by Kathryn Moon
“It’s not.” Wes was firm. Retreat, I told myself. I was sure not all of his employees felt like double-checking my apartment was worth the extra time it took on what had to be busy schedules, but I was also sure I didn’t have it in me to argue.
“You should cancel your lease,” Rake said, shrugging and taking a bite of the enchiladas Leo had made for dinner.
“Why would I cancel? I’m barely three months into it,” I said. I looked at the others and wondered if I was imagining the way none of them would meet my eye. Had Wes told them about the video? Was it only me withdrawing, or were they as disgusted with me now as I was? “I mean, I know we don’t know how long it’s going to be before Indy is caught, but…I can’t stay here indefinitely.”
Matthieu’s hand caught mine as I reached for my wine glass, and he drew it to his lap, leaning over the arm of his chair to hold my gaze. “Yes you can, Lolotte. We’re all hoping you will.”
“If the guest room is too small I can easily trade with you,” Caleb chimed in before Matthieu’s words had time to sink in.
“I’ll have Indy handled for you in no time, sweetheart,” Wes growled.
“But that doesn’t mean you should leave!” Rake was quick to add.
“Sunshine, don’t be in such a rush,” Cyrus said.
I gaped at them all, each of them wearing earnest, nervous expressions. Leo was the only one who hadn’t spoken in the sudden rush, and I looked at him last.
“Told you,” he said, gaze gentle but watching me carefully.
I think you need to reconcile yourself to the idea that the pack is going to want you to stay.
He’d warned me.
But I’d thought he’d meant…in a few years. Or at least closer to an entire year. It hadn’t even been a month since Rake’s heat.
Be calm, Lola. Be fair to them, and fair to yourself, the kinder side of my thoughts offered.
Are you really going to let them saddle themselves with the girl in that video? answered the other half of me.
“Aren’t you all worried that this is…a very premature offer? I’ve…I haven’t been staying here long and—”
“Lola, I knew from the day you first came to this house that you belonged with us,” Rake said, leaning in at the table. “I want you living here permanently. I want you bonded to my alphas so I know that you’ll always be with us.”
“Okay, I agree, but I think we’d better just cover—” Leo started, setting his hand on Rake’s shoulder.
“Bonds can be arranged,” Matthieu purred, squeezing my hand.
My chair screeched against the floor and I was standing before I’d realized it, the room spinning around me. My hand was still warm from Matthieu's touch, but I was cradling it against my chest, trying to hold in the torrent rushing through me.
“What happened to one step at a time?” Caleb murmured to Rake.
“Lola, wait,” Leo murmured, his own chair backing up. “I know that feels like a lot all at once but—”
“I—” I can’t, I can’t, I can’t. You won’t want me. “—can’t just join the pack like this! What if—”
“Lola, gorgeous.” Leo shuffled out from behind his chair, jogging around the long dinner table as I stumbled out of my own seat. Matthieu was quick to follow, and in a moment I was caged between them, a flight instinct rising high and rapid in my chest, like a bird startled from its branches.
“Lolotte, not one of us has any doubts,” Matthieu murmured, ducking his head to try and meet my eyes as I looked for my escape route. “And there is no promise as secure as a bond. You would never need to worry that we would leave you.”
“Because you couldn’t,” I said, high and breathless, whipping to face him. “But what if you regretted that? Matthieu, I’m a mess.”
“You’re not a mess!” Rake said.
Dinner was fucking ruined. I’d done that much already.
“Lola, listen. This doesn’t need to be this conversation right now. Let’s talk about your apartment first. I know it’s only two weeks, but would you feel ready to move in here permanently? Then you wouldn’t have to worry--”
“No. No, no, no. I’m not ready. Hasn’t this week made that clear?” I asked, facing Leo with wild eyes and a fist of panic around my throat. “I spent a year completely shut down, and I’m barely making progress now!”
“That isn’t true at all, love,” Caleb said.
“Lola, the fact that you’ve been here with us proves how much progress you made,” Cyrus argued.
“I think we all need to take a step back,” Wes said, watching me carefully.
