by Lana Newton
‘No one needed to know about the affair. It wasn’t a big deal. It meant nothing.’
‘Would Mum think it wasn’t a big deal? What would she have done? Would she have thrown you out? Left you penniless? Is that what you were afraid of?’
‘I wasn’t with your mother for her money. I was head over heels in love with her. I always found it difficult to share her with other people. Sometimes I couldn’t control how I reacted. I lost my temper. But that’s only because I loved her so much.’
‘What happened to Nate wasn’t your losing your temper. You planned it carefully. You thought of every detail. You made sure you had an alibi. You made it look like an accident.’
‘Nate got what he deserved. An eye for an eye. Just like in the Bible.’
‘The Bible teaches forgiveness. It teaches kindness and love. You believe in God and yet, you do something like this. How could God allow this to happen?’ She was sobbing into her hands, her body twitching, feverish.
‘God gave us free will so we could make our own mistakes. So we could pay for our mistakes. I guess I failed Him, like I failed everyone else. When I meet Him—’
‘You won’t meet Him. You think God will forgive you for what you’ve done? You’ll be going straight to Hell where you belong.’
‘I don’t care if God forgives me. I want you to forgive me.’
‘Forgive you?’ she repeated like she didn’t know what the word meant.
‘All my life I’ve loved you the most. Please, don’t turn away from me. Try to understand. All I want is for you to understand.’
‘You want me to understand why you killed my mother and brother?’ He was talking so casually about things so abhorrent. Suddenly she felt she was trapped in one of her nightmares and unable to wake up.
‘Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you.’
Was he trying to justify his actions with a quote from Matthew? ‘And the police? They don’t suspect you? Why haven’t they arrested you?’
‘I know many important people. People who can vouch for me.’
‘You faked your alibi,’ she exclaimed, horrified. Why did she find that so surprising? He faked everything else, including being a devoted husband and father. ‘But you won’t fool them for long. That’s why they were here on the day when …’ She fell silent. Was that why he tried to take his life in the bath? Not because he was missing Angela but because the police were on his trail?
‘Can’t you see? I lost my temper and afterwards I couldn’t fix it. She was gone. I couldn’t live with what happened. I couldn’t live without her. I got into the car and all I could see was darkness. I just wanted the pain to go away. That motorway divider was the only way out. But now I can see another way. We could be so happy, you and I. We can be the perfect family I always longed for. I want us to start over, like we did when you came to see me at the hospital.’
‘I didn’t know who you were then. I do now.’ She was crying for her mother and her brother and for her shattered life. God help her, she was crying for her father.
‘Please, Teddy Bear. I’m so sorry I’ve let you down. But if you forgive me, we can still be happy. Just the two of us.’
His eyes were swimming in tears. He looked at her like his life was in her hands. She couldn’t stand seeing him the way she had always known him – kind, loving and gentle. She needed to see him the way he truly was – heartless and evil. Instead, he was a broken old man begging for forgiveness. She couldn’t take it. As fast as she could she sprang to her feet, pushed her chair back and ran out of the room, away from him. Outside, she collapsed to the floor, leaning on the wall. She couldn’t cry anymore. There were no tears left. Nothing was left. Only the emptiness remained.
* * *
There are monsters in this world. Most people never encounter them, never even think of them as they go about their daily lives. Others aren’t so lucky. Monsters don’t always come with a warning. Often they don’t have distinguishing features – no horns, hooves or ugly snouts to set them apart from the general population. They look just like everybody else and they know how to blend in. You could walk past one on the street and not recognise it. You could let one into your life and into your heart, and not realise. When you meet them, they greet you with a smile and a kind word. They make you love them. And sometimes they love you back. Those are the most terrifying monsters of all.
As Claire sat inside a police station and watched people wander in and out, she had to remind herself monsters were not born. They were made by circumstances, by their inability to cope. Did Tony’s terrible childhood break him and turn him into what he was? And did it matter? Could she forgive him if she understood him?
