by Keren Or
But sadly... I no longer am…
For months Eli wrote letters like this one, trying to express herself without offending him, without hurting him, yet never gave them to him. When she finally had the courage to confront him face-to-face, Tomás listened but did not get it... and the subject was closed.
Neither long conversations nor endless promises bore fruit.
Frustrated and helpless in the face of this situation, Eli began with demands and threats. She would ask him to behave like an adult and treat her like a man should treat a woman. Plan together a future, discuss serious issues... But nothing she did managed to reach him...
Tomás did not come to his senses... and Eli, in the end, always forgave him.
And the love between them... still sustained them.
It was not that it did not matter to Tomás. It was not that he did not love her as much as before...
He simply... was trying to hold on to a sweet past... which was no longer, almost as if clinging onto the past with his fingernails could prevent things from changing, searching hopefully with candles... for his little creation.
Truthfully speaking, Tomás felt threatened on seeing Eli taking flight on her own, and each time it came up, he rejected a possible breakup...
A prolonged struggle began its march, and yet life between the two seemed to be more secure... Though not for long...
Walking along the hallway of the Faculty, one day Eli noticed that someone... was watching her. He was a rather attractive man, never seen by her before, and something in that character unbalanced her...
As the days passed, the stranger introduced himself and a supposedly innocent friendship started. Whenever they saw each other between classes, they chatted for a while sharing a coffee, and then each returned to their own affairs, acting as if “nothing” was happening.
However, he always left her... with a trembling under her feet.
Leo, the muscular unbalancer, was tall, with black hair and blue eyes, deep and mysterious like the heart of the sea. He had a nice appearance, seemed to be friendly and pleasant, and had, without a doubt, a natural charm. A perfect dream... if it were not for a couple of tiny inconveniences: in the first place, he had been with his girlfriend for two years... and secondly, at the end of that month he would finish his degree and go abroad to do postgraduate studies.
It was not possible to start a relationship because of that, but his looks were tempting her...
“Hello, Eli, I’ve come to say goodbye...,” said Leo one afternoon, surprising her as she left her classroom.
“So you’re leaving... How quickly this month went by,” replied Eli with an inexplicable coldness.
“Is something wrong? What are you hiding in that pretty little head?”
“You really don’t know? Can’t you even imagine?” replied Eli, motivated by the feeling of an end approaching... fast.
“Is there, by any chance, something pending between the two of us?” asked Leo as they continued walking.
“Yes! Of course there’s something pending! Or are you going to deny the attraction you feel every time you look at me?” exclaimed Eli, not recognizing herself.
“Clearly I feel attracted to you, Eli... from the first moment I saw you,” said Leo, standing in front of her and preventing her from proceeding. “But you know that I have a partner and you do too... or is that not it?”
How many times have I heard that phrase..., thought Eli in a hopeless silence. But she replied, looking for understanding in his eyes.
“I know, Leo... But when I am near you I feel like I’m losing my way...,” and immediately she asked him in a breaking voice, “What did you do to me?”
“Wait for me. I’ll soon be back!” said Leo, abandoning her in mid-sentence and in the middle of the hallway.
Eli did not know what to think... Could she have scared him with her direct declarations and the poor fellow fled while he could? Where could he have gone?
Intrigued... she did not understand anything...
Three minutes later, Leo appeared with a bunch of keys:
“Follow me!” he ordered, dragging her down the hallway to a door.
Leo looked around him, making sure no one was observing them. At the third attempt, the door finally opened. Leaving the racket behind, they locked themselves in that empty classroom at the end of the long hallway.
The silence raised the tension, accelerating the breathing and the heartbeats. Eli was not speaking, nor could she control her thoughts and her senses...
“Eli, now that we’re alone... Do you want to clarify for me what was still pending between us both?” asked Leo, satisfied with having created that scene in record time.
“I don’t know what to say... You’ve left me speechless...,” stammered Eli.
“Isn’t this what you wanted?”
“I don’t know what I wanted, and I don’t know what I’m doing. I feel like a coward, and I’m afraid...”
“We don’t have much time. In a few more minutes, someone may want to come in through that door. Besides... it’s most likely that after coming out of here... we’ll never see each other again. So come... come closer... it’s our last opportunity.”
Eli approached slowly, leaving with each step... fragments of her conscience. Upon falling into his arms, she surrendered completely, obeying her lowest instincts without weighing the consequences.
The possibility of being discovered in the act sharpened her senses with an overdose of excitement. Eli was not thinking, she was only a slave... to such an intense moment and her tyrannical emotion.
Taking a strong hold of her body, Leo began to kiss her wildly, showing with pride his indubitable masculinity.
Eli shivered with fear of the unknown... and because of leaving her values of loyalty in oblivion.
Apart from her desire... everything was left aside.
A few minutes later, as was to be expected, he left and... Eli never saw him again.