“Leo, I love you, I do,” I murmured, eyes filling. “But I can’t—I’m trying not to be an entire baggage car, I'm honestly not, but I can’t put everything I’m carrying on this pack.”
“Lola, you are not a burden,” Matthieu said in my ear.
“I am a burden to myself,” I snapped, eyes squeezing shut. “Just try and imagine what you guys would’ve gone through if you’d been bonded to me last night!”
“We would’ve known you were safe as you came home,” Rake said, rising.
“And you would’ve felt everything I felt while I watched that fucking video!” I shouted back, silencing the men around me. I opened my eyes again and stared at them each in turn. “You have no idea,” I said, voice breaking and my head shaking. “And I don’t want you to. Can’t you understand I want to…to feel good for all of you? But some days I just can’t. Right now I can’t.”
“The bond isn’t about what you can bring to us, Lola,” Caleb said.
“It should be. This whole thing between us is so uneven, I’m just constantly leaning on all of you—”
“So lean on us, Lola!” Matthieu answered, finally losing his cool. I jumped at his bark, and he hissed, turning away and covering his face. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I just—this can be easy, darling. It really can.”
“Not for me,” I whispered, shoulders rising high. I’m trying to help you, Matthieu.
Leo’s touch was faint on my arm and he turned me slowly. “I know this is overwhelming you. But listen, a bond is not a one-way street, and in spite of the direction of this conversation,” he bit out, glaring at Matthieu and then Rake, “that doesn’t have to be a hurdle we jump right now. When that time comes, and you feel ready, I can honestly say that burdens are easier to carry with more than one set of hands.”
I shook my head, and he hushed me, squeezing my arm gently and making me pause. “Just think long term. We are dead set on you living here with us and being a part of this pack in whatever way you are willing. And if you want that too, then we’ll take it from there.”
It sounded really simple, but right now it felt like the world’s most complicated puzzle. And mostly what I kept thinking of was that fucking video. What if they saw it? What if they knew that uneasy question that was hovering in the back of my head? Had I made that happen by wanting attention from alphas? Had I enjoyed it?
“I’m fritzing,” I said to Leo, and his hopeful expression crashed.
“Lola, please.”
“I just need to retreat a little. I’m not…” I looked at all of them, at the beautiful dinner and the glittering silverware and each of their perfect—perfect for me, but not for her—faces. “I’m listening, okay? And I will try to…to deal with my hang-ups and come back ready to let us move forward.”
“Come back?” Matthieu asked.
I swallowed and turned to face him, hit by the raw grief of his expression. He’d offered me a bond, and I'd thrown right back at him… All the more reason to get my head on straight.
“Just a little bit of space, please,” I whispered. “If I’m here, it’s going to feel like pressure every time I’m with one of you. I need to just back up and sort through this for myself.”
Leo huffed, stumbling back and hitting the wall, his face vacant as he raised eyes to the ceiling. Rake looked gutted, falling back into his chair. Was I making a mistake, or was I the mistake? Everyt
hing was muddled for me right now, and the blatant smack in the face of the conversation was hitting me hard. Would I accept being a member of the pack? Not today, I wouldn’t.
“I’m sorry,” I said. You’re missing your chance. They’re better off without you. This was the side of myself I didn’t want them to know, to feel lurking in the bond like a predator. Would it hit them the way it hit me? No one answered me, and the air was stale in the room. “I’m trying to do the right thing. For myself and for all of you.”
“We know you are, love,” Caleb said, a soft grimace in his eyes.
They just didn’t think I was succeeding. Fuck.
“I’m—I’m just going upstairs,” I said, pushing past Matthieu and heading for the hall.
I said I needed space, and now I needed to figure out how I was going to find it. All because I’d wanted to swing by my place tomorrow and grab a pair of fucking sneakers.
I was mindlessly packing a duffel bag in the guest room, half-aware of my own actions, when there was a knock on the door. I stared down at the bag on the bed and winced.
Are you running? Leo's voice asked in my thoughts. Yes, I was.
“Come in,” I called, staring at my bag. Should I just unpack it all? Go downstairs and apologize and beg them not to give up on me?
