by Keren Or
The first three days were pleasant overall. Each morning, Eli and Mía would leave the hotel and walk one block to a restaurant with large windows, green curtains and wicker chairs. With their noses red and their faces frozen, they entered the restaurant, immediately feeling the heat produced by the huge stoves. After a few minutes, they began to peel off their layers. First to fly off were their hats, scarves and gloves. Then their coats, then their sweaters and then their turtlenecks too. Finally... they were left in their shirts, jeans, long fleece stockings and socks, which obviously... they could not take off, although they did not lack the urge.
“Do you feel better?” asked Mía after accompanying Eli in her sorrow the night before.
“Yes, a little better... It’s just that... exactly one year ago he declared his love to me... and today, a year later... everything is over... and I can’t see the sun,” replied Eli, having trouble chewing a thick, delicious pancake.
“I understand you, my friend, but you have to make an effort and move on. You have to find a new job that will make you happy, and then... a new love...”
Eli valued the good intentions of all those who were seeking to give her advice, or who were simply trying their luck in raising her spirit, but in reality... she only needed an ear to listen to her, an arm to hold her and nothing more. All the familiar phrases, like, You have to look at the glass as half full, There are many fish in the sea, Time will do its thing or One nail drives out another, only achieved the very opposite. In Eli’s case, reciting those phrases locked her more and more... into her black, pessimistic cloud. “If only these pieces of advice came with a user manual... everything would be easier,” she would say to herself silently and wonder, How do I find those rose-colored glasses?, How do I turn off that switch of sadness and turn on the switch of happiness? Where is that wretched nail? and In what book are the answers to be found?
Eli did not know where to start. In reality... her soul was exposed and she wanted to die, but only... to be reborn.
“What new love are you telling me about, Mía? I can’t think about that yet,” replied Eli, completely dismissing her friend’s suggestion.
“It’s okay. I’ll not pressure you on this subject, but promise me that at least you will look for a new job as soon as you return...,” said Mía, squeezing Eli’s hand and looking her in the eye. “You need to be occupied, to see people. Seclusion doesn’t do anybody any good...”
“I promise you,” said Eli with a half smile.
New Year’s Eve was a complete disaster. Eli felt physically ill, the start of a cold, and could not wait to get back to the hotel. On the other hand, Mía, who had secured tickets to one of the best night clubs, continued dancing and had steam for many more hours.
With ten seconds to go before the arrival of the new year, the countdown began: Nine... eight... seven... six... five... four... three... two... one...
Blinded by the confetti falling into her eyes and deafened by the fanfare and whistles resounding in her ears, Eli was looking for a supply of air. The scene in front of her, of couples and more couples kissing, celebrating their happiness... ended up stifling her, and pain... overcame her, becoming simply... unbearable.
She ran out to take the first taxi to appear and in less than ten minutes, thanks to the empty streets, she reached the hotel and found refuge in her room. Standing under the stream of near-boiling water, Eli collapsed. Crying, screaming and bleeding inside, she asked God what had she done wrong in this life or in another to deserve such a punishment? Why was this happening to her? Why had Sebastián been so cruel? Why hadn’t he come back? She would have forgiven him. But why? Why?!
After the shower, she lay on the bed wrapped in a thick white dressing gown provided by the hotel, and without even the strength to put on her pajamas, fell asleep, curled up, without drinking or eating. A “very happy” New Year...
When Eli woke, Mía was getting dressed and organizing to catch an unexpected flight. They had brought forward her shift to replace an intoxicated co-worker, and she had no choice but to accept. Eli could not believe it. How many times in her life had she heard that misfortunes never come alone? But this was the last straw!
Trying to look at the glass as half full, as everyone told her, Eli thanked for having at least the possibility of staying in the same room for the remaining days, at a decent price. Ending up on the street would have been disastrous...
To her surprise, alone and in a strange place, Eli found tranquility. She kept going to the restaurant at the corner, having her favorite dish for breakfast while watching people as they passed by her window, getting ahead with the reading of a self-help book that taught you how to be able to survive the loss of a love by finding yourself again. When the rain died down, she would stroll from store to store, returning exhausted but satisfied to her empty hotel room. She would eat a slice of pizza and chocolates bought at the corner kiosk and would fall asleep with the TV on, so she would feel more accompanied and less depressed. After all, loneliness... was not such a terrible place.
However, Eli still preferred... friendly company.
Returning from that trip, an envelope addressed to her was waiting on her desk... Eli recognized the handwriting immediately, although she could not imagine what the contents would be. She thought of apologies, pain, illusions, love, but never would she have imagined... the letter she actually received…
Re: Your portion of the bill settlement
Electricity: 100
Water: 57
Cable television: 38
Common expenses: 60
I am requesting that, as soon as possible, you transfer these amounts to the owner of the apartment taking into account the deadline for payment.
Attached herewith the relevant bills
Neither a hello nor a goodbye; nothing…
Just... a direct punch to the stomach.
