by Alice Munro
“That was the end of them thinking they could run things,” Flo said. It was hard to tell, as always, what particular defeat—was it that of religion or pretension?—she was so glad to see.
THE BOY WHO SHOWED ROSE the poem in Miss Hattie’s own English class in Hanratty high school was Ralph Gillespie, the same boy who specialized in Milton Homer imitations. As Rose remembered it, he hadn’t started on the imitations at the time he showed her the poem. They came later, during the last few months he was in school. In most classes he sat ahead of Rose or behind her, due to the alphabetical closeness of their names. Beyond this alphabetical closeness they did have something like a family similarity, not in looks but in habits or tendencies. Instead of embarrassing them, as it would have done if they had really been brother and sister, this drew them together in helpful conspiracy. Both of them lost or mislaid, or never adequately provided themselves with, all the pencils, rulers, erasers, pen-nibs, ruled paper, graph paper, the compass, dividers, protractor, necessary for a successful school life; both of them were sloppy with ink, subject to spilling and blotting mishaps; both of them were negligent about doing homework but panicky about not having done it. So they did their best to help each other out, sharing whatever supplies they had, begging from their more provident neighbors, finding someone’s homework to copy. They developed the comradeship of captives, of soldiers who have no heart for the campaign, wishing only to survive and avoid action.
That wasn’t quite all. Their shoes and boots became well acquainted, scuffling and pushing in friendly and private encounter, sometimes resting together a moment in tentative encouragement; this mutual kindness particularly helped them through those moments when people were being selected to do mathematics problems on the blackboard.
Once Ralph came in after noon hour with his hair full of snow. He leaned back and shook the snow over Rose’s desk, saying, “Do you have those dandruff blues?”
“No. Mine’s white.”
This seemed to Rose a moment of some intimacy, with its physi cal frankness, its remembered childhood joke. Another day at noon hour, before the bell rang, she came into the classroom and found him, in a ring of onlookers, doing his Milton Homer imitation. She was surprised and worried; surprised because his shyness in class had always equalled hers and had been one of the things that united them; worried that he might not be able to bring it off, might not make them laugh. But he was very good; his large, pale, good-natured face took on the lumpy desperation of Milton’s; his eyes goggled and his jowls shook and his words came out in a hoarse hypnotized singsong. He was so successful that Rose was amazed, and so was everybody else. From that time on Ralph began to do imitations; he had several, but Milton Homer was his trademark. Rose never quite got over a comradely sort of apprehension on his behalf. She had another feeling as well, not envy but a shaky sort of longing. She wanted to do the same. Not Milton Homer; she did not want to do Milton Homer. She wanted to fill up in that magical, releasing way, transform herself; she wanted the courage and the power.
Not long after he started publicly developing these talents he had, Ralph Gillespie dropped out of school. Rose missed his feet and his breathing and his finger tapping her shoulder. She met him sometimes on the street but he did not seem to be quite the same person. They never stopped to talk, just said hello and hurried past. They had been close and conspiring for years, it seemed, maintaining their spurious domesticity, but they had never talked outside of school, never gone beyond the most formal recognition of each other, and it seemed they could not, now. Rose never asked him why he had dropped out; she did not even know if he had found a job. They knew each other’s necks and shoulders, heads and feet, but were not able to confront each other as full-length presences.
After a while Rose didn’t see him on the street any more. She heard that he had joined the Navy. He must have been just waiting till he was old enough to do that. He had joined the Navy and gone to Halifax. The war was over, it was only the peacetime Navy. Just the same it was odd to think of Ralph Gillespie, in uniform, on the deck of a destroyer, maybe firing off guns. Rose was just beginning to understand that the boys she knew, however incompetent they might seem, were going to turn into men, and be allowed to do things that you would think required a lot more talent and authority than they could have.
THERE WAS A TIME, after she gave up the store and before her arthritis became too crippling, during which Flo went out to Bingo games and sometimes played cards with her neighbors at the Legion Hall. When Rose was home on a visit conversation was difficult, so she would ask Flo about the people she saw at the Legion. She would ask for news of her own contemporaries, Horse Nicholson, Runt Chesterton, whom she could not really imagine as grown men; did Flo ever see them?
“There’s one I see and he’s around there all the time. Ralph Gillespie.”
Rose said that she had thought Ralph Gillespie was in the Navy. “He was too but he’s back home now. He was in an accident.” “What kind of accident?”
“I don’t know. It was in the Navy. He was in a Navy hospital three solid years. They had to rebuild him from scratch. He’s all right now except he walks with a limp, he sort of drags the one leg.”
“That’s too bad.”
“Well, yes. That’s what I say. I don’t hold any grudge against him but there’s some up there at the Legion that do.”
“Hold a grudge?”