Years would pass before she would try to regain contact with Leo, only to be disappointed to notice his strange voice. It would turn out... that Leo was testing poisonous fungi on one of his trips around the world, which caused him memory loss and a serious degree of disorientation...
Leo, disconnected from the planet... would no longer be the same.
Curled up on the seat of the bus, on the way home that day in the classroom, Eli looked out the window at the landscape that remained the same, while she... clearly was not. She tried to understand what had happened... How had she done it? Why? After experiencing for more than three years a unique, pure and divine love... in a fraction of a second she had destroyed her castle, allowing herself to be felt, thrilled on and touched by another man...
The memory of her unforeseen adventure made her want to vomit.
Despite all the problems, she still loved Tomás and he... did not deserve the betrayal.
The thought of having to look at him, touch him and pretend nothing had changed... tortured her.
It was just a kiss..., her mind kept repeating over and over again, trying to convince her.
When the night came, she talked at length with Tomás. Without the strength to support her, she confessed what had happened.
Tomás sat quietly sucking in the oxygen.
Eli, kneeling in front of him, begged his forgiveness, trying to justify herself in some way...
“It was just a kiss...,” she implored, crying.
But all her efforts turned out to be in vain. Tomás was too hurt, and any argument, no matter how logical and understandable, fell upon deaf ears.
“I need time to think about everything that’s happening...,” said Tomás, standing up.
“Don’t leave like this... I’ll die with pain...,” said Eli, holding on to his hand.
“Please, don’t make it harder for me... I
’ll call you tomorrow...”
Eli had no other choice but to give way, seeing how her life... was crashing to pieces.
Throughout the night, she was not able to close an eye. Loneliness enveloped her room, her soul and her heart. Moreover... thinking that Tomás would be worse off did not bring her peace. She kept remembering beautiful moments they had lived together: vacations shared in a cottage by the lake, in the snow, in front of the fireplace; walks alone and with friends; concerts and dance classes... The first kiss, the first caress and the first time... that they made love. Her tears flowed without borders, without barriers, searching in the void... for an escape from the pain.
Then she also went back over the anger and the fighting, the disagreements and the distance created... until she could go no further. The countless times she had appealed to Tomás to make him see how they had each changed, expressing her needs that he did not have the ability to comprehend.
Eli knew very well that the end was imminent, but knowing... did not make it easier. At that time of night and after so much crying, the answers looked distant, and distant... was the sun.
The next day, just like he had promised, Tomás called her and they agreed to meet to talk.
When he arrived at her home, he looked as tired as she; and although he felt defeated, he arrived calm and ready to listen to her.
As much as he wanted to and could condemn Eli alone, which he did anyway during the first half hour, eventually he also acknowledged his contribution to the inevitable situation he was experiencing.
Sitting on her bed, when there were no words left, they shared a powerful burst of tears.
Everything had come to an end... That is what they both understood. It was not worth holding on to the past or looking for a solution.
Eli kissed his face trying to soothe his wound, to find a shortcut to get her back into his heart.
For several minutes they remained embraced. Eli was crying, then Tomás was crying and then... they both were crying.
“It’s better if we don’t talk anymore, Eli. I won’t be able to bear hearing your voice...,” said Tomás before leaving.
“I don’t know if I’ll be able to do that... What do I do if I miss you too much?”
“I don’t know. I don’t have all the answers... But you must understand that it’s the only way to go forward... and time will tell...”
And not having the right to complain, to ask or demand anything more, Eli nodded in agreement...
Eli and Tomás said goodbye with a final embrace, vowing to keep their distance, without seeing each other, without speaking and without resentment.
They vowed, but there was something they did not realize: under the layers of a simple “goodbye”... two souls were whispering still... in a single voice:
I will always love you!
10
A casual encounter
It’s three in the morning and I can’t sleep. I’m carrying a huge burden in my body and soul, a burden that bears your name... “Tomás.”
In eight more days, it will be two months far from you and from your love, and I’m falling... under the weight of the pain.
They say somewhere that time heals and brings relief.
Unfortunately, it seems that time forgot to pass through my door.
Little by little I started to hate you. But you know what that means: that being honest I love you so much that I cannot bear your absence.
Tell me, my love, what do I do to go on without you?
◆
It’s twelve o’clock at night—a weekday. I should be in my fifth dream...
Instead, I take my notebook and try to compose a new song.
I allow my feelings to flow out of me, but sadly... it all comes down to three or four words: “I love you”... “Come back to me”...
These three months without your love have been endless, and I can’t stop thinking about you.
What might you be doing right now? Are you perhaps like me, lying in your bed, thinking about us? Or perhaps... lying in your bed with another woman...
Perhaps... who knows? Just thinking about it makes me nauseous...
I want to tell you that lately I’ve gone out and met other men—I swear to you that I try. But nobody is... as good as you, as sweet as you, as intelligent as you... you and you and you...
I hope, my love, that all this suffering and these tears shed are not in vain. That someday we may be able to reflect together or separately and appreciate this moment.