And leave them stuck with her?
“Hey, sweetheart.”
I sighed as Wes entered the guest room, coming to immediately sit on the bed. He’d been avoiding me as much as he was able since he’d let me watch the video last night. He’d seen enough of it in the beginning, and I didn't blame him for keeping his distance. I pushed the duffel aside, and Wes reached out, gently guiding me to sit down on the bed next to him. Our bodies bumped together as we sank on the mattress, and I was surprised by how reassuring it felt.
“This is for you,” Wes said, holding out a brand new cell phone to me. “I…it does have a tracking service on it, but I can show you how to turn it off if you want.”
I shook my head. “No, that’s fine. I’m good with you knowing where to find me.”
“Tell me you’re not packing,” Wes said, eyeing the duffle behind us.
“Not for like…not to leave,” I said. I huffed and bent forward, propping my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands. “God, I don’t know what I’m doing. I just know that I don’t feel ready for you guys.”
“Sweetheart, I don’t feel ready for you either. You scare the shit out of me.”
I whipped my head up to gape at Wes, and he shrugged.
“What if I can’t protect you, and someone grabs you and I let you down after everything I promised? What if you realize that I’m not one of the men in this pack that you want a permanent bond with? I know you and I haven’t jumped into anything yet, not like you have with the others, but I’m there. I’ve been there since you kept fucking lookin’ at me the night of that stupid fashion party. Nobody ever bothers looking at me, and that’s okay—”
“It’s not. I love looking at you. You’re handsome and you’re so smart and you’re sexy and respectful,” I said quickly. Anybody who didn’t see Wes’ value was missing at least four of their senses on top of being emotionally blind.
He huffed and rolled his head on his shoulders, working out tension. “Shit, Lola, you are not making this easier. I’m just…I’m just trying to say that it’s okay to still feel like you’re in the middle of the journey, and to know that we’re your destination. You don’t have to be ready yet.”
“Rake wants—”
Wes turned, nudging my knees with his. I sat up, and his hands cupped my face. “Hey, I love Rake, I do. And don’t tell him I said this, but at the end of the day, Rake isn’t an alpha,” he said softly, head tipped over mine. “He might want you to have a bond with us, but the decision is between you and whoever you choose. Also, he’s impatient as fuck, don’t worry about it.”
I laughed for the first time in twenty-four hours and rolled my eyes. That was true. Baby kind of was too, wasn’t she? Maybe it was an omega trait.
Wes’ hand came to rest over mine, thick fingers turning my palm up, his touch ticklish over my sensitive skin. I could see him chewing on words in his head, trying to work up the courage to speak, and I was happy to wait.
“I don’t want to add to this pressure, and I’ve been trying this whole time to let you find your own way into this pack. But I don’t want you to walk out of this house, even just for a little bit, without knowing that I want you, Lola. More than I’ve ever wanted anyone in my life.” Wes had to duck for us to be on eye level, he was such a giant, but his eyes held mine as he continued. “I’ve never doubted Rake was my omega, but I know now that was because it leaves room for me to fall in love with you, for my world to revolve around you.”
My heart was in my throat. Wes and I had been idling in one place almost this whole time, but what had been growing between us was as powerful as it was between myself and any of the others. And maybe it was awful of me, but it felt good to hear Wes say that I was his center and not Rake, a pillow that temporarily smothered the ugliest and most insecure part of myself.
“The video—” I started, eyes blinking rapidly.
“The video doesn’t mean shit to me, aside from the fact that it hurt you. That it put this haunted look back in your eyes,” Wes said, reaching up and stroking his thumb over my cheekbone. “Those men were monsters.”
I took in a deep breath and lifted my eyes. “What if I wanted it? What if it was my fault?”
“Lola, sweetheart, no. You didn’t even remember it. That’s not consent,” Wes said. “Doesn’t matter if you want alphas to pay attention to you. Doesn’t matter if you like rough sex or being told what to do. The only person who can tell you whether or not that night was your choice is you.”
“It wasn’t,” I said, and the declaration came easily and with tears.