“Because of the pension,” said Flo, surprised and rather contemptuous of Rose for not taking into account so basic a fact of life, and so natural an attitude, in Hanratty. “They think, well, he’s set for life. I say he must’ve suffered for it. Some people say he gets a lot but I don’t believe it. He doesn’t need much, he’s all on his own. One thing, if he suffers pain he don’t let on. Like me. I don’t let on. Weep and you weep alone. He’s a good darts player. He’ll play anything that’s going. And he can imitate people to the life.”
“Does he still do Milton Homer? He used to do Milton Homer at school.”
“He does him. Milton Homer. He’s comical at that. He does some others too.”
“Is Milton Homer still alive? Is he still marching in parades?” “Sure he’s still alive. He’s quietened down a lot, though. He’s out there at the County Home and you can see him on a sunny day down by the highway keeping an eye on the traffic and licking up an ice cream cone. Both the old ladies is dead.”
“So he isn’t in the parades any more?”
“There isn’t the parades to be in. Parades have fallen off a lot. All the Orangemen are dying out and you wouldn’t get the turnout, anyway, people’d rather stay home and watch their T.V.”
ON LATER VISITS Rose found that Flo had turned against the Legion. “I don’t want to be one of those old crackpots,” she said.
“What old crackpots?”
“Sit around up there telling the same stupid yarns and drinking beer. They make me sick.”
This was very much in Flo’s usual pattern. People, places, amusements, went abruptly in and out of favor. The turnabouts had become more drastic and frequent with age.
“Don’t you like any of them any more? Is Ralph Gillespie still going there?”
“He still is. He likes it so well he tried to get himself a job there. He tried to get the part-time bar job. Some people say he got turned down because he already has got the pension but I think it was because of the way he carries on.”
“How? Does he get drunk?”
“You couldn’t tell if he was, he carries on just the same, imitating, and half the time he’s imitating somebody that the newer people that’s come to town, they don’t know even who the person was, they just think it’s Ralph being idiotic.”
“Like Milton Homer?”
“That’s right. How do they know it’s supposed to be Milton Homer and what was Milton Homer like? They don’t know. Ralph don’t know when to stop. He Milton Homer’d himself right out of a job.”
After Rose had taken Flo to the County Home—she had no
t seen Milton Homer there, though she had seen other people she had long believed dead—and was staying to clean up the house and get it ready for sale, she herself was taken to the Legion by Flo’s neighbors, who thought she must be lonely on a Saturday night. She did not know how to refuse, so she found herself sitting at a long table in the basement of the hall, where the bar was, just at the time the last sunlight was coming across the fields of beans and corn, across the gravel parking lot and through the high windows, staining the plywood walls. All around the walls were photographs, with names lettered by hand and taped to the frames. Rose got up to have a look at them. The Hundred and Sixth, just before embarkation, 1915. Various heroes of that war, whose names were carried on by sons and nephews, but whose existence had not been known to her before. When she came back to the table a card game had started. She wondered if it had been a disruptive thing to do, getting up to look at the pictures. Probably nobody ever looked at them; they were not for looking at; they were just there, like the plywood on the walls. Visitors, outsiders, are always looking at things, always taking an interest, asking who was this, when was that, trying to liven up the conversation. They put too much in; they want too much out. Also, it could have looked as if she was parading around the room, asking for attention.
A woman sat down and introduced herself. She was the wife of one of the men playing cards. “I’ve seen you on television,” she said. Rose was always a bit apologetic when somebody said this; that is, she had to control what she recognized in herself as an absurd impulse to apologize. Here in Hanratty the impulse was stronger than usual. She was aware of having done things that must seem high-handed. She remembered her days as a television interviewer, her beguiling confidence and charm; here as nowhere else they must understand how that was a sham. Her acting was another matter. The things she was ashamed of were not what they must think she was ashamed of; not a flopping bare breast, but a failure she couldn’t seize upon or explain.
This woman who was talking to her did not belong to Hanratty. She said she had come from Sarnia when she was married, fifteen years ago.
“I still find it hard to get used to. Frankly I do. After the city. You look better in person than you do in that series.”
“I should hope so,” said Rose, and told about how they made her up. People were interested in things like that and Rose was more comfortable, once the conversation got on to technical details.
“Well, here’s old Ralph,” the woman said. She moved over, making room for a thin, gray-haired man holding a mug of beer. This was Ralph Gillespie. If Rose had met him on the street she would not have recognized him, he would have been a stranger to her, but after she had looked at him for a moment he seemed quite unchanged to her, unchanged from himself at seventeen or fifteen, his gray hair which had been light brown still falling over his forehead, his face still pale and calm and rather large for his body, the same diffident, watchful, withholding look. But his body was thinner and his shoulders seemed to have shrunk together. He wore a short-sleeved sweater with a little collar and three ornamental buttons; it was light-blue with beige and yellow stripes. This sweater seemed to Rose to speak of aging jauntiness, a kind of petrified adolescence. She noticed that his arms were old and skinny and that his hands shook so badly that he used both of them to raise the glass of beer to his mouth.