The station filled up and the queue grew. People approached a kindly female police officer behind the glass, and then some of them left, while others were ushered inside. There was an elderly man, hunched over as if by a thousand worries. A woman with a pram and a crying infant. A youth with long hair and high-strung, desperate eyes. Claire wondered if she looked just like that – high-strung and desperate. She wondered whether she, too, would be ushered inside the station if she told them why she was there.
She stared at the old man, the young mother and the strange youth, taking in every detail, trying to fill her mind with irrelevant thoughts and images. But it wasn’t working.
Why had she stumbled into the police station, when what she needed was a church where she could pray? She wanted to ask God to make her forget. He had done it once before, he could do it again. Was it too much to ask when she couldn’t live another day, another minute with the knowledge that everything in her life was a shamble? If Claire lost her mind, she wouldn’t have to think of it. If she died, she wouldn’t have to think of it. And that was what she was praying to God for as she sat in the police station, unsure what to do next – to take her sanity or her life. After what she had found out, how could she still be sane and breathing?
Claire didn’t notice the officer approach her and jumped out of her skin when she heard her voice. ‘Can I help you?’
After a long silence, during which the police officer looked more and more concerned, Claire muttered, ‘No. No, thank you.’ Then she got up and left.
He was still her father. She couldn’t turn her back on him.
* * *
Claire watched him through the doorway, reluctant to walk in.
‘Hey, Teddy Bear. I knew you’d come back.’
‘How could you hurt her? How could you?’
‘I told you, it was an accident—’
‘Your entire marriage you were abusive to her. How could you do it? She loved you so much. She trusted you.’
‘I loved her too. I just didn’t love myself enough to get better, to seek help. I remember like it was yesterday the day it happened for the first time …’
* * *
His wife was everything to him. He knew he was the luckiest man in the world because he was married to the love of his life. She was his angel and his salvation, perfect in every way. If only he could learn to be perfect for her, too. Although he meant well, he could be demanding at times, and despite his marriage vows, he hadn’t always been faithful to her. But it didn’t mean anything. Boys will be boys and all that. What mattered was that he would gladly give his life for hers, and whatever happened, she would always forgive him.
And that was why, on the morning of his first wedding anniversary, Tony woke up with a smile on his face. Today was going to be the day she would never forget. He would make sure of that because she deserved nothing less. On any other Sunday they would enjoy a lie-in but not today. As soon as the sun was up, they were awake, ready and driving away in their little car. Excited about the day ahead, she was singing loudly to the radio. With one hand on her knee and the other on the steering wheel, he felt like singing too. They didn’t have a destination in mind or any idea where they were going but that wa
s what he enjoyed the most – the thrill of the unknown.
On the way, they explored Ardington House, a stunning Georgian residence built in the 1720s, and had a late Sunday roast lunch at a traditional English pub. A fire cracked cheerfully in the fireplace, even though it was summer, and a live band was playing, even though the place was empty. The Sinatra tribute act serenaded the two of them, telling them all about a bar in far Bombay and April in Paris with chestnuts in blossoms. Tony loved the pub, loved how cosy it felt. Then again, they could be in a field digging potatoes and he would have loved it, as long as he was with her.
In the nearby village they found a charming hotel. The building looked like it had been there since the time immemorial, like it had seen the Romans and the Vikings. It had a swimming pool, a sauna and a spa. But most importantly, it had rooms with windows overlooking fields where horses were grazing. Angela declared she was never going home. At least not until she had sampled every mud treatment and massage on the menu. Not until she had warmed her body in the Jacuzzi. ‘Later,’ Tony whispered in her ear as a smiling concierge handed them the key. ‘We’ll do it all later. Swim in the pool. Sit in the sauna. Dine at the restaurant. But right now, come upstairs with me.’
He didn’t have to ask twice. Like a pair of teenagers intent on fooling around before their parents got home they dashed to their room, taking two steps at a time. And when they got there, he lifted her in his arms, carrying her over the threshold as if she was his bride and it was their wedding night.