All the calm attained and achieved in the few days outside the country evaporated in one brutal second. So formal, so cold, so ruthless..., thought Eli, trying to find a place to fall down and cry. And after telling herself firmly, “How dare he treat me like this, after everything I’ve done for him? After begging me to save him and to be his wife... Damn him!” she locked herself in her room, picked up the phone and dialed...
“Hello...,” said Eli in a low voice and a bit frightened.
“Eli?”
“He left me...,” Eli released her pent up anguish, on hearing Tomás’s sweet, healing voice at the other end of the line.
“But how? Weren’t you going to get married?”
Tomás, who had been invited to the wedding, had apologized to Eli, arguing that he could not bear to see her marrying someone else, and Eli... had understood. They continued calling each other on special dates like birthdays and New Year’s, but also when something really hard and serious was happening, like that day when Tomás called her to tell her about the sudden death of one of his best friends. Tomás had been devastated, and Eli was there to console him, first over the telephone and then... by accompanying him to the painful funeral.
On this occasion, it was Eli who needed consoling.
“I can’t get up... He destroyed my world, my dreams, my faith... just two weeks before the wedding...,” Eli told him, crying.
“I know that at this moment what I’m going to say will not comfort you... but you have to be thankful that at least he did it before the wedding and not after... I have no doubt that you are going to recover and without you realizing it... the right man will come along. Clearly... it was not Sebastián.”
“I know... but it hurts...”
“You know what? I’m inviting you to lunch. Come, I’ll make you something delicious...,”said Tomás affectionately.
Eli took the keys of her new car and left without hesitating. Her new acquisition made her feel a little stronger and more sure of herself. It was her fir
st car, bought with her own savings a week before the trip in order to feel independent and in control of her life. Since she had no partner or job... a car was a way to have something important of her own... right? Her little white toy... made her feel proud.
Tomás was waiting for her on the street. Eli hurried to park and, before she could work out her feelings, she was already in his arms again. It was a pure and holy feeling... at least... from the waist up...
They were together all day. Since it was Saturday, neither of them was in a hurry, and they made use of every minute to talk... embrace... and kiss...
Eli, having thought that morning about the slim chance of restarting a relationship with Tomás, knew for her part... that the love they were feeling would probably last over time and for all eternity, but would not sustain a husband and wife relationship. That would not work. Tomás was the same as always, and Eli knew she would never be able to make him change, and in fact... neither did she want him to change. Tomás was perfect the way he was. Just not perfect for her.
To count on him, to know that in this life—come what may—a beautiful and special someone had truly loved her, and that, like her, probably... would always love her, was a blessing to be thankful for. Because of that, or perhaps because of something else, they slept together, and of course made love, remembering old times...
But the next morning, life continued... One last kiss, one last embrace, for who knows how long... and each returned to their solitary life.
Feeling unable to bear the burden of her pain alone and remembering how good and positive Sara had been in her life, Eli did not hesitate to try again, and started going to a psychologist she had recommended to her.
Cris, the one recommended, made a good impression on her. From the pictures hanging in the hallway leading to his office, Eli could see he was a family man. Not very young, but not old either... pleasant, friendly and quite good-looking... considering his age.
At first, Eli felt uncomfortable talking about her personal life, and especially her relationships and sexual experiences, with him being a man. However, as the minutes passed, seeing that Cris was not even blinking, Eli gradually relaxed and revealed her most intimate stories.
If it had not been for him, she would never have come out of the state of depression in which she found herself. Particularly after the horrible incident she had to go through at the wedding of her former co-worker Rosie...
Her first reaction on receiving the invitation was positive. Eli loved weddings, and although she would be suffering on the inside seeing that another woman was standing in the place she thought she deserved, she still remained hopeful that perhaps... at one of them... maybe... she would be lucky enough to meet someone…
As she was not in the mood to drive to the desert location where the party was taking place, Eli linked up with a friend of the groom whom she did not know. He came to pick her up at her door and was considerate, kind and not her taste at all, but for what he was “hired” to do, he was useful. Moreover, within a few minutes they were joined by another piggy-backer—Rosie’s high school friend—who, like her, also preferred to forego the pleasure of driving into the twilight zone.
The trip, one could say... was quiet.
Not knowing anyone, the two spinsters eventually spent the entire night with each other, becoming practically friends. On the other hand, the fellow... who had initially seemed nice, suddenly caused Eli to not have a good feeling about him. His penetrating eyes followed her everywhere and every moment, and from time to time... his hands too. He held her from behind, making her uncomfortable, insisting and pressuring her to dance with him. But Eli flatly refused. His unpredictable actions, his scent that intimidated her and the fear of him touching her were enough to be considered possibly alarming.
The problem further worsened on the way back home...