Wes nodded, expression open and honest as always. “If you need to go and catch your breath, that’s fine,” he said. “I just need you to know that I'm already waiting for you to come back, Lola.”
I pushed into Wes' chest, stretching and catching his strong jaw in my hands. I tilted my head and pulled his mouth to mine, lips slotting together, our breaths mingling as we took soft, exploratory kisses from one another. Wes growled as I leaned into him, growing needy and dragging my teeth over his lips, wanting more. His arms spanned my back, dragging me to his chest, my body strained in an arch against him. It was the first real sexual contact I’d had with anyone since I’d watch the video, and it was as if Wes was erasing all the phantom touches I’d been left with.
I moaned and leaned into him as he sucked on my tongue, trying to crawl further into his embrace when I was already plastered against him. Wes’ hands spanned my back, fingers pressing to my shoulder blades, and our hearts hammered in rhythm against each other’s chest. I pushed, and Wes followed my lead, falling back onto the bed and then rolling to cover me. His breath hitched, and his hold on me loosened as he started to lift away.
“No, stay,” I said, my legs slipping out from beneath him to help hold him to me.
Wes purred, and my eyes slid shut at the sound, silky and reassuring. His breath skimmed over my cheek, and then his lips pressed in a long series of kisses down one side of my jaw and then the other. His fingers tipped my face side to side as he continued the slow path down my throat, over my collar bone. I shivered beneath him, goosebumps rising, and Wes leaned to the side, fingers tracing the path of his kisses and continuing it down over my shirt, between my breasts.
“You said I’ve been holding back,” Wes murmured, his low voice scraping as he grew quiet. “I’ve been afraid of scaring you off.”
My eyes opened, and I reached up to hook a finger in the collar of his t-shirt and pull him close again. “You don’t scare me. You make me feel safe. And when we’re together like this, you just make me soaked,” I said.
Wes' purr rattled, and he dove down again, our mouths colliding and his hand pressing to m
y stomach, stroking up my ribs to grip one breast and then down between my thighs to cup my sex over my leggings.
“Is that true, sweetheart? Are you getting wet for me?” Wes growled, two fingers rubbing me sweetly through layers of fabric.
I whined and nodded. “You know I want you too, don’t you? I know I’m a mess right now—”
“You’re not a mess,” Wes said, nipping my bottom lip.
“But I’m not confused about how I feel about you, about the pack,” I finished, my eyes wide even as I squirmed my hips against his teasing fingers.
“I know, sweetheart. Tonight’s conversation didn’t go the way any of us wanted. Don’t worry about that right now, just let me touch you,” Wes rasped, ducking his head for a deep and thorough kiss.
He swallowed my sighs and moans, my body shuddering against him as his hand left my core to slip up beneath my sweater, tugging down the cup of my bra to pinch playfully at my nipple. I gasped against his lips, my own touch traveling under his shirt.
“Holy muscles, Batman,” I murmured, pulling away from the kiss.
Wes choked on his own laugh as I wrestled his shirt up his stomach, revealing a chiseled set of abs and pecs that I kind of wanted to squeeze the way Wes had been holding my own breasts. Except when I did, they were tight and firm.
“Cut it out,” Wes laughed, grinning above me, his smile brushing dark cobwebs out of my head.
“I can’t. Your chest is a siren call. God, Wes, who let you wear shirts? It’s a crime.”
Wes growled and caught my hand that had been petting the ridges of his eight-pack, pushing it above my head and pinning it there. “This okay?” he asked.
I smiled that he was careful enough to check in with me, and brave enough to try and dominate me, especially after our conversation. Wes might’ve been holding back for a while, but he’d been using that time to observe me.
“Yeah, I mean, I miss your abs but—mmph!”
Wes turned the kiss into a fierce claiming, one of my hands trapped and the other free to wrap around his shoulders, holding him to me as I let him take charge. Finally, my- this alpha was letting loose again, giving me more of what I’d only had a taste of in the gym that night. His teeth scratched over my bottom lip, biting and kissing down over my jaw to my throat, worrying the muscles of my shoulder in a soft bite. His free hand returned to my stomach with soft taps of his fingers over my ribs.