“You’re not staying around here long, are you?” said the woman who had come from Sarnia.
Rose said that she was going to Toronto tomorrow, Sunday, night.
“You must have a busy life,” the woman said, with a large sigh, an honest envy that in itself would have declared out-of-town origins.
Rose was thinking that on Monday at noon she was to meet a man for lunch and to go to bed. This man was Tom Shepherd, whom she had known for a long time. At one time he had been in love with her, he had written love letters to her. The last time she had been with him, in Toronto, when they were sitting up in bed afterwards drinking gin and tonic—they always drank a good deal when they were together—Rose suddenly thought, or knew, that there was somebody now, some woman he was in love with and was courting from a distance, probably writing letters to, and that there must have been another woman he was robustly bedding, at the time he was writing letters to her. Also, and all the time, there was his wife. Rose wanted to ask him about this; the necessity, the difficulties, the satisfactions. Her interest was friendly and uncritical but she knew, she had just enough sense to know, that the question would not do.
The conversation in the Legion had turned on lottery tickets, Bingo games, winnings. The men playing cards—Flo’s neighbor among them—were talking about a man who was supposed to have won ten thousand dollars, and never publicized the fact, because he had gone bankrupt a few years before and owed so many people money.
One of them said that if he had declared himself bankrupt, he didn’t owe the money any more.
“Maybe he didn’t owe it then,” another said. “But he owes it now. The reason is, he’s got it now.”
This opinion was generally favored.
Rose and Ralph Gillespie looked at each other. There was the same silent joke, the same conspiracy, comfort; the same, the same.
“I hear you’re quite a mimic,” Rose said.
That was wrong; she shouldn’t have said anything. He laughed and shook his head.
“Oh, come on. I hear you do a sensational Milton Homer.” “I don’t know about that.”
“Is he still around?”
“Far as I know he’s out at the County Home.”
“Remember Miss Hattie and Miss Mattie? They had the lantern slide show at their house.”
“Sure.”
“My mental picture of China is still pretty well based on those slides.”
Rose went on talking like this, though she wished she could stop. She was talking in what elsewhere might have been considered an amusing, confidential, recognizably and meaninglessly flirtatious style. She did not get much response from Ralph Gillespie, though he seemed attentive, even welcoming. All the time she talked, she was wondering what he wanted her to say. He did want something. But he would not make any move to get it. Her first impression of him, as boyishly shy and ingratiating, had to change. That was his surface. Underneath he was self-sufficient, resigned to living in bafflement, perhaps proud. She wished that he would speak to her from that level, and she thought he wished it, too, but they were prevented.
But when Rose remembered this unsatisfactory conversation she seemed to recall a wave of kindness, of sympathy and forgiveness, though certainly no words of that kind had been spoken. That peculiar shame which she carried around with her seemed to have been eased. The thing she was ashamed of, in acting, was that she might have been paying attention to the wrong things, reporting antics, when there was always something further, a tone, a depth, a light, that she couldn’t get and wouldn’t get. And it wasn’t just about acting she suspected this. Everything she had done could sometimes be seen as a mistake. She had never felt this more strongly than when she was talking to Ralph Gillespie, but when she thought about him afterwards her mistakes appeared unimportant. She was enough a child of her time to wonder if what she felt about him was simply sexual warmth, sexual curiosity; she did not think it was. There seemed to be feelings which could only be spoken of in translation; perhaps they could only be acted on in translation; not speaking of them and not acting on them is the right course to take because translation is dubious. Dangerous, as well.
For these reasons Rose did not explain anything further about Ralph Gillespie to Brian and Phoebe when she recalled Milton Homer’s ceremony with babies or his expression of diabolical happiness on the swing. She did not even mention that he was dead. She knew he was dead because she still had a subscription to the Hanratty paper. Flo had given Rose a seven-year subscription on the last Christmas when she felt obliged to give Christmas presents; characteristically, Flo said that the paper was just for people to get their names in and hadn’t anything in it
worth reading. Usually Rose turned the pages quickly and put the paper in the firebox. But she did see the story about Ralph which was on the front page.
FORMER NAVY MAN DIES
Mr. Ralph Gillespie, Naval Petty Officer, retired, sustained fatal head injuries at the Legion Hall on Saturday night last. No other person was implicated in the fall and unfortunately several hours passed before Mr. Gillespie’s body was discovered. It is thought that he mistook the basement door for the exit door and lost his balance, which was precarious due to an old injury suffered in his naval career which left him partly disabled.
The paper went on to give the names of Ralph’s parents, who were apparently still alive, and of his married sister. The Legion was taking charge of the funeral services.
Rose didn’t tell this to anybody, glad that there was one thing at least she wouldn’t spoil by telling, though she knew it was lack of material as much as honorable restraint that kept her quiet. What could she say about herself and Ralph Gillespie, except that she felt his life, close, closer than the lives of men she’d loved, one slot over from her own?