It is obvious that with this background Eli considered not going back with that unpleasant individual. However... hearing that her traveling companion would be getting off long after she did, she thought foolishly that it would not be so terrible. Of course, she was quickly the first to sit in the back seat, something... that the potential aggressor did not like at all. Eli could feel his gaze and his silence coming through the mirror; and her fear... was slowly increasing. Regretting that she had ignored her instincts, she clung to the door, making sure it was unlocked all the time. Especially after being left alone with him because of the unforeseen change of plans of the other unreliable passenger...
It all happened so fast that it did not occur to Eli to get out of the car with her “no longer such a friend”, and she was left defenseless in the hands of the psychopath. In her mind she was already seeing horror movies and how she was jumping in fast motion, falling and rolling in the middle of the highway. Unfortunately, she also did not have her cell phone in case of an emergency, as she had accidentally forgotten it in another purse.
Eli was terrified. Her ongoing memory of the unbalanced driver not wanting to leave until she came to sit next to him was interrupted by his attempt to persuade her to continue the night with him, making a turn where he should not!!
Eli raised her voice, firmly demanding that he stop the car. And laughing at the situation, the predator assured her that it had only been a joke... But in the face of Eli’s serious threats, he finally... stopped.
The joke... did not seem funny to Eli, and slamming the door, she got out and disappeared into a bar that... thankfully... was still open.
In fifteen minutes, her father arrived to “save her”, as always. But he could not get a word out of her mouth... She was still shaken by the terrible experience and her father left her alone...
Having arrived at that point in her life, Eli really was no longer looking for salvation. She simply wanted to fall asleep, and not wake up ever again.
Analyzing it carefully, it was not that she wanted to die, but rather to stop suffering or for the pain to not be so intense and merciless.
The day after the pointless wedding, Eli could not get out of bed.
She was crying nonstop and had a hard time ingesting food. She was not talking, she was not telling anything and her parents still did not know in what way they could help her.
Sitting in front of Cris, Eli agreed to disclose everything that had happened, having given in and confident that her psychologist, unlike her parents, would be able to handle the situation and say the right thing, or at least... allow her to be weak.
Trembling, Eli told him that she felt afraid that this disgusting guy, eventually, would have ended up raping her, how she felt pursued by him all night and even how she planned to escape by throwing herself from the car... in the middle of the highway.
Cris listened intently, giving her space to be able to vent all the pent up suffering. He then explained to her that she had in fact been harassed, even if the alleged harasser... had not touched a hair on her head... He also congratulated her for her brave and assertive behavior, giving her the right... to feel vulnerable in that situation.
Finally, they considered the ways in which Eli could come out of her self-burial to be able to fulfil her abandoned plans and dreams, which were still alive... in some deep place.
As she left the office, one could already see her relief, and, as a result... that of her parents as well.
Eli was ready and willing to take the first step they had agreed upon without putting pressure on herself. The step... of going out to look for work.
Looking at the glass as half full, definitely, the three months in a state of being unemployed had not been entirely bad. There also... had been a good side.
Around that time, Eli used to get together with Nicole—her childhood friend—to swim and have coffee, go out shopping... and chat.
As they lay sunbathing in front of the pool, each with her book, Nicole realized she had forgotten to tell Eli about her sister’s incredible visit to
a psychic who seemed to be extraordinary.
Eli’s eyes lit up. She loved that sort of thing, and although she had had bad experiences in the past with a few charlatans, something told her that this time... would be different.
Anxious for someone to make her future clear and hopefully be able provide her with new hope or the slightest reason to live, Eli... without thinking twice, scheduled an appointment for the following week.
At three o’clock sharp, Eli and Nicole set out for the extraordinary psychic.
“Come in,” said a simple, pleasant woman, “I’m Lena.”
Eli could see the goodness in her clear eyes and in her sweet, quiet tone of voice.
She was a woman in her fifties, though the gray in her long hair probably made her appear older than she really was.
“Sit down, please... the coffee is almost ready...,” she said.
Eli and Nicole obeyed, silently observing their surroundings. Some old furniture in an old house, full of antiques, proudly represented a long, interesting life story. The walls were covered with pictures, gifts of appreciation from her faithful clients, among which some names were even repeated.
“Who’s Cris?” Lena asked as she served the coffee.
Eli and Nicole looked at each other, but neither of them dared to open her mouth.
“He’s a good man...,” continued Lena, looking at Eli this time. “You know each other from another life... and in this life he came to help you...”
Yeah...!
“Which of the two will go first?” asked Lena, not being offended at not receiving a response. In fact, she was already accustomed to faces speechless with astonishment.
“Me...,” said Eli, standing and almost finishing her thick black coffee.
“You shouldn’t finish it,” explained Lena, saving her in time from the intense bitter taste.
The room was dark, smelled of incense and there were few lighted candles. There was a round table in the middle. Lena invited Eli to sit down without crossing her hands to let the energy flow. And when they were ready, she took Eli’s cup and turned it over on a plate so as to later examine the stains formed inside. Then, carefully she began to speak...