‘Look at you,’ he whispered, unable to stop kissing her. ‘Look how beautiful you are.’
‘But you’re not looking. Your eyes are closed.’
Afterwards, she lay in his arms, sleepy and content. More than anything he wanted to see a smile on her face, so he showered her with gifts – an amethyst necklace to adorn her beautiful neck, a pair of diamond earrings to make her eyes sparkle even more and the first edition of her favourite book. There was a knock on the door and a dishevelled man in grey delivered enough red roses to fill a bathtub.
‘I love you,’ she said, her eyes wide at the sight of them. He could see she was pleased and it made his heart flutter.
In turn, she presented him with a silver pen, so he could do his favourite crossword puzzles in style. And two slices of cake she had baked herself. The rest of the cake, she told him, was waiting for him at home and he could have it with his coffee every morning while he read his newspaper. Snuggled up to him under the duvet, she reached for the bigger slice.
‘Look at you, taking the big slice, leaving me the small one,’ he teased. With his thumb he rubbed the crumbs off her lips.
‘Why? What would you have done?’ she wanted to know, all innocence.
‘I would leave you the bigger slice and take the smaller one.’
‘But you have the smaller one. What are you complaining about?’
‘Who’s complaining?’ He was laughing, tickling her and feeding her cake.
‘Why aren’t you eating?’ she asked. ‘Here, have some.’
But he wasn’t thinking of the cake at all. Mesmerised by her, he was thinking that this was the happiest day of his life. He wanted to savour every moment and commit every detail to memory, so that when he was old and the best was behind him, he could travel back in time in his mind and see her like this, all slim limbs and long hair, naked in his arms.
The next morning, they got a late checkout and stayed in the room till midday. They never got a chance to visit the swimming pool or the spa, nor did they soak in the Jacuzzi or eat at the restaurant. Unable to keep their hands off each other, they barely had time to get out of bed and throw some clothes on before the cleaners arrived. On the way back home, they stopped at the same pub for lunch. In place of the Sinatra act was an Elvis impersonator who looked more like Boy George than the King of Rock’n’Roll. The fire in the fireplace was dancing to ‘Jailhouse Rock’.
Her hand in his, she was teasing him and talking about the film they had seen a few days ago. He was hanging on her every word and didn’t want the day to end. Who wanted to go back to their daily lives when they could have this? Without having had a drop of wine, he felt light-headed just sitting across the table from her. But then a waiter brought their food, a George Clooney lookalike with a Northern accent, and the spell was broken. She chatted with him for a minute, and as far as Tony was concerned, it was one minute too long. Where are you from? Do you go back home often? Do you miss your family? She laughed at his jokes and told him all about herself.
Tony felt the perspiration on his forehead, the sudden moisture under his armpits, the dryness in his throat. He closed his eyes, to avoid seeing the waiter’s affectionate smile or her face that was turned to him with interest. Interest! She’s interested in him. When Tony opened his eyes, all he could see was red. Something evil slithered inside him. The demons that lurked in the darkest corner of his soul stirred and arose, singing in his ear in irritating voices. You are good for nothing. A failure. You will never be good enough for her. No wonder she’s looking at another man, even on your wedding anniversary.
Tony believed the demons and they knew it. Louder and louder they screamed until he could hear nothing else. He wished he could ignore them but the demons had acquired pointed arrows and skilfully aimed for his heart that was now bleeding and driving him mad with despair. She can see right through you, the demons murmured. It’s only a matter of time before she finds someone better. Be a man. Do something about it. Show her who’s boss.
Tony thought he would go insane. He wanted to put his hands over his ears and scream. There was only one way to make the demons stop. He had to do as they commanded.
As they walked to the car, she spoke about the meal and how nice it was. ‘Nice, was it? You certainly looked like you enjoyed it,’ he roared, shaking with a rage he didn’t know how to control. She turned to him in surprise and smiled uncertainly, almost apologetically. As if she felt guilty. That was when he knew – the voices in his head were right. She had been interested in the young waiter. It was written all over her face. Just like most women, she was not to be trusted.