For now I’ll take a break. I’m going on vacation with a new friend from school, whom you don’t even know. I’ll escape for a few days from this depressing routine.
I’ll leave you for now, my love, but I’ll continue to miss your eyes, your smile, every part of you and, above all, your heart... that has given me EVERYTHING...
Yours forever,
Eli
For days and nights Eli filled the pages of her journal. Poems, songs and disconsolate love letters... never to be sent. It was a good way to vent and shout her remorse and pain to the four winds.
What a pity that not even the four winds... could really embrace her...
“My cousin is so lucky,” repeated Daphne on the way to the hotel. “What wouldn’t I give to be in her place... to work every day in that piece of heaven. And what’s more... married to the owner of paradise himself... How lucky! Don’t you think?”
Eli nodded, managing to hold her smile for barely a second. Then she turned her head towards the window so that she could silently cry her quota for the day.
Although they had a good connection from the beginning, that did not imply that it was all right to ruin her trip with her sorrows and tears, and much less with such an invitation... In addition, they did not know each other well enough for Eli to unload the way she would have done with Ema, Valeria, Jessy or Nicole. And so, she tried to remain calm, pretending to be in control.
On arriving at the hotel, the two new friends were stunned. Eli jumped with excitement, forgetting her sorrows and thanking Daphne for her generous offer. Daphne was also jumping excitedly, grateful to her cousin for inviting her along with her friend Eli. A luxury hotel, in a privileged location by the sea, appeared at their feet. It was an ideal destination for young tourists in search of fun as well as peace. A dream come true, and just what Eli needed... a space to recharge her energy and feel again that... she was part of this wonderful life.
Walking along the beach, Eli breathed in peace. Her eyes gazed at the crystalline water while her feet sank into the silky, white sand of the bay. In the distance... was a view of the green hills surrounding the island: miles and miles of natural park with native forests. In short... a perfect refuge in the heart of nature.
In the afternoon, after a sailboat ride, Eli and Daphne returned to their room, tired but happy. A couple of hours later it was already getting dark, and the two travelers still had plans to go out to explore and enjoy the nightlife offered by the town.
Reclining on the lounger, waiting for Daphne to finish applying her makeup, Eli admired the horizon. As she inhaled and exhaled the warm, salty wind coming from the sea, she thought in a moment of emotional clarity that the night view from their balcony... was as beautiful as the day.
And Eli, like the night, was beautiful too...
A few minutes after having entered a bar located a couple steps from the hotel, two handsome, very attractive young men approached the ladies to talk and invite them to have a drink. Eli, as usual, ordered a non-alcoholic drink, while Daphne took care of ordering her shot of liquor. Immediately there was chemistry between the four and an evident attraction between Eli and one of the young men, who answered to the name Martín. Daphne, therefore, had to settle for the friend, who had no other choice but to settle for her in return... Although they did not fancy each other, at least they liked each other. Come to th
ink of it... the friend had everything: he was blond, blue eyes, tall, slim and likeable... a good, gentle boy, influenced by others. On the other hand, Martín was another story—the complete opposite. Aged twenty-three, he was rather short, dark-haired and with dark eyes. His toned body, his look and the intonation of his voice predicted problems... and his pride and vain attitude completed the picture. In short... a bad boy. And precisely because of that... Eli found him extremely sexy. Danger and mystery used to tempt her. Any person who could erase Tomás from her mind would be welcome, and Martín... was the ideal person.
After dancing and talking amid the noise for a good while, Daphne started to feel sick. The hours in the sun and excessive drinks were enough to knock her out and put an end to the night. Eli said goodbye to the two young men, dragging Daphne and apologizing, and took her friend directly to the hotel. Actually, Eli did not mind having to leave. Like Daphne, she was exhausted by all the excitement of the first day, and besides... she preferred not to know how far she would go with Martín, at least... not that night... Plus, they had agreed to see each other the next day anyway.
They all met at the entrance of the hotel the next morning and, between the four of them, they rented a red all-terrain Jeep, in which they set off to tour the island and its surroundings. Martín was the driver, and Eli sat beside him, conscious of all the times his gaze was lost between her legs.
They went up and down mountains, discovering hidden places, waterfalls and rivers of icy water. Martín was the only brave, or perhaps crazy, one… who dared to go in and test the temperature. Eli, even if they had paid her to do it... would not have dared.
The group had lunch at a kiosk by the sea, and after a couple of rides on jet skis, Martín tried to teach Eli to surf. Competing against each other, they swam to the rocks and back without a break. As the day began to end, they lay in the sun... till they surrendered to exhaustion. During all that time... Martín constantly insinuated to her that he wanted to feel her, to be alone with her, far from the world and without anyone being able to disturb them, but Eli... barely knew him and did not know... how to loosen up. At most she would suddenly agree to a burning kiss; Martín’s hand caressing her skin under her skirt was too much...
