was very different. The reality was that she was an adulteress, lying, scheming and cold-hearted. Someone she didn’t even like. What else was she capable of? She thought of the police visit and their suspicions and shuddered. ‘Is that why you didn’t want me to go back to the studio?’
‘I was afraid that the minute you saw him, your feelings would come back. I knew your relationship was over. But I didn’t want to risk it. Your accident, as terrible as it sounds, seemed like a second chance to me, a clean slate. If only I kept you all to myself and took care of you, I thought I could win you back. Gaby … I was weak and I regret it.’ She pressed his hand to say, You don’t need to explain anything, I know. He continued anyway, ‘If I’d still had you, there would have been no Gaby.’