Shocked by this sudden realisation, he slapped her hard across her face. ‘How dare you flirt in front of me? You have no shame!’ he shouted. ‘How dare you?’ It was as if someone else was moving his hand, making it connect with her cheek, her lovely smile long gone. The demons were forcing him to do things he didn’t want to do and he was powerless to resist.
He would never forget the heartbreak on her face. Heartbroken himself, he couldn’t believe what he’d just done. He had hurt the one he loved the most. Deflated and lost, all his anger dissipated as if by magic, he broke down in sobs, begging for forgiveness. Bizarrely, it was her who comforted him. ‘It’s okay,’ she whispered. ‘It will be okay.’
‘I don’t know what happened,’ he said, his arms around her, kissing her where he’d just struck her, holding her tight and not letting go. Whatever happened, he could never let her go. Because she was his everything. ‘I don’t know what came over me.’
‘It’s okay. Don’t cry. We’ll get through this. It will be okay.’ She was a saint. He didn’t deserve her.
‘It will never happen again,’ he repeated over and over, like a prayer.
But it would happen again and they both knew it.
* * *
Why was he telling her this? Did he want her to feel sorry for him? ‘You are despicable,’ Claire whispered, turning away from him.
As she stumbled out of the room, she heard him say, ‘I’m just a human being who has his flaws, just like everybody else. A human being with a loving heart that’s been broken too many times.’
As she walked around the house aimlessly, Claire knew she would give anything to have her mother hug her and make everything better. But for now, her favourite photographs would do. To feel sane, she needed to see her mother’s face. Halfway up the stairs, her legs gave out and she could no longer walk. She sat on the floor, hugged her knees
and shook.
‘Please, don’t run away from me again,’ she heard. She looked up and there Tony was, towering over her. He was moving! Leaning on the banister, pulling himself up with great effort, like a drunk bringing one foot in front of the other slowly, carefully. But he could walk! Why hadn’t he said anything? How long had he been pretending to be bedridden? Had everything been a lie?
‘I loved your mother. I wish I could turn back time and change things but I can’t. Don’t think I’m not paying for what I’ve done. I am, every single day. The worst prisons are those we build inside ourselves, and my prison is a dungeon, without light, without air. I rot in it and suffer, every minute of every day. I pay with sleepless nights, with loneliness and remorse.’
‘You took my whole family away from me.’ You took yourself away from me, she wanted to add. ‘I’ll make sure you rot in jail for what you’ve done to Mum and Nate.’
‘Don’t you dare threaten me. I am still your father.’
Being so close to him, unable to run away, she felt like a petrified mouse backed into a corner. ‘Stay away from me,’ she cried. ‘I’m not Mum. I’m not Nate. You’re a cold-blooded murderer. I despise you.’
He was coming closer still, inching his way towards her, his arms outstretched, his mouth twitching. Another step and then another, and soon she could feel his breath on her face. She was shaking, in fear and anger. ‘I’ve been to the police. I told them everything. They are coming for you.’
Suddenly, a light fell on his distorted face and she could have sworn she saw a glimmer of a knife in his hand. Was it her imagination playing tricks on her or was it real? She only knew one thing for sure – whatever it took, she wasn’t going to become his next victim.
He was looming over her, dark, tall and skeletal. She could smell his sweat, sense his desperation. In a second, he would touch her. And she knew – whatever happened, she couldn’t let him touch her. Rising to her feet, she pushed him as hard as she could. There wasn’t much strength in her stupefied body but it was enough to send him spiralling down the stairs. One moment he was leaning over her, the next he was flying. There was a split second when she saw his eyes widen in shock. She saw the look on his face and that was when she knew – he wasn’t going to hurt her. There was no knife, only an outstretched hand. It was a peace offering, a beacon. He was going to help her up. What had she done? In horror she watched his hands flail, his body roll, his head loll from side to side like a puppet’s as it hit every step.
